Antenatal Depression

[KirstyL]

Hi Guys,
As you may remember from previous posts of mine, I've been having a pretty rubbish time of it, my partner walked out last weekend, saying he could no longer cope with my moodiness and he wanted to be alone.
Well, I've felt down and sad for months and months now, and very unhappy too. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I was happy, but at the same time, not happy enough to lift me out of this mood, so then I felt guilty for feeling unhappy, and started feeling more unhappy I have felt anxious, withdrawn, I get irritable at the slightest thing, and this isn't just since I've been pregnant. I also have an overwhelming fear that I can't cope. I went to the doctors last night and told her how I'm feeling, and she said it sounds like I have antenatal depression, but she is reluctant to put me on anti-depressants as it can be dangerous to baby and can cause miscarriage.
I told my Ex partner this, and he doesn't believe me, he said I don't have depression and I'm using it as an excuse so I don't have to deal with my demons, because I've been like this for months. The doctor did say that depression can go un-noticed for a while, and the person can be increasingly moody and unhappy and not know why, and then something triggers it, and in this case, it was the baby.

My Ex says that he isn't planning on losing the baby, and he wasn't planning on losing me or my daughter either, but that he can't help what has happened just like I can't change what has been said, and it will take him a long time to think about trusting me again but he hopes the day does come when that can happen and that's why hes' been on at me to get counselling, as it's our only hope, but in the meantime he is staying away. I can't deal with that, that isn't helping how I feel at all. I can't go through the next few weeks wondering if he is or isn't coming back, I don't think that's fair to any of us. I personally think he's only doing it so I keep the baby, and then when it gets to a point where I have to keep it, he will leave for good. I feel so guilty about even thinking about Termination, it would be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I don't honestly know what to do for the best anymore, I'm so confused

Sorry for the rant guys. x

 

[Squeakz]

hey srry you're having such a crappy time atm. it might sound horrible but if your ex can't believe you or wont support you then he needs to bugger off imo. When i found out i was pregnant it hit me really hard. we weren't trying adn was told i couldn't have children without medical help. It was honestly the worst moemnt of my life. I got really depressed my moods were HORRENDOUS,. one moment i was laughing the next i was throwing my laptop around the room screaming at my oh smashing things up, threatening to throw myself downstairs, i was a MESS! We were considering a termination at one point and it didnt help the situation. I told my MW and she sent me to a community psychiatric nurse and things slowly started to pick up. Eventually my moods were easing up and now we have a 3.5 month old gorgeous boy. I thin kyou have to do what is right by you and your unborn child whatever that may be as ultimately you havve to live with the finall decision! i would recommend seeing a CPN if its at all possible! Hope things start to ease up for you, the last thing you need is all this stress!!

xxx

 

[KirstyL]

Thanks hun, that's a great help. I don't really want to lose him forever, but at the moment it seems I have no other choice. He asked me to get counselling, I did that. Now he's making more excuses. It just feels like every time I sort something, he throws something else at me. I don't need it at the moment, and I miss him lots. I just wish he could believe me that's all.
I can't help but think he is cutting off his nose to spite his face in a way, as he's adamant I'm lying to get him back, but he's going to miss so much of the baby if he stays away by being stubborn.

I will definately speak to my MW about the CPN, I didn't even know about that, but I don't see her again until the latter part of Feb, I don't think my sanity will hold out until then
At least its good to realise I'm not alone in all of this though and that other people have gone through it and come out smiling on the other side.
x

 

[Squeakz]

its a horrible situation to be in. id leave yuor oh be, get yourself sorted for you and the lo then when its all starting to lok a little more optimistic with you then you an have a clear open minded choice as to what you do regarding him. ultimately hes going to be missing out if he is just being stubborn. Id call your MW, in fact i had to get referred from a doctor as apparently my mw couldn'tdo it so i just went told him exactly how shiite i was feeling and that i had been thinking of chucking myself down the stairs etc and that i wanted to see a cpn (my mw told me how to ask for one lol)> My cpn even came to mine every week for 6 weeks after j was born to keep an eye out for pnd and now comes around every couple of weeks however hopefully shes gonna discharge me this week! honestly get yourself sorted first then think about oh!! Lemme know how u get on and im always about if you wanna chat! xx

 

[KirstyL]

Blimey, well I'm going back to the doctors on Monday night, so I'll ask about that then - i've never been to see the doctor as often as I'm going at the moment! It's a lot easier said than done to leave him alone, but I shall try. I know he wants to come to the Scan appointments and MW appointments with me, but I don't think that would be wise with things how they are at the moment.
When I was at the doctors yesterday actually, I did tell her exactly how I was feeling, including driving my car into the back of an Arctic Lorry, but all she did was make my counselling referral more urgent, still it's a start I suppose.
I really hope the next 6 months aren't going to be like this though, I'm meant to be happy at the moment I really appreciate your reply though, it's helped.
I'm sure we'll speak again
xx

 

[Sunnyb]

Not sure why your doctor won't prescribe anti-depressants. Prozac sounds harsh but is one of the safer anti-depressants that can be used during pregnancy, also another anti-depressant that can be considered during pregnancy is Bupropion. Some anti-depressants are safer during the first 2 trimesters & others should be avoided in the last trimester. What your doctor needs to consider is by not prescribing them will it put you & baby at risk? I know when I got post natal depression I could not be bothered to eat & was breastfeeding, so it was important to lift my mood to help me look after myself. My husband packed his bags & was going to leave as he said I was unbearable & not the person he fell in love with. 4 & a half years on & we're still together. I had cognitive behavioural therapy which helped me to cope with the multitude of issues I had & last year I came off the Prozac (yey!)
I was concerned about falling pregnant whilst taking Prozac (Fluoxetine is it's other name) & my doctor said is was one of the safest one's to use during pregnancy.
I hope you get things sorted for yourself initially & that the rest will fall into place for you. Looking back I know I was a nightmare to live with & can't blame my hubby for wanting to leave! If you've never been depressed then it's hard to understand what it's like. Men in particular are not good with emotions, so give it time.
Again if you want to chat, just PM me.

Sunnyb xxx

 

[KellyHook]

sorry your having such a hard time of it! hopefully things will start to pick up for you.... just noticed your from peterborough, where abouts? x

 

[amandapanda]

Hang in there hun and get the help you need. I've suffered from very serious depression in the past and had a real wobbly patch during tri 1, when I thought everyone was against me, was paranoid and couldn't stop crying, but thankfully I kind of came out of it naturally as my hormones settled around 14 weeks. It sounds like your ex is being very insensitive and has very little understanding of depression...it is more than 'being moody', it is a serious illness that can be life threatening if not treated. Having depression is so hard anyway, let alone when you are pregnant and have been abandoned by your partner when you need them most! Well done for recognising that you need help...I really hope you get some now. All the best hun xxx

 

[KirstyL]

Hi Sunnyb - thanks a lot for your post. Everything that everyone has said has made a lot of sense to me. I think I am going to speak to my doc again on Monday and ask to seriously consider anti depressants, now I know some are safe for use. I have just entered Tri 2, so hopefully will be okay, as you say.
Re my ex, In a way, I don't blame him leaving, I have been truly awful, but I wish he could have stuck around for me. He does a lot of "talking about feelings" and I have always struggled with that, but beginning to learn that talking does solve a lot of problems. I just wish he would understand that I'm not using depression as an excuse for anything else, it's something I feel I have no control over. I know I need to nip it in the bud now though, as I want to try and enjoy being pregnant, not worrying and sad constantly.xx

 

[KirstyL]

Hi Kelly, I didn't even notice you are as well! I currently live in Gunthorpe, what about you?
x

 

[KirstyL]

Hang in there hun and get the help you need. I've suffered from very serious depression in the past and had a real wobbly patch during tri 1, when I thought everyone was against me, was paranoid and couldn't stop crying, but thankfully I kind of came out of it naturally as my hormones settled around 14 weeks. It sounds like your ex is being very insensitive and has very little understanding of depression...it is more than 'being moody', it is a serious illness that can be life threatening if not treated. Having depression is so hard anyway, let alone when you are pregnant and have been abandoned by your partner when you need them most! Well done for recognising that you need help...I really hope you get some now. All the best hun xxx

Hey amanda, trust me, I'm trying! It's hard sometimes that's all. Well I think the hardest part was me admitting to myself that I need help, but that's done now, and I'm on the right track hopefully. I've been through the paranoid thing too, it's really not pleasent Well hopefully as I'm almost at 14 weeks, I'll start to settle too soon. My ex I think, just doesn't understand. He thinks I'm just being difficult and argumentative, he doesn't seem to realise that I don't think I can control it at the moment, I wish I could. I hate feeling down and moody all the time. I keep hoping he'll come back, but I don't think he will now. He told me earlier that he only said the stuff about us trying again once I'd seen the counsellor, was so that I kept the baby and didn't get rid of it - not that I could now - but I think that's disgusting, that he could have kept stringing me along with false hope, until I got to a point where I had to have it, no matter what I do love this little person, don't get me wrong, I could never hurt it now. xx

 

[KellyHook]

Orton Goldhay! x

 

[Smithy1980]

Hi Kirsty

I was just reading your post and had to reply. I too have suffered in the past with serious depression and like Sunnyb went for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I cannot recommend it enough. I have had depression several times and its the worse feeling. For me, anti-depressents never worked, they used to make me feel terrible, so as a final straw I went for CBT, it honestly was the best thing I could have done. Even now when I feel myself slipping, the theory behind it all brings me back...sounds corny but it really is something you can use forever.

I really wish you and your bean all the best and I hope you get sorted really soon

**Big Hugs**

Ali xxx

 

[KirstyL]

Hi Ali,
Thanks for letting me know, I have never heard of CBT, so when I'm back in the doctors this evening, I'll ask him about it, see what he says. TBH I just feel like giving up
I'm convinced I can feel LO moving, but I'm only 14 weeks, so surely that isn't possible?! Was having a texting conversation with my ex over the weekend, and all I got was "I need time and space to realise what I need to do, without you pushing me or trying to make me do something I'm not ready to do and not wanting to do", so basically now, he has cut all contact with me It's really hard, there hasn't been a day since we've been together where we haven't spoken, and now I'm pregnant, and "not allowed" to have contact with him. I just wish he would understand. He also said this isn't his fault, not sure where the gets the idea I can make a baby by myself from?!
I'm at that stage now, where I think I should have the baby, but not put his name on the birth certificate, I don't know what he can do, or whether he can see the baby? I also know it isn't the right thing to do, I'm just so fed up and upset, I'm angry.
Anyway, thanks for listening as always!
xx

 

[Squeakz]

hey hun, id just leave your oh to be honest. he seems like hes not worth the time or day. How did the docs go? However with the b/c, personally i think its important for your child to know who her father is and to have both names on the birth certificate. I don't think its nice to let her not have a full b/c because of feelings between the parents and if she knows who he is and lets her down than she can make her own judgments on him. I think if you're putting a fathers name on the bc though he needs to be there with you. and so if he cba to show up then you have no other choice but to get it without but i dont think you should go out of your way to keep him from being on it, if you get me?? I know its a bit of a far out opinion and ultimately you realy do need to do what you feel is appropriate and its a long way off yet. I would say make sure your ex knows about every scan MW appt etc. You dont have to talk to him abotu anything regarding you however i feel you should do everything you can to try and involve him otherwise he could easily turn around in however long and say 'well i wanted to do these things but i was never told about them'. I also think that you should make a anote of any messge yousend him regarding her with what it says etc so you can document it exactly!! Hope your ok hun!! You dont need him i your life, you're gonna be an awesome mummy!! xx

 

[KirstyL]

Aww thanks hunni, that's so lovely, I know the stuff I said about keeping him off the BC was a bit harsh, but I'm angry at the moment and want to hurt him, the way he's hurting me, but I know that isn't really the way to do things. I'm not a nasty person, regardless of what he thinks of me If I'm honest, I miss him more than anything and don't really want him to miss anything, like I mentioned, I'm sure I can feel it moving, but also sure it's too early!

I haven't seen the doctor yet, I am not in until 5:10 this evening, but will update you once I've been. So I'm asking about CPN and CBT yeah...I'm not gonna have any time left to worry about anything else, with all the counselling sessions and what not I'm going to need to do!!

Hope you're doing okay anyway
xx

 

[KirstyL]

Just thought I'd update you all
Was back in docs on Monday evening, he's getting increasingly worried about me, cause all I seem to be doing is crying! He still doesn't want to put me on anti d's - isn't at all happy, as says it can cause birth defects etc. He has however faxed an urgent letter to the counsellor and yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, have to say I'm impressed, considering this is the NHS we're talking about! The counsellor lady was lovely, said the doctor had told her I am having suicidal thoughts, and that I have a 10 year old and am 14 weeks pregnant, she just wanted to know if it was true, and why stopped me from driving my car into a lorry the other day. I said I wasn't bothered about myself, but it wouldn't have been fair on my daughter, the baby or my mum (as we lost my dad a year ago last week). Anyway, she has made an appointment for me for Friday morning.

As far as my other half goes, he text me yesterday to say he will come over and see me tonight, but just because he's coming round, doesn't mean anything has changed, and he doesn't know how he will feel. I guess it's a start, although he says it isn't....if it isn't a start though, I don't see the point of him coming round, but anyway, we'll see!
xx




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[Squeakz]

oh im so glad its sgetting sorted hun you deserve it. dont let your ex mess with your head ok. if he wants to meet up with you but think your gonna have to make an ultimatum for him. he either sticks with you through this or he doesnt. no messing about etc. it dont mean he cant be involvedwith the little one but you cant let him mess you about! x

 

[KirstyL]

Hi Squeakz
Yeah finally, just a shame it came to this tbh.
As for him coming over, he has just text and said the only reason he is coming over is because I'm having his baby, and if I wasn't, then he wouldn't be. Well I guess that tells me all I needed to know doesn't it.
At the moment I feel like saying if he can't support me with the baby now, then he can't see or support the baby when it's here either Flipping men! I just really hate the idea of him meeting someone new and her being involved in my baby's life, it was never meant to be that way.
x

 

[Squeakz]

men are soo funny sometimes! i mean i spose it does tell you everything you need to know and i suppose it is an indicator he will support your lo which cnt be too much of a bad thing but i dont understand what he actually wants to come over for :S x