Friend acting weird - jealous?

[Rubydoo]

I'm 37 and my best mate has been as close as a sister since school, until 3 years ago I didn't want kids, I'm the person who will move seats in a pub if one is in there screaming and will avoid supermarket aisles if there is one kicking off!

My friend has also said she doesn't want them but is a much more naturally maternal person than me, she spends hours each week with her niece & nephew and I've always suspected that secretly she does want them but her husband LOATHES them.

Anyway, 3 years ago my body clock gave me a massive kick combined with being with the most wonderful man and I changed my mind, stopped taking the pill and it's taken this long for my first pregnancy.

I told my friend 3 days ago and although she congratulated me it was very strained then last night we went for a meal and she never mentioned my pregnancy unless I did and was visibly pissed off that my husband wants me to pack our badminton in even though she knew I had some spotting the other day and said that she's losing her friend.

It's really unlike her and to be honest I'm half cross and half upset, I'm wondering if it's jealousy, I know she's unhappy in her marriage but we're 37 and I didn't expect her to act like a petulant teenager.

I really don't want to lose her as a friend but surely she should understand that things will change and if it were the other way around I'd be pleased for her and asking her tons of questions.

Sorry for the long post but I wondered if anyone has had a similar thing and how they dealt with it? Do I just wait it out or should I ask her outright and reassure her or do I tell her she's hurt my feelings?

 

[VikkiR]

She is probably really happy for you but people dislike change, especially the older we get. It's also hard to see someone so obviously happy when our own personal lives are empty/sad/boring. Motherhood changes us whether we want it to or not and she may be afraid of losing what she knows as your friendship as it will probably evolve. Maybe she feels she's missing out, or thought that someday you could both share the pregnancy journey together, it could be your pregnancy has thrown up her maternal feelings she's had the ability to hide for so long. As an older mum myself (41) I can see both sides. It would be sad to lose a good friendship over it though. It is so hard to be around someone who's pregnant or who has babies if that's the one thing that eludes you. I feel bad for both of you and hope you can work it out x

 

[mumsy4]

Yeah my friend!! I told her I was pregnant over text and she ignored me for a week even though I tried calling and texting some more. When she eventually rang me back she spoke about everything other then my pregnancy. It was only when I brought it up she was like "ooh yeah your pregnant". I made a massive fuss of her pregnancy and her baby boy, and I think she's feeling jealous that my attention is no longer on her. Selfishness. My nephew was in hospital for ages with meningitus and she knew,and never messaged me once to ask how he was. So as far as I'm concerned we don't have a friendship. I have plenty of friends and no time for people who have no time for me xx

 

[redbear]

I know this sounds harsh and i could be so wrong but it may get worse once the baby is here

Because i personally found i have lost all my time for peoples bullshit, i dont have enough time and energy also i have enough to worry about without thinking if im giving an adult enough attention, so if she expects you to be able to drop everything for her she is in for a big shock. There will be a little adorable baby with you!

For the first few weeks or months some mums dont want to leave the baby and not for long if they do (i did but i found it wasn't the norm) so you would probably cut out badminton for a little bit anyway, plus later in the pregnancy i couldn't walk right (pelvic pain) never mind play sports (again some women are fine) so chances are you would be stopping for a while. Maybe suggest something that you can do that's not baby related but a bit gentler maybe go for tea somewhere or a nice walk in the park and a little lunch?

I honestly have lost a lot of my 'none baby' friends just because it was too much hard work pleasing them when i shouldn't have to - its easier for them to come to me or text me but i had to chase them round making them feel important when they just weren't any more- my little girl is the most important and i wouldn't stand for people making me feel like i should apologies for having my baby.
hope you work it out tho and she see's its just a change your no different! xx

 

[LouiseB]

Im thinking along the same lines as VikkiR and that it's not necessarily that she is jealous of you being happy or getting a baby, but you've introduced a huge change into her life that has been a certain way for decades.

Did you not tell her that you was ttc?

Maybe there is a sense of shock and maybe even betrayal that you have done a compete 180 on your life plan, which she was previously would have been a main feature in.

I don't think that you should be mad at her, it is you that has changed. It's understandable for her to not know how to react.

If you are really good friends then you should be able to have it out and wrestle through what is going on in both of your heads.

I think it can work if she is treated like a proper aunt, but if you start distancing yourself from her because you feel you suddenly have bigger issues to deal with than her friendship then it's not going to last.

I'm managing to maintain a friendship with someone who has kids while I do not, but I am quite maternal anyway so I think it works because she lets me be maternal and cuddle and kiss her children. If I was made to feel like I was not compatible, then I'm not sure we would still be close xx

 

[Rubydoo]

Thanks guys,

She did know we were trying and that nothing was happening, I think that neither of us thought it was going to happen and although we werent using contraceptive it's still a shock after so long, to be honest over the 3 years we haven't mentioned it much, I didn't want to keep telling people each month that nothing had happened and she never asked.

She's not a naturally spiteful person, in fact she's the kindest person I know and I suppose that's part of the reason that I'm so suprised by her reaction, or lack of.

I definitely don't plan to shut her out, if anything I'd hoped we could share a lot of it but she seems so disinterested, I'll give her time to adjust and try and suss it out more before I say anything, I'm 99% sure she does want kids herself but as I said her husband is so anti them and maybe she feels trapped in a marriage where it'll never happen but then if she leaves it'd take time to find a new guy and get to the stage where they're ready for kids and at 37 time isn't on our side.

 

[russellmuscle]

I think she might be jealous, this reminds me of when my cousin fell pregnant i was happy but jealous as my oh didnt want kids at that time and that i was more maternal than her but i was still over the moon that i was goin to be an auntie and would bring the pregnancy up..

My cousin is now kinda distancing herself from me and being quite controlling with my pregnancy tellin me what to buy and if i want to buy somethin shell say no ill give u it as if she doesnt want me having anything new its odd - i just get on with it but then im quite blunt like that xxx

 

[Lolly85x]

its not a nice situation... Iv been in a similar situation.
Could it possibly be that your friend has secretly been trying to conceive? And it's not happened?!
I do agree with the others she's maybe wondering where this leaves her, and your priorities will change. But quite rightly so.
I think your OH is right about you taking it easy, and don't do things that is too much for you and your baby just now.
It's sad losing friends over things like this... And I really do think it's just jealousy.
I had drifted apart from my friend, we had been best friends for 9years... She had boyfriend after boyfriend and only ever wanted to settle down. But scared them off... I had a steady boyfriend and bought a house and her jealousy got too much. Over Christmas she was texting me asking of I was pregnant, because I wouldn't go on a Christmas night out, and she saw on Facebook I was driving on my work night out, but I avoided answering her and she went a bit weird over text... Then early January when I had my scan I text her and told her and her reply was 'I knew it' I text her back and all she said then was 'oh well congratulations' iv hardly heard from her since... I text her to say happy birthday and I'm still waiting for a reply.. That was 6months ago... I was talking to a mutal friend about it, and she soda she was really struggling to be happy for me, because I had everything she wanted. The house, boyfriend, job and baby on the way. Quite sad when I think about it. But I'm not chasing anyone to be my friend. And if someone isn't comfortable with a pregnant friend then I woulnt push them to see me...xxx

 

[redbear]

its not a nice situation... Iv been in a similar situation.
Could it possibly be that your friend has secretly been trying to conceive? And it's not happened?!
I do agree with the others she's maybe wondering where this leaves her, and your priorities will change. But quite rightly so.
I think your OH is right about you taking it easy, and don't do things that is too much for you and your baby just now.
It's sad losing friends over things like this... And I really do think it's just jealousy.
I had drifted apart from my friend, we had been best friends for 9years... She had boyfriend after boyfriend and only ever wanted to settle down. But scared them off... I had a steady boyfriend and bought a house and her jealousy got too much. Over Christmas she was texting me asking of I was pregnant, because I wouldn't go on a Christmas night out, and she saw on Facebook I was driving on my work night out, but I avoided answering her and she went a bit weird over text... Then early January when I had my scan I text her and told her and her reply was 'I knew it' I text her back and all she said then was 'oh well congratulations' iv hardly heard from her since... I text her to say happy birthday and I'm still waiting for a reply.. That was 6months ago... I was talking to a mutal friend about it, and she soda she was really struggling to be happy for me, because I had everything she wanted. The house, boyfriend, job and baby on the way. Quite sad when I think about it. But I'm not chasing anyone to be my friend. And if someone isn't comfortable with a pregnant friend then I woulnt push them to see me...xxx

Sad isn't it when this happens you do get people who just wish it was them so get nasty with you, i honestly think pregnancy hormones dont help! But when the baby is here i dont even have time to think about myself and friends, i met some new friends at baby and toddler group and spend a lot of time with them now, i think its easier when your all new mums together xx

 

[Lolly85x]

It's horrible redbear, I could see the point if she was struggling to conceive or something... But she doesn't even have a boyfriend. Iv defo found out who my friends are while being pregnant!xxx

 

[BevG]

one of my friends went like that when i got preg, as a result i havent seen him since baby was 2 weeks old and before that it had been august last year that i saw him. even then he only came cos his parents were visiting to see baby. he poked his head in and then went again, barely spoke to me and hasnt been since even tho hes been in the area. almost years ago now he was with a mad girl who had an mc, lied about who's the baby was and was cheating on him but he still cant get over it, hes always been a dick to girls anyway but is now treating me the same, its like he realised i was a girl and he was jelous that i was preg cos he had been looking forward to his ex having his baby before it all blew up. ppl are messed up and if they cant be happy for you or deal with it then sod them

 

[saraian26]

Maybe shes jealous? And doesnt know what to do with her feelings?