Family during labor

[Annelies]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant and even though I still have many days left until my due date, there is something that is really bothering me and for which I have to make a decision soon.

My mum died when I was young and I live in another country than my dad. We have a great relationship. I was planning on asking him to fly in only a couple of days after the birth, because I really want to just be alone with my partner for that moment. I'm also giving birth at a birth center, and it's not like 'the family' can wait in the lobby. You're there with your birth partner and the midwife and nobody else is allowed in. I see it as a sacred moment to share with my husband. I don't think I would have wanted my mum to be there even if she was alive.

So I was planning on giving birth, then telling him and then he can come when he wants. Two things are making me wonder:
1- the price of the last minute plane ticket
2- I can't decide between my peace and comfort for the birth and depriving him of the experience of seeing baby in the hours after the birth.

I also don't want him to stay at our small apartment in the first days and was going to suggest him staying in a hotel. I am not making a child for him, but this is a huge moment for him too. I don't want to sound selfish, but I do think that I need to put myself and my baby first in this. I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

 

[Kitana]

I wouldn't have wanted family with me during labour either, it can take hours and days and you're not at your most positive at that time either.
I had told my parents the day my daughter was born and they lived far away too, they only saw her a week or so after the birth since she was born 4 weeks early. They got a last minute ticket since they aren't that expensive, you should check Skyscanner for cheap tickets.
As for a place to stay, I wouldn't have wanted family to stay with me the first few weeks. Maybe he can stay in a hostel or a bed and breakfast in the area?x

 

[WinterWolf]

You can’t predict when you’ll go into labour so I think he’ll have to get a last minute ticket. As for staying with you, he’s been there done that so I think he’ll understand you wanting your space! My mum lives 7hrs away and stayed at a hotel when my daughter was born. I called her when I went into labour and she came up as soon as she could. x

 

[Abi88]

My parents live in another country too. I'm rather glad they won't be there for the birth. I don't think I would want them waiting outside for me and I certainly wouldn't want them in the room. It would stress me out and that's the opposite of what I want with hypnobirthing. They have actually booked to come out a few weeks before I'm due but with the baby measuring big I'm worried that it will be around the same time as my due date. I'm not thrilled about it!

 

[Annelies]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. Another relative of mine told me that I would be depriving my dad of a 'big moment' if I don't allow him to be there. So that's why I'm finding it hard to make my mind and be really firm about it. But again, it's my birth (also doing hypnobirthing!), our baby, our decision. I really feel like it's the wedding discussions all over again, where I wanted to have a small wedding and people were telling me that 'I shouldn't be so selfish and think of how a wedding day is a big day for the bride's parents too'.

 

[MissKW]

I agree, it's sacrid between yourself and your partner, and it should be a special moment between you that you can look back on and have fond memories of forever.
I know my mum wanted to be there but she understood, and my mum and mil really wanted us to tell them when I went into labour.
Hubby sent my mum a text when I was at the center and she decided to drive over right away and wait in the car park lol!
We didn't inform anybody else and instead hubby just took a picture of DS around 30mins after he was born and sent it to family.
My mum came in when I was ready (me and hubby enjoyed DS to ourselves for a good couple of hours first), so she came for a quick cuddle and then once I was cleaned up and dressed we let my mil come for a quick cuddle too.
Everybody else had to wait until we were home and settled.
I'm sure he will understand whatever you choose, but you definitely want those first moments for yourself, and those first days to get settled as that's the hardest part, adjusting to a newborn and being tired as well as healing, not to mention juggling around so many appointments in the first week which make it difficult to rest.
After a week or so you will have bonded as a family, be in a bit of a routine and you will be feeling better physically for the most part. I would just keep him included as much as you can until he does come to visit.
My dad was ill with a bug when DS was born so he didn't get to see or touch him for a good 2 weeks! But again he knew and didn't want to risk making his first grandson poorly so although he was eager he happily kept his distance until he knew he was safe to be around him. They have an amazing bond now and absolutely adore each other!