Am I better off without him? Hell of a rant sorry......

[Loola]

I love my partner dearly but I really feel like Im being walked over. Things are always up and down with us, but they are very down at the moment.

In some ways he is trying really hard, we have been TTC for 10 months now. As far as I know I dont have a problem, my cycles are regular and Im pretty healthy. He however is very overweight, loves a drink and has been on anti-depressants for a long time for panic attacks. Since the beginning of this year he has gone on a healthy eating diet with me, and has already lost almost a stone. He has cut his drinking down from every night to just Friday and Saturday nights and has started weaning himself off the anti-depressants as he doesnt need them anymore and they are more than likely causing him to have a low sperm count - certainly with the obesity and drinking on top. I am really proud of him for doing so much I really am.

Since he's been doing this though he has turned into a really nasty person. I love him but I dont like him. I try not to spend much time with him at home as I cant say anything to him without him having a go at me. He doesnt listen to anything I say, he just rolls his eyes. He doesnt work at the moment and he does absolutely nothing around the house either. I work all week and have a pretty stressful job, so at the very least I would expect that the washing up would be done by the time I got home from work (especially as its just the plates that he has used during the day) but no. For the last week Ive got home to a dirty kitchen, no dinner ready (not that i expect that) no housework done at all. He's just sitting in front of the TV playing his X-Box. I feel so angry with him but I dont want to argue so I just do it all myself, like a martyr!

My weekends are basically spent cleaning. His are spent sleeping and getting me to do stuff for him. He once called me down from upstairs to come and pass him the remote that he couldnt reach from the sofa! Im not joking!

He nags me constantly about doing stuff and goes on about how he is the tidy one! He is such a hypocrite! He bosses me around, and im sure hes just with me cos I have a car!

He tells me Im boring and that everything I say annoys him. He also said the other day that he doesnt fancy me anymore becuase Im baby mad and its just not sexy. I try really hard not to just have babymaking sex but he doesnt want to know. I bought new sexy underwear, and tried to 'get it on' with him but he just rejected me which is so embarrassing and degrading. I feel so unsexy and frumpy now. He also doesnt make any effort in the bedroom anymore. There was a time that he wouldnt stop until he had made me cum, now its just him lying there with me trying to please him. I get no pleasure anymore unless I do it myself!

I do so much for him and his family. His brother is a paranoid schizophrenic and he stays at our house a couple of nights a week. He is lovely but very hard work, he's very demanding, eats and drinks me out of house and home and needs to talk about what is going on in his head all the time, which I dont mind at all but sometimes Im just so tired. My OH is hard work when his brother is there. Im basically banished to the bedroom whilst they watch football or play video games. He constantly nags his brother too, he cant do anything right either, so its not just me that gets the grief.

Basically my question is, am I stupid to even think of having a baby with this selfish man? is he ever likely to change once a baby arrives? Or would I be better off alone?

The worst thing is I really love him. He does have loads of really good points of course, Im just finding it difficult to see them at the moment. I sometimes cant tell if Im still with him because it is a challenge and certainly not boring like my previous relationship. Im also scared of leaving him as Im obviously really broody, I want a child so much! Trust me, If I was going to use someone just to get pregnant, it wouldnt be him! We have been together for almost 3 years.

I really think he would make a great Dad, and I know he really wants it too. I guess Im scared of leaving him and possibly not finding anyone else to settle down with, certainly have a family as I think you should get to know someone for a long time first. My clock is ticking!

Im praying things get better for us as I dont want us to split up, but at the same time I dont want to be walked over for the rest of my life either. Im so confused! I really dont know what to do for the best. Im sure next week we will be great, but then the week after that it will turn to shit again.

 

[Babylicious]

Firstly big

he needs to get off his rear and at least start helping you around the house, do you think it would change if you had a baby? I don't think it would.

Whats his reason for not working?

It sounds like you have the patience of a saint to tolerate it

 

[choklatemunky]

Oh Loola, I know you mentioned problems in Chartstalkers but....oh dear

Obviously it is a good thing that he has stopped doing a lot of his drinking, that he has tried to cut out the tablets and is now eating healthily - and part of that has to be for you and for ttc so Im sure he does love you in his own way and does want a baby with you.

The thing is with some people, is that if thay can get away with it they will do it. It seems like you feel he is taking you for granted and not really appreciating you. It may be that he is the type of person who needs a shock to the system to change, for example - you going to stay with someone else such as a friend for a few days to show him how much you do for him, or he may be the type of person who, if you sit down to talk through things calmly will see your point of view (although I have to say from what you have written it does seem a little unlikely). There is that saying "You dont know what youve got til its gone" - and this might apply here. Of course I am not saying just up and leave forever, maybe as I say just taking a few days out from each other to make sure that you miss each other and really want to be together (as it sort of sounds like you are having doubts about whether you want to be there at all right now, which is why a short break may help you to get a clearer head).

It could be that some of the things he is doing is part of withdrawal symptoms from the life he has gotten used to up til now (drinking etc).

If my oh had called me from a different part of the house to pick somethign up as he couldnt be bothered to move, I would have just walked away and not got it for him - telling him if he wanted it that bad he could get up and get it himself - and this is waht I mean about him doing things because he is getting away with it - the more you give the more he will take from you....and that is not a good slide to be on.

You really do deserve to be appreciated more as you do so much for him - and everyone can see that it is out of love, but I think you just need some time to do things for yourself - go out without him somewhere with friends and have some 'me time'.

You shouldnt be scared of leaving him so please please dont feel (that if you decide that is what you want to do) that it will mean you wont have children. Things come along when you least expect them. I dont mean to sound like I am telling you to leave, as obviously I dont know all the ins and outs of it all, but please think about whether this is what you really want. There could be someone else who will treat you like a princess waiting in the wings for you.......

I was in a bad relationship before i met my o.h. I was being walked all over and I let it happen as I thought he was the one and because I thought I loved him. When I finally decided that enough was enough, we split up and soon thereafter I had an email from a man who I had not seen for years, asking whether I wanted to meet up for a drink, I went and that man is now my husband.....I think things all happen for a reason - he came back into my life right at the right time and I couldnt be happier with him. I think that, although I thought I did, I didnt ever truelly love the bloke I was with before, as after all, I see Love as a two way street - there has to be give and take from both sides for it to work.

I hope you can sort something out Loola but whatever happens, everynow and then at least you must remember to put yourself first!

Having a baby is a big step and if you aren't getting any help now, are you likely to when a baby comes?

Not sure if I have been any help at all?

Big Hugs

 

[Urchin]

OMG you are a saint to put up with that, I don't think could.

I think he needs a good talking too... no one will know if he's going to change except you and him, if you want him to change the first thing you need to do is tell him... the way things are now he'll never change if you just put up with it.

 

[Loola]

Thanks Choklatemunkey! and everyone else! You have been a great help, you really have. I think I might go and see some of my old girl friends from Tamworth that I havent seen properly since I split up with my previous fella almost 3 years ago!

OH is trying really hard today, but it wont last I know it. I do need some time to think seriously about stuff. I have told him so many times if he doesnt really love me he should tell me the truth because its not fair to let me waste my precious time with him. I do believe that he loves me though, and its partly my fault that I have let him get away with murder for so long. Im such an independent person and he is so needy. I guess I like the feeling of being needed as I am so bloody motherly, lol, but I want to be a mother to a baby not to a 6'2, 23 stone man!

I have to remember that his lifestyle change is probably what is causing his mood swings. I would leave him in a flash if he went back to the way he used to be, there was no future for us at all before Christmas. At least he is making the effort now i suppose.

Im one of those pathetic people that finds it hard to be selfish at all. I have tried so many times but I always give in.

 

[Mildly]

Aww hun

So sorry you're having problems. I think it would definitely help to sit down together and have a long talk about things. I'm not trying to excuse his laziness/selfishness but it may have something to do with feelings of inadequacy as he has yet to get you pregnant. This can often be a big thing for a bloke and he may be feeling that you are trying to use him for his sperm even though you've tried hard to move the emphasis off the babymaking.

I would outline to him that you are TTC because you love him and want his baby not just a baby but that you are not prepared to run around after him from now on. As he is not working he needs to start pulling his weight around the house so that when the weekend comes you can both relax and have fun together. I would tell him that you appreciate all the efforts that he has made so far as TTC is concerned, the healthy diet and weaning himself off the anti-depressants.

I would definitely outline to him what it is you expect from him and ask him what he would like i.e. less baby talk (you can always come on here for that) as it does make some men feel under pressure. Make sure that you are both aware of what you want and where you stand and then put it into practice for the next month/two weeks.

If he is unco-operative and unwilling to make the changes that you want then I have to say it doesn't look too good for your relationship At least you will know you've tried really hard to talk to him like an adult and discussed solutions which are designed to make you both happier. I definitely wouldn't carry on picking up after him or for him as it won't help either of you and will make you more resentful of him.

It could be the wake up call and reassurance that he needs to start treating you properly. I really hope so because I do think it would be a shame to throw it all away without a bit of a fight for it first. Good luck loola, i really hope it works and your relationship gets back on track

 

[reallyoldmum]

Oh Loola first think you need those.

Now onto your man; its not on - if you work full time and he is at home the least you should expect is a tidy house to come home to. I know its a personal question but does he help out with the bills etc? Why does he not have a job? It sounds like he has got himself into a rut.

When I first met Dave he was working as a window cleaner when he felt like it - he moved into my house with me and my two children and I paid all the bills - to be honest I was so chuffed that someone wanted to be with me after a terrible marriage I put up with it - we lasted 8 years and over the time I became more and more resentful. I have to say that things did change when he started a new business which was successful so money was no longer the issue but I still did everything around the house. Anyway to cut a long story short I became so resentful that we split up after 8 years - it broke my heart but I couldnt live with feeling second best - It took 18 months of not seeing each other and me nearly marrying someone else (thank god I didnt but thats another story) but Dave turned up at 4.00 am one sunday morning at my house and the rest is history. We now have a house we own jointly, got married a year ago and have never been happier - except for the baby thing.

I suppose what I am saying is that unless you deal with it it will all come out one day - so sit him down and talk it through, you may have to compromise about some stuff too - best get it sorted before a baby is on the way x x x x x x

PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[Loola]

Thanks Mildly Everything you said is right. I non-stop encourage him with his healthy lifestyle and pay him non-stop compliments about his weight loss and how well he is doing not drinking.

Our last big row was about TTC and how it has taken over my life, which I think it would any woman who has been trying for longer than 6 months without conceiving. He told me I put him under so much pressure, and I suppose I do to some extent. I then had the chance to tell him how much pressure I put myself under each month, how every little twinge, sore boob and feeling tired makes me question if Im pregnant and how let down I am every time AF arrives. I kept all this from him as he never wanted to talk about it. Now he says he wants me to talk to him about how Im feeling just not all the technical stuff e.g. when Im ovulating, temps etc which is absolutely fine by me as I didnt want to talk to him about that either, but I HAVE to tell him when ovulation is approaching as otherwise Id never get any sex at all! I just cant win!

Im not going to tell him next month though, see if it takes the pressure off or if he's just using that as an excuse.

Im also going to try hard not to clean up after him. It will kill me if I have to see dirty plates lying around for days, but I must be strong! Im not going to wash his clothes either. He will learn to do it himself eventually! if not he's going to be a smelly man for a long time!

 

[leckershell]

Loola let me know if you do come to Tamworth

<<<<< location

Also if you need somewhere to stay I know a couple who run a pub in town (with rooms upstairs) that would probably give it you cheaper if I enquired for you

Kick his ass into gear by the way

 

[Loola]

In reply to ROM - Thank you I was trying to think of a reason as to why he hasnt got a job but they were just silly excuses for the fact that he is basically lazy. The truth is his Dad is loaded and gives him an allowance every week. Its ridiculous at age 28 I know. I wish his Dad would stop giving him money so he would have to get off his arse and get a job, but he wont as he gives him money to pay back for being a complete ******* to him, his brother and their mother when they were kids.

Thankfully though that does mean that he does pay his share of the bills and the rent. I wouldnt be able to afford the house without him. We live a comfortable life.

He has now applied for a provisional driving licence on the promise that he will learn to drive and is then more likely to get a job. He wants to get into becoming a Support Worker for people with mental illness allegedly. He changes his mind about what he wants to do every week. I will support him through whatever he chooses to do of course. I just hope he really does it and it isnt all talk.

 

[libs]

sorry all this is going on.

I think probably both of you are vulnerable right now - you because as you say anyone going over 6 months ttcing starts to seriously feel the effects of it, him because he is making these lifestyle changes. Also he may be feeling a little inadequate in terms of his health etc being a factor in the ttcing.

As far as housework goes - is his mother v traditional by any chance? He just may be used to women doing the housework. We have a simple rule in our house - if one of us isn't working or is on holiday - they do the MAJOR part of the housework. (Of course in my DHs case this never involves washing or ironing...but that's because I don't let him ) I'd say if you are working and he isn't, he should do all the housework. Sell it to him with the idea that this means you're both free to go and do other things at weekends.

But if he shouts you to get the remote again, go down and move it further away from him then go back upstairs.

 

[Loola]

Loola let me know if you do come to Tamworth

<<<<< location

Also if you need somewhere to stay I know a couple who run a pub in town (with rooms upstairs) that would probably give it you cheaper if I enquired for you

Kick his ass into gear by the way

Awww thank you!! I think my friend has a spare room, but thanks very much for the offer. I have arranged with my friend (Zoe Delaney, dunno if you know her?) to go and visit on the 1st March. Looking forward to it already! Just pray I dont bump into my ex That would be too weird.
I will let you know where we are going out!

 

[Loola]

Libs - His mother is a MARTYR!! Ive never known a more hard working woman! She has 3 sons and a husband that she does everything for, one Son that is schizophrenic and is very demanding. She really is wonder woman. I could never be as strong as her!

I am going to try that about the housework. Though I have said a million times that if the situation was reversed and I was the one at home and he was working he would not put up with coming home to a dirty kitchen for a second. He ignores me of course. The only problem with the 'doing things on weekends' is that we never do because of the football.

 

[libs]

and that's why I have made my son clean his own room, change his own bed, put away his own ironing etc from the age of 8 - so someday - my daughter in law can say thank you....like she will, she'll probably think I'm a dragon

so you have to break ingrained habits hun - good luck - I'm sure with all the changes he's already made he will be willing to at least meet you half way

GO TO THE FOOTBALL sounds daft - but surprise him with tickets for you both - even if you save up and get them for valentines...so long as you don't have a mountain of housework to do - I never liked football but I enjoy going to matches with DH - there's a great atmosphere.

 

[Loola]

I love the football too! However, he doesnt always go to the match, most of the time its football on TV that we plan our lives around. Now that we have Virgin + though there is no excuse!

When he does go to the match its with all his male mates, its his 'male bonding' session and Id rather not be there when they talk about 'doing' Paris Hilton (they have no class)

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

I woudl have a chat and tell him what changes you want him to make if he loves he he will do his best to fix things.
Good luck hun your very patient
Katrina

 

[tracyM]

deleted because of the bunny boiler

 

[Redshoes]

Wanted to give you some Loola, I do hope you can find some peace and work through to a better place, that lasts, you obviously love him, I really hope it stays positive for you

 

[Loola]

Thanks everyone for your good advice and lovely comments. Its been a funny old week, but I have got ALOT off my chest and told him some pretty harsh truths. He spent some time crying last night about what a ******* he has been to me. Even though I hate to see him cry, I feel like a weight has lifted now that he really knows how I feel. He told me how he feels as well, especially the pressure on him in the baby making. I really hope now that he can talk to me about it instead of just ignoring it all and I really hope this is the beginning of things getting better. We have made some really good decisions about TTC and I am feeling really hopeful so I hope we stick to it. I know I feel alot closer to him today and realise how much I do love him and how much he loves me. I do hope we can not have such nasty rows in the future. I suppose that we are so passionate is a good thing!

 

[Penstraze]

I was in a similar situation (although not the baby making part) a few years ago things were really bad with OH he said some awful things to me and really knocked my confidence, I did everything round the house and felt he was only with me cause it was easier and for sex on tap it didnt feel like he loved me any more, and I started to resent him and couldnt bare to be around him, we rowed all the time and I was misserable! Eventually I told him how I felt and how he made me feel he was really upset and tried alot harder but it was too little too late and I couldnt get past my resentment for him eventually we split (my fault I was kind of having a relationship with someone else, although we didnt have sex it was more emotional suport) I wish I had had the courage and conviction to just leave before then so no one else needed to be involved and I wouldnt have hurt him so much, but after 6 months appart and some good chats we decided to give it another go but living appart to start with.
He forgave my mistakes because he appreciated how badly he had treated me and how it had effected me and understood why I did what I did. We have been back together about 2 years are getting married in under a month and have a baby on the day, things are much beter although he still does very little around the house he appreciates what I do do more, and also appreciates that he needs to give me time and attention, I have learnt to stand up for myself more and to tell him straight away if I feel neglected or put on and it seems to be working. We have our moments but I try and remember every day how lucky I am to have a second chance of happiness with him but also how I can and did cope without him, so I am with him because I want to be not because I need to be which makes a big difference!

Sorry for long post just hoping you can learn from my mistakes to speak up for yourself on how you feel and not put up with being unhappy because we all have our breaking points, if all else fails a break and the thought of losing you can do alot to put things in perspective for him and make him realise what he has and how much he loves you! I really hope it works out for you!