Mama Mol
New Member
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2021
- Messages
- 3
- Reaction score
- 2
37 weeks pregnant, dealing with self-esteem issues and reassurance in relationship
This is my first thread on MumsNet, I have typed all this out once already however it vanished once I posted it and I really want to put all of this out there as I'm facing problems that are really dragging me down and it's taking a toll.
Basically, I am 23 and I'm 37 weeks pregnant (today in-fact) and my weight gain is very apparent now, I have been with my boyfriend for years now and I have always been a size 8 and slim looking. I'm not sure whether or not its because I have always been a slim build that makes people deem they can regularly make comments about my weight but it is really getting to my self-esteem now as I have always struggled with self-image before falling pregnant. I don't mind comments such as "wow your bump is huge" etc that's fine, but people have made comments about how much my face has filled out and how its gotten bigger, my mam told me how "my arms are getting fatter and I'm filling out" around 12 weeks pregnant and also tried to say she thinks I'm defiantly 5 months because I'm "huge". This is my first baby and I've never had my body change so drastically and so much my thighs feel and look tripled in size and are covered in stretch marks as is the under of my stomach, I'm mostly insecure about about my chin which has fattened up (also been pointed out to me, as well as my boyfriend telling me to "love my chin" as a joke but it really bothers me).
Anyway moving on slightly, I had a maternity shoot done with my boyfriend, and I posted one of the photos and I was so happy with the image and liked how I looked in the picture but a friend left a comment underneath stating "by you ain't half put the weight on since I last saw you, all for the right reasons though". This really upset me, partly because I didn't think I looked "big" in the picture and I wasn't aware that's what people got from the image which to me is showing I must've been seeing a different image as to what others are viewing.
This has really added to my anxiety because I already feel as though that if I go and meet up or run into a friend or somebody who hasn't seen me for a long while then they will notice the weight even more so than someone who see's me regularly and I feel very self-conscious about it and because I see my reflection everyday I feel like I don't know how drastic this change is to other people if that makes sense?
As you all know 37 weeks is an emotional and hormonal time, and I got really worked up over this comment last night and began crying thinking about the comment, my weight gain, new body etc and my boyfriend was more interested in looking at random uni things on his phone. I told him what was wrong and his response was "tell him to f%^k off and that you've gained weight because you're pregnant" and I said "well that doesn't make me feel any better does it" which then he proceeds to get moody and says "Well I don't know what you want me to do about it, you're being ridiculous, you need to grow a thicker skin and proceeds to say that he doesn't know any other woman who goes on like this" I then expressed how that other women at 37 weeks pregnant go through body issues and insecurity and just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean its okay for people to keep pointing out weight I've gained. he then responds with how "why people have commented about my weight and I always put weight on and off and you don't see me crying about it, and continues to tell me I'm acting like a "little girl" and I need to grow up and said "as Bob Dylan said but you break just like a little girl". My boyfriend is 38 and already has a child of his own, so I would of expected him to have more compassion and understanding to how I might be feeling at this stage in my pregnancy and try to understand and comfort me but instead he just had a complete lack of empathy. It was literally a matter of days ago he was over looking an article I was reading about how fathers can support there pregnant girlfriends and a section was on about our emotions at this time and good ways to respond. I felt bad about myself but in the end I felt even more worse with how he responded to me expressing my feelings.
Once his son had came up to bed I decided to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he did try to get me to stay in the bed but I wasn't having it, I will most likely sleep on the couch again tonight to be honest. Another thing mentioned from myself was that I wish he would just have the right thing to say sometimes and how i feel as though the love isn't the same. his response being "what are you on about, what do you want me to say, that you haven't gained weight? when you have? do you want me to lie to you and pretend?" I responding with how that's not what I meant, I am very aware of my weight, I just expected some form of reassurance from him to feel slightly better about myself but he couldn't even do that. I just felt completely mocked and he clearly didn't have any interest in trying to understand how I felt.
I'm close to my due date now and I am really worried that our relationship is taking a toll, we don't really speak to each other these days, he is very driven and obsesses with uni/work... where I appreciate that he is trying to do well for himself/family he consumes himself in it to the point where if he's speaking he's only discussing his course and jobs he can do far in the future, he is never fully in a moment with me, his head is constantly in his phone and laptop or he is worrying about his course, to the point where he has worked out by the percentage to what he needs to get the grade he wants. He NEVER has his brain switched off and I believe he has a form of OCD because i feel as though this obsession with his work isn't healthy. His family have also suspected OCD because he's been like this for a long time and goes through different phases of things and has many a "dream". I worry that he won't make time to bond with our baby or will find it very stressful too. I feel like 88% percent of him is always else where and he never appears to want to be present with me and I feel he has no interest in talking to me or being in the moment with me. He will have a full day with his head in work mode and we will both climb into bed and he is straight on his phone looking at more work stuff, he doesn't even look my way.
I feel as though if it wasn't for the fact I'm pregnant with our son he probably wouldn't want this anymore, but because I am heavily pregnant I won't really know or receive the truth of this because he isn't the type of man who will leave me when I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And I feel as though he would be worried about the judgement that he would feel if he did this which is another reason why he is sticking in this relationship.
I just know that he isn't attracted to me anymore and the affection is at a very low minimum if there at all. He never kisses me, the love is just not the same, where I was under the impression pregnancy brings out more love from you both, I just feel like the further into my pregnancy the more distant he seems in terms to affection and passion.
We don't really have much of a sex life, I do understand there's not a lot you can do at this stage of pregnancy however we have sex maybe once or twice a month which doesn't seem normal or healthy at our age in my opinion. I used to have a good level of confidence in the bedroom and our sex life now I'm the opposite I struggle feeling comfortable with eye contact and find myself hiding myself more and more, as I just don't feel desirable or sexy to him in the slightest, it always feels like I'm something he could "take or leave" it never feels like he really wants me and there isn't any passion, or eager excitement, it's just like I said he can take it or leave it, he just doesn't seem that interested. I know it sounds awful, but it can feel like I'm somewhere to "dispose" rather than someone he would actually want to have sex with. He looks at other women quite a fair bit when he's out with me I'm good at ignoring it 99% of the time now but I notice that other peoples boyfriends don't really do this, and it adds to my feels that its just that fact he has no desirable attraction towards me. He never really pays me any compliments even when I've got my makeup done for an occasion and put money and effort into looking nice for when we're going out somewhere or even just a general compliment. I'm lucky if I receive a single text from him when we're out working all day which can be from 7am until 10:30pm.
I don't know what to do, I'm really sad and lack a lot of reassurance in my relationship and my gut is telling me that the only reason this is working is because of the baby on the way, but I'm 100% certain he isn't attracted to this relationship anymore and lacks the desire that once was there.
He is wonderful in many ways and wants to work hard for his family, but there is more to love than just that, empathy, passion, and understanding to me are key for a relationship to survive. I just wish he could be the person who can say the right things and even make me feel 2% happier rather than worse.
I don't know what I expect to receive from posting this, but It's nice to have joined something where I can express how I'm feeling without judgement.
This is my first thread on MumsNet, I have typed all this out once already however it vanished once I posted it and I really want to put all of this out there as I'm facing problems that are really dragging me down and it's taking a toll.
Basically, I am 23 and I'm 37 weeks pregnant (today in-fact) and my weight gain is very apparent now, I have been with my boyfriend for years now and I have always been a size 8 and slim looking. I'm not sure whether or not its because I have always been a slim build that makes people deem they can regularly make comments about my weight but it is really getting to my self-esteem now as I have always struggled with self-image before falling pregnant. I don't mind comments such as "wow your bump is huge" etc that's fine, but people have made comments about how much my face has filled out and how its gotten bigger, my mam told me how "my arms are getting fatter and I'm filling out" around 12 weeks pregnant and also tried to say she thinks I'm defiantly 5 months because I'm "huge". This is my first baby and I've never had my body change so drastically and so much my thighs feel and look tripled in size and are covered in stretch marks as is the under of my stomach, I'm mostly insecure about about my chin which has fattened up (also been pointed out to me, as well as my boyfriend telling me to "love my chin" as a joke but it really bothers me).
Anyway moving on slightly, I had a maternity shoot done with my boyfriend, and I posted one of the photos and I was so happy with the image and liked how I looked in the picture but a friend left a comment underneath stating "by you ain't half put the weight on since I last saw you, all for the right reasons though". This really upset me, partly because I didn't think I looked "big" in the picture and I wasn't aware that's what people got from the image which to me is showing I must've been seeing a different image as to what others are viewing.
This has really added to my anxiety because I already feel as though that if I go and meet up or run into a friend or somebody who hasn't seen me for a long while then they will notice the weight even more so than someone who see's me regularly and I feel very self-conscious about it and because I see my reflection everyday I feel like I don't know how drastic this change is to other people if that makes sense?
As you all know 37 weeks is an emotional and hormonal time, and I got really worked up over this comment last night and began crying thinking about the comment, my weight gain, new body etc and my boyfriend was more interested in looking at random uni things on his phone. I told him what was wrong and his response was "tell him to f%^k off and that you've gained weight because you're pregnant" and I said "well that doesn't make me feel any better does it" which then he proceeds to get moody and says "Well I don't know what you want me to do about it, you're being ridiculous, you need to grow a thicker skin and proceeds to say that he doesn't know any other woman who goes on like this" I then expressed how that other women at 37 weeks pregnant go through body issues and insecurity and just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean its okay for people to keep pointing out weight I've gained. he then responds with how "why people have commented about my weight and I always put weight on and off and you don't see me crying about it, and continues to tell me I'm acting like a "little girl" and I need to grow up and said "as Bob Dylan said but you break just like a little girl". My boyfriend is 38 and already has a child of his own, so I would of expected him to have more compassion and understanding to how I might be feeling at this stage in my pregnancy and try to understand and comfort me but instead he just had a complete lack of empathy. It was literally a matter of days ago he was over looking an article I was reading about how fathers can support there pregnant girlfriends and a section was on about our emotions at this time and good ways to respond. I felt bad about myself but in the end I felt even more worse with how he responded to me expressing my feelings.
Once his son had came up to bed I decided to go downstairs to sleep on the sofa, he did try to get me to stay in the bed but I wasn't having it, I will most likely sleep on the couch again tonight to be honest. Another thing mentioned from myself was that I wish he would just have the right thing to say sometimes and how i feel as though the love isn't the same. his response being "what are you on about, what do you want me to say, that you haven't gained weight? when you have? do you want me to lie to you and pretend?" I responding with how that's not what I meant, I am very aware of my weight, I just expected some form of reassurance from him to feel slightly better about myself but he couldn't even do that. I just felt completely mocked and he clearly didn't have any interest in trying to understand how I felt.
I'm close to my due date now and I am really worried that our relationship is taking a toll, we don't really speak to each other these days, he is very driven and obsesses with uni/work... where I appreciate that he is trying to do well for himself/family he consumes himself in it to the point where if he's speaking he's only discussing his course and jobs he can do far in the future, he is never fully in a moment with me, his head is constantly in his phone and laptop or he is worrying about his course, to the point where he has worked out by the percentage to what he needs to get the grade he wants. He NEVER has his brain switched off and I believe he has a form of OCD because i feel as though this obsession with his work isn't healthy. His family have also suspected OCD because he's been like this for a long time and goes through different phases of things and has many a "dream". I worry that he won't make time to bond with our baby or will find it very stressful too. I feel like 88% percent of him is always else where and he never appears to want to be present with me and I feel he has no interest in talking to me or being in the moment with me. He will have a full day with his head in work mode and we will both climb into bed and he is straight on his phone looking at more work stuff, he doesn't even look my way.
I feel as though if it wasn't for the fact I'm pregnant with our son he probably wouldn't want this anymore, but because I am heavily pregnant I won't really know or receive the truth of this because he isn't the type of man who will leave me when I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And I feel as though he would be worried about the judgement that he would feel if he did this which is another reason why he is sticking in this relationship.
I just know that he isn't attracted to me anymore and the affection is at a very low minimum if there at all. He never kisses me, the love is just not the same, where I was under the impression pregnancy brings out more love from you both, I just feel like the further into my pregnancy the more distant he seems in terms to affection and passion.
We don't really have much of a sex life, I do understand there's not a lot you can do at this stage of pregnancy however we have sex maybe once or twice a month which doesn't seem normal or healthy at our age in my opinion. I used to have a good level of confidence in the bedroom and our sex life now I'm the opposite I struggle feeling comfortable with eye contact and find myself hiding myself more and more, as I just don't feel desirable or sexy to him in the slightest, it always feels like I'm something he could "take or leave" it never feels like he really wants me and there isn't any passion, or eager excitement, it's just like I said he can take it or leave it, he just doesn't seem that interested. I know it sounds awful, but it can feel like I'm somewhere to "dispose" rather than someone he would actually want to have sex with. He looks at other women quite a fair bit when he's out with me I'm good at ignoring it 99% of the time now but I notice that other peoples boyfriends don't really do this, and it adds to my feels that its just that fact he has no desirable attraction towards me. He never really pays me any compliments even when I've got my makeup done for an occasion and put money and effort into looking nice for when we're going out somewhere or even just a general compliment. I'm lucky if I receive a single text from him when we're out working all day which can be from 7am until 10:30pm.
I don't know what to do, I'm really sad and lack a lot of reassurance in my relationship and my gut is telling me that the only reason this is working is because of the baby on the way, but I'm 100% certain he isn't attracted to this relationship anymore and lacks the desire that once was there.
He is wonderful in many ways and wants to work hard for his family, but there is more to love than just that, empathy, passion, and understanding to me are key for a relationship to survive. I just wish he could be the person who can say the right things and even make me feel 2% happier rather than worse.
I don't know what I expect to receive from posting this, but It's nice to have joined something where I can express how I'm feeling without judgement.
