need some advice UPDATED

[trixipaws]

i am most fortunate in that i have never suffered a m/c nor have i lost a loved one so really i have no real concept of how it feels. i try to understand but i dont kno what the best things to say (and not to say) are.

i have a friend at work (not the type of work-friend ill see out of work iykwim but i'd spend lunches and breaks with her and have been out after work couple times with her and another work-friend whom i DO see out of work)
we were both pregnant late 2006 & early 2007, she had her baby girl in march. but sadly she was not very well and she died when she was 5 months old.

well, my team leader emailed me today asking how i am etc but also when im back in work and about going part-time etc and i realised- im back in on february 11th which is only a few weeks away now.

im really dreading seeing this girl because i just wont kno how to face her- ill be "the one back of maternity after 9 months" everyone will be making a fuss of me and asking about my beautiful baby girl which of course i revel in it except for that ill feel uncomfortable because i cant imagine how she'll feel seeing me when shes lost hers, you know?

i just want to know how is best to act with her, whats the best thing to say and what should i definately not say? if u were in her shoes and u faced me what would make the situation the least painful. i kno as u can empathise u can give me the best advice on this one.

thanks in advance

 

[tuck]

when my friend lost her son at 14 months old she said that the one of the things she found difficult was people were 'scared' to talk to her or even mention her son. could you not pop into work one day with your littlun before you return to work properly and that way everyone will have a chance to see the baby and ask all the 'mummy' questions, you could tell your teamleader you're coming in and for her to let everyone know, also maybe your teamleader could advise you on how your friend is doing and if she's aware you're due back soon.
I hope that it isnt too awkward for you.

 

[Sally+Baby]

It's a difficult situation to be in. I'm so sorry she lost her baby

Maybe when you get a moment, you could take her to one side (discreetly) and just say you've been thinking of her, and tell her to let you know if she gets upset at anytime? Iykwim..

Your little girl is so beautiful

 

[Squiglet]

Tucks right.. the worst part about loosing someone you love is that people are afraid to talk to you about it. They want to sweep it all under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, mainly because the subject is so painful and as everyone is mortal, can easily happen to any one of us at any time... that's scary.

When you meet this woman, be kind to her, hug her, tell her how sorry you felt for her, be honest in the fact that you don't know how to approach her, but that if she wants to talk with you she can, even ask if she has some fotos of her little one. Just because your baby died doesn't mean that you don't think they still looked beautiful, and want to show people how wonderful they were.

Most people think it's morbid... but it's not... and most people won't ask you if you have a picture of someone who has passed. But we all do. It helps us remember.

 

[tracey 2]

i dont think i can add much more to what the girls have put down,

please send all my love to your friend and i hope the new year is gentle on her, just letting her know you are there if she ever wants to talk always helps even though like you say you cant understand how she is feeling just someone to listen and hugs is great.

please let us know how it all goes hun, and i wish you all a lovely new year

 

[Urchin]

I agree with what the girls have said.
My friend who lost her son at 6 months said the same thing to me many times... don't avoid the conversation, maybe even initiate it if you feel confident enough too. She will really appreciate you making the effort.

My friends love talking about Aflie, will gladly show off photos and talk about him, how his hair always used to stick up, what his favorite toy was etc.
I think its a good idea to pop into work soon and let the other people ask the baby questions and make a fuss while you're not working.

 

[Steelgoddess]

I cant imagine how awful that must be but also agree with the others, if u see her just smile it can be hard knowing what to say but i think the best thing is ppl just want to be treated normal

xx

 

[trixipaws]

thanks for ur help ladies, i will try my best to take ur advice altho tbh its gonna be a massive challenge to my courage. wish me luck!

 

[nanna66]

I lost 4 babies,, one of them was 19 weeks pregnant and I had to give birth. The thing that hurt me most of all, was when people crossed the road to avoid me. When people did speak to me, yes, I would cry, but I always assured them that I was grateful to them for acknowledging my loss. I do understand we are different when suffering like this...when my mum died, I only wanted to talk about it at the times I knew i could do it without breaking down. We deal with our emotions differently, and at different levels throughout our lives.

So, I think the right thing to do would be 1) Acknowledge her loss, and 2) reassure her that if she wants to talk about it, you are there to listen to her

And having been on both sides, the loss and the delight of giving birth, you shouldn't feel guilty about having your child.

Good Luck x

 

[Steelgoddess]

I lost 4 babies,, one of them was 19 weeks pregnant and I had to give birth. The thing that hurt me most of all, was when people crossed the road to avoid me. When people did speak to me, yes, I would cry, but I always assured them that I was grateful to them for acknowledging my loss. I do understand we are different when suffering like this...when my mum died, I only wanted to talk about it at the times I knew i could do it without breaking down. We deal with our emotions differently, and at different levels throughout our lives.

So, I think the right thing to do would be 1) Acknowledge her loss, and 2) reassure her that if she wants to talk about it, you are there to listen to her

And having been on both sides, the loss and the delight of giving birth, you shouldn't feel guilty about having your child.

Good Luck x

Thats fab advice...Im sorry for you losses...

x

 

[trixipaws]

well i just found out she's expecting another baby girl in may! i imagine it'll be a little easier for me to face her? thanks for all your advice everyone

 

[Steelgoddess]

Thats brilliant! every cloud has a silver lining

xx