can people change?

[nikkijane]

ive known my husband for 10 years, we were always great friends. nearly two years ago we got together as a couple and in august last year we got married. i have never loved anyone more in my entire life.

after our wedding though our relationship began to go downhill. my husband had left his job to go back to college and the new job he was meant to start was seriously delayed causing us financial worries. it was a mistake he had made that caused the delay and i was really upset/ angry at this and made my feelings obvious.

we sorted all that out eventually but the fights never stopped. even when i fell pregnant with our first child- i have a son that lives with us who is 4- he was just never happy. the fights turned abusive and eventually i made him leave. my parents got involved and my son got hurt in the mess. (please note- he was never physically harmed... just scared because of the way my husband had gotten. i was never physically harmed either).

we have been seperated for 2months now and those 2months have been the hardest of my life. we have fought, i have cried, i have got seriously ill with stress and my life feels upside down. it took me a while to get to a point where i knew what i wanted.

on saturday i met with my husband and we finally managed to talk some things through. we both want to be together and have the future we had planned. he says hes going to get help and while we were together i seen none of the badness that had been there over the past few months. i know it'll be hard but i want to give him this chance to show me he can be the man he once was... the thing is im still scared.

people keep telling me that he wont change... that people dont change. the way i see it though is that if he changed into this horrible person... why cant he change back??

any opinion would be greatly appreciated... has anyone ever been in this position before? is it possible?

i really dont know who to turn to just now. i really just want my husband and my family back together.

 

[BevG]

some ppl can change if they want to, but they have to actually want it and do something about it. just saying 'i'll change or i'll get help' dosent make it happen. if you want to give him another chance then go ahead as you will probably regret it if you dont but take it slow, ensure he is actually getting help and going to counselling or something. dont move you and your son back in with him until your sure. why not start over and just date again for a while until your more confident its not just a temporary change of heart.

 

[Jayjay027]

It sounds like he just went through a hard time and didn't know the best way to deal with it, and it spiraled out of control.
People can change, ur hubby changed from the caring man u married, to the monster u kicked out.

My hubby did something similar before we got married. Both his parents were diagnosed as being terminally ill at around the same time, and he didn't know how to cope with it, and he turned nasty. We ended up splitting up over it too but he promised he would find a more constructive way to work through his anger, fear and sadness, and we haven't looked back since.

It seems that ur hubby is a good guy really, but just let stress get the better of him.

Hope everything works out for u x

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[jld123]

i think that people can change. in my experience though it took 3 years apart for it to become apparent. 2 months just does not feel long enough, my best advice is that if he is serious about getting help like anger management or something, maybe he could do a few sessions before you guys get back together and then carry them on as he moves back in. I wouldnt personally let him back in to my childs life until i was certain he was determined to change. i hope it works out for you xxx

 

[nikkijane]

thanks for your replys, i really appreciate it.

me and my husband have started seeing each other again and are trying to take things slow. its only been a few days but i feel like he is making such an effort and i can feel some of my trust returning. i am not allowing him to see my son yet because i want to be 100% sure that everything is going fine before i introduce him back into my childs life. i dont want my son to feel confused.

we are basically dating and are going to work things like this for a while. there is no plan for him to move back in with us in the immediate future... we just want to be together and are willing to put the work in to do so.

jayjay- what you said nearly had me in tears because i feel like the situation is soo similar and im soo happy that yous managed to get through it. it has given me hope that there is a chance. my husbands dad is currently having serious problems with his health and at the start of all our trouble my husbands grandad also died. he didnt feel like he could talk to me about this stuff because we were fighting and he doesnt really find it easy to open up to anyone. i know its no excuse for his actions but at the same time i never really acknowledged that these things would be having an effect on him. do you mind me asking how your husband managed to get through these things? did he get professional help? (sorry if im being intrusive)

xx

 

[Jayjay027]

Ur not being intrusive at all. My husband didn't actually end up getting professional help but said that if I felt he needed it, he would go.
He realised when we split up that he was miserable without me, and having me there if he needed to talk was better than being alone.

He still keeps things to himself sometimes, I don't push him to talk because I know he always will eventually. If he gets angry or overwhelmed, he goes out for a walk, or to the gym, then when he comes back, he's fine and will talk to me about it.

Just be patient with him. If he knows he was wrong and wants to turn a corner, he will do whatever it takes to make it work.

I'm glad you're both working things out, and hope everything goes well for u xx

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[pixie17]

people make mistakes and many people find a way to resolve them (otherwise there would be no hope for anyone would there, none of us are perfect). However, i would take it really slowly and not let your want for your family to get back together overshadow giving things the time it needs to work out. If you rush things, it may make things worse. It sound like things are goin back in the right direction, so i wish you the best of luck x

 

[AyeshaD]

People can change.. ones might change away but some may take longer. all men are the same to be frank babe and all of us having same full plates here and there but the mean thing is that you've to be tough and set down the ground and tell him the hard and tough way.. I always say to mine " dont except I would wait for you if you carry on like this" and he kept quiet and reflect back... dont show your caring side till hes willingness to change.

 

[FeeGee]

I would suggest couple councelling otherwise I think you'll struggle.

Your predicament sounds like mine, we were together 7 yrs and got married, then it all started going downhill when i had a miscarriage - then pregnancy, then having a baby ... it was meant to be idylic and perfect, but he just changed and couldnt cope I dont think which made his behavoiour unnaceptable and I made him leave - that was in 2010. Not long later he met someone else but we both decied to ry again but his heart was neevr in it and always when push came to shove he would choose to end it for good ratehr than come back - basically it feels that for 2 yrs he just used me for easy access to dd. He's said and done terrible thigns to me and i have retaliated in my own way and it's one huge huge mess now .... so if I can give you any advice its to nip it in the bud now, get help to act as a referee and dont leave it too long for him to come back. xx

 

[Laura_C]

I think people can change BUT they have to have some kind of support mechanism in place to help them along the way. People don't change overnight, it takes much commitment and time. My husband is a very sensitive, loving man but when we went though a really difficult time (we lost our son at 2 days old and he lost his job just after and a long list of other things!) it just seemed he couldn't find a way through it and his outlet was anger. He never hurt me physically and I don't think he ever would but he had several bad angry outbursts which were quite scary. He even tried to take his own life after we lost our son and then his job, he felt he had no support at that time. We had rowed that morning before he left for work as I knew he was talking to a girl from work over FB privately and the conversation was inappropriate in my eyes for a married man. That day he tried to take an overdose. Luckily all was fine, he was ok but it was then we realise he was really not coping. He had to have a couple of counselling sessions just to check all was ok and he had the correct support. I was involved with most sessions too which was great and they were happy his progress. It was good to hear from the psychologist that she felt we had a strong marriage and we had the right foundations for us to work through stuff. He was fine for a few months but the anger surfaced again and I made him get help, he was in complete agreement and they said they felt he needed something to help his anger and anxiety. He is taking some anti anxiety meds now and is like the man I married again He will prob be able to come off then slowly in the next few months.

Basically a stressfull and difficult time in anyone's life can have a major affect and sometimes people just need a little support through those difficult times to get back on track. Doesn't mean it will be needed forever, just until things are settled again. Even things like a new baby or stress at work can cause such issues.

It can and will get better if he is open to some kind of help to address the anger