When will this end- its so unfair

[EllieC]

I dont want to just sit here and lick my wounds but I am now at a point that i just cannot see how it could ever get better. Nearly four years ago I had my daughter at 31 weeks and she was so sickly and we went through hell and back but we have a healthy daughter now who is the light of my life, after everything we went through i said no more children but in 2009 came round to the idea and decided we really did want another. So far we dont seem to have a problem falling pregnant- but 15 weeks pregnant i just didnt feel right like i had deflaited, but no other symptoms, a scan confirmed our daughter had died, i was induced and she was 2 years to the day (notdate) that our other daughter was born on. I fell to pieces . I later went on to have 2 early miscarriages and i was referred to a consultant. I then fell pregnant with our beautiful son, although a very clinical pregnancy i carried him to term at 38+2 when i was induced and i gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy, we had got there we had done it and he was perfect. Because of the diamorphine he was a bit sleepy and cold so they took him to scbu. He died a week later- from a virus they think- something that in adults is like a cold. he had no symptoms until the last 24 hours and then the last 12 the hospital realised something was drastically wrong as it attacked his heart. he was transfered to a childrens hospital but within hours he died and we were there as he died and they tried to resusitate. he was not at all sickly and it just seems so cruel after everything to have the son we so desperatly wanted only to have him taken from us by a bug. its so unfair and my heart is totally broken. my little girl is also devistated as is my husband, it feels like it takes every last bit of energy to live. I am so tiered.

 

[keljordan]

Oh Hun I don't know what to say didnt want to read and run, nobody should have to go through this it is just horrible I am so sorry for all you and your family have had to go through xxx lots and lots of hugs Been sent your way xxx

 

[EllieC]

thanks, i just needed to get it out. I guess i am panicing i am starting to sound like a stuck record as to how unfair this all is. To top it al we had his 12 week scan a year to date and time of the scan that confirmed our baby had died at 15 weeks and he was born on her due date(a year on) and died on our 5th wedding anniversary. Starting to feel a little cursed. But on the brightside my daughter keeps me busy and makes me laugh! thanks for the support x

 

[Maria1977]

Oh hun, I am so sorry for everything you have been through. There is only so much heartbreak a person can take. You must be a really strong woman because you are still standing after everything. I'm so sorry that I can't offer any advice or do anything to help, and there's nothing you can do but take one day at a time. xxxxx

 

[heartbroken]

Oh hun i am so sorry for your loss's.. If you have made it this far i know you will make it further.. I lost my baby boy at 35+6 wks, he was stillborn.. That was 8 1/2 months ago & my heart is broken.. If you ever want to chat privatly im here to lend an ear xx

 

[laurat]

Oh honey, im sosorry that you have had to go through so much heartache! I think you must just be so strong! No advice really but just wanted you to know that I wish you all the luck in your future. Keep letting your daughter make you smile!

 

[Young Mum 21 x]

im so sorry to read your story, you are truly brilliant and an inspiration!
wishing you all the best xxxxxx xx

 

[EllieC]

Thanks everyone for you kind thoughts, its nice to be able to speak /have responses from people who either understand or are not afraid, all family and friends are supportive but the death of any baby at any stage is still taboo I am still so proud of my son and still have that 'shout from the rooftop' feeling about telling people i have a son but then comes the awkward silence or the feeling that i am talking about him too much. I miss him so much. i also feel guilty because i really want to complete my familyand have a baby brother or sister for my daughter but non can replace and although i miss him terribly and im not ready yet i do think about another child and yet im terrified of...'what next?'!. Any ideas on this one and when would be a good time to start, i know several mothers who fell pregnant within a couple of months but i feel like i am betraying him.

 

[EllieC]

Oh hun i am so sorry for your loss's.. If you have made it this far i know you will make it further.. I lost my baby boy at 35+6 wks, he was stillborn.. That was 8 1/2 months ago & my heart is broken.. If you ever want to chat privatly im here to lend an ear xx

I am sorry to hear of you loss and heartbreak I dont think you ever forget them or get over it but life does move on I guess. thanks for the support and for that offer i may well take you up on it! x