I really need some advice please

[lozzi]

Me and my bloke have been officially together for just over 3 months but seeing each other for about 4 1/2 months.

I recently found out that im pregnant. It wasnt planned as im a religious pill taker. But obviously these things happen.

i told my bloke and his first reaction was... "abort it"

im anti abortion so this was never a possibilty. Im not anti adoption though and im seriously considering having the child adopted as im too young (18 ) and i doubt i could give the baby everything it needs. But the only person who i would trust to adopt my baby is my mother, which she is more than happy to do. But my partner isnt happy about this.

The reason i wouldnt want anyone else to adopt the baby is due to the fact i was sexually abused as a child, and i wouldnt want this child to come and find me when it turns 18 and tell me there adoptive parent/s had abused them.i would never be able to forgive myself. but according to my partner im just "getting my own personal issues involved" which i thougth was low.

He has said that this child "means nothing to him" and he "doesnt want anything to do with it". If i keep the child at the end of the pregnancy or give the child to my mum then he said that were over.

But he also said that he loves me more than anything and is going to be there for all my scans and appointments. So i said if u dont want anything to do wtih the child then why are you going to be there at the scans. And he said you never know it might be a turning point.

Am i to hang onto this relationship in the hope that he changes his mind?
Do you think he will change his mind? from experience?
Is there anyone else in a similar situation?

im just finding it so hard, as im all emotional from my hormones, im so confused as to what to do.

 

[Urchin]

Hiya hun, what a rough time for you!

A few years abo I was living on an island in thailand with a guy I'd only known about 6 months, I'd met this guy in Israel and we were working as scuba instructors in Thailand. Then I found out I was pregnant (!) and we straight away decided to get a termination. We got on a boat to the mainland and spent an agonising few hours waiting for the clinic to open. At the last minute I couldn't do it. We sat outside the clinic intears on the floor and decided to get married and do our best for the child. My husband is South African, and had never even been to England before, but we came home and sorted everything out. Mason is now 4 and it was the best thing I ever did with my life.

Personally I cannot believe your bloke has outright told you this child "means nothing to him" I know it's hard for a man, especially if it's unplanned but I think that's quite a harsh thing to say.

If he loves you he should seriously consider making a go of it in my opinion. If you do decide the child should be adopted, why would he be unhappy with your mom adopting it? If your mom is willing I can't see why this wouldn't be a good option.
Could your mom not just help you with the baby? Have you definitley decided you don't want to keep it? Being young does not make you a bad mom, some of the best moms are the same age as you. If your mom could help you along the way it sounds like that might be the best option overall.

 

[lozzi]

im still undecided, if i knew i had my partners support then i would definatly keep the baby, but im swaying to keeping it regardless of what he says at the moment, coz if he can be that heartless towards HIS child and me then he cant erally love me cna he....

 

[Strangeness]

I was 18 when I got pregnant with my son (he's now 8 months and I am 20). It was under different circumstances to you though (he was planned) but it was still really scary! I didn't really expect it to happen to be honest as my sister has fertility problems but I got pregnant straight away and was so shocked! Being 18 doesn't mean you won't cope hun. If you'd like to actually have the baby and keep it then go for it! If your partner is being like that about his own child then I would ditch him to be honest. If he loved you he would love the fact you're carrying his baby. It's not the end of your life and if your mum is willing to adopt the baby then I am sure she would be more than willing to help you out! I adore my son so much that I hate being away from him but I still get time for me and my partner to be together as a couple as well as parents. It really is the most amazing feeling in the world! One thing you have to think about hun is if you see the baby and decide before to have it adopted will you be able to just let it go and cope with it?

I really hope things work out for you hun and that your partner will sort his act out and realise the upset he is causing you! He could go to the scan and fall in love with the baby and I hope he does because it sounds to me like you really care for him! Just remember you won't be on your own whatever you decide! Good luck hun!

 

[violet-glow]

Im hear if you want to chat hun xx

 

[lozzi]

thankyou for all your support.

im just waiting now to see what happens at the first scan. if he is still as cold as what he is when he sees the little life which HE contrabuted in making then he's not wroth it and i will make the best for my baby.

thanks again

 

[Em78]

But he also said that he loves me more than anything and is going to be there for all my scans and appointments. So i said if u dont want anything to do wtih the child then why are you going to be there at the scans. And he said you never know it might be a turning point.

it almost sounds like he actually wants to change his mind, like he wants to be able to see the baby at the scan and feel something but is scared that he wont feel anything?

men can say and do some mean things when they are scared, maybe thats whats behind it?

i think you are right to wait till the scan before you make any decisions. it will seem more real to both of you and you'll be able to take a long hard look at how you both feel about the little person on that screen.

take care hun & good luck

x

 

[Urchin]

I just remembered something.
You are not allowed to adopt a child you are related to. I know some people who are trying to adopt their sisters baby but the adoption people won't let them, they are just called guardians. The adoption people they believe if you adopt from your own family you won't tell the child they are adopted and they might find out another way that their mom is really their auntie or something and it confuses them.

 

[michelle82]

i cant believe his attitude to say he doesnt feel anything is a bit harsh! anyway hun do whats right for you, do you really want to be with someone who acts like that? or maybe he is just scared?

If you decide to bring up the baby and he does a runner then maybe its best that he isnt part of the babies life. i wouldnt have him around if he still said he felt nothing after it arrives, all that matters right now is how you feel about it. My nans next door neighbours have raised their daughters first son and he knows all about it. I think she just couldnt cope and he is excepting of that so its not like it couldnt be the same for you if your sure thats what you want could you take a backseat whilst your mum brings it up?

 

[cassi]

Hi huni, sounds like you are in a mix at the moment, im 18 and pg with my first, wasnt officially planned but wasnt avoided if you see what i mean?

what your OH said was harsh, but it is a very scary thing, and can make people think and say things they dont mean, my first month of pregnancy i got so scared that im too young and wont be good enough for my baby and i would sit and cry my eyes out, sometimes thinking im not sure if i want this now..but i gave myself time and now i am really happy and cant wait to be a mom!! and your OH saying he wants to go to the scans means he has thought about it and is probly starting to get on with/like the idea a little, i think he just needs time and so do you.

I dont think letting your mom adopt/have the baby would be a good idea, your baby would be around you too much and it would hurt you too much in the end and you or your oh will end up most likely wanting your child back or having arguments over it which will only end up affecting the child and hurting others, i could be completely wrong but this is just my open opinion hun.

I hope everything goes well for you and you give it time and dont get your moms hopes upabout adopting the baby untill you have had your time to think and be completely sure about what you want.

best wishes and i hope everything goes better for you in the future, if you ever need to talk i have MSN the add is on my profile.

cas x