Downer

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by kisty2006, Mar 20, 2006.

  1. kisty2006

    kisty2006 Active Member

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    Hi,
    I thought I was getting better after my m/c 3 weeks ago but at the weekend I had my first period since loosing my little bean and been in agony with heavy bleeding. The whole thing just triggered of all the bad memories of when I had the m/c and spent most of the weekend in tears.
    I have gone back to work today and finding most of my collegues not very supportive, it's propably because they don't know what to say to me and spent the most of the morning crying in the toilets. I don't feel very helpful at work and that i'm in the way, its just knocked all the confidence out of me and feel i'm back at the begining again.

    Kirsty
     
  2. Anna Marie

    Anna Marie Well-Known Member

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    Hi Kisty,

    I have been wondering how you are.. please don't feel like you are back at square one.. you are not at all I promise.

    I remember that I thought I was coping OK and then when AF arrived it threw me off balance completely.. I had only 3 days not bleeding and then AF arrived.. I could not believe it and like you it reminded me of all the m/c pain as it was also a very heavy and painful AF. I did not go back to work when I should have as I just could not cope with people and my job is very client / public facing.. I just wanted to hide away from the world for a bit longer.

    You are not alone feeling this way.. when AF arrives it not only reminds you that you are not pregnant but yes all the pain and bleeding bring back awful memories of your lost bean.. it will be like that for a few months but it DOES get easier honestly.

    As for your colleagues.. you are right. they just won't know what to say or how to react... if you don't feel comfortable or happy there talk to your boss and take more time off.. if necessary go to your GP and get signed off work for a bit longer.. you need to do what you feel is right.. don't force yourself to face the world if you are not ready. but on the other hand keeping yourself busy may help the time pass and the healing process a bit..

    3 weeks is still very recent but it is reassuring to know that your body has healed.. I know AF is a bitch but her arriving so soon is a good sign.. it means your body is sorting itself out..

    take each day as it comes, don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself

    take care and big hugs to you xxxxxx
     
  3. kisty2006

    kisty2006 Active Member

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    Spent last night crying after my first day back at work, to make matters worse there id a guy how workes close by how has just came back from parterntity leave and eveyone is over looking at the pics of his baby.

    I HATE my body and what it's putting me through, i still have my little bump which hasn't gone yet and the pain in my belly from my period is still bad.

    I have returned to work today again in the hope of getting back to normal. It feels like every time I take one step forward I'm taking two steps back.

    Anna marie thanks for your support and hopefuly things will get easier for me like you keep promising.

    Kirsty
     
  4. Anna Marie

    Anna Marie Well-Known Member

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    Hi Kisty,

    do your work colleagues know what happened to you and why you were off? If they dont then maybe you should make them aware so they are bit more sensitive.. i know how you feel about seeing baby pics.. I too could not bear seeing babies or photos of them.. harsh but it just upset me too much. In fact it took me a while and I avoided some members of my family and some friends for months because either they were expecting or had new born babies and I was just too upset to see them.

    It really does get easier.. for me I needed something to focus on to get me through so I focused on my health.. after my m/c last August they found a polyp and cervical irregularities so I harrassed my doctors until they booked me appointments to sort it all out and it kept me focused on the future and a way to get back on track.. they said it wasn't the reason for the m/c but they cannot be sure... so as soon as I was given the all clear after some investigations and minor surgery etc I ttc again and got a BFP straight away.

    I remember thinking that I didn't want to try.. I wasn't ready etc after my m/c but each month when AF arrived I was devastated so I realised I really did want to be pregnant again .. being told I couldn't try cos of the polyp really put a spanner in the works and upset me but I got back into my fitness regime, did alot of outdoor walking and jogging and cycling to keep myself busy.. then got the all clear so was feeling much better about everything.

    IS there anything you can focus on to help you over the next few weeks? Can you book a holiday with friends / partner / family? something to look forward to?
     
  5. kisty2006

    kisty2006 Active Member

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    Hi Anna Marie,
    Thanks for you reply, you seem to be the only one.

    My collegues know what happened to me, and when I came back to work I told them to treat me as though nothing has happened. They can see i'm upset but don't know what to say to me as I seem to fly of the handle if they say the wrong thing.

    My parents are talking of taking me away for the easter weekend but no plans for any major holiday, the father of my baby didn't want to know when i became pregnant and don't see him anymore.

    I can't think of trying again because i've been through so much hurt and poked and proaded that much it's put me right off. I can't even bear touching myself.

    Kirsty
     
  6. Anna Marie

    Anna Marie Well-Known Member

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    I understand you must be feeling the double blow of losing your baby and your partner being such an arse does not help... no wonder you feel so alone. Hugs to you.

    I too used to [and still do] fly off the handle when people say insensitive things to me about my bean and its been 8 months since the m/c.. everyone always said to me "pick yourself up and get yourself together" etc I just went mad cos they just had no idea how it felt etc. My boss was oK at first then after 6 weeks he tried to fire me because I was "not cheerful and happy enough" for the office!! I went ballistic and asked him how he would have felt if it had happened to his wife.. would he be happy and cheerful all the time etc? He apologised and shut up! People just don't understand unless they can put it into a context that they can relate to.. it is like a death.. just not quite the same circs as someone we "know" but we as mums to be grieve the same as if we did "know" them.. people are still tactless about it with me now but I just walk off if I feel tears or feel angry..

    A break at Easter will do you good.. a change of scene.. its as good as a holiday...

    I understand you not wanting to try again.. please don't think that this will keep happening.. it won't... you will be a mum when you are ready too and when you feel good about yourself again you will meet Mr Right who will want the same.. don't lose hope.. you have so much to look forward to when you get past this awful phase.
     
  7. kisty2006

    kisty2006 Active Member

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    When will this awful phase pass, everywhere i seem to look i can see pregnant women and it's making me so upset and the dact i'm still hurting from my period isn't helping.

    I don't want to go back to the doc's as I don't want to be taking any more pills and don't want to be given stronger ones.

    Work is helping the time go by but my job is so boring and repetitive. I just sit at my desk and do my work without talking to anyone in case i start crying or get angry with them.
     
  8. Anna Marie

    Anna Marie Well-Known Member

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    Hi Kisty,

    I think while AF is still with you it will feel much worse physically and emotionally for you.. the constant reminder etc.

    It is great that you can go to work, each day will feel so long and boring but each day is a day gone and past what you went through.. it will seem like time is passing so slowly but in a couple more weeks you will hopefully get through the day without crying or getting angry.. there is no set time limit on this sort of pain and grief.. I just bury myself in other things and hide my pain - it is much healthier to let it out and deal with it.

    Allow yourself to feel this way.. don't worry about what others think.. your work colleagues should understand if you are upset or angry.. mine didnt but they are all men..... :evil:

    I also cried everytime I saw new born babies and pregnant women.. felt that life was so unfair and it is... but we have to deal with it somehow and it does get easier.. I just cannot tell you when... sorry :(

    take care xx
     

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