How can I involve him more? Sorry its long!

[flexilexi394]

Maybe this is the wrong place, but i figured there are a lot of us in tri 3 and maybe someone is experiencing similar or can give me some tips

Basically, the story goes, me and OH went through a bit of a rough patch, then i fell pregnant early may time. We werent going to good before, mainly my fault as i just felt like i needed lots of nights out etc, so thats exactly what i did which really upset OH.

Found out i was pregnant, and decided we could do it. I felt like shit up until about 20 weeks. OH started his own business in august so i was like 3 or 4 months by then, and i genuinely didnt want to bother him with my probs so i didnt - i helped as much as i could with getting business set up etc. So my pregnancy got pushed aside for a while.

Since then, he hasnt really been overly enthusiastic about anything in the pregnancy - until the other night we had a bit of an emotional argument (triggered by a vicious work collegue of mine as some of you know) so i told OH about this boy being nasty to me etc, and it really upset my OH that i was spoken to like that and my baby was mentioned by this boy in the nastiest way possible.

Dont know how it got to this point but OH basically got very upset and started having doubts about this pregnancy, and he admitted to me that he feels like its all going to go tits up and hes really scared of that happening, and that he doesnt really feel "involved".

I know thats my fault because part of me doesnt want to bother him as hes got this business to do etc and i felt like if i kept everything from him id be less of an inconvenience to him and everything would turn out ok.

But as we approach 30 weeks im paniking as OH hasnt bonded much with pregnancy, and i really am stuck as to what to do. I place his hand on my tummy so he can feel etc, but he doesnt say much and i say "thats your daughter" and he didnt say anything!

I have realised we need to do more together with this whole thing, and im actually stuck. I want him to kiss my tummy every now and then but he doesnt do that sort of thing willingly, and i just wish he would. Part of me is worrying that hes going to be like this when baby is born, and that scares me.

Sorry its long and a HUGE well done if youve managed to read all of it. x

 

[Lacey's Mummy]

Tim didn't seem very interested during my pregnancy but he's a fantastic dad now!! He used to put his hand on my bump but that was it, he never spoke to my bump or kissed it but he felt awkward with that sort of thing!
Maybe suggest going shopping with your OH and getting him to pick some baby stuff! I'm sure once your babies born, he'll be fantastic x x

 

[kiki]

My partner wasn't that interested in my oppinion (he thinks differently) about my first pregnancy. Allthough at that point we had been trying for a baby for a few years (and had 2 MC's) and I used to get really upset about it quite often. But it all changed as soon as our son was born and now I couldn't wish for a better dad for him. So try and not get stressed about it, I just think that its not really reall for them before they have the baby in their arms.

 

[kellylou]

My OH doesn't seem that interested most of the time, the most interested he was, was when he got to do the nursery. He has no interest in feeling my tummy when baby moves and when I show him he just isnt interested I wish he was more hands on and showed more interest but he doesn't, he is stressed with work and I have asked him if he is scared of the baby coming and he is adament he isnt but I think he must be x
Hope u can talk and get it sorted x

 

[soozy]

Honestly dont worry about it hun! Most guys are the same. They secretly worry about how your all gonna cope and how much your lifes will change and whether or not they wil be a good dad and if they can provide the little one with everything. Them feeling your tummy doesn't do much for them cos they dont feel it like we do and it still doesnt feel real to them. My oh was the exact same and even is with this baby too, he worries about everything and i felt scared first time round cos i was so worried he would leave me when i had the baby but as soon as her seen her i seen all the doubt and worry vanish from his eyes lol. Men just dont have the maternal instinct we have and i wish they did to be honest as it would save us a lot of grief! Im not saying its gonna be easy adjusting to having a baby but i know for a fact as soon as he sees her all your worries about him will go straight out the window!

 

[sexyamy2005]

Craigs the same, he will (when i shove his hand on my belly) feel it n say its weird... im like babe thats ur child!! lol

but he has been good when it comes to clothes shoppin, i obviously have rubbed off on him cos he has more clothes than me and the baby put together!!

but i completly know what u mean, has he been to the scans and any appts with u?

craig came to 12 &20 wk scans, we then had a 30wk private 4d scan which was fab, n did make him a bit closer, but not much, but couldnt come to the consultant appt, n cant come next week cos of work, even tho i booked it at a time i knew he didnt have kids to teach (hes a PE teacher so picked lunchtime) & he has known about it for the last 17weeks... and im going on my own

he knows its been upsetting me, cos i just keep randomly bursting into tears this last few weeks, but he keeps saying because baby is in u, i cant really n dont kno how to bond with it, i think like the other mums has said when babys here will be totally different, im really hoping so anyway!!

have u picked a name 4 ur little girl yet? how was /is he with gettin involved with that?

xxx

 

[JJ Mum]

Lexi , really don't worry, once baby is here safely, he will melt ! I will tell you about my pregnancy so you can see it's not just your OH -

My OH has been made to put his hand on my belly about 4 times by me, but he hates it, like alien, really finds it horrible that it's in my body! He is always like that

He had no opinion when I offered him to choose the first babygrow outfit for the baby bag from two, he really didn't care and told me to choose!

He has only told his boss and one other co-worker at his night job! He told his mum like 6 weeks ago!

BUT - when baby is here, is is your usual typical bloke, but he will melt and go all goooey and be a good dad, nothing can really explain that look on a new dads face when they hold baby!!! I'm always sick on his hands (when he holds the bowl to me), at the birth/op! and he doesn't mind pushing pushchairs, carring baby bags, buying sanitary l or breast pads, doesn't mind, some do!

Your bloke can't see it, he sounds like he is having an oh my god near 30 weeks panic moment too, prob more fear as he has less run up. do all your baby stuff together if you can from here. Go to mothercare together, even if you don't need anything as your so prepared. show him your bags, help his choose snacks for him when your in labour, put him in charge of car park money, get him to write a phone list for his family etc, share the panic together, and you will both be fine. JJ

 

[Esoames]

My DH wasn't interested until I had a bump and we'd been to the 4d scan. When he saw she had a face he was amazed. Also once he could see my bump moving that helped.

But once she was born, as I had a section he had to look after her while they put me back together. He wrote in her journal about the birth story and it's so sweet. He's smitten by her. We've spent ten days looking at her.

Don't worry to much it's a different feeling for us as we know baby is there from such an early stage that we are emotionally attached so much sooner

Emma x

 

[flexilexi394]

You've all made me feel so much better. I'm so glad mines not the only one!

He has been to all scans and appointments pretty much, just missed a fee midwife ones because of work (he runs his own business so fully understandable). As far as name choosing goes, we haven't actually sat down and looked so maybe we should do that.

In a wierd way, I miss him. Pregnancy does turn your world upside down doesnt it?! I just feel I'm keeping this baby from him a little too much and really need to learn how to say to him "your daughter is playing football as we speak" and things like that. It's real wierd how different I feel I've become, if not more mature.

Thanks girls, I finish work at 2 today so going to snatch that opportunity to see I he wants to spend some time with just me.

I've found he's with one particular mate more than he's with me, and he's more worried about what he's doing than me sometimes. Maybe he is like his soul mate or something, I'm guessing they talk a lot about things! Which is good as I guess he's at least got someone to confide in if he really needs it. X

 

[emmaandamyleigh]

dont worry about it ost guys are like that. there sometimes scared to show emotions my oh is exactually the same he not really showed anything when i found out i was pregnant with amy. he has started to a bit know i think llol

 

[megsmeadow]

I think it's so difficult for our blokes to imagine what is going on inside us and it's probably a bit too much for them! I had to ask for OH's hand when Ross was doing his summersaults and OH did love feeling him. But they don't have the constant kicks and symptoms and reminders that we have during pregnancy. I think we have that constant awareness of the baby but naturally they miss out on that, and because men are very visual it's more difficult for them to imagine how life might be different. I think they must get sick of baby chat all the time when to them nothing has really changed yet.
I think every man would melt at the birth of their baby, they wouldn't be human if they didn't in some way.

 

[flexilexi394]

I'm really looking forward to her arriving so he can experience that as I'm a little worried about it to be honest. I guess I also want him to tell me about worries he has, as it all comes out when the pressure builds and he explodes! Just need him to talk to me and tell me if he wants to do more with things etc. We got some decorating to do which he enjoys so doing that together is probably going to be fun can't wait to be organised and be able to sit down and say "we did it". X

 

[emma_85]

Oh hun, what a sad tale ((hugs))

I am by no means an expert on relationships, but let me just say this: involve him, like he wants by firstly being honest with him about how you feel. Men respect that.

My husband hasn't yet kissed my tummy either - but I'm not upset about it. Like you, I grab his hand when I can feel him kicking or moving and he sits there and doesn't say much. It's not because he doesn't care or love our baby. I think often men don't know what to say!

I wouldn't keep your feelings bottled up though. A nice gesture may be to book a table and have a meal, where you can have a conversation that will not turn into any kind of arguement, due to the social atmosphere. It may be a good way for you BOTH to air your thoughts and start bonding as a couple again.

It'll work out hun, you'll see ((hugs)) x x x

 

[LittleL]

your not the only one!!! my boyfriend wont just hold bump or talk to it like i would love him to do.. i have to place his hand on my belly and he just sortof smiles, says nothing and thats it... it hurt me and fustrated me alot at first but i've got use to him now!!

the thing that makes it harder for me is my bf has two other young boys from a previous relationship and we have them every weekend but its hard to see him playing with them and showing so much attention towards them and when there not with us, he talks about them constintly and if i mention baby, he doesnt really say anything and i feel like 'well what about our girl'? i know she isnt born yet but i often worry that when she does arrive that he still wont show her much affection as his two boys.. i know its silly and he always tells me that non of the kids will be treated any differently but when he doesnt show bump much attention or not willing to talk about her much, it does bring me down often.. just wish he would bond more with her...

xx

 

[mikid]

Hey lexi, im sure like the other girls have said he will turn a complete corner when your little girl arrives.

In terms of things you can do before then to help him bond with bump, i gave my husband the nightly job of oiling my bump and our lo goes crazy when he does which is nice and that always leads ihim into a bump kiss or a little word from daddy! You could try getting him to read out load to bump which will help your lo get used to his voice more... Jst a couple of things we do ::

Hope u feel better soon

 

[Amanda W]

Lexi you to know the deal with me as regarding our fellas and our pregnancys

*he hasnt really been overly enthusiastic about anything in the pregnancy*-Mine is still being odd he wont come baby shopping with me at all so luckly my mum and friends will do that with me although to be honest i want him there because he should be.

He will put his hand on my tum every now and then and says yeah and removes which does get me upset at times and sometimes he will giggle because he can see baby going mental

in a sense i give up now trying to get him involved what he dosent understand is that he has kids so hes been through this all before where as i havent x