Back for rant

[tracey 2]

Ok this may go on for a while, so i dont expect you all to read this.

I dont even know where to start firstly wanted to send loads of hugs to those who have recently lost and i havent spoken too it will get easier i promise.

Since losing chloe, my life has been turned upside down i dont even know where to start but i can say i have never ever felt so much pain its as if everyday i wake up and cant get out of bed someone is squeezing my heart so much in to a million pieces. I cant even begin to describe to anyone how much this hurting me im trying so hard to keep a smaile on my face and not crack and so far iv done so well.

I cant and i wont cry in front of anyone except at night in bed i have to have this control over everything especially my emotions and if i let them go to much im letting myself and my angels down, i know everyone will say you have to let it out and cry and just cry and i tell everyone to that but i just cant follow my own advice.

I think that after all that is happening with me and steve its not helping really but i know we will be ok its just going to take time, see i have all the right words i think i just cant put them in to practice for myself, its just so frustrating that my emotions are all still over the place yes its natural but i need to grieve and move on but my body wont allow me too.

Last week was 2 months since i lost chloe, so decided to go to cemetry to think and just talk to her, see im feeling so guilty thinking bout her and remember dates see with carrie-ann, of course i can never ever for get her but i just feel like im betraying her by thinking of chloe all the time.

You know what i would do anything if i could swap places with them and have them here and me in heaven i think i would be better off like that iv lived for many years they have not even lived at all i just wish i could do that i just want to be with them now, no i would never do anything at the moment im low but what would it achieve if i did go to them i know we will be together one day just wish it was now.

Lastly i just want to send a message to my girls,

well my darlings i hope you are behaving i know you are both looking down on us and i am always thinking of you both, i never want you to be sad if mummy is sad its not because of you both its because your not here with us, i know you had your reasons for going and mummy still doesnt know why. But all i really want to say is i love you both so so much and everyday the pain is there but the love is also there.

All my love mummy xx

Anyway i think thats enough for now dont want to send anyone to sleep, thank you for reading if you did, i dont expect replies i just needed to get some of this out.

All my love xx

 

[Krystal]

Tracey, I can't even imagine what your going through hun and won't pretend I do. I don't have any advice on how to handle things cos you know what.. everyone does things differently, we all handle grief in our own way... the only thing that can help you is time and when your grieving that thought doesn't help much either thats one thing I do know.

I don't really know what else to say but I didn't want to read and run.

Your in my thoughts

 

[mummykay]

chloe and carrie ann are part of u tracey, of course u will never forget them and they will be watchin over you everyday

lots of love and hugs

 

[Kimberly]

 

[CharlieOne]

Thinking of you, just sorry i cant find any words to say....

 

[sarah113]

 

[Sammystar]

Oh Tracey, there are no words I can think of to comfort you........

 

[A&J]

 

[happy-chick]

Wish there was something I could do to take your pain away hun thinking of you xxx

 

[Slinky Sarah]

i cant begin to even imagine what your going through...Im sure carrie-ann is looking after her little sister chloe and looking out for you too.
Take care of yourself and i hope things work out for you and your partner soon.

 

[Emma79]

Thinking of you

Take care x

 

[x Naomi x]

 

[mum&2girls]

thinking of you hun

 

[tracey 2]

thank you all so much, iv just read this all back to myself and my god it has made me cry

This has really helped me get it all out in the open a bit more there are still lots of things i could say but just cant but this has helped.

 

[Krystal]

Hi again tracey, not sure if you have already done this but have you thought about writing everything you feel down on paper? it doesn't have to be to anyone, just between you and your babies. you could even burn it straight after? just obviously you say this has helped a tiny bit and there is still more stuff you could write. maybe that would be a way to get it out a little?

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. There are no words I can offer to make it better. I hope you find some comfort in the near future.

 

[janey07]

I wish there was something i could do to take your pain away... time will make it easier is what i keep telling myself.

Just didn't want to read and run...

Jane xxxxxxx

 

[sazzleevans]

oy bird

good to see you back even if you want to rant....ranting is good. i was so sad to read your news and started to fill up when i read you had named your daughter chloe.

i know what your going through so wont offer any advice just go at your own pace, you may look back in a few months and think how crazy you have been but you have to go through this process. just dont feel guilty about going at your own pace is my only advice...oh yeah and try to cut the oh some slack, i off loaded a bit too much on mine.

sara x

 

[tracey 2]

thank you all

sweetcheeks- thank you for that i have always written letters to my daughters and either ripped them up or just put them in the post not 2 anyone but your right it does help and to be honest i havent done it for ages.

Sara- so lovely to hear from you hun, i hope all is well with you hun. Thank you for that im sorry iv not been in touch but hope to catch up one day.

Thank you to everyone really even just for a hug could really do with them

 

[puppylove]

Tracey just wanna let ya know ur in my thoughts