Dont want the same things!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Penstraze, Nov 26, 2007.

  1. Penstraze

    Penstraze Well-Known Member

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    I have always been honest with my OH that I want children and want to be a young mum so would like them before I am 25, im 24 next year and still have 1 and 1/2 years of my loan to pay off so wont be doing that, but would like to start trying when loan is paid off, he has always said he does want kids just not yet which was fine when I didnt want kids for years either. But friday night we had kind of a row and he said he wanted to have the snip because of contraception problems we are having, I said to him you know I want kids, you obviously dont want them at all and have been lying to me all this time telling me what you think I want to hear! He answered he would have kids to keep me but didnt actually want them and then it wouldnt be for years yet!

    I feel lied too and upset that we want such different things I dont want someone to do something as important as having children when they dont want too just to keep me, and I want a daddy for my kids who wants to be a big part of their lives and wont resent them!!!
    We're ment to be getting married next xmas and I cant help worrying if he's just doing that to keep me too as when we met he was adament he would never get married!

    Not sure theres an answer, I love him and dont want to be without him just needed to rant really
     
  2. Strangeness

    Strangeness Well-Known Member

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    I think you need to ask him what he really wants from your relationship. He shouldn't do anything just to keep you hun. If you both want different things then you need to decide what you want to do. Men are selfish at times and he probably sees having a child as something to hold him back. A baby would make or break you but it's a huge gamble to take! You both need to be 100% sure it's what you want and I don't see that from him. Sorry you're going through this hun :hug: :hug:
     
  3. mrs_tommo22

    mrs_tommo22 Well-Known Member

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    A child needs great parents and that both parents are committed to them.

    I was in a simillar situation and in the end i left him because we wanted dofferent things, i wanted kids, he didnt.

    You both need to sit down and have a serious talk
     
  4. Penstraze

    Penstraze Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your replies, we have been together 7 years and been through alot so I really dont want to just give up on us, the way I look at it I could leave him over having kids and find I couldnt have them then I would have lost the man I love for nothing! But I also cant imagine giving up my dream of having children feel abit stuck!
     
  5. Sherlock

    Sherlock Well-Known Member

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    Its a difficult situation. I think you both have to consider the long term effects something like this might have on you both and on your relationship.

    If you really want children and he does not, depriving yourself of even being able to try, to find out if you can seems so unfair. But I can understand you not wanting to throw 7 years away also.

    Have a long think about it. Think 5, 10, 15 years down the road as to how you may feel as time ticks on. His not wanting children may eat away at you and your feelings for him.

    You are still young and have a fairly long time before you need to start worrying about the old biological clock ticking, but don't leave it all too late before you take whatever action you are going to.

    I was in a similar situation as you when I was 24. I am now 37, met someone else in 2002, happily married to him more recently and now a baby on the way :) It maybe took a while, but I made my choice and have never regretted it. And here I am with a baby to look forward to. And I had no idea if I could even conceive as I had never tried before! It was nerve wracking to think I might not be able to, after all this time, but yay it happened :)

    Good luck with it. I really do hope you can work things out with him. Just think about what you really want, not just now but in the future. So long as you feel you are able to live with your choices and be happy about them, thats the most important thing.
     
  6. Jen & Her Men

    Jen & Her Men Well-Known Member

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    First of all :hug: :hug:
    I can completely sympathise with you. I was with my ex for 4.5 years and thought he was the love of my life. He was fun and we were best friends and i loved him dearly. Unfortunately he was also a big kid and very selfish and was very scared of marriage, kids - basically anything that meant him growing up and in his eyes being "boring". We had the same thing as you in that at first he seemed to want these things "one day" but that day never seemed to get any closer. By the time I was 26 and he was 30 I had to be realistic and realise that things were probably never going to change.
    I did love him still but I had started to really resent him and knew that if I didnt leave him, in 10 years time I would probably hate him and resent him for taking away my opportunity to have children, get married etc.
    Things that seemed to be such a natural progression for my friends and other couples was the cause for massive arguments with us all the time and commitment grew to be a horrible word and we ended up never talking about the future because it would always end up in a fight.
    In the end i took the decision that I had to leave him because there were 2 of us in the relationship and there was no point me blaming him for us not having kids or commitment when I wasnt doing anythign about it either.
    So I left him. It was the toughest decision I have ever made. I wasnt sure even if I could have kids cos i had PID a few years back. I loved him still but it wasnt enough anymore and i needed to try and make me happy because I felt so down and beaten up emotionally by the struggle our relationship had become.
    2 years on, I am married to a wonderful, wonderful man who has made all my dreams come true. I am madly in love with a baby on the way in a gorgeous house and I really couldnt be any happier!
    Meeting my DH made me realise that when its meant to be its meant to be. By all means fight for it if you feel its worth fighting for. But you will know in your own heart if things have gone past a certain point and the only thing that is keeping you together is the time you have spent together and the fact that you love him.
    I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you both come to happy conclusion as its clear you love him. But remember that if things do go wrong, sometimes its better to be brave and take that step into the unknown cos like me - it could be the best move you ever made!
    :hug:
     
  7. Penstraze

    Penstraze Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your replies, I think I have kind of been burying my head in the sand for awhile and just hoping time will change the way he feels and sort it all out, he was adament he would never marry when we met but we're getting Married next xmas.
    I find it difficult to say everything I want too cause he will interupt or I will get upset or side tracked so a friend suggested writting him a letter, which is a bit cowardly but at least it will explain to him how I feel and then we can have a proper talk so that may be worth a try I have always found it easier to write how I feel then to say it!

    He will say things in the heat of the moment or infront of his friends (sounds odd but he kind of feels he has to keep this reputation up of hating marraige and kids and all that kind of stuff in a jokey kind of way cause thats what hes always been like) that he doesnt really mean it but it can be hard to know what he does and doesnt mean and what hes just saying cause its what I want to hear so the only way to find out exactly how he feels on it all is have a good talk when we're both calm and in the right frame of mind for a heart to heart!
     
  8. Babylicious

    Babylicious Well-Known Member

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  9. bobtheunfortunateone

    bobtheunfortunateone Well-Known Member

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    Hi Penstaze :hug: Sounds all too familar. Does he want kids in the future? just with him saying he was getting the snip? I was with my fella for 9 years before we had our little boy. It was always something, "After we buy a house, after we get married, after we move into a bigger house..... We did all that (Which I agree was the right thing) then he agreed to try for a baby, we then both decided to have another (now on way).
    So it is just what his reasonings are. and he has to stop moving the goal posts! yes, no, maybe. You need to know what is it on the cards, if so then I think it will happen when the time is right. it did for us, even though I had to wait we have a great home and relationships, makes it worth the wait. If never or maybe, then you need more, don't want you to be 5= years down the line and nothing has changed.
     
  10. Penstraze

    Penstraze Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for all your replies, OH and I had a good talk and I feel much beter now, he has said he goes through periods of really wanting a baby and then something will put him off for awhile (like the really badly behaved youths that are always throwing stones at our windows and eggs at the houses etc :evil: ) he said he only suggested having the snip as it was the only way he could offer to do something to stop me suffering with contraception problems and he hadnt been thinking long term.
    He doesnt want to have children until we are in a possition to afford them, have moved to a bigger house and my loan is paid off which is also how I feel so not a problem. I was concerned that as the only contraception we are able to use at the moment is a diaphragm which isnt as effective as the pill etc if we had an accident he would blame me, but he has said he understands the risks and if an accident were to happen it was obviously ment to be and once it had sunk in he would be happy about it, since getting it all off my chest and having a good talk we have been getting on much beter which is really nice feels like a weight has been lifted! :D
     
  11. bobtheunfortunateone

    bobtheunfortunateone Well-Known Member

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    :hug: Ahhh worth the talk. I promise when its right you will know, best to have a good home, be comfy paying the mortgage and bills, then a baby is no struggle just a blessing. xx
     

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