Husband wants baby now, I am not ready - please help

[isabeexx]

My husband and I dated for 2 years and lived together before we got married and we talked about children and I assumed that I would be ready one day.

We've been married for almost a year and he really wants a baby and at the moment, I am not ready. We spoke about it a few months ago and he said "we got married because we wanted children" but that's not what I remember!! I didn't rush to get married to have kids and he never said at the time that that's why he wanted to get married. All our friends were engaged and we had been together 2 years so felt like it was time. Now all our friends are pregnant or have kids and I feel like he wants to "keep up" but mylife doesn't revolve around what everyone else is doing.

I'm almost 30 but I'm not ready for kids and I don't think I will be anytime soon. He's 2 years older than me so I know he won't want to wait around forever but I just don't know when I will be ready....

I think some of the reasons that I am feeling this way is that I just don't feel like I am "in love" anymore.... we argue so much and when I am on my own I feel like I am happy and I don't miss him! we had a horrible engagement and I feel like I can now see the real him in terms of his real personality.... Sometimes he is so moody and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Most of the time he is great to me and always helps me with everything and pays me compliments but he also has a mean, controlling and selfish side... when we argue he always makes it "my fault" and I need to apologise to him....he is never wrong...

Also, I really cannot stand my MIL as she is super interfering (at the moment, indirectly - through him) and I worry that she will always be around trying to take over as I see how she is with DH neice and nephew already..... if I never saw her again, I would be sooooo thrilled.

he is not abusive or anything like that... he can just be a bit mean and controlling and this really has started to put me off and is one of the reasons I am putting off having kids... I just feel like I may not love him anymore and feel like maybe I need to think of an exit route but I just don't know how........ I feel like it's better now rather than later.

please help me..... please don't post abusive comments. Also, I have been to therapy and was advised that it seems like I already know what I want to do... I don't think a therapist will make me change the way I feel abt him....

 

[VikkiR]

Seems like you have made your mind up to end the marriage, Infact it sounds like on your part it's over already. If that is the case having children with him would be a huge mistake and you'll all probably suffer in the long run. Making do with better the devil you know is not a nice way to live and in the end it stops you and him for finding mr/ms right. The only thing I will say is that it's easier to restart your life in your 30s than 40s (I have had to do it at 30 and 40) and it might be hard at the time, but 12 months from now you'll be 12 months further on in finding true happiness. Good luck hun x

 

[isabeexx]

Thanks Vikki

I am just scared and I don't know how to do it! I am ashamed and feel like a failure and I feel like I will lose all of my friends even though I know I will be happier in the long run.

How did you start over? what gave you the strength to move on?

 

[VikkiR]

The first time it wasn't my choice, but the second was. I had put off ending the relationship for about 5 years because I felt guilty, bad decision! Fortunately the house was mine and I asked him to leave, BUT if the house had been his I would've left years ago. It's easier to just leave I think as you can live anywhere and no one has to know, Infact you don't even need to have a confrontation you can plan in the background, find somwhere else and just go when everything's in place. Wouldn't recommend that unless you're fearful of violence or harassment as my first husband did that to me in the night and I woke to find a note. The second time was easy once the decision was made, I KNEW I'd be happier and knew the sooner I did it. The sooner we'd get over it. There were repercussions when I eventually met my now husband but it made us stronger. It was the best thing I ever did tbh. There were times when I was so lonely, but I knew it would get better and at least I wasn't dying inside anymore. I once read this phrase and it made so much sense 'you can't spend a lifetime being wrong just to prove you're right'. 6 months after I asked him to leave I met the love of my life, totally out of the blue and we now have a lo. Please don't be afraid to do what you need to do, I know it's scary and it can get messy, but you will feel empowered and happy on a level you never thought you would again. The only failure would be to stay in something that makes you unfulfilled, you deserve to be happy, life is too short hun, just imagine what it would be like once you got to the other side. I wish I could email you some girl power friends and family might get upset, no one likes change, but they'll get over it. Those that truly love you now will still do so after. Go chase your dreams Hun, you could have a brand new life waiting for you xxxxx

 

[knopk@]

I didnt want children neither did my husband... Until we met each other. In all honesty i think you dont want children with that person and it sounds like you are looking for reassurance. Nobody can make a decision so big for you so you have to sit down and think whats next

Tapatalking so cant see signatures

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I agree with all of the above.. It's clear your not happy and you probably never will be with your husband.. As hard as it will be it sounds like you need to break away and have a fresh start..
Noone can blame you for falling out of love, you haven't cheated and you haven't brought a baby into the world withthe knowledge that it won't work between you. All anyone can have is respect for that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me.. Think of it from his side.. Would u rather carry on and pretend ur happy etc or be honest with him and you can both find happiness elsewhere?

 

[Humesy]

the girls have it covered, but good luck with it xxx

 

[isabeexx]

I thought I might give an update and hear / read your thoughts...

Last night we had a huge fight. It started when we were in the car driving somewhere and there was a car in front of us that was driving pretty slowly.... anyway, DH starts flashing his lights at them (he always does this when someone is in his way) and I told him to calm down and have some patience, it's not like we are in a hurry to get anywhere -- he got upset and told me that when he drives, he can drive how he likes and I must not tell him what to do as I am taking control!! (Once I asked him to slow down and this also caused a huge fight because I was telling him what to do even though I was scared!!! I must just drop it according to him). Anyway, so after all the flashing of the lights he started yelling at me and telling me that I always take other people's side, why don't I support him... I said the driver was an old lady why can't he have some patience and compassion!!! he said if she can't drive she shouldn't be on the road.... then he yelled, i yelled and then he yelled like I have never heard him yell before at which point I said that I am leaving -- i went home and packed, put my jacket on and as I was about to leave I saw him sitting in the drak so tried to talk to him and landed up staying... we didn't figure anything out but I was 90% there in terms of leaving... it's just so hard to actually do it!!!

There was a long weekend 2 weeks ago, I took him away for his birthday for one night so we were back on the Sunday... Monday I went out for a few hours with a friend and when I got home he was sulking, saying that I abandoned him on his bday wknd, that I said we were going away for his bday... i was flabergasted.. I said I just took him away for one night but just because I went out with a friend, all the nice things I did before were simply forgotten about and disregarded...

he had a go at me about the gift my mom bought him for his bday.... said it was very cheap meanwhile I am not kidding but his mom must have spent around £2.00 on my bday gift but I didn't say anything to him. He had a go that my mom didn't give him his gift on his bday (she gave it to him the next day when she saw him) --- he always gives such high importance to things that shouldn't matter and the things that do he just doesn't see it the way I do!!

He says that I need to calm down and learn to drop things and I told him I can't go through life just dropping everything that upsets me..... He said I have anger issues and that he only yelled at me after I went on at him for 20 minutes.... this is not true...

anyway, I packed my bags last weekend, didn't go in the end, did it last night but didn't go.... I need to just go but I don't know how.... my gut tells me I should... he tells me that he doesn't think we have problems and there is nothing wrong with arguing in a relationship but there are some major issues here and he says I can't change him and I will certainly not change for him (grin and bear everything).

 

[Jayceesmumma]

This is ridiculous babe really.. He can't demand to have expensive presents given on his birthday he should be grateful for a present regardless!! He shouldn't be driving like a lunatic and having road rage what if u have a child in the car?
Yes arguements in relationships can be 'healthy' coz bottling things up really don't help.. But he's asking you to keep everything inside.. Not healthy.. Why wouldn't he want to know what upsets you? You need to know so you can make each other happy! It seems like a very one sided relationship.. Why is he sulking that you wet out for a couple of hours when u took him away for the night? Sounds very ungrateful.. Does he always complain when you go out?
Don't keep packing your bags and staying or else he will know you will cave in and will think its all for a big show and not serious.. Maybe try and have a very honest serious conversation outlining why you are so unhappy and that you are very serious about leaving.. It's very hard to leave I'm not going to say its easy but once you've done it and had some time away you'll find it easier and you'll know if it was the right thing or not. If he's happy to let you go then he's not worth it. If he's willing to change then you can work on things.. But don't move back in til you see these changes. Take control of the relationship. Be honest and tell him your falling out of love with him.. If some home truths don't make him see what he's doing wrong then he will never see it

 

[isabeexx]

Thanks for your reply - everything you say is 100% right.... sorry to bang on about this --- sounds so petty when I right it down.

he says that it sounds like I made my decision - he doesn't try to stop me when I try to leave, he just sits in another room... he always tells me that the relationship is one sided as he just gives gives gives... he asked me what I ever do for him?

Yes, I know, he doesn't take me seriously because I stay... maybe I should just leave and spend the weekend alone. I feel awful but think it's the right thing to do. when I tell him how I feel he just says that I sound like I have made a decision so I should just stick to it.

He wasn't demanding to have expensive gifts. I told him that I bought my mom's bf a gift for his bday and he asked how much it was so I told him and he said that it was more than they spent on him! it's always about money for him... who cares how much was spent? what about the though? also, he still goes on and on about how unaccomodating my mother is to him which is total rubbish - maybe she wasn't accomodating when we were engaged because he called her a "parasite" one day and still hasn't apologised.... but since then she is always nice to him despite her feelings about him and still, he manages to tell me to this day that she is unaccomodating... I don't think he will ever say anything good about her... no matter what she does it will always be wrong in his eyes, even bringing a bday gift to him a day after his bday!!

he has been sending me msg's this morning asking me if I have calmed down yet....

 

[Jayceesmumma]

A parasite??!!! And he hasn't apologized??? Awful!! How can he expect so much from her after that?? Obv I don't know full story but it's horrible!

It seems like he just wants u to make the decision to leave so he doesn't look the bad one for ending it.. Almost like in school when u don't wanna break up with someone so u act a right arse til they split up with u honestly babe I would say he's not 100% in this relationship.. Leave for a week or so and see how things go. There's nothing worse than knowing they think ur not worth fighting for. This is why I'm currently alone and OH is at his mummy's.. He's the same thinking he does everything when in fact he does sod all! U can't live like this babe