37 weeks pregnant, dealing with self-esteem issues and reassurance in relationship (

[Mama Mol]

37 weeks pregnant, dealing with self-esteem issues and reassurance in relationship

This is my first thread on MumsNet, I have typed all this out once already however it vanished once I posted it and I really want to put all of this out there as I'm facing problems that are really dragging me down and it's taking a toll.

Basically, I am 23 and I'm 37 weeks pregnant (today in-fact) and my weight gain is very apparent now, I have been with my boyfriend for years now and I have always been a size 8 and slim looking. I'm not sure whether or not its because I have always been a slim build that makes people deem they can regularly make comments about my weight but it is really getting to my self-esteem now as I have always struggled with self-image before falling pregnant. I don't mind comments such as "wow your bump is huge" etc that's fine, but people have made comments about how much my face has filled out and how its gotten bigger, my mam told me how "my arms are getting fatter and I'm filling out" around 12 weeks pregnant and also tried to say she thinks I'm defiantly 5 months because I'm "huge". This is my first baby and I've never had my body change so drastically and so much my thighs feel and look tripled in size and are covered in stretch marks as is the under of my stomach, I'm mostly insecure about about my chin which has fattened up (also been pointed out to me, as well as my boyfriend telling me to "love my chin" as a joke but it really bothers me).

Anyway moving on slightly, I had a maternity shoot done with my boyfriend, and I posted one of the photos and I was so happy with the image and liked how I looked in the picture but a friend left a comment underneath stating "by you ain't half put the weight on since I last saw you, all for the right reasons though". This really upset me, partly because I didn't think I looked "big" in the picture and I wasn't aware that's what people got from the image which to me is showing I must've been seeing a different image as to what others are viewing.

This has really added to my anxiety because I already feel as though that if I go and meet up or run into a friend or somebody who hasn't seen me for a long while then they will notice the weight even more so than someone who see's me regularly and I feel very self-conscious about it and because I see my reflection everyday I feel like I don't know how drastic this change is to other people if that makes sense?

As you all know 37 weeks is an emotional and hormonal time, and I got really worked up over this comment last night and began crying thinking about the comment, my weight gain, new body etc and my boyfriend was more interested in looking at random uni things on his phone. I told him what was wrong and his response was "tell him to f%^k off and that you've gained weight because you're pregnant" and I said "well that doesn't make me feel any better does it" which then he proceeds to get moody and says "Well I don't know what you want me to do about it, you're being ridiculous, you need to grow a thicker skin and proceeds to say that he doesn't know any other woman who goes on like this" I then expressed how that other women at 37 weeks pregnant go through body issues and insecurity and just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean its okay for people to keep pointing out weight I've gained. he then responds with how "why people have commented about my weight and I always put weight on and off and you don't see me crying about it, and continues to tell me I'm acting like a "little girl" and I need to grow up and said "as Bob Dylan said but you break just like a little girl". My boyfriend is 38 and already has a child of his own, so I would of expected him to have more compassion and understanding to how I might be feeling at this stage in my pregnancy and try to understand and comfort me but instead he just had a complete lack of empathy. It was literally a matter of days ago he was over looking an article I was reading about how fathers can support there pregnant girlfriends and a section was on about our emotions at this time and good ways to respond. I felt bad about myself but in the end I felt even more worse with how he responded to me expressing my feelings.

Once his son had came up to bed I decided to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he did try to get me to stay in the bed but I wasn't having it, I will most likely sleep on the couch again tonight to be honest. Another thing mentioned from myself was that I wish he would just have the right thing to say sometimes and how i feel as though the love isn't the same. his response being "what are you on about, what do you want me to say, that you haven't gained weight? when you have? do you want me to lie to you and pretend?" I responding with how that's not what I meant, I am very aware of my weight, I just expected some form of reassurance from him to feel slightly better about myself but he couldn't even do that. I just felt completely mocked and he clearly didn't have any interest in trying to understand how I felt.

I'm close to my due date now and I am really worried that our relationship is taking a toll, we don't really speak to each other these days, he is very driven and obsesses with uni/work... where I appreciate that he is trying to do well for himself/family he consumes himself in it to the point where if he's speaking he's only discussing his course and jobs he can do far in the future, he is never fully in a moment with me, his head is constantly in his phone and laptop or he is worrying about his course, to the point where he has worked out by the percentage to what he needs to get the grade he wants. He NEVER has his brain switched off and I believe he has a form of OCD because i feel as though this obsession with his work isn't healthy. His family have also suspected OCD because he's been like this for a long time and goes through different phases of things and has many a "dream". I worry that he won't make time to bond with our baby or will find it very stressful too. I feel like 88% percent of him is always else where and he never appears to want to be present with me and I feel he has no interest in talking to me or being in the moment with me. He will have a full day with his head in work mode and we will both climb into bed and he is straight on his phone looking at more work stuff, he doesn't even look my way.

I feel as though if it wasn't for the fact I'm pregnant with our son he probably wouldn't want this anymore, but because I am heavily pregnant I won't really know or receive the truth of this because he isn't the type of man who will leave me when I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And I feel as though he would be worried about the judgement that he would feel if he did this which is another reason why he is sticking in this relationship.

I just know that he isn't attracted to me anymore and the affection is at a very low minimum if there at all. He never kisses me, the love is just not the same, where I was under the impression pregnancy brings out more love from you both, I just feel like the further into my pregnancy the more distant he seems in terms to affection and passion.

We don't really have much of a sex life, I do understand there's not a lot you can do at this stage of pregnancy however we have sex maybe once or twice a month which doesn't seem normal or healthy at our age in my opinion. I used to have a good level of confidence in the bedroom and our sex life now I'm the opposite I struggle feeling comfortable with eye contact and find myself hiding myself more and more, as I just don't feel desirable or sexy to him in the slightest, it always feels like I'm something he could "take or leave" it never feels like he really wants me and there isn't any passion, or eager excitement, it's just like I said he can take it or leave it, he just doesn't seem that interested. I know it sounds awful, but it can feel like I'm somewhere to "dispose" rather than someone he would actually want to have sex with. He looks at other women quite a fair bit when he's out with me I'm good at ignoring it 99% of the time now but I notice that other peoples boyfriends don't really do this, and it adds to my feels that its just that fact he has no desirable attraction towards me. He never really pays me any compliments even when I've got my makeup done for an occasion and put money and effort into looking nice for when we're going out somewhere or even just a general compliment. I'm lucky if I receive a single text from him when we're out working all day which can be from 7am until 10:30pm.

I don't know what to do, I'm really sad and lack a lot of reassurance in my relationship and my gut is telling me that the only reason this is working is because of the baby on the way, but I'm 100% certain he isn't attracted to this relationship anymore and lacks the desire that once was there.

He is wonderful in many ways and wants to work hard for his family, but there is more to love than just that, empathy, passion, and understanding to me are key for a relationship to survive. I just wish he could be the person who can say the right things and even make me feel 2% happier rather than worse.

I don't know what I expect to receive from posting this, but It's nice to have joined something where I can express how I'm feeling without judgement.

 

[Fsb676]

@Mama Mol awww, Dear, I’m so sorry for you. You definitely have a lot going on in your situation. No judgement at all. Everyone gains weight in pregnancy. Even though it doesn’t hurt any less, don’t let other’s careless words control your life. It is not your problem, it is there problem if they don’t know enough to be more compassionate and polite. As for the fear of other people you run into, remember that not everyone is the same. You may have had some rude comments, but others will understand and be compassionate. As for your boyfriend, don’t focus on changing him. Pray for him, and improve on the health of your mind and thoughts. I am sure it seems near impassable to not think this over and over in your head again....because this is what I do with all the things I worry about. Glad you are looking for help, and please feel free to DM me anytime. Praying for you.

 

[Mama Mol]

Aw, thank you for taking the time to read my essay! I appreciate the kind words, and yes I agree that is exactly what I need to do, focus more energy into my own thoughts and turn them into positives. Once you're in a loop of over thinking and being harsh on oneself it's hard to get out of it. Thank you so much for your reply. You're totally right. I don't know why people feel they're entitled to say whatever they like just because you're pregnant! I think some people must think that because are bodies are expected to change that we don't get effect by such comments? there's so many positive things to comment on with a womans pregnancy yet some people want to comment and make weight gain the apparent thing?! It baffles me how people can't understand how rude it is. Once again thank you for your lovely words.

 

[Kitana]

Awww you are going through a lot of stress at the moment and the impending arrival of the LO does bring a lot more worries to the Mum than the Dad.

They sometimes seem a bit detached and uninterested in what is happening in their OH's life and body, but even though I do think that's partly true since they don't carry the baby and don't feel the pregnancy personally, I think hormones play a part as well.

I used to react with a lot more emotion than when not pregnant. I could get truly enraged for the most trivial things like if someone would honk at me during driving, I would lose it while I'm a very peaceful and respectful person normally. It's like when I felt an emotion, it was amplified and it took a while before it went away, even after birth. I still get teary eyed when I see a cute film or listen to a sad song!

Try to enjoy these last few weeks as a couple because things get tough after birth. The sleepless nights, the burning agonising nipples, the smelly milk stains, the explosive diapers... Maybe you could go to a spa or follow a birthing class together. Make some time for each other before the baby comes.

As for the weight gain, I think it's normal to feel uncomfortable and "fat" because your body has been taken hostage and you are no longer really at the wheel! But you will see, it will melt off so easily after birth! You hold so much water near the end that you will completely drain and regain your figure. It's all normal! I don't know if you're planning on breastfeeding but that works like magic for weight loss! You shouldn't worry about what people think because that is the perception they have of you in their eyes, how is that important to you?

A friend once told me that your world is a big bubble around you, and everyone lives in their own bubble. When they say or think things about you, it's in their bubble and it can't enter yours. It bounces off their walls and stays in their bubble. It shouldn't affect you in any way hun.

Try to see the positive thing and remember that your body is actually creating and sustaining a little human being! It will all go back to normal and nothing will stay like this forever.x

 

[Mama Mol]

Thank you for your response, and I guess I never really thought about how it could be quite easy for them to forget what our bodies go through with them not going through that themselves. I guess like you said it might be easy for them to detach from that aspect.

And I definitely think my hormones are worsening the situation and how I’m soaking things in, that’s where I would like a bit of compassion from his half I guess, but time will tell.

and thank you! This is rather reassuring and I appreciate it. It’s nice to have some hope for my future physical self lol. It’s nice to hear something reassuring for a change rather than having the opposite focused on me.

thank you, this message helped a lot

 

[Kitana]

You're welcome hun!

Don't forgot, it's only temporary! Remember that when even after birth! It helped me a lot knowing that things change and babies grow.x

 

[Mia56]

37 weeks pregnant, dealing with self-esteem issues and reassurance in relationship

This is my first thread on MumsNet, I have typed all this out once already however it vanished once I posted it and I really want to put all of this out there as I'm facing problems that are really dragging me down and it's taking a toll.

Basically, I am 23 and I'm 37 weeks pregnant (today in-fact) and my weight gain is very apparent now, I have been with my boyfriend for years now and I have always been a size 8 and slim looking. I'm not sure whether or not its because I have always been a slim build that makes people deem they can regularly make comments about my weight but it is really getting to my self-esteem now as I have always struggled with self-image before falling pregnant. I don't mind comments such as "wow your bump is huge" etc that's fine, but people have made comments about how much my face has filled out and how its gotten bigger, my mam told me how "my arms are getting fatter and I'm filling out" around 12 weeks pregnant and also tried to say she thinks I'm defiantly 5 months because I'm "huge". This is my first baby and I've never had my body change so drastically and so much my thighs feel and look tripled in size and are covered in stretch marks as is the under of my stomach, I'm mostly insecure about about my chin which has fattened up (also been pointed out to me, as well as my boyfriend telling me to "love my chin" as a joke but it really bothers me).

Anyway moving on slightly, I had a maternity shoot done with my boyfriend, and I posted one of the photos and I was so happy with the image and liked how I looked in the picture but a friend left a comment underneath stating "by you ain't half put the weight on since I last saw you, all for the right reasons though". This really upset me, partly because I didn't think I looked "big" in the picture and I wasn't aware that's what people got from the image which to me is showing I must've been seeing a different image as to what others are viewing.

This has really added to my anxiety because I already feel as though that if I go and meet up or run into a friend or somebody who hasn't seen me for a long while then they will notice the weight even more so than someone who see's me regularly and I feel very self-conscious about it and because I see my reflection everyday I feel like I don't know how drastic this change is to other people if that makes sense?

As you all know 37 weeks is an emotional and hormonal time, and I got really worked up over this comment last night and began crying thinking about the comment, my weight gain, new body etc and my boyfriend was more interested in looking at random uni things on his phone. I told him what was wrong and his response was "tell him to f%^k off and that you've gained weight because you're pregnant" and I said "well that doesn't make me feel any better does it" which then he proceeds to get moody and says "Well I don't know what you want me to do about it, you're being ridiculous, you need to grow a thicker skin and proceeds to say that he doesn't know any other woman who goes on like this" I then expressed how that other women at 37 weeks pregnant go through body issues and insecurity and just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean its okay for people to keep pointing out weight I've gained. he then responds with how "why people have commented about my weight and I always put weight on and off and you don't see me crying about it, and continues to tell me I'm acting like a "little girl" and I need to grow up and said "as Bob Dylan said but you break just like a little girl". My boyfriend is 38 and already has a child of his own, so I would of expected him to have more compassion and understanding to how I might be feeling at this stage in my pregnancy and try to understand and comfort me but instead he just had a complete lack of empathy. It was literally a matter of days ago he was over looking an article I was reading about how fathers can support there pregnant girlfriends and a section was on about our emotions at this time and good ways to respond. I felt bad about myself but in the end I felt even more worse with how he responded to me expressing my feelings.

Once his son had came up to bed I decided to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he did try to get me to stay in the bed but I wasn't having it, I will most likely sleep on the couch again tonight to be honest. Another thing mentioned from myself was that I wish he would just have the right thing to say sometimes and how i feel as though the love isn't the same. his response being "what are you on about, what do you want me to say, that you haven't gained weight? when you have? do you want me to lie to you and pretend?" I responding with how that's not what I meant, I am very aware of my weight, I just expected some form of reassurance from him to feel slightly better about myself but he couldn't even do that. I just felt completely mocked and he clearly didn't have any interest in trying to understand how I felt.

I'm close to my due date now and I am really worried that our relationship is taking a toll, we don't really speak to each other these days, he is very driven and obsesses with uni/work... where I appreciate that he is trying to do well for himself/family he consumes himself in it to the point where if he's speaking he's only discussing his course and jobs he can do far in the future, he is never fully in a moment with me, his head is constantly in his phone and laptop or he is worrying about his course, to the point where he has worked out by the percentage to what he needs to get the grade he wants. He NEVER has his brain switched off and I believe he has a form of OCD because i feel as though this obsession with his work isn't healthy. His family have also suspected OCD because he's been like this for a long time and goes through different phases of things and has many a "dream". I worry that he won't make time to bond with our baby or will find it very stressful too. I feel like 88% percent of him is always else where and he never appears to want to be present with me and I feel he has no interest in talking to me or being in the moment with me. He will have a full day with his head in work mode and we will both climb into bed and he is straight on his phone looking at more work stuff, he doesn't even look my way.

I feel as though if it wasn't for the fact I'm pregnant with our son he probably wouldn't want this anymore, but because I am heavily pregnant I won't really know or receive the truth of this because he isn't the type of man who will leave me when I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And I feel as though he would be worried about the judgement that he would feel if he did this which is another reason why he is sticking in this relationship.

I just know that he isn't attracted to me anymore and the affection is at a very low minimum if there at all. He never kisses me, the love is just not the same, where I was under the impression pregnancy brings out more love from you both, I just feel like the further into my pregnancy the more distant he seems in terms to affection and passion.

We don't really have much of a sex life, I do understand there's not a lot you can do at this stage of pregnancy however we have sex maybe once or twice a month which doesn't seem normal or healthy at our age in my opinion. I used to have a good level of confidence in the bedroom and our sex life now I'm the opposite I struggle feeling comfortable with eye contact and find myself hiding myself more and more, as I just don't feel desirable or sexy to him in the slightest, it always feels like I'm something he could "take or leave" it never feels like he really wants me and there isn't any passion, or eager excitement, it's just like I said he can take it or leave it, he just doesn't seem that interested. I know it sounds awful, but it can feel like I'm somewhere to "dispose" rather than someone he would actually want to have sex with. He looks at other women quite a fair bit when he's out with me I'm good at ignoring it 99% of the time now but I notice that other peoples boyfriends don't really do this, and it adds to my feels that its just that fact he has no desirable attraction towards me. He never really pays me any compliments even when I've got my makeup done for an occasion and put money and effort into looking nice for when we're going out somewhere or even just a general compliment. I'm lucky if I receive a single text from him when we're out working all day which can be from 7am until 10:30pm.

I don't know what to do, I'm really sad and lack a lot of reassurance in my relationship and my gut is telling me that the only reason this is working is because of the baby on the way, but I'm 100% certain he isn't attracted to this relationship anymore and lacks the desire that once was there.

He is wonderful in many ways and wants to work hard for his family, but there is more to love than just that, empathy, passion, and understanding to me are key for a relationship to survive. I just wish he could be the person who can say the right things and even make me feel 2% happier rather than worse.

I don't know what I expect to receive from posting this, but It's nice to have joined something where I can express how I'm feeling without judgement.

Thank you for your story! The emotional rollercoaster, the body changes—it’s a lot to handle! When I was juggling personal stress and school work during a rough patch, I found myself struggling to keep up with everything. I ended up using 99papers.com to take care of some assignments, which gave me the mental space to focus more on my health and relationship. It’s crazy how even a little bit of help can make a big difference in managing overwhelming moments.