Feeling raw. Rant. Sorry.

[Eryinera]

So after my 2nd MC in 3 months and 5 months of being pregnant/miscarrying/trying etc. With no baby at the end of it.. it's hard I should have a huge bump by now but instead I've got to think if I want to put myself through that again. Through Tri 1 again. It would be an easy decision If I could enter pregnancy at tri 2! And right now I honestly don't know if I can but I really really want to.

I can't think about putting myself through that again right now. I don't know why but conceiving doesn't seem to be my problem but the hearts just don't want to beat for very long.

I know I have only had two and many women on here have had a lot more than me. and I don't feel like I have a right to feel as raw as i do right now. I know I probably do have a right blah blah but I feel like I'm just not supposed to with so many worse cases out there than mine.

I try as freddy said to face life with a grin, never in and just carry on with the show. but every now and then the curtains come down between the acts and I just feel this wave of self pity and gloominess and I can't wait for someone else to say right ready for show time again? I'm sorry for this rant. I'm sorry I'm feeling this way and I'm sorry for feeling so bleeping sorry all the time.

I'm not a great writer or poet or anything like that crap I just sometimes have to say things I can't say aloud or in my normal "typing voice" if that makes sense. So.

I lie and I wait for you to arrive in this world.
A day I imagined that wouldn't be so cruel.
I think of all the cuddles I cannot give,
I think of the life you will not live,
I think of the mistakes you will not make,
And I think of the steps you will not take.
You were mine,
You are mine.
Always you will be.
My heart it aches to have known you.
My arms they long to have held you.
I wanted to have fed you, to dress you,
I had so many plans for you.
They say you were not meant to be
But you were, you were to me.
I waited for you for so long,
And I question what I did wrong.
I envy those with bumps and babes,
I shouldn't I know, but it’s you I crave.
I talk and say that I am fine,
I knew, and it wasn’t your time.
The hope it doesn’t fade.
I still wish that you could be saved.
A miracle, a fix, a cure, a mistake,
Please tell me that I am wrong!
But I know. I know that you are gone.
I sit and wait for a time I wish won’t come.
I wear a smile I try to be strong.
I just want the world to go away ,
To leave me be and for you to stay.
I love you my angel. My child.
You’re gone too soon.
You have stepped upon a path,
A path I cannot follow.
But one day at the end of my time
I will. I will find you, and hold you
And then I will know you again.

 

[Emmajaine]

Eryinera there are not enough words to express how sorry I am that you are going through this again. Am sending you huge and healing thoughts.

You have every right to feel as you do, whatever those feelings are. Allow yourself to feel them, putting on the strong face all the time is not good for you (but I completely get how hard it is to take it off). Try and be kind to yourself, do small things that help you feel better (even if it is just for a minute)

Your poem is beautiful, very well written and full of heart, I admire you for being able to express yourself so eloquently.

Although I have not been in your situation I am only a pm away if you want an ear to bend.

Xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Thanks hun. it means a lot. My oh is fuming the epu are making ,me wait so long and says I'm rubbish at saying how I'm really feeling. I understand him and his points. I can say freely on here what i'm going through but I can only cry in private in real life.

 

[Emmajaine]

I bet, my oh would be going nuts! Might it be worth playing up the pain etc to get seen sooner? Many coming your way xxx

 

[Cazzie11]

So sorry you're going through this. Had to wait 2 weeks to get scanned as well, it was really hard. When they told me that it was only the sac there, I actually felt relieved as at least I knew they'd get it out! It was also my 30th birthday party the day after I found out so had to put a brave face on! It will get better but as I said before, I don't know why they put us through it. Big hugs xx

 

[Eryinera]

Well that's the thing it should be pretty obvious it had a heartbeat. So either it still does it it doesn't. It should be simple. I mean I know the answer but I need to be sure if you get me. Plus if it is still in me I want it out. The longer it goes on without me passing it the more hope I'm getting and right now hope is the last thing i want. I don't want to build up hopes for them to be crushed. If by any chance anything could survive the blood loss I've gone though then the people can pick me up off the floor. But I know that's not going to happen. Argh the limbo its mental torture!

 

[Cazzie11]

For me, there wasn't even a heartbeat and was measuring 6 weeks when I was meant to be 12! I don't know what they expected to happen, suddenly come back to life?! I totally understand about wanting it out, I even punched myself in the stomach (I was in a really dark place at that time, I haven't admitted that to anyone until now). I did start to bleed but didn't pass anything really, it was old blood. When's you being scanned hun? Xx

 

[holly750]

I had that too. Should of been 12 weeks. Baby died at six. Gov regs mean they had to wait to scan just so be sure. Oddly enough I was torn between wanting it out, and not wanting to say goodbye. I know the baby wasn't as far on as I thought, but it was still my baby. After 7 weeks after not passing it I had the erpc. Was gutted when I woke up, knowing someone else had removed it. Very odd xx

 

[kathryn87]

xxx xxx xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Being scanned on Tuesday morning. It must be awful to find out like that at the 12 week scan. At least I have something to prepare me for the news. Oddly I have had thoughts about punching my stomach all through this pregnancy even before things went wrong. I just havnt let myself get attached after Xmas. I think that's partly playing on me blaming myself. I just need a bubble to hide in. Or something. I can't explain. Im not depressed about it at all or anything I've been there brought that t shirt and I'm nothing like that.

my aim for the day is to look more human and less like something that has crawled from the black lagoon.

 

[Cazza]

Your poem is beautiful sweetheart *hugs*

It's frustrating when YOU know and the hospital don't/can't understand. I felt that way even though I was told my bean had a heartbeat a week after being told nothing was there......it never felt right and I had that feeling of impending doom all through.

 

[Eryinera]

It really is fustrating. I've washed my hair and brushed it for like the first time in 2 weeks. I have hair again... I think a stranded bird flew out when I took the bobble out. Honestly my hair pre being washed and brushed was above my shoulders. It;s now where it should be... down by my arse. I still have problems standing on my feet my thighs don't like to hold my weight. I just need to shave off all my unwanted body hair and I will be woman not yeti once more. (I think I'll do that 2moro though or at least later tonight no more standing for me for a while) My blood loss seems to be slowing which is a good thing it's now like my AF not like my whole AF each day. I've still only seen (TMI alert) a handful of clots maybe 10 in total all really small last time i had tons but maybe that's the difference a week makes? who knows. my tummy is still hard and my boobs are still huge. (I hope the boobs stay looks like I've had a boob job I'm up 2 or 3 cup sizes!)

 

[mum2b410]

Sorry if I shouldn't b posting in here hun but been thinking of u......your poem brought a tear to my eye- v well written and great way of getting the emotion out. I can't say I understand, I can imagine, but I just want to say I care and I hope u r in a better place soon xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Thank you sweetheart. You can post anywhere you like! Im getting better each day. Tuesday will be hard and I've got to do it alone but I'm prepared. I've done it before and the relief of it being finished was a huge weight lifted so in a way I can't wait for that.

 

[mum2b410]

I'm sorry u will have to do it alone- u r a brave lady! I just hope that somewhere down the line u have a happy ending. Xxx

 

[Eryinera]

I'm slightly peeved that i have to do it alone again. Hubby has work then a meal with work then mates round. I may have to be in hospital overnight and I know he hates sleeping alone. But I may not have to be in and urgh. Don't get me started. My belly feels so tight tonight I think things may be drawing to a close. I've hardly bled today. Maybe it passed and I didn't notice. I hope so in a way. But last time the doc felt my belly to make sure it had gone soft again and mines still solid so im sure I haven't. Or at least not all of it. Urgh the waiting and guessing continues 2 days to go. In fact 60 hours to go. That sounds better.

 

[millielaura]

Oh eryinera i'm so sorry again.
Your poem is beautiful! Keep doing stuff like that if it helps, I found writing a letter to baby helped me loads when I had my m/c , sort of got everything down I wanted to say but couldn't speak, like you I don't like getting upset in front of people etc
You have every right to be feeling the way you do! Whether youve had 1,2,3,5 or even 10 m/c it is still absolutely heartbreaking when they happen! You can only compare to your experience, so yes people may have been through more but youve only got your experience to compare to and it is still devastating and you have every right to feel this way! I hope that makes sense!
It is ridiculous you have to wait so long to be scanned etc xxx

 

[Emmajaine]

I know it's not the same as physically having someone there, but I'll be thinking of you and mentally holding your hand! Xxx

 

[Eryinera]

Thanks hun. Last time I did it alone as well and having pf on my phone was a great comfort so I'll be doing the same again I think. X x x

 

[sunflower85]

I'm very sorry. I MC in July 2012 (didn't know I was pregnant before) and again December 2013 at 7 weeks and now am TTC. Basically the hospital tried to blame me as I have to fly on domestic flights weekly for my job and said that might be it.... Trying again and here's hoping, good luck to you xxx