cant cry no more

[tracey 2]

its got to the point in the early hours of this morning where iv been crying for the last hour or so but now my head hurts and my eyes are too sore from all the crying, i just miss her so so much,

everyone has said to me how can you miss someone you never really knew i understand what they mean but i just do she was alive and real and even though i never spent any real time with her watching her grow and everything still doesnt mean i cant miss her,

iv just had a posting and crying session on SANDS i dont know where i would be without their support recently, as much as i can talk bit more openly on here, i know some of you girls a lot better they can understand where im coming from in a way if that makes sense.

i know my priority right now is this little man and he is my main concern but i cant help by feel sad, lonely, scared and frightened of the next few weeks, month etc, i can tell myself or others can tell me it will all be ok and yes you know what it proberly will be but i cant allow myself to believe anyone or even myself at all right now until he is safely in my arms i cant explain tonight what it feels like,

everyone says im strong il get through this etc and god am i thankful for knowing some wonderful strong, helpful people but i dont feel it and i cant shake that off just yet, i not i know replacing my girls at all i know that i mean he has been sent to help me and my girls are watching over him, see im a bit more at peace with why them have gone but i just i dunno im not great at explaining things really so its kinda hard to say what i really mean but its god to get it out open on paper much as i can do,

i just need support over the next few weeks to get me past those dreaded 22 weeks i know im not out of the woods until he is here but im finding it hard and i think it would kill me if anything happened, the slightest twinge im shaking but i cant over panic because it might make things worse

well im going to go and see if i can try to get some sleep now but thank you all for reading if you have go this far,

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Next time your up like that hun call ok.

I know this is so so hard hun for you, and i only know a small fraction of the pain your feeling, but believe me hun, you are strong as your still standing.

Like you said hun, your girls are now watching over their baby brother, to make sure their mummy finally gets what she deserves, a baby on earth and not just in heaven.

I will do anything i can hun to help you through this ok, even if it means early hour calls where you just need to cry to someone ok. Let me do now what you have done for me ok.

I will be calling you when i go on my lunch love to talk ok, will give you some time to rest too


And no matter what other people say hun, you DID know all your girls, you carried them and you loved them. They are your daughters hun and that will NEVER change.

Hope you got some sleep hun and ill speak to you soon love (unless battery dies...)

More hugs

 

[jsykes1975]

Hi hun,

What a night you put in! Never so hideous in the morning is it?

"the dreaded 22 weeks"-I've a dreaded 18 weeks so I absolutely understand your loss. While my Emma was not born alive, I saw her and touched her and carried her and planned for her.

Your girls are your babies from you know of their existance, not from they're placed in your arms. You are a mother of 3 and what greater joy than the day you have Joshua in your arms. He will be a much loved little boy.

I have placed Emma's name in a "Remember our child" book in our city cathedral and am going to view the entry on Friday. I will imagine it will upset me but at the same time, a written record of her existance is important to me and my OH.

I wish you continued health and peace in your pregnancy.

Julie xxxxxxxxxxx

Emma Mary Always missed 18wk m/c 02.05.08

 

[Petra]

Aww hun, I am so sorry you feel so bad. It is understandable and I hope that the next few weeks fly by and you pass the 22 weeks mark and all is well. I will be ing for you. Have some of these now

 

[Tracey S]

Tracey,

I know that people are well meaning when they say how can you miss something that you never really had, but they just dont understand do they? you cannot comprehend such an horrendous and heartbreaking loss unless you have experienced it, but they are trying to understand your pain but just cant get there.

You are going through a tricky time now in your pregnancy, all the bad memories are still fresh and 22 weeks will look like a brick wall, you want to get past it but at the same time you are dreading it too. I had a major wobble when it was Heidi's due date and ended up going to hospital just so they could let me listen to George's heartbeat so I could have some reasssurance, but that didnt stop all the dark thoughts I had, and I didnt really share them with anyone apart from my husband. It seemed that as we got over one worry I would 'invent' a new one, even up to convincing myself that the cord would be wrapped round his neck and he would strangle himself. I had to reign myself in and just live each day at a time, crossing each day off as a day nearer to meeting my baby.

Yes you are right, I didnt stop worrying until I saw George and held him in my arms, but we made it to the end and now we have a gorgeous baby boy, we wont forget Heidi and we miss her every single day, and it will be the same for you, I am not saying that Joshua will make everything better, but he will go ever such a long way to giving you the peace and happiness that both you and Steve deserve.

I am so glad you found SANDS, the group I attend have helped me so much and they still do, the girls there are so supportive and I honestly dont know what I would have done without them. You ARE incredibly strong Tracey (it must be the name ) all you need to do is hang on in there for a bit longer and you will get there.

love and hugs


Tracey xx

 

[Melly+2]

Hun you are such a strong person no matter how much you tell us your not, just because you cry for those you love doesnt make you weak, it means you are able to love and will continue to do so for those little girls till the day you die, thats a fantastic thing. I cant really imagine what you have been through but i can only try to imagine and i dont think i could have coped if it were me, those little girls are so lucky that up in heaven they can call you their mummy and they will be so proud of you and will look over you and little joshua forever and keep you both safe. Im here any time of day if you want to text or phone me, or even pm me and pour your heart out, you have been so supportive through my times of need and as your friend i offer you my love and help in return You will forever have a friend in me

 

[tracey 2]

sarah- thanks hun and for the call and chat.

jsykes 1975- thanks hun yeah does always seem lot better in the morning. im sorry for your loss of your beautiful angel emma,

i hope friday goes ok for you hun

petra- thank you hun really appreciate it all

tracey s- as always you have just totally got me with what i mean thank you im just so so petrified of the 22 week mark i think thats mainly what im more frightened off than anything i want to go to sleep for the next few weeks and not wake up til next year and the hardest part will be over

mel- thank you hun and thank you so so much for all your support

 

[Suzie and Faith]

I have no idea how hard it must be but I can imagine the fear you must have and I really feel for you. text me anytime hun xxxx

 

[Serendipity_]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss... What a sad time, I read your Gonetoosoon for Chloe, how awful. Parents should not bury their children... No matter how old.