depression and mother in law

[Alicebear]

hey girls i need your help, my mother in law is starting fights in our marriage and its got to stop!! i moved all the way from NZ to be with him and left my family and friends back there, I feel like i have one of my husbands arms and she has the other!!! We get along well and she does try to help but i feel suffocated by her always calling or asking every holiday he has off work to come and visit 9 hours away!! My husband is 26 he is considered the favourite, his mother only has baby photos of him in their house and still does everything for him practically baby's him! he has a younger brother 23 and a sister 17 turning 18. Now i don't know what this is but he left home when he was 18 to follow in his fathers foot steps to become an army officer, his brother also left home to become military and will be getting married this year September, the sister will be leaving September to study 6 hours away from home so that leaves her the dog and her husband at home! But ever since i came into his life i feel like she has tried to force me into their close family type thing and his mother is very 50s like style, woman cook clean and sew shit and husband just works and does what he likes! I don't know what to do!! she calls all the time, cries to my husband because we don't visit enough or calls demanding financial info, medical info and what we do all the time. She even tries to make plans for us going here and there. she called to know when he has holidays and plans what we will do, go to his parents house stay 2 weeks!! he has Three weeks off in summer that is for us to move house and get set up; Now if i am plaining on being pregnant i don't want to be driving all over France to their 2nd house, grandmas house and their 1st house we are moving all the way to the top of France from the bottom!! And now this month his mother and him are making plans for 7 hour drive to his grandmas house this weekend followed by more travelling plans! what should i do when my husband always sides with his mum?? I have no help in France ever since coming here i have started to from suffer depression but i can't get any help since my husband just doesn't believe in depression. i feel like his mothers tug of war games are making it worse What should i do?

 

[precious_cargo]

Your husband needs to start believing in depression as its very real. Have you tried to speak with him- he needs to realise that you are now the main priority in his life and that you have sacrificed a lot to be with him and he needs to keep up his end of the bargain xx hugs x



Babydust to all

 

[Alicebear]

i have talked to him, sometimes i am normal and happy but that last about 2 seconds and then i feel like i have headaches and pains getting up in the morning and feel so tired all the time. He gets mad when i go to the bed room to lay on the bed just to block out the world he says i'm sulking and it pisses him off, but really i just want to be alone. He says that what ever he does i'm never happy! but tha'ts not the case its just that i want to be a happy lively person but for some reason when i have happy things to do or to think about the feeling never last long and no matter how hard i try to hold onto it it just goes away and is replaced with negative thoughts. He doesn't understand you see as he comes from a happy home with parents and love where as i came from foster care and a lot of abuse as a child. My mother tired to abort me, i was born nearly three months premature with holes in my heart after that i was abandoned left to die, my grandmother ignored the doctors and and took me home, i slept in a shoe box in front of the fire. After she died i was left in foster care at age 9 as my aunties and uncles hated me because my grandmother gave me so much more love then she did for them. back then foster care was abusive and hard No one really cared for foster children. So you can understand how his mother is taking the wrong steps, trying to force me into this close family thing is suffocating me, i tried to tell her but she just sulks and doesn't want to know that she's wrong.

 

[precious_cargo]

Are you on any medication hun for your depression? Have you had counselling to deal with the awful situation you were in as a child. I had quite a turbulant childhood and I think as an adult this manifests itself later on in life. I couple of years ago I had a really tough time with depression. I am fortunate to have a very supportive oh- he had a very stable home environment but understood that things that had happened shaped my reactions to certain situations etc. There is no such thing as been able to will yourself out of depression for me I just felt numb and had no real reaction to life happy or sad. I think it may be worth you seeking medical help? His Mum is overcompensating and probably doesn't realise this makes you feel suffocated. There is a really good book called Depression curse of the strong that may help bring the OH around and open him up a bit.

Feel free to PM me hun anytime xx

 

[babyfever]

Alicebear I'm sending you hugs! and Precious is right you have sacrificed a lot leaving family and friends behind and he needs to be reminded of this. Remind him that you happily made the move to be with him, but that this time is crucial for you two, to spend time together and create a strong bond. Maybe your MIL needs to be reminded that traving so often can cause strain on a relationship and that you'd like some "alone" time with your honey, if she still insists than you may just have to tell her you two have already made plans.....

 

[precious_cargo]

Defo agree baby!!

 

[Alicebear]

Thanks precious cargo and babyfever i feel a bit better now, you guys are so great. I am not on medication right now as my husband doesn't believe i have depression, medical term wise my French suxs and i have not found any English speaking docs where i live. So you can imagine how left out i felt when i had a miscarriage and i felt like no one was telling me what was going on. Normally with depression i have the up and down scale where i'm fine then gets lower and lower until i hit the bottom then back up. I noticed my depression got worse with my first pregnancy and after that has stayed like this. Without my NZ medical files in French there is not much i can do to be recognised in France they wont accept it! i will have to go through the process to get diagnosed under French medical crap and such and that could take forever! BUT thanks for the E-hugs guys my mother in law just called again to ask me about the dinning table i was looking at buying because she thinks she found a better one at a shop near their house and she has to pick everything out in our house since she picked our house and our car!!! why do i let my husband do this???!! arghhhh i never asked her to go looking! unwanted opinions should be illegal

 

[babyfever]

Don't let her! Tell her thanks but no thanks! I want to pick it out! Those MIL will take over if you let them! If you don't mind me asking how did you meet your husband? I can honestly say I met mine online. It was tough at first but he moved from California to Texas to be with me. It is hard for him to be away from family and I understand that now. I didn't at first, but he started opening up to me about feeling lonely and I had to learn not to take it personally. That even though I was here for him, he missed his family. Depression really is a serious thing and I know he was depressed his first couple of months here. I know language has been a barrier for you, how about you learn a bit of french hun? Maybe that will close the gap and you can build friendships around you.....

 

[Alicebear]

Thanks baby fever, my husband and I met in nz working together he was in the process of becoming an officer and we spent a lot of time going back and forth from new Zealand to France. After that we decided to get married and after three months I fully moved with him to France. The thing I loved about nz was his mother wasn't there holding his hand and we were Living together like a real couple should. I don't mind giving his parents some time and holidays in the year I'm just tired of her making every excuse to make us come every holiday. I know it's hard for a mother to let her children grow up but he's nearly 26 and I'm 23 so its strange for me to have to be act older and make the steps. I tired to tell him nicely that his mother needs to step back and let us work out our lives because I have been feeling like I don't have a place with her always there! Yes she scared of getting old and not having her kids running to her every holiday. Some things come to and end and he needs to learn to tell her that that is life. But he won't ever see that.

 

[babyfever]

Wow you are very mature for a 23 year old. My ex MIL was the same way, we lived right next to her and when I had my son she was over all the time. my ex and I fought all the time, and I wasn't close to my mother so I felt very alone. When I decided to leave my ex and take my son, she was actually supportive. We keep in touch because of my son, and she is always ready to lend a helping had for him. At least you are a few hrs away and not next door. And because your husband is accustomed to being babied he sees nothing wrong with it. If we could only get him to understand where you are coming from...that may take a while...I'm not much help am I? Sorry....

 

[precious_cargo]

I think that the key is getting oh to see a bit of sense and grow up! At some point he needs to cut those apron strings!! Really do feel for u hun n his Mun should respect u have your own lives now xx



Babydust to all

 

[H_Savage]

Wow, I didn't think there was anyone left who didn't 'believe' in depression, given it's 2012. I'm sorry you're going through this with so little support. On a practical level, is it possible for you to research whether there are any interpreter services near you so that you can communicate properly with your doctor? Getting proper healthcare is absolutely vital and I find your husband's attitude frankly appalling. I really hope you find a way to sort all this out xx

 

[Kiki0210]

I think hubby needs to stand up and be counted where his mum is concerned! Hope u find the strength to stick to ur guns hun! "I'll pick my own furniture thanks!!" The book precious cargo mentioned is excellent. I had a previous oh who had severe depression and that book helped me a LOT. I totally believe in depression but as a normal, fallible human being there are days when I would just think "why can't u just snap out of it?" That book helped me understand xxx

 

[Alicebear]

Thanks so much for all your guys support and help it means so much to have people to talk to and just let it out. Babyfever i can speak french but just not good enough for medical terms and things like that, it gets hard sometimes when i'm just to tired and need to give my brain a rest. I'm happy that your ex MIL is in good terms with that's great. precious cargo and kikio210 i think i might just go get that book. thanks H Savage too for your support. Thank the lord tomorrow is another day.

 

[babyfever]

Sorry Alicebear I went back noticed you said medical terms were what you struggled with. And yes tomorrow is another day! It's too bad you're so far away I'd go visit and we could have a girls day with manicures and pedicures but I'm here for you hun anytime even though we have a time zone difference

 

[Elen123]

Alicebear I was just about to write you a message to see how things are going with you!!? :s not good I see. Sending you big hugs Hun! Xx

 

[Alicebear]

thanks so much Baby fever that would be so awesome! And hello Elen nice to see you again! how are you doing?? Well husband is in his office working now and its late i think i will talk to him tomorrow again and see what he thinks! hell i think i might even show him this thread lol hopefully he will come around. By the way we are still trying the smep. Hopefully it works considering my stupid opks don't show me shit! I think i will smep with my cm since it gives me a better chance then these useless sticks. I'm still waiting for my others in the mail should be here soon.

 

[Elen123]

Hello alicebear! Sounds like your having a really tough time of it lately just give oh a good kick up the backside ha! I'm well thanx Hun nothing exciting happening with me tried smep this month and I'm now in the 2ww so hopefully might be my lucky month! I had no luck with them sticks either,did one got a negative then looked again in about 10mins and had a really strong positive!! :s xx

 

[Alicebear]

Yes Elen sounds like my crappy first time with them. They really do stress people out so far i have done the plan like this:

cd1-5 af
cd6 bding pm
cd7 nothing
cd8 nothing
cd9 bding pm
cd10 nothing
cd11 bding pm
cd12 OPS bding am sticky cm
cd13 bding pm watery cm
cd14 nothing watery cm
cd15 bding pm a little watery stretchy/ slight o pains i think!
cd 16 today nearly fully stretchy cm

because of the horrible opks i kinda messed up the smep slightly so i wouldn't be surprised if i miss this cycle. i know that i normally o around CD 15-16 so heres to hoping

 

[babyfever]

So Alicebear are you on cd16 today?