help and advice much needed ladies ?

[laura dec 1988]

hello everyone,

As you can probs see im new to this site. I've just posted a similar new post in a different area then come across this area for single parents.

Well im 21 and 17 weeks pregnant with my first baby and over the moon now i've got over the shock ect ect lol. Anyway without playing th sob story
my pregnancy up until press has been awful. My partner of 2 years walked out when i told him i was preganant, beause i wouldn't have an abortion. We both have good secure jobs a nice house together, good family support and friends and lived a general nice life. He decided he wasn't ready and to sum it up the way he treated me was disgusting. He left and as the tenancy was up on our house, u found a place of my own were i'm now really happy on my own with my growing bump

The problem is the babys dad. He is constantly messing me about and he has so far ruined my pregnancy. He spent the first 11 weeks callin me all sorts of names, giving me abuse and accusin me of all sorts of things, anything but accepting the fact that he's gunna be a dad. He couldn't make my 12 week scan but eventually seemed he was coming round when he saw the pic of the baby! A week later he was back to his normal self been nasty tellin me he dont want nothing to so with our baby and will not be payin for the baby. I then told him still he could come to the miswife to listen to bubba's heartbeat...he slept in missed the app and shouted at me for havin a go at him!!

Then he came to my house b4 xmas...and basically spent half an hour screamin at me for ruining his life and keepin the baby.....stormed out and
told me to never contact him again and he will forget me and the baby. I dont want to be with him anymore at all, but my baby deserves a dad!!
Do u agree??....or shall i do it on my own...i know i can do this and im gunna
be a good mummy to my bubba, but do i leave him alone or do i give him chances?

Im really confused and i just want whats best for my baby...but dont know if that's gunna be with mummy and daddy, not together as a couple but still been parents...is it just shock of it all, or at 17 weeks has he had enought time?

any help and advice is much appriciated ladies...sorry its a long post haha

looking foward to hearing from you

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

Hello Sorry to hear about all the crap you are having from this chap; if anything at all he should support you in any way at all - especially financially, it takes two to make a baby and he is just shirking his responsibility; he doesnt sound like much of a man to me, sorry to be blunt.
Im not sure what else to suggest except the CSA? Perhaps if you mentioned this to him he might look at things differently.
Good luck

 

[laura dec 1988]

hey dont worry about the bluntness he is a prat.lol. Yeah my mum and a few others have mentioned the csa as well, i really didn't want it to go down that route...but it may be the only option. I've kinda got use to the fact that i'll be a single mum, and its not so much the money its the principle of it as well

Do u know if i went to the csa does that automatically give him visiting right of our baby? i know in a way he is entitled to this, but its just because of the way things are and the way he is, i know he will just turn nasty and wont stick to arrangements and things!!

thanks
Laura

 

[Mervs Mum]

The CSA have nothing to do with access arrangements. Even if he never claps eyes on the baby, he's still responsible for it's financial support. You need to try to come to an arrangement between yourselves in the first instance

 

[laura dec 1988]

easy said than done hun with him. i've tried and tried....i even wrote him a letter just to say basically we need to be strong solid parents even if were apart.

Im fightin a lost battle with him at the mo...i suppose iv still got time left to see if he comes around but then i think why should i wait around for him to decide if he wants to be a father to his baby or not!!

thanks for your advice so far

 

[xoxsarahxox]

i feel like i am you! i have a 2 year old boy me and his dad split up when he was 2 years old and since then he has not took and interest in him wot so ever. when we first split he saw him weekly on set days and had him over night then eventually it just stopped. next thing you no i hav a letter off his solicitor sayin that i am demanding to much off him and it is not possible for him to see our soon as often as i was apparantly demanding due to his work commitments. and to that i add he works 4 days a week, and was seeing our son 2 days a week.....but his argument was he is only 22 and needs a social life on his days off work. i have had many phone calls off him givin me abuse and tellin me i ruined his life the day i sed i was pregnant. as he works for his mum and dads business they lie about how much he earns so wen i got in touh with the csa to sort out maintanance they sed he has to pay £5 a week going on the wage slips he provided although i no what he really earns and he should be paying 35. but i cant proove it so i just put up with him contributing to a pack of nappies a week. now he has no contact with our soon on many occasions ihave tried to get him to come see him but he is always 'busy' he never saw him for xmas and on his birthday he turned up at my house with 2 17 year old mates of his stoned at 11 at night expecting to see him. so for me i think that time has came where i do need to give up cause i am also fighting a loosing battle and i no he is never going to grow up, it has took me a year to realise this but i now also realise that my son may not have a real dad in his life but it really is a better life for him that way. it has caused me a lot of guilt and upset over the last year, and i sit here sometimes thinkin about wen my boy gets older and he asks y he dusnt see his dad and the honest anser wud be because he didnt want to see you, and i dont want to have to say that to him but i am also not goin to sit here every day ringin his dad and begging him to come see him. sorry for long reply draged on abit longer than i thurt lol x

 

[hollyes]

Hello again. Sorry to hear about your situation especially with all that's going on. Was in this boat with my son now 12, his dad decided he'd changed his mind when I was 19 weeks. Didn't see him for the rest of the pregnancy and he even tried to deny paternity! But he came round in the end enough to put his name on the birth certificate but we didn't see him very often. I've always tried to maintain contact and never said all the things he deserves within my sons earshot, but plenty out of it!

My son hasn't suffered from not having him around too much and has made his own mind up about him now seeing as he's scared him a couple of times- he left him in a locked car in a supermarket carpark once for almost 2 hours cos he ran into a friend after saying he was only popping in quick and decided to go for coffee! He sees him occasionally but isn't too worried if he doesn't.

The most important thing has been to provide him with plenty of other positive male role models, I had a couple of male friends who have been fantastic for him and my brotherinlaw spends loads of time with him and I'm now married to someone my son really adores and appreciates for being a good dad.

I know this will probably be controversial but although it was hard on my own, I did have times listening to other mums at baby group complaining about useless partners or struggling to balance demands of baby and OH and felt glad it was just me and baby and I could give him all my attention and make all my own decisions. We're very close because of it even if my mum says we argue like siblings sometimes!
It will all work out ok, I've known many other single mums and the dads have all come round in the end. Developing a good support network for you will help no end, you have family close by?
Again, good luck and anything I can help with, ask.

 

[hollyes]

Hello. Had another thought while lying awake in middle of night! Do you have contact with his parents? At the end of the day they are about to become grandparents too and could be a source of support? Could be worth getting in touch and just letting them know that you respect their rights as grandparents to be involved with baby whatever happens with dad. Then you would know you'd done all to try and keep his side of family in touch for babys sake, they could come through for you and maybe put a few words in his direction! Anyway, just a thought, didn't work in my case, paternal grandmother was complete battleaxe and from the start said she would acknowledge him in her will but she never wanted to meet him, though she softened a little towards the end and met him twice. Goo d luck!

 

[JJ Mum]

Laura - I am sorry your going through this at what should be a really happy time.
I have not ever been in this situation to know how it feels, but maybee best to leave him be and carry on as you are planning on your own for your baby. Keep him informed by text etc so he has the chances to be involved and nothing more. Then you are leaving his choices fully to him and not trying to sway him either way.

Holles - great idea about inviting the other grand parents to be involved

That way you are are making as normal a life as can be for your child and if when you ex OH grows up a bit and sorts him self out - wants to be a part of it, all links are there ready.

Money wise I guess it may have to go through the CSA but then you don't have to do the chasing, won't get late payments and be let down as my friend gets with her ex. When your a singl,e mum you will need the money on time and as planned to pay the bills.

There is lots of help out there for single mums for childcare when you go back to work after.

Wishing you all the best X JJ

 

[serenitylove]

from already having a child with a crappy dad my advice is dont bother contacting him until baby is here send him a pic then leave it up to him to contact you

 

[DonSelf]

I do recommend that you focus on youself now. This is great time for you and there's no need for extra headace. Once you're all settled with the baby, reconsider, but till then - focus on YOURSELF!

Take care!!