I hate him!!!!!

[laura dec 1988]

Hey Toffeepop, dont be sorry lol its right what you say.

x

 

[titch]

No, Im sorry thats wrong. Every time you with someone you are taking responsibility for the possibility that you might end up with a child.

You did not "choose" this and thinking abortion not abortion is just like ticking a box on a form, would you like to have a baby?: yes / no

Abortion is a very complicated issue. Maybe not for him cos his body is not affected by it, but seriously. Even if you had an abortion. Your child still existed. and he was once a father.

 

[laura dec 1988]

exactly. I accept it was a shock, the baby wasn't planned ( i was antobiotics and had sickness and diareha sorry for tmi lol ) But its happened and abortion was not possible for me.....i just couldnt for personal reasons. My sis had still borns and miscarriages and found it really hard to keep the 2 that she has, it was awful seein her suffer i would never forgive myself.

xx

 

[titch]

Exactly the same as me. Abortion isnt contraception hun. He's acting like you sneakily stopped taking the pill or something. Hope he's getting hell from his collegues and I really hope the other army wives are being supportive of your situation xxx

 

[laura dec 1988]

It makes me wonder what he is actuallly tellin people u no!! Before i was pregnant i was soooo close to his family, they havent been in touch once. Its been my 21st, xmas new year ect ect iv had nothing from any of them, Surely as a mother and a father you would encourage your son to do the right thing??

So it makes me think what lines hes been spinning them, but yeah the swag's (soldiers wifes and girlfriends) as we use to call ourselfs haha have been dead good, bar a few which im not really loosing any sleep over if im honest
xx

 

[Simoneh00]

Hey, only new on here but thought I'd throw in my two pence
Your little girl is so much better off without him. My daughter unfortunately watched her dad walk out on us and not care about her and I wished he had done it while she was still in my tummy cause seeing her hurt broke my heart.
You seem like a strong woman and i really do wish you the best of luck

 

[ToffeePop]

Laura, you have absolutely no idea what he's been saying and it really, really isn't worth worrying about you've got enough to be thinking of.

 

[laura dec 1988]

Aww simone it seems your strong too mrs does she not see her dad then??

I know toffeepop gunna just get on with my life and enjoy it

xx

 

[Simoneh00]

No she doesn't and he won't see this little one either. I think it's healthier that someone's either consistantly in a kids life or not at all rather than wandering in and out all the time. Plus, being a single mum gives you a great excuse to double the hugs and kisses

As for what he's been telling folk, I'd expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised
I'm all the whores under the sun and I'm violent (even though he's the one charged with domestic assault lol) Funny thing about his family is they'll more than likely take his side no matter what. Their loss cause I'm sure your daughter will be beautiful and amazing
xx

 

[laura dec 1988]

Aww thanks hunni seems you enjoy been a single mum? and im sure i will too

xx

 

[Simoneh00]

I love being a single mum
It was really daunting at first but actually easier than having a difficult OH hanging around making things difficult

No idea what it'll be like with two but I'm looking forward to finding out

How's your pregnancy been so far?
xx

 

[titch]

I can totally believe its easier being a single parent. Im not leaving my OH. But its certainly not the fairytale Disney made us believe in!!

 

[Paratus]

It's a shame the sort of attitudes on display here! Especially when people are going on about "making him pay by law" and stuff, or "making his life unbearable!" What on Earth would that solve? Honestly, look at you all, clamouring about "making him pay" and blahing on about the CSA; sod the bloody money, this is the girl's father you're talking about!! It's utterly disgraceful; you're looking at grabbing 15% of his salary, but instead with a bit of empathy and a bit of work you could have a proper family and a real father. What's that worth?

Laura, you posted about your relationship in this forum just a few threads ago, and I posted a pretty lengthy reply that you totally ignored. Please please please go back and read it here. What you have here is a young, emotionally immature guy who is going through an awful lot. There is a prevailing attitude that the only person who is allowed to be emotional and upset by a pregnancy is the mother, and that's simply not true; when it's an unexpected pregnancy, it can be EXTREMELY hard on the father as well.

This is all going to change his life, forever, and he's lashing out, he's upset, he doesn't want to know, he wants to run away from it. Our society is awkward in that it supports abortion, so he sees that there was a way out and you didn't take it, and he feels like you're forcing this on him. He's going to feel like things are closing in on him, and his young, bachelor life is coming to an enforced end before he wanted it to.

Yes, you are all right that he has to live up to his responsibilities, but remember, in the same way that any expectant mother needs some help and support to get through the occasional wibble, an expectant father NEEDS and DESERVES support too. He is not necessarily a bad guy; this is just the most amazing, shocking, permanent thing that's ever happened to him, and he's not got anyone to speak to and he's running away from it.

This is a wonderful site, and there are a lot of good people here who say some great things, but it seems like the lack of fathers here makes a big impact. It is hard for the guy involved as well sometimes. I'll have to write up my experiences when my OH said she was pregnant some time, but believe me, it's not easy and it's not simple. And it is AWFUL that people here immediately react with "oh you're better off without him, the CSA will help you get a third of his money" rather than trying to understand that he might be going through something difficult as well. Shame on you all for immediately lumping every upset expectant father into that sort of pile!

Stop focussing on what you can get out of him, and try and remember the shock when you realised you were pregnant. He's going through that too. He needs some people to talk to, and he needs help. What he's said IS awful, and a lot of it will be difficult to forgive, but if you loved him enough to take the risk of making a baby with him, then you owe him enough to look at WHY he's saying these things.

If you have any feelings for him at all, please think about what you're doing. You are not the only person affected by this pregnancy, and it would surely be better to have your daughter raised by a happy couple than a single mum.

 

[Princess81]

Ok fair point about the money thing maybe but I can't see how u expect anyone to put up with that behaviour. I certainly wouldn't, yes being an expectant parent probably is a scary time for everyone but it does not give this man the right to treat her like dirt and say these awful things, especially stuff like he's going to afghan to get away - that's a helll of a guilt trip. Maybe you have made some fair points there but u sound like u are trying to justify despicable behaviour, if she's not getting any emotional support the least he can do is support her and his child financially? I would not be taking back any man into my life who had such a poor attitude. What happens the next time something really rattles him? This is a clear example of emotional immaturity on his part and he needs to man up. Sorry, agree to disagree.

 

[Paratus]

Yup, it's a clear example of emotional immaturity on his part, and yup, he absolutely needs to man up, you're totally right.

However, I take issue with a lot of other things that have been said. He's said some nasty things, yes, and he's been incredibly awful and there is no excuse for how he's spoken to her, but there is an explanation. I don't condone what he has done for a second. But why can't anyone think that maybe those were extreme reactions to the massive, massive shock of being a young, early-twenties guy and being told "hey, you're going to be a dad?"

You say "I can't see how you expect anyone to put up with that behaviour." I'm not sure if you were perfectly pleasant to everyone you knew from the moment you found out you were pregnant, but it affects the father to be as well. I was far from a perfect husband for a large chunk of our pregnancy, and I regret it more than anything. But I am glad that my wife realised that I might need some help getting used to this as well, and she gave me time; and now I'd argue with anyone who said I wasn't the most devoted father you'd find within 1000s of miles!

I'll say it again. I'm not trying to justify his despicable behaviour. I am not saying it's alright to be nasty to a pregnant woman. I am not trying to excuse any of the specifics. All I want to get across is that the pregnancy affects him too, and not one single person on this thread seems to have given 1% of thought to the father. He is young, he is immature, he is in perhaps the most pregnancy-unfriendly environment I can think of as a young guy in the Army, and he's had an utterly God-awful reaction to things, but it can be explained.

2 last points. Yes, he will support the child financially, because the law makes him. But it's awful if people think that's all a father should be; a source of money. Secondly, if you don't think you can forgive your partner because they had a poor reaction to the most phenomenal, emotional, extreme thing that can happen to a human being, then that's a shame; because I'm sure there are a lot of guys like me who found it hard, but are now incredibly happy fathers in happy relationships.

All I want people to do is have some empathy. Nothing excuses awful behaviour, but plenty explains it.

 

[Princess81]

I haven't had the experience so dunno (no kids as yet). Know my o/h would freak which is why I'm trying to bring him round to the idea slowly (past 7 years so far), so he's buggering off to afghan too. However, would not appreciate that reaction at all and would be equally as upset and feel like kicking his arse from here to kingdom come.
Will probably have similar posts on here in a few months to come (hopefully ish) - so watch this space I suppose for more rants from the females. And I already know I'll be a crabbit bat if I get pg, so he'd prob be safer in afghan anyhoo.

 

[Princess81]

And maybe one of the only ways us girls can get to men is through their pockets? It sounds callous but from the blokes I know (and I don't know their ex o/h's) some really don't give a damn about the child or want to see it or have anything to do with it, the only thing they are worried about is the cash. I don't believe that to be true in most cases (at least I hope not) but the one's I know with that attitude need a slap and a boot in the arse (and these are now 5 yr old kids, not babies anymore - still no interest).

 

[Paratus]

However, would not appreciate that reaction at all and would be equally as upset and feel like kicking his arse from here to kingdom come.

But you see, this is the sort of thing I'm worried about. You've already decided that if he doesn't support you 110%, then you'll be angry with him. You need to realise that if it's not what he's expecting, then he'll struggle, and you might get a sub-optimal response.

I promise, I'm not trying to be belligerent, I'm not trying to disagree, but really, you need to realise that your OH might be shocked and he might not necessarily respond exactly the way you want him to.

 

[Paratus]

And maybe one of the only ways us girls can get to men is through their pockets? It sounds callous but from the blokes I know (and I don't know their ex o/h's) some really don't give a damn about the child or want to see it or have anything to do with it, the only thing they are worried about is the cash. I don't believe that to be true in most cases (at least I hope not) but the one's I know with that attitude need a slap and a boot in the arse (and these are now 5 yr old kids, not babies anymore - still no interest).

... which might be disappointing, as well. Maybe some of these guys would have ended up as decent fathers, but because they only got abuse when they were feeling extremely fragile and made the wrong decisions, they were driven further and further away and end up as nothing but a source of money.

You have to see what I mean, right? Even if I were just playing devil's advocate, it's entirely feasible that women resorting to a "one chance or it's the CSA" approach isn't a good thing.

 

[Princess81]

It shouldn't be one shot then CSA at all but I can see how sometimes it is the only form of security a girl can get - it's not what anyone wants to happen but its not fair on the child if the dad decides he doesn't want to be there. it shouldn't be used as a weapon but probably a safeguard for the childs sake.

But if someone's hurt you so badly would you not want to get some sort of point across by hurting them the only way they can be hurt? Maybe its a girl thing but I don't think the girls were saying it out of spite, just out of support.