Has anyone been in this position after stillbirth?

[xxsammyxx]

I had to give to my little girl a week ago at 24 weeks, her funeral was last Friday. Mentally, I don't feel ready to go back to work. On the outside i'm trying to put on a brave face but I feel so cheated at her being taken away.

My dad died 10 weeks ago as well and the pressure of all the losses is making my head spin. I am still having some pains, I suppose its my body trying to return back to normal and the blood loss has not stopped yet.

My work are very supportive and have been great throughout this but now i'm faced with a problem. I received a letter from the Government saying I qualified for maternity leave now (16 weeks here in Holland) as she was classed as a stillbirth and not a miscarriage. I don't think work are aware of this and are expecting me back in a week or so or something.

My colleagues are emailing me to say that they hope to see me at the beginning of February (I dont know if they are fishing to find out when i'm coming back or they all think I will be well enough to be back by then?)

OH thinks I shouldn't take the p*ss but should take another week off but I already feel cheated out of not having my baby. I have gone through child birth and all the pain, lost my little girl and now I think I deserve to at least take some time out... I have given birth like anyone else, the only difference is I don't have my baby anymore, I feel I deserve maternity leave considering the circumstances. We would like to try for IVF again as soon as we are ready and of course there are a lot of appointments, this would give me time to be able to relax and try again for a baby (not that ANYTHING will replace my little girl) as i'm 38 now and not got an awful lot of time left.

My question is... what are your thoughts? Do you think I should return back to work? Should I take the entitlement I am being offered? Is there anyone that has been in the same position and taken maternity leave?

 

[tiaflame]

well first of all i am so sorry for your loss. i think you should take as much time as you need and dont worry what others think and only return when you feel ready yourself and dont get pushed into anything. if you are entitled to something... take it. big hugs xx

 

[Piglet10]

take what you are entitled to if you feel you need it. some people prob think they would want to move on but its your little girl and at the end of the day if you go back before your ready you will go into meltdown. IVF is a hard enough process so if you need time to prepare for that too just take it. as hard as this is for your husband and no disrespect to either of you but i feel its got to be harder on you and your body as you carried her ... men can only bond when theyre in their arms ... so just take the time you need xxx

 

[Mervs Mum]

Hi Sammy

You should absolutely take your maternity entitlement. You havent had a miscarriage. You have given birth and your baby has died - sorry to put it bluntly. If this were a case of cot death a week or so after your baby was born, your maternity leave wouldnt suddenly end.

You need to recover physically and emotionally. Your OH is being unreasonable thinking a week will be enough. I think he probably wants to get back to normal for himself and thinks this will help you both move on.

If you return in a week before you have had time to come to terms with everything, you might function for a while but you might also end up having a massive breakdown at a later date and end up off work long term.

Take the time. You will need it.

 

[Rowesb]

you could book what ur entitled too, and if u feel ready half was through to go back to work arrange to do it that way...

 

[titch]

I dont see anything wrong in you taking your maternity leave, you're not taking the piss at all. You have given birth, your body hasnt recovered yet, let alone your grief. I would email your boss and say that you intend to take maternity leave. Like Mervs Mum said, if you lost your little girl a few days after the birth noone would expect you back at work. Thinking of you hun, take care of yourself. xxx

 

[FebMum2Be]

I agree Sammy, I don't think you could put a time of when you wil feel able to go back to work.. You have been through childbirth, and also an operation to remove the placenta etc.. So you have been through surgery too.. I think you should take all the time you need to heal physically and emotionally x

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

If you are entitled to it - take it. Dont let anyone tell you that you are ready; have you considered counselling or something similar? - as I think there would be a professional out there who would sign you off work either way. Only you will know when you are ready. Take care of yourself

 

[rakrak]

hi sammy. just focus on yourself and don't worry about work. at the end of the day you need the time to heal emotionally and physically - the last couple of months have been very tough! rushing back to please others won't help you. take care and we're all here if you need us xxx

 

[emmaandamyleigh]

hi there i read your story on the other thread you did ihad a still birth whe i was 17 im 24 now i was full term when i had him. i didnt know i was pregnant at all didnt grow a bump or anything so i went to the hospital with pains in my stomach didnt think anything of it apart from i thought it was my appendixs but it turned out i was pregnant and full term but he sadly died i had to give birth naturally i was working at the time i was a stable hand, i was in complete shock about it all. as unreasonable my boss was at the time he didnt belive me and sed if i didnt go in id be sacked i couldnt afford to loose my job so i went in for weeks after i was completly unaware on how i should feel i was upset and down and felt i was betrayed because i didnt know i was pregnant i was told exactally the same as you that i could take marternity leave so i took what i could first few weeks i was upset angry and finding it hard to come to terms with everything with the help from the doctor i got myself on the mend although it took me longer than the weeks you get for marternity leave i eventually got round it i started talking more openly to people.

it takes longer to recover mentally and emtionally to go what your going thru so id take the time youve been offered to sort yourself out and speak to different people if you need to and also to look after yourself aswell have plenty of rest i know it might not sound very good but even treat yourself to a health spa session or something to make you relax. it is hard but with plenty of people around and friends on here to talk too wholl help you through it.

if you want to chat im always signed on here. were here to help you. your in my thoughts xx

 

[Mamafy]

Nothing to add than hasn't already been said but just wanted to add that I hope you're ok

 

[evie_smith]

 

[Toonlass]

Take your maternity leave hun, your entitled to it and shouldn't be frowned upon for taking it. You can always go back to work before your leave is up if you feel ready xx

 

[Loobie99]

You poor thing.....

Please take all the time you need. I am recovering from a serious ilness, and am still at home having been off for the ast 18 months. My work thought i would be back last year, and so did i. but emotionally it just hit me like a bolt out of the blue everything i had just been through, just when i thought i'd dealt with it, and i needed to take more time out. I am the same age as you, and on top of everything i lost my baby at 12 weeks, just before i became ill. I am only now (18 months later) THINKING about going back slowly........

I also will be having IVF at the end of the year, and as someone else pointed out, that too CAN be a very emotional journey...

Good luck, and be kind to YOU at the moment........

 

[megsmeadow]

Sammy just as everyone else has said, take the time!! You don't have to use the whole entitlement if you don't want to but use what you need, and only you can decide what you need! You have been through a life changing time and grief on it's own can take a long time, nevermind two losses and the physical recovery. You are entitled for a reason!!!

 

[diddydons]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl 2 years ago on Sunday coming and I was 24 weeks and 2 days.......
It states on all websites that I was still entitled to SMP if I had a stillbirth after 24 weeks.....but it had to be the 15th week before your due date on some sites which meant I was 4 days away from the 15th week.....its confusing...but something like that....so I had to take the matter further and seek legal advice because I was infact entitled to it......eventually they gave in and I got it.....
I actually took 6 months out of work.....I think I needed it because I needed to get her due date out of the way 1st and that was nearly 4 months after I had her....
Its your choice what you decide to do babe.....it depends how you feel. Msg me if you ever need to talk. I understand and know your pain x x