Downs

[Amanda]

I just wanted to post this that I read on another website. It is a fantastic story concerning being an older mother with the 'possibility' of problems.

You have to know the circumstances leading up to my pregnancy at 45, to be able to fully appreciate the way I felt...
I had divorced and remarried at 41 to a much younger man who had no children. Mine were fourteen and eight at the time. The deal was to try and have a biological one of our own, and if that didn’t happen after a year, we would adopt. Funny, but when I told others of my plan to adopt, they didn’t bat an eyelid; I guess it was OK to mother at an older age, but being pregnant at an older age was forbidden.
I was fortunate enough to conceive on my honeymoon, and had an uneventful pregnancy and delivery (c-section, like my previous two) resulting in a ten-pound healthy daughter. We were thrilled and, although most people agreed that it was ‘better you than me’ (as they put it – how I hate that phrase), they cut me some slack because my new husband now had his ‘own’ child.
We decided not to use any birth control to see if lightning would strike twice. I mentioned to my new obstetrician what we were trying to do. His response, and I quote: ‘At your age, we should be talking menopause, not pregnancy – don’t you agree?’ I left his office, never to return.
In the meantime my mother, who had been fighting a losing battle against Alzheimer’s, moved in with us. For almost two years until her death, we cared for her at home. I am sure the stress did nothing to help my chances of conceiving, and month after month I was disappointed each time my period showed up – although now with less regularity as peri-menopause was settling in.
We lost her in November 1999. That Christmas I took my whole brood to Disney World – it had been a long two years for us all. I had finally (almost) given up on the chance of conceiving again as I knew that without medical assistance (i.e. donor eggs, in-vitro) my chances were 0.02 percent or something.
Two weeks after getting home I still felt jet-lagged and one of my fellow teachers joked: ‘maybe you’re pregnant’. I waited another few days for my period to start, and then bought a pregnancy test. I was so self-conscious at the drugstore – after all, I was now approaching 50! Those two blue lines popped up in a nano-second; I was in shock.
Now I had to actually find an obstetrician. But not just any obstetrician – a supportive obstetrician. I called a practice where the doctor had been around for years. He remembered a time before birth control pills, when everyone had a later-in-life baby, some after menopause. Terrific. Now for the rest of the planet …
We told no one until an early ultrasound confirmed an in-utero viable fetus, and I was almost at the end of my first trimester. I should have just said to people I was gaining weight during menopause – yikes! It just amazed me that people felt they could make such rude comments to a pregnant woman. In the background, always lurking, was the unspoken ‘there will be something physically/mentally wrong with your child’. I could see it in their eyes; hear it in their tone of voice. Some actually voiced this to me, and asked if I would abort a Down’s child.
The final straw came when I got the results of my AFP, which my own obstetrician said would be way out of whack due to my age, so he was not going to pay too much attention to them. He only did the test to see about the neurological implications, and there were none, thank God. For my age, the chance of any complications was 1/33 – I’d take those odds to Vegas any day! My AFP came back 1/10; you could have heard a pin drop. Although there was still a 90 percent chance nothing was wrong with my baby, the looks on everyone’s faces said it all, from the nurse to the radiologist, even to my obstetrician.
My obstetrician said that he would not insist on an amniocentesis unless the results of an in-depth ultrasound he was going to do indicated otherwise. The radiologist freaked – he said that I was being ‘stubborn, unreasonable and possibly doing harm to my baby’ by refusing to acknowledge that something was probably very wrong. (I found out from a nurse later that the radiologist thought ‘old women’ such as myself were selfish and crazy to have children, and nature did not intend for it.) I asked this nurse what she thought. She said it would not be her choice, but that she knew why I was doing it, and she respected me for it. Why couldn’t everyone just act that way?
I was thought of as totally selfish for not ‘finding out’ if my baby was ‘perfect’ or not. I had spent most of this pregnancy not enjoying it, but defending my right to have it, and have it the way I wanted it. I finally ended up being just as rude as those who were condemning me.
Well, to paraphrase an old saying, delivering well is the best revenge and that I did! A beautiful, wild, healthy daughter, Logan Alexandria (named for an X-Men character and her father’s favourite Egyptian city). She continues to fascinate, challenge, exasperate and delight us all – and when I get those withering looks as my (older) friends/family watch me buckle up her safety belt or race off to ballet with her – as they pour yet another drink and whine for grandkids – I know that all is right with my world.

 

[Anna Marie]

Wow what a story.. brought tears to my eyes!!!
People can be so narrow minded and cruel.. what an amazing woman.

Thanks Tankett.. that has raised my spirits a bit today.. I feel as if I am lagging and my nausea has stopped so I am panicking..

 

[s]

Anna Marie,
I feel bad for putting this post up and making you think about this issue. You must try to put it out of your mind as best you can. You've had three miscarraiges which is a pretty devastating. The last thing you need is to worry about this too.
We're going to be positive that everything will be okay.
You're getting closer to that 12 week mark too.
Take care,
S

 

[s]

PS The other thing I wanted to say is that only 1 in a 1,000 women have a baby with downs each year in the UK. That's a pretty slim statistic. I don't think it's the care needed that would freak me but the thought of them being on their own and vulnerable if anything happened to me or my husband. THat would break my heart. Sorry I should say that I know that many people who have Downs are independent and live their lives pretty much as you and I do and I don't want to be patronising towards them or their families. I'm not articulating myself very well. Sorry.
S

 

[Anna Marie]

I understand exactly what you mean S... and it is not a selfish attitude. Most people probably feel the same and its natural. We want the best for our children.

Thanks for the positive thoughts.. my OH is pretty good at being positive but I am very good at being very negative.

 

[s]

In that case I hope your OH wins out
Let us know how your scan goes.
Keeping everything crossed for you,
S

 

[Anna Marie]

Thanks S, am becoming more anxious each day.

More so now that I am not nauseas any more and my temps have been dipping these past couple of days. Been trying to find Bod' heartbeat with doppler but no luck yet.

Am worried that all may not be well. Just hope I am being very paranoid.

xxx

 

[s]

I hope so too. What day is your scan next week?
S

 

[Anna Marie]

Hi S,

Scan is Wednesday 1st Feb. Having read some scary posts on another forum I am now very worried about it cos of my age etc... would be so unfair if I managed to get this far and then something else cropped up to get in Bod's way..

On a bit of a downer today.. don't feel very good so don't feel very positive

 

[s]

Oh Anna Marie,
That's terrible. My heart goes out to you. Are you working today? Can you get out for a walk or go to the shops? Anything to distract you. Now what you must do is stop reading these websites. You have to be positive. When you think of it rationally (easier said than done I know as I'm the worst too) women have babies every minute of the day around the world. It's the most natural thing in the world. It's tragic that you have suffered such loss but you have to be positive for the little bean growing inside you. You're not going to know how things are progressing until February 1st, which is only a few days away, so it's out of your control now. Try as best you can to put it out of your mind or if you think about it try to think good positive thoughts.
I've got a good feeling Anna Marie, I really do.
S

 

[Anna Marie]

Thanks so much S.

I know I have to be patient and positive but its hard. Even my OH doesn't seem to understand how anxious I am every day. I so want to be excited and start planning ahead but I feel like I can't. Something in my head is stopping me from allowing myself to be happy about it all.

Everyone we know now knows so if something does go wrong I know I will have tonnes of support but I just couldn't bear it again.

I am also just very tired .. end of the week and I need a good sleep.. out tonight for a Burns night dinner.. not going to be eating Haggis though!!.. maybe that will cheer me up.. thats if I don't fall asleep before dinner is served!!!

Yes a walk is a good idea.. right.. my dog is asleep under my desk here in the office.. a good excuse for a walk.. although nasty wet and cold out there yuk

x

 

[s]

Well you've definitely got pregnancy symptoms still if you're feeling knackered so that's good isn't it?
Anna Marie, I can't begin to understand the hurt and pain you've been through but even I'm unable to plan ahead. I put the ticker on today and thought that I was tempting fate. Until I get to the 12 week scan and hear that everything is okay I won't consider myself truly pregnant. So it's competely understandable how you feel. You mustn't feel bad about that. Try to be nice to yourself though before February 1st. Whatever you're told you'll deal with then.
S

 

[Anna Marie]

I used to think that having children would be so simple.. afer my m/c when I was in my 20's I thought no problem I would wait a while.. rather too long probably and then when we managed to conceive so soon last year I was so happy and even though I was hesitant I was feeling so confident and positive and look where that got me!!!!!

This time each week is a major milestone so it is completely understandable for you and everyone else on here to be nervous.. my specialist [who treats women with recurrent miscarriages] says that each week past 6 weeks the risk decreases by 5 - 10% and that most occurr around the 6-7 week mark but are not detected until later at scans. I was also told that the crucial weeks are 4, 8 and 10.. not sure why but thats what she said.. so you are nearly there..

I know it won't make you feel any better but when I past my 8 week point this time I felt really good.. I was nauseas as hell, spotty, sore boobs and really tired so I knew all was well!!! So please don't worry too much.. the ticker should help remind you to be happy too!!!

My OH always asks me when will I start to feel OK and confident and I always tell him the day after Bod is born and all is well with all of us!!

I will rest as much as possible this weekend [and you should too at this crucial time!] and hopefully feel refreshed and more positive by Monday!

xx

 

[s]

I'm suspecting that neither of us have done much work today
Do you mind if I ask you something. I'm going to sound neurotic as hell but we're all going through it. I started taking pregnacare at the begining of the year. I had months when I was fed up of getting my period and would miss a few days. December came and there were definitely weeks when I didn't take it as I thought it wasn't going to happen and then my period didn't arrive at the end of that month. Do you think my baby will be okay? It's on my mind because I forgot to take it again last night. I've been very good about taking it since I knew I was pregnant. I don't have a bad diet and hopefully have been getting folic acid from my food anyway. All in all it's been in my system since January!
God I feel so silly.
You know the thing that makes me laugh Anna Marie is that we think we'll never get pregnant and stress about it. The stress fun and games only really start don't they when you get pregnant. You take each day at a time.
S

 

[Eveadel]

Hi Anne Marie

I also think it might be a good idea to avoid reading to articles or looking at particular things on websites - I think it is worrying you to much.

I am also addicted to reading absolutely everything which in turn frightens the life out of me - Im now trying to read the nice things instead of the sad things.

Thinking of you xx