I went back and read through my pregnancy journal earlier this week (well I didn't read all of it...I got a bit bored of myself!) and it's so weird because as I read it, I could remember exactly how I was feeling at each and every time I posted something new, especially in the later stages. How my life has changed in 12 short weeks. The things I previously stressed myself out over and previously thought were so important, are now completely insignificant. In a way I feel silly for allowing those things to make me feel the way they did. Work for example, the way I used to feel some days; going into work and dealing with crippling anxiety and panic attacks. The people I worked with who I entrusted to give me a comfortable working environment and the people themselves, some whom I really confided and put trust in and who in turn really let me down. I used to think work was the bee all and end all to life. I was so miserable and unhappy. I was in such a rut and didn't know how to get out of it.
When I fell pregnant everything changed. I still worried, but for a whole load of new reasons, how would my pregnancy be? Would I be sick? What about the scans? What if the baby is poorly? What about the labour? And then when I had Brooke the worry went up a notch but instead of feeling like I couldn't deal with it or feeling out of control, I found myself manning up. I had to get this right, I had to get on with it. And it has since come so easy to me. I find myself thinking I wouldn't put up with half the things I did before, I now know I wouldn't have the tolerance for it and I almost feel like I was a fool before for letting people treat me the way they did when I was so vulnerable. I feel strong since having a baby, like no matter what life throws at me now I'd be ready for it. And even if I fucked it up first time round, I wouldn't feel like it was the end of the world, I would brush it off and have another go. This is want I want to teach Brooke. It's OK if you don't get it right the first time, learn from it, shake it off and give it another try. I've got a lot of things wrong in my life, wasted a lot of time on people and jobs and bullshit relationships trying to make things better. The one thing I know I won't get wrong is being a Mummy. It means the absolute world to me to be Brooke's Mum. To have this almighty responsibility to show her and guide her. I know I will never face a bigger challenge in my life then raising my child so whatever is round the corner for me, I now know I can deal with x
