I hate him!!!!!

[Simoneh00]

I'm quite shocked that you've missed the point that she's given this guy many opportunities to even accept that she's pregnant!
Can you not see that some men just get women pregnant then couldn't give a toss???? Not all men deserve sympathy!!!
I spent the first 3 months after my child was born dealing with a struggling new dad. It's not pleasant and in the end if their hearts not in it then it's not in it. Believe me.
I don't believe for a second that laura (having spoken to her) would have jumped right in with the CSA etc. All she wanted was for her babys dad to stop telling her to have an abortion. But she can't force him to be interested, and if he isn't interested in maintaining his physical and emotional responsibilities that he brought upon himself when he had sex with her, then hell yeah I believe he should pay for his daughter!

Men find it far too easy to just walk away these, and giving them excuses just makes it worse.

 

[Paratus]

It shouldn't be one shot then CSA at all but I can see how sometimes it is the only form of security a girl can get - it's not what anyone wants to happen but its not fair on the child if the dad decides he doesn't want to be there. it shouldn't be used as a weapon but probably a safeguard for the childs sake.

You're missing my point. You're assuming that any soon-to-be father will be able to rationally make that decision, and just objectively decide "nope, don't want anything to do with her."

I'm trying to show that's almost certainly not the case. Anyone who has such an extreme, panicked, immature reaction needs some help, needs some support, professional or otherwise.

No-one's going to argue that a father who genuinely doesn't want anything to do with a child shouldn't pay his fair share, but there's an awful lot of vitriolic "get his money!" posts whenever anyone says they're struggling with their partners.

Why am I the only person who's suggested that just maybe, this guy can't cope with this, and rather than resorting to threatening & rubbing her hands with glee at the CSA, the OP should try and help him?

But if someone's hurt you so badly would you not want to get some sort of point across by hurting them the only way they can be hurt? Maybe its a girl thing but I don't think the girls were saying it out of spite, just out of support.

But that sounds, by definition, spiteful. Even if it's offered in support, it's a terrible state of affairs that so many people here will instantly start offering advice on claiming money from a worried expectant father when it looks like the relationship's struggling, rather than talking about counselling or support, or anything.

Someone might have hurt you, but again there's the assumption that while she's struggling with the shock of pregnancy, he's fine, and is just nasty. Not the case; he's struggling with the shock as much as she is, and if it's made him act out of character then it's even more obvious that this is what's happening.

 

[Paratus]

I'm quite shocked that you've missed the point that she's given this guy many opportunities to even accept that she's pregnant!
Can you not see that some men just get women pregnant then couldn't give a toss???? Not all men deserve sympathy!!!

.... and not any of them seem to get a shot at it here, it's just assumed that anyone who struggles to cope with the shock of being told they're going to be a father is a pathetic deadbeat who just wants to force their partner into an abortion.

If he's finding it hard to accept that she's pregnant, why on Earth shouldn't he deserve some help with it? Why can't anyone believe that maybe the shock of it all has really affected him, and he's coping badly? Why did everyone start going on about reporting him to his commanding officer, and men needing a kick up the arse? That's all pretty vicious, and while some people will genuinely try to evade their responsibilities, you can't assume everyone is.

I spent the first 3 months after my child was born dealing with a struggling new dad. It's not pleasant and in the end if their hearts not in it then it's not in it. Believe me.

... and that doesn't mean for a single second that everyone will be in that boat. Some people will take 3 months to get used to it. Some people might take a year. Some people might take a while to offer the support they should. Some people might just have no interest in actually being a parent and won't be involved.

But do you not see that so many people jump straight in assuming it's the last option there, and that they're being unpleasant because that's just their character.

All she wanted was for her babys dad to stop telling her to have an abortion. But she can't force him to be interested, and if he isn't interested in maintaining his physical and emotional responsibilities that he brought upon himself when he had sex with her, then hell yeah I believe he should pay for his daughter!

And that's awful! I hate this attitude that it's all the man's "fault," and he's the one who should "live up to his responsibilities." Men should just automatically be able to cope, adjust to it, and immediately provide 110% support despite never having planned for it, never having considered what an awesome effect this'll have on their lives, and not having a clue what to do and having no support or help available?

She has responsibilities as well; if she had sex with him, she should have been sure that their relationship was strong enough to survive things like this for the good of any potential child.

Men find it far too easy to just walk away these, and giving them excuses just makes it worse.

Maybe the fact that there's no support available for men who are shocked by this news has a part to play in that? It's not giving excuses, it's providing an explanation.

If someone loves someone enough to take the risk that they might have a baby then they should want to try and save the relationship for the good of the baby, not just say "I told him I was pregnant, he can't cope with it, so sod him I'm off to the CSA, it'll be great, I don't need him!!!"

 

[yummymum]

what a dick ...i am sorry he is putting you through this ..he took the risk as much as you did and he needs to step up to the mark

ive not read this whole thread but I dont understand why Paratus is so in need to get her point across maybe she knows your ex ? just a thought as you seem to want to get his side across , although I understand what you are sayying she came on here for support not for support for the ex

 

[laura dec 1988]

Ok iv not had chance to come on here much, been busy with work ect so this response is probs gunna be looooong lol.

Now....paratus, your a male and your veiw as a male point of veiw i would normally accept with open ears, but your veiw is completley out of order. I hope i dont sound too abrupt but this is my daughters life im discussin here, and yes i choose to come on this forum on a daily basis and discuss is with the girls on here. As from been 4 weeks preganant i have been on my own, im a single mum at 21 before i have even started, and these girls on here have helped me supported me and made me feel a whole load better, after been left in the shit by someone i thought i was gunna spend my life with, who loved me and who wud stick by me.

So as much as i dont feel i need to justify myself i want to get my point across. This is a gut who i was with for 6 months, who has walked away and left me, with an unborn child, no house, no money and debts in joint names. I am 6 months pregnant 2moz, he has had all this time to grow up and get over the "confusion" as you put it. This is no man, and this is not someone that deserves for me to be running around after him and beggin him to be a father. The day i told him i was pregnant he called me every name under the sun includin "slag, slapper, whore" the list goes on. After 2 years of sticking by him threw thick and thin he basically dropped me right in the shit and left me alone.

How can u justify a man doing all this?? you think i havent tried to give him chances for the last 6 months to be a father?? and begged him not to let our little girl down?? All of these failing may i mention. He hasn;t bought his daughter a vest or a bib, never mind help me with her nursery or clothes or the buggy or anything else. If i want to take him to the csa i will, he created this child with me why should he not pay for her?? Thats just a anouther man with anouther baby out there who he dont see or pay for?? Now as it happens i have a good job and savings in which i can afford to live comfortably with my daughter, but why should he not pay for what he had fun created??

Do you not think i was scared and shocked and confused?? Its me shes growing inside!! i dont have months to get my head round it, Im a parent now, regarless of wether she is here or not, i still have to prepare for her to have a good life and make sure shes fed watered and has a roof over her head and has the love she needs and support, this is not my ex's concern whilst hes going out gettin pissed out of his face pullin random girls left right and centre? do you think this is right??

What is it you suggest i do?? When my daughter is however old, and he decides he wants to be a dad, i say "oh yeah its fine come and see her be a daddy to her" he wont know her she wont know him and he should have been there from the beginning. Im her mother i make the choices, im a very understandin and forgiving person but what hes done is the worse of the worse, he had no right to treat me like he did and due to this he also let his girl down before shes even born.....

Sorry to all the girls if i seem a bit annoyed....I am!!!! I came on here for support for me as a new mum startin on my own (which is what i always recieve) not to have my efforts and decisions critisised by someone who really actually went too far with there opinion, which is neither valid or correct!!!!

Sorry again ladies, im shakin lol

xxxx

 

[laura dec 1988]

Sorry iv put on the message i was with him 6 months lol it was 2 years, sorry for confusion
xx

 

[yummymum]

Laura u shoudnt need to justify yourself xxx

 

[Paratus]

Of course she doesn't have to justify herself.

I think you have misconstrued my posts.

I am not saying what he did was right, or saying that his behaviour was ok. In all of my posts I have pointed out that he is wrong, and the behaviour he has shown is unacceptable. I am also in agreement that he has to wake up to his own responsibilities. I'm not sure why people glossed over that part.

What I am trying to point out is why he may have acted the way that he is, and what he may be feeling and thinking, and what caused him to act in this manner. There is a distinct lack of men on this forum, and from a man who has been there and been the unsupportive other half who should have been there and wasn't, I can tell you how he is probably feeling - however misplaced and wrong his feelings are.

As I said this is a wonderfully supportive forum, and sometimes all you need is a ear and a shoulder but surely it is also helpful to hear why this behaviour is occurring in the first place as well as the supportive, emotional chat from the other girls on here.

 

[ToffeePop]

It's always interesting to see the subject from a man's point of view, though I would like to clarify one point you made about people saying "CSA" as if it's just the finance aspect that people are most concerned about ref. fathers.

Whilst understanding that this particular bloke's actions are, quite frankly, deplorable he IS young, has a very specific lifestyle where he will have seen a lot of his colleagues who he might well consider "trapped" by being in a similar situation, (trust me, I've seen plenty of these occur and it is frightening to see how much manipulation by both sexes goes on). He also has a life/career ahead of him and will be thinking, of course, how this will affect him. Understandable and obviously a point of "oh dear ...., how will this impact my life/career/play-time?" Of course it does.

BUT It's not ALL about him. That's the whole point. Why is it always considered that the female should be the one to bring up the subject of "what if?" in a relationship? Contraception can fail, morning after pills can also fail...what then? Is it just the woman who should be freaking out? Of course not. But acting the way he has shown , I'm afraid, justifies such "passionate" motivation in providing the OP , Laura, with support on her side.

That said, he's been quite clear, I think, on how he feels at the moment and on a practical level, "shouting" CSA etc. is quite appropriate.

Or do you feel that the tax payer should be responsible-via benefits - for the fall-out?

I have incredibly strong feelings on the way our social benefits system is currently run and believe in cases like this the father has to be one of the main sources of providing for his child.

 

[Mamafy]

Laura I'm sorry you feel upset

I think we should welcome posts from males as well as females as it gives an entirely different perspective. Paratus hasn't said he condones any of the bad behaviour but just giving a perspective from a male who has gone through the same thing, and all the emotions that have went with it.

 

[laura dec 1988]

Yeah and thats fine mamafy, but i just dont think his advice was constructive like you and the girls normally give, and he made me feel like i was making the wrong choices and that i was wrong to keep the baby as my ex didnt agree with it!!! But thanks for posting hun. Like i sed on the post a would love a males point of veiw, but i just didnt find his adivce helpful in anyway and he made me feel small.
I just had to post to get my point acros as he was makinf out id not given my ex a chance to be dad when i have done nothing but that for the past 6 months and im just at the end of my teather.

But thanks for your adivce hun xx


Paratus,
Im sorry if i cam across as abrupt on nasty (thats not the kind of person i am) but like i just explained i didnt feel your posts were helpful anf they annoyed me and made me feel i wasnt giving my little girl a fair chance in life. Its tricky situation. Its not all about the csa its the principle of his actions and how he has behaved, for the first few months i have understood he was confused and cudnt get his head round it. But after this when askin for his help his response was always "you chose to keep it you deal with it"
which im doing.....with out him!!

so although i dint find your posts helpful or neccessary...thanks you for trying

 

[titch]

I can understand why you're upset Laura, this has become a very emotionally charged thread!

Im not going to offer my opinion here cos I dont think this is the place to continue this discussion, and this thread was started by a girl who is alone and pregnant and needs sympathy, support and advice.

Paratus, that my comments on here were, I know, very harsh, but I felt very angry on Laura's behalf. I can assure you at my end, noone was rubbing their hands together with glee.

 

[laura dec 1988]

Thanks everyone for your support and maybe paratus didnt mean it to come across as it did on every post, iv voiced my opinion on how i feel. I just wanted some help and adivce on the situation which is why i joined the forum in the first place. Im sorry the post has caused a bit of tension

xxx

 

[Simoneh00]

I agree Laura, you are sooo right. Us women only have 9 months to deal with the shock and confusion of becoming parents, why should a man get more time because they are too emotionally immature to deal with it.

I think you're a really strong woman to be going through this on your own and your daughter will be proud of you and love you endlessly. He'll miss out on that and frankly he deserves it

 

[laura dec 1988]

Thanks Simone

xxx

 

[Tasha89]

Hey Laura,
I've been keeping an eye on here to see how you're getting on. I hope everything works out for you and the little one, I really do.
Keep your chin up and keep smiling ok
Xx

 

[racheldee]

i wanna give laura a big hug
i know just how she feels as you all know the father of my baby hasnt seen me since we made baby
i hope all goes well for you sweets xxx

 

[MrsR]

Hey hun, basically what everyone else has said is wonderful advice! I'd just like to add that I have a 5 year old daughter who I brought up from the moment I fell pregnant until 2 years ago when I met my OH completely on my own. My daughter and I have a really close bond and my OH is a wonderful dad to her. Long story short you don't need a sperm donor (as I think of my daughters biological dad) to have a woonderful, loving relationship with your daughter. You have to draw a line though. He's made it clear what he thinks and you have to stay strong. It's not worth having him in and out of her life, messing up her head, and yours. You need to make the choice to stop him from contacting you and your daughter (think lawyers) or to give him the opportunity to be a part of your daughters life (not yours) again making it legal through lawyers. And def def def CSA!! You're strong enough to get through this! Hugs x

 

[Karina]

that's so horrible :O i'm actually shocked!! i'd take the other lady's advice and defo get in contact with the CSA. don't send him pictures though... i wouldn't, i'd leave the fact that he's paying his was as, well in his eyes, a sort of punishment. men aren't everything and there's teenage girls out there that have children completely on their own and make it work. i'm just so disgusted for you, he WILL regret it in the future im sure, be strong though for your little girl and i'm sure once she's in your arms you wont worry about your OLD NEWS fella, you deserve so much better. good luck to you and bub xx

 

[Pudds86]

What a big deusch! Forget him...but dont forget that message! One day your baby girl will grow up and understand her Dad chose not to be around. She will have all the love she needs. If you dont need the money side of him, i would not go to CSA and keep her all to yourself!