caught my bf trying to cheat & I don't know what to do

[Tommo]

I guess the only upside is that you know it was "all talk" but my worry would be what if next time it wasn't just a one sided drunken phone call???

xxxxxxx

this was one of my thoughts, if he did just call her out of the blue, it could quite easily have been someone that lived closer and was a little easier and then would he have ended up cheating on me when I was asleep upstairs!? I can't bear that thought.

Tommo- I'm really sorry that happened to u, your ex is a dick! I've checked everything of his the same night and there's no sign of anything suspicious, I know his passwords to everything anyway just cos I've had to find info/phone numbers etc for him when he's been at work before, but I checked his laptop incase he had secret accounts and he doesn't.

basically I can't chuck him out cos I'm on medication which sometimes makes me drowsy and go into deep sleeps, if this happens it's like being passed out so There has to be someone else in the house incase the baby needs anything, I slept for 18 hours one day last week, so if he hadnt been here the baby wouldn't have been fed or looked after, which is obviously not an option!

But there has to be an other option surely??? It can't just be risk that baby will be neglected or stay with potential cheat. Can't you even kick him out for a bit to put the fear of god in him? Get his conscious kick started, cue some crying and begging?

I know it's easier said than done, I appreciate that. When push came to shove I was reluctant to do anything with DH. I wanted to hide under the covers and forget everything and just ignore everything he had done. But you said yourself, you heard that conversation and your heart fell out of your chest.

I also know that you're not supposed to shout at someone to leave their partner.. And I'm sorry for that lol can you tell I'm passionate about this? But I knew all my husbands passwords and i don't mid saying I checked his phones, emails, fb, everything at least a few times a week. And I missed it all... And there was a lot to miss. Even with his iPhone backups I missed a lot and he eventually had to come and tell me the truth bout it all.
(Incidentally, he isn't my ex. We're still together although we broke up for a year when I found all of this out. After a year he came and told me everything he had done, like EVERYTHING. I thought I was going to die and it's a year later and I feel like I'm still having to hold my chest together. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But DH is changing and I vowed while he minded his vows, I would upkeep mine. If I hadn't made those vows I would be looooooong gone with my self-respect intact.)

 

[kat1988]

there isn't any option atm as I don't have any family or friends near us and don't have any that would be able to help out for more than a day or so anyway, I can go a day or so without the tablets but without boring u with details I have a mood disorder which become unstable if I don't take them regularly so it's not a good idea.

He's on the sofa for the foreseeable future, and as far as I'm concerned we might as well not be together atm, I don't know whether we will break up or like u things will eventually get back on track but believe me when I say I'm not about to stick my head in the sand and pretend this never happened. I do know I would have serious regrets if I didnt try or give him the chance to try and put things right and that's why ive left the door open so to speak.
Im glad uve managed to try and work through things with your DH (sorry it sounded like he was now an ex from your post!) As i agree with u about the vows being kinda important! am not excusing what he or my OH did tho!

is it too late to seriously consider lesbianism as a viable alternative?

 

[Tommo]

I'm totally with you there!! Or nunnery. You wouldn't believe how much deep dislike I hold for the male gender. I have to say pregnancy hormones make it worse!!

I'm glad you've sorted out what you're doing and I suppose the sofas as good as the garden. I feel this enormous need in me to empower women to defend themselves which is why I feel really bad. But I'll be keeping an eye for any updates. And if you ever need someone to kick him.. Pm me xxx

 

[Msclaireypants]

Kat, I'm so Sorry he's done this to you! I was in the same position at one point with Billy Although the difference is that he doesn't know that I know!

Won't bore you but months of Facebook messages to a girl he works with.

Anyway how are you doing today? What's your plan going forward?


My lovely little man Spencer 28/2/2013 6lbs 3.5ozs

 

[babybee]

Oh Kat hun, I've only just seen this. Massive hugs.
After all you've been through recently, he is so cruel for putting you through another heartbreaking situation.

I hope he never treats you this way again and he earns his second chance with you.
Big hugs again chick.xxx

 

[kat1988]

thanks everyone, he tried to come to bed at about 3 last night so I promptly told him where the sofa was, I couldn't quite believe he'd even tried tbh! am waiting for ruby to settle before I confront him about it. I don't really know what the plan is Clairey other than see what happens next, im waiting for him to try and make it up to me and apart from doing a couple of baby things the past couple of days, making bottles etc he hasn't really bothered yet so we'll see xx

 

[HopesDreams]

How are things now Kat?

 

[kat1988]

were still together atm but he's sleeping on the sofa, I keep reminding him it's because I don't trust him and he's trying hard to make things better, he's helping out with lo alot more, he didnt washing for the first time ever yesterday, and he's deleted the girl he was talking to from fb and from his phone to make a point.

just guna have to see how things go really as its not something that will get fixed overnight, but I do think it's worth trying to fix it xx

 

[H16]

I know how you feel hun, me and OH went through a really rough time after losing our baby last year and I had serious suspicions and couldn't put my finger on why - then discovered he was dirty talking on facebook with someone he slept with a few times before we met! Anyway I know for fact he didn't sleep with her while we were together but it was definitely heading that way. I confronted him about it and went ape shit, he started crying and saying I'm best thing that ever happened to him and not to leave him blah blah.

I stuck around simply because I loved him a lot and had nowhere else to go - my family live 70 miles away, I don't have many friends here and I had not long started a new job.

He deleted facebook off his own back straight away and tried hard to make things up to me. It took a while but we are in a good place again now. It wasn't easy to rebuild trust though and I still occasionally check his phone or whatever but he always leaves them lying around now, when he gets a txt etc he asks me to read it to him, he given me his passwords to emails etc even though I didn't ask which has all helped make me feel better. He knows full well if anything ever happens like this again I would leave and would be taking baby with me xxx

 

[Tommo]

I know how you feel hun, me and OH went through a really rough time after losing our baby last year and I had serious suspicions and couldn't put my finger on why - then discovered he was dirty talking on facebook with someone he slept with a few times before we met! Anyway I know for fact he didn't sleep with her while we were together but it was definitely heading that way. I confronted him about it and went ape shit, he started crying and saying I'm best thing that ever happened to him and not to leave him blah blah.

I stuck around simply because I loved him a lot and had nowhere else to go - my family live 70 miles away, I don't have many friends here and I had not long started a new job.

He deleted facebook off his own back straight away and tried hard to make things up to me. It took a while but we are in a good place again now. It wasn't easy to rebuild trust though and I still occasionally check his phone or whatever but he always leaves them lying around now, when he gets a txt etc he asks me to read it to him, he given me his passwords to emails etc even though I didn't ask which has all helped make me feel better. He knows full well if anything ever happens like this again I would leave and would be taking baby with me xxx

This has made me really happy. Not the first bit, obviously, but isn't it amazing when someone actually makes efforts to change and you see it.

How are things now Kat?

 

[kat1988]

Thanks H16, kind of shows it doesn't always have to end, I know that's one of those rare cases but I'm glad it worked out for u.

Tommo, were still together and things are gradually improving, some days are better than others tho as I'm obviously not going to trust him any time soon, he's making me dinner as we speak. Still doesn't feel real iykwim?

I did ask him about the married woman btw and I don't think he'd thought about anything let alone how her husband would react, luckily for oh he's obviously very trusting of his wife!

 

[Tommo]

Eeek! Well I'm glad you seem to be in less pain anyway, I hope things continue to go well. What are the chances he will make me dinner also and Fed-ex it over? Haha only joking I should be on my own husband for making me some food lol

Ah! Not thinking.. the most dangerous of behaviours lol

 

[kat1988]

lol I think that post almost made sense! well tbh there's alot of other stuff going on as well, having visits from mental health team for example and I don't think he quite realised what all that entailed till he was here for one visit last week. Also u don't want what he's making...tuna mayo and cheese sandwiches with reagee reagee sauce...it does NOT taste good, but the tought was there lol

 

[bbee]

Big hugs hun
I have had a similar situation happen to me, it is actually heartbreaking!

X

 

[Becky1]

A similar thing happened to me many years ago, I forgave oh and 10 yrs on we're still together married with a lo. When he did what he did he was young, stupid and drunk. I can honestly say that I now trust him 100%.