:( new here, needing support and help

[Niccy]

Hello, I'm new here so please bare with me if I've posted in the wrong section.

3 years ago I fell pregnant at 16 and miscarried at 9 weeks. I was in a very violent relationship at the time and was not in a good place. I broke the relationship off soon after the m/c.

Since then I've moved on, and became official with my current OH 2 and a half years ago. I've completed my education, have a qualification and am now on my way to starting a vet nursing apprenticeship.

I know in my heart that now is not the time to be trying for a baby, but since my m/c I find myself desperate to become a mum. Everything baby related strike a chord with me. The past week I've found myself having nightmares about it to the point I'm waking up in tears. My family were never supportive of the whole thing (they were trying to pressure me into a termination at the time) and I never had my time to grieve. I have nobody apart from my OH to talk to about it (my mum just tells me I'm being stupid, my dad think the m/c was the best thing in the world ), and although he's very good at comforting me, he doesn't know what loosing a child feels like so finds it hard to relate.

Have any of you ladies ever found a way to fill the empty space that was created after a m/c? I have had counseling and have tried every self help book I can find, nothing works. I've got to the point where I'm at a loss with what to do. I'm fed up of feeling this way, I almost feel broken

 

[tinselcat]

Hi Niccy

So sorry to hear about your m/c. It must have been a traumatic experience for you, especially as you were very young and vulnerable, unsupported and in an unstable relationship. It is a real shame that counselling has not helped you more on your recovery as you say you feel broken. But can I just say it is admirable that you have taken such positive steps with your qualifications and apprenticeship.

I can only really speak from my own experience in that I never ever used to notice anything baby-related until I got pregnant (age 27). After that I have never been able to not notice people walking past me on the streets pregnant, esp when sporting a large bump. It was very hard to deal with at first... and I only started to cope with being around pregnant people about 3 years later.

Although you have done fabulously well at getting your life 'on track' (stable boyfriend, good career prospects) it sounds like you have never managed to address your underlying grief or found an outlet to express it? Also, as it has been 3 years I imagine that most people who knew would have expected you to be 'getting on' with things by now. But it's not as simple as that is it

Intellectually you have done all 'the right things' by putting a solid foundation in place so that you will be able to support any future children.

Emotionally, have you ever had the chance to say goodbye? From your post I wonder if you were ever allowed the 'luxury' to grieve. If you have any fears, do you know what they are?

I wish I could say something more helpful but in any case you may find some comfort in being able to express your innermost thoughts to people who won't judge you and will understand. I hope so xx

 

[laurat]

Hi Niccy, welcome to the forum honey! Im so sorry for your loss! The grief that you feel is real. It is the same what age or whether it is your first or 4 child. Im sorry that your family and counselling have not helped you enough. I know exactly what you mean about looking at pregnant people and babies etc. I do exactly the same. Something is missing in me!

I dont have any answers Im afraid but all I can say is that you are not alone and hope that in some way this can at least give you comfort. You can use on here to talk.

However, as tinselcat said you sound so strong that you have gotten yourself where you are! Congratilations on your job front and its great that you have a new relationship. I try to live at the moment and each day I make myself think of whats good in my life! And to be honest there is so much that is I just need to remember that I will go on to have a bump and make my life even better!

 

[Niccy]

Hi Niccy

So sorry to hear about your m/c. It must have been a traumatic experience for you, especially as you were very young and vulnerable, unsupported and in an unstable relationship. It is a real shame that counselling has not helped you more on your recovery as you say you feel broken. But can I just say it is admirable that you have taken such positive steps with your qualifications and apprenticeship.

I can only really speak from my own experience in that I never ever used to notice anything baby-related until I got pregnant (age 27). After that I have never been able to not notice people walking past me on the streets pregnant, esp when sporting a large bump. It was very hard to deal with at first... and I only started to cope with being around pregnant people about 3 years later.

Although you have done fabulously well at getting your life 'on track' (stable boyfriend, good career prospects) it sounds like you have never managed to address your underlying grief or found an outlet to express it? Also, as it has been 3 years I imagine that most people who knew would have expected you to be 'getting on' with things by now. But it's not as simple as that is it

Intellectually you have done all 'the right things' by putting a solid foundation in place so that you will be able to support any future children.

Emotionally, have you ever had the chance to say goodbye? From your post I wonder if you were ever allowed the 'luxury' to grieve. If you have any fears, do you know what they are?

I wish I could say something more helpful but in any case you may find some comfort in being able to express your innermost thoughts to people who won't judge you and will understand. I hope so xx

I think not being able to grieve has been the worst part for me, I was never able to say 'goodbye' in that sense. I was just expected to get on with it. I'm the only girl out of my siblings so I've had a lot of expectations thrown my way.

I wish my mum out of all people would at least try to understand, she had my brother at 17 so was young too, I understand she didn't want me to have the life she did but at the same time it also hurts knowing the one person that really should have a vague idea of being so young doesn't want to know. Don't get me wrong, we have a really good relationship and I love her to pieces, but when it comes to this subject she just shuts off from me.

Fear wise, I have a lot of different anxieties after the m/c, my main one being that I'm never going to be able to get myself into a place where I can feel ready to celebrate the life my angel had rather then grieving their death.

Hi Niccy, welcome to the forum honey! Im so sorry for your loss! The grief that you feel is real. It is the same what age or whether it is your first or 4 child. Im sorry that your family and counselling have not helped you enough. I know exactly what you mean about looking at pregnant people and babies etc. I do exactly the same. Something is missing in me!

I dont have any answers Im afraid but all I can say is that you are not alone and hope that in some way this can at least give you comfort. You can use on here to talk.

However, as tinselcat said you sound so strong that you have gotten yourself where you are! Congratilations on your job front and its great that you have a new relationship. I try to live at the moment and each day I make myself think of whats good in my life! And to be honest there is so much that is I just need to remember that I will go on to have a bump and make my life even better!

I feel exactly the same as you, like something is missing.
Coming on here and just being able to vent to ladies who understand what I'm going through is a bit of relief, just to feel like I'm not alone in this.

I'm sorry to you ladies for your losses, but thank you so much for the advice, it's so comforting