Husband Reluctant to be a father...help??

[Alice]

Hi all
Newbie here but I hope someone else may have been in a similar situation. My hub and I met either other in our late thirties and married 4 years ago. When we met he said he never saw himself as being a father, and I found myself agreeing, but over the years as we have grown to love each other so much I have become broody. I adore him and I know he would be an fantastic dad. Anywaywe used protection untill a few months ago, then we had an honest chat where he agreed that we should just see what happens, and that anything happening is quite unlikely. Well....I am now totally 100% keen and excited at the prospect of falling pregnant, whereas he seems to be much less keen, to the extent that he is taking an interest in my cycles, and is 'tired' when I am at my most fertile. I don't want to be pushy, I just want nature to take it's course but don't want it to become an issue, as I am so grateful that we are at least trying at last. Also I don't want to have to be secretive as to when my cycle is and so on, or would that be reasonable, considering. Anyone else been through similar?
Thanks!

 

[Alice]

Something else too...he has this idea, always has had, that after a baby the sex life all but disappears. Goodness knows where that came from but it is surely complete rubbish

 

[Krystal]

Something else too...he has this idea, always has had, that after a baby the sex life all but disappears. Goodness knows where that came from but it is surely complete rubbish

My sex life is better Never been so horny

Sorry I don't really have much advice on your situation. Have you spoken to him? Maybe he is just so happy the way you both are at the moment he is concerned how the change will affect that. Men are funny creatures when it comes to change.

 

[dannii87]

Hi Alice Welcome to the forum and good luck TTC!!

There could be so many reasons he is being like he is, firstly, something may have happened in his life where the prospect of becoming a Dad scares the bejesus out of him... He could actually just be doing this for you and his love for you... He could genuinely be scared sh*tless that your relationship will change after the baby is born... The list is endless!

Have you had a real heart to heart with him about how he is feeling about it all?

I think too much focus is spent on women TTC/pregnancy and assuming the men are just "getting on with it" - which is why I think it's brilliant that there is a "Dad To Be" section on this forum!

Maybe suggest to him taking a peek in the dads section on here?

I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it and we spot a little post in 1st tri announcing your Big Fat Positive (pregnancy test)!! Good luck xx

 

[Alice]

Thanks Sweetcheeks and Dannii.

In response, yes he does love our current lifestyle, travel etc and yes he does have issues I guess, unhappy, poor childhood etc.

I understand about having a talk but at the same time don't want it to become a big 'thing'. Our discussion a few months back was fairly low key, basically me saying lets stop the contraception and see what happens, and he agreeing (I suspect he had seen it coming and is smart enough to know that he really could'n t say no). All of which is a long way off actively TTC. I'd rather keep from him how excited I really am about TTC as I suspect I would backfire. I'm not into game playing but I need to walk a fine line here, he know's I'm more interested in BD'ing than I was last year, I just need to keep him interested too!

 

[dannii87]

Aww I really feel for you Alice I do understand what you mean about not making it a huge issue. You might hear something you don't want to hear etc... Hopefully he'll come round.

It's a huge change for everyone, him included. Especially being male and potentially carrying you and your LO through financially. It's a lot of pressure on a bloke!

I'm sure he'll come round though hun, however scary it is, having a baby with someone you love dearly is natural and exciting. As soon as you get your BFP he'll change - I bet xx

 

[Squiglet]

Not all men are interested in the whole TTC idea... DH said it was all too icky! and while he really wanted to have a baby... he didn't want to know the ins and outs and there were some feminine mysteries that are best left as mysteries...

So I never told him when I was fertile... just attacked him when I was and he was ecstatic when I told him I was pregnant.

So although you don't want to tell him when your fertile... it might be easier

 

[bonuspregnant]

If he was so anti having a baby then surely he would tell you and request that protection be used again? Sounds to me like he's a bit scared of the idea but does want a baby.

I had an emergency C Section with my first and so sex life hasn't changed (better through age and experience) because nothing down there changed. You can pay privately for a C Section???

This time i want to give birth naturally (if possible) because i want to know how it feels in a weird kinda way, to be able to compare stories etc! If sex changed so much, there'd be squillions of single parents and if you exercise your pelvic floor after birth then all should fine and dandy!

Good luck with everything x x

 

[Jen & Her Men]

Something else too...he has this idea, always has had, that after a baby the sex life all but disappears. Goodness knows where that came from but it is surely complete rubbish

My sex life is better Never been so horny

Me too!

I was soooooo worried about how my DH would feel about my post preggo body..I knew I would get stretchmarks etc cos i was already prone to them and i thought it would really affect how much he fancied me.

To my astonishment (and pleasure) he tells me he fancies me more than he ever has - wobbly belly and all - and the way he is with me I believe him! That in itself makes me feel sexy and horny even if sometimes when im on my own i feel insecure and dont like the way i look anymore.
There is nothing that can bring 2 people closer together and have the most intimate sex than having a baby and being in love.

Good luck hun! Hope it all works out for you

 

[amethyst_echidna]

Having a baby in a married relationship should be done with complete honesty between the two of you IMHO. It sounds to me like one of two things are going through his head:

1) He wants to have a baby with you but is scared of the prospect for one or more reasons
2) He doesn't want to have a baby but knows how much you want one and wants to make you happy

If it's scenario 1 then a sit-down with a cuppa to let him talk to you about how he feels (no talking from you until he's done ) might be a good idea.

If it's scenario 2 then again you need to have a sit-down and a chat between the two of you. If he really doesn't want a baby and you really do then there may well be some problems. However you can't pressurise him into having a baby or not tell him when you're fertile so you get pregnant without him knowing. That could put a serious strain on the trust within your marriage and to me, trust is EVERYTHING.

It's probably an issue that can be resolved after giving him a proper chance to air his feelings to you without any pressure from you. Good luck!

AMETHYST

 

[Alice]

Thanks so much for all your replies !!!

AMETHYST - It is definately scenario 2. And there really isn't much to discuss, now that he has given the green light I am sooooooooooo excited about TTC and grateful that he wants me to be happy more than he doesn't want a baby. If that makes sense

I think I just need to keep a low profile as to where I am at with cycles and so on and will just hope and pray that things work out. And if they dont at least I know I had the chance and I have nothing to be resentful over...

Thanks again everyone
Axx.

 

[Penstraze]

Thanks so much for all your replies !!!

AMETHYST - It is definately scenario 2. And there really isn't much to discuss, now that he has given the green light I am sooooooooooo excited about TTC and grateful that he wants me to be happy more than he doesn't want a baby. If that makes sense

Thanks again everyone
Axx.

I don't want to cause any upset but if you are sure its that he doesn't want a baby but will have one to keep you happy I personally would want to have a good chat with him and see how anti a baby he is I wouldn't want someone to do something as serious as make a child just to keep me happy! If he really doesn't want a baby and you get pregnant it could put a real strain on your relationship having a baby together is something you should both agree on and want!

It could be that deep down he does want a baby and is scared, we got pregnant by accident we had talked about me wanting children and him not being so keen and him saying he would have kids one day but probably only to please me but I didn't want to have children that way I want an active loving Dad for my child not a reluctant one, when I found out I was pregnant he was not happy at all didn't want me to keep it but once he had gotten over the shock he started to come around and now we know she's a girl he is really excited and proudly introducing my bump to people as his daughter! I think he is going to be a great dad but I still worry if we have a bad patch of sleepless nights or something that he will resent me for keeping her I hope not but its something I worry about!

 

[Bubalu]

Hi Alice, It's difficult sometimes to work out why people feel what they feel. When I married my DH we both assumed that children would be something that we would want at some stage. We were both studying and then working and thoughts of children never really entered our minds. When I hit thirty, I was not at all maternal and DH didn't seem to want a baby either but by this stage I was a little concerned that we didn't shelve the idea completely and then regret the decision so I did say that I would be willing to have a baby if he wanted (but it was his decision) at regular intervals. At 35yrs I suddenly did start to get maternal feelings but at this stage DH said that we were comfortable the way we were and having a little one at our age was too much upheaval. He also said that he had wanted one when we were younger but I didn't seem to want to so he didn't say anything As the maternal instinct was only just starting for me, I was shocked but not devastated. A few things happened that mean't the whole thing was out of the question for a couple of years and then I had to have gyny surgery and once that was done, I knew that I had to confront the issue again. This time, instead of just asking if he wanted a baby as I had done before, I took a pad of paper and asked that we go through together pro's and cons of having a LO. The pros were all the nice things that you can imagine and the cons were...tiredness, money, being tied down and my health (my mums health was wrecked after having me so I think that always had a bearing on my feelings). We found that actually, the cons weren't so major...we'd been poor and happy before, we're always tired cos we work too hard anyway, we don't do that much stuff that we couldn't do with a baby in tow (it would just take a little more organisation) and finally, I am not my mum and it was probably coincidence that she got sick after having me. I think we had to go through all of that to convince my DH that I was fully aware of what we were doing and happy with the consequences and also to allay some of his own fears too. So here I am, pregnant at 40! DH is getting more excited as the pregnancy continues (think he was still worried about my health until it's become obvious that I am pretty well suited to pregnancy) . My only regret is that I didn't do this 10 years back because we never really had an honest chat about it until last year as neither of us wanted to feel like we were pressurising the other.

Sorry that was a long story but I hope that it helps. In my case, it was both of us that couldn't talk about having a baby properly. By sitting down and talking constructively, we both realised that we had the same fears and the same wishes. Perhaps you and your OH do too underneath it all.

All the best!

 

[Alice]

Thanks for that Bubalu and all the other replies , it is so helpful to get other perspectives. When I was younger it was just that I never met anyone who was good father material, now finally I have the perfect man, at my age!. He does appreciate how much I want a baby and though he plays it down I suspect he would be thrilled if it happened, as he know it is what I want and he loves me to bits.

Money wise we are fine, and lifestyle wise, well there are absolutely no 'cons' that come close to the 'pros'. Wish me luck!

Thanks all Axx