What on Earth is Wrong with me? :(

[dooeyona]

Just because people don't agree with you or express themselves differently it doesn't necessarily make them cruel or nasty. You see it time and time again on forums like this, people get labels flung at them. I haven't seen anybody being cruel or nasty on this thread. I'm not denying that it was probably difficult to admit not feeling relief at the scan but someone else reading something emotive like that is entitled to feel offended or shocked and to express that if that's how they feel. That's not being nasty, it's being honest...just like Kitty was being honest.
Out of interest, I wonder how kitty would have responded to a post like this before she became pregnant...not favourably I'm guessing. That would have been her opinion and her being honest at that time and it highlights why it's important to think before you criticise. I'm sure nobody sets out to post something cruel and cause upset to anybody else. We all bring different experiences, circumstances and opinions to this forum which is what makes it such a great place. It's often it's downfall too though. Please don't label somebody as nasty, cruel, a bully etc etc just because they don't agree with what you think is the correct way to handle something or the correct thing to say.

 

[Sprout]

Just because people don't agree with you or express themselves differently it doesn't necessarily make them cruel or nasty. You see it time and time again on forums like this, people get labels flung at them. I haven't seen anybody being cruel or nasty on this thread. I'm not denying that it was probably difficult to admit not feeling relief at the scan but someone else reading something emotive like that is entitled to feel offended or shocked and to express that if that's how they feel. That's not being nasty, it's being honest...just like Kitty was being honest.
Out of interest, I wonder how kitty would have responded to a post like this before she became pregnant...not favourably I'm guessing. That would have been her opinion and her being honest at that time and it highlights why it's important to think before you criticise. I'm sure nobody sets out to post something cruel and cause upset to anybody else. We all bring different experiences, circumstances and opinions to this forum which is what makes it such a great place. It's often it's downfall too though. Please don't label somebody as nasty, cruel, a bully etc etc just because they don't agree with what you think is the correct way to handle something or the correct thing to say.

But you must understand that it's not necessary to be totally honest if what you're saying isn't constructive or is likely to cause hurt to someone who is already hurting? It's fair enough to say that you think those feelings aren't normal and she ought to seek help, but to say that her thoughts have offended you or that you can't believe she would think that is not constructive nor kind.

Oh, and before you call me out for saying those comments were cruel, the reason I said that is because personally, if I had been hurt by them, it would help me not to take them on board so much if someone were to validate that by also finding them to be cruel.

Just because a person has an opinion on something does not mean it needs to be said.

 

[kittykitchn]

I've tried to slowly read through all of the comments. Even though some of them hurt (I'm sure not purposely), I completely take on board the specific comment of how would you (I) have reacted to someone saying they weren't relieved at the scan whilst TTCing. I wouldn't have understood it all. Which I HOPE, makes my fear and feeling not in control more understandable - because *I* don't understand it myself.

It took a lot of courage to write that first post. I wanted to be as honest as possible. I knew I'd get backlash - but I've also has some wonderful replies which I am truly thankful for.

I want to confirm, as badly as my first post came across, I did/do NOT wish harm on my baby. I WAS NOT unhappy that everything was okay. I cried, I grinned and I WAS relieved - just not to the extent that I assumed I would be. This is really important for me to reiterate. It's really difficult for me to explain.

I do feel head under water. But at no point have I said I do not want my baby. I feel numb, and depressed, and drowning.
At the moment I don't feel I can come back on here and read certain comments, I now feel a lot worse to be totally honest (I obviously was aware that having a baby whilst already depressed was potentially not a brilliant idea - but anyone that has TTC for a long time, will know depression gets worse BECAUSE of this. I've suffered with depression since I was 8). I need to get myself through it, and in all honestly, not be told that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place.

 

[Holi]

Kitty everything will be fine but i really think you should speak to your midwife. Bring scared and nervous is completely normal but to be on safe side I would express your feelings to a professional. They are not there to judge, but to help.

When I fell pregnant with my lg I felt a mix of emotions. I've never admitted this to anyone before but at one point i was lying awake (for the 7th night in a row worrying!) I remember feeling like I wished I wasn't pregnant - not that i wanted any harm come to my baby but I just wanted a pause button! Very strange and I hated it - I just hated the worry and anxiety pregnancy had brought with it. I think I started to feel better and more confident and excited when I spoke to other mums/pregnant friends after announcing and they reminded me how amazing it was going to be! After that I loved ever second of being pregnant! I think it's the fear of the unknown but I promise you will be fine! Better than fine, you will feel complete!

With this pregnancy I've got excited from the get go, because I know how truly amazing it all is.

Big hugs xx

 

[dooeyona]

This is a public forum where people come to discuss and share opinions. I don't agree that people should only do this if they agree with the op or if they want to mollycoddle. For me personally, the best approach when I was suicidally depressed was a reality check and a kick up the arse. The 'there, there' comments that would be considered 'kind' weren't helpful and if I only got them, I'd probably not be here. My point being, what one person might find helpful or constructive, another may not which is why I personally think that a range of opinions are far better than a load of people agreeing and tiptoeing carefully around the issue. I'm sure everyone on here is capable of taking the advice they find helpful and skipping past what they don't. If you can't cope with a range of opinions without taking anything too personally, maybe it's best not to post on a public forum about extremely emotive subjects. Like I said before though, I haven't seen anybody post anything that looks like they did so with the intention of causing hurt.

 

[dooeyona]

Kitty, try not to take anything you don't find helpful personally. You said you got some wonderful responses which is great...skim past the rest. Don't get bogged down with what other people think if it isn't helpful to you. Like I said before, whether you find my approach helpful or not, it doesn't detract from the fact that what you're experiencing is scary, confusing and horrible. If you only take one thing from what I've said and ignore the rest, please please please go and speak to someone asap. Don't leave it for 2 weeks.

 

[Sprout]

This is a public forum where people come to discuss and share opinions. I don't agree that people should only do this if they agree with the op or if they want to mollycoddle. For me personally, the best approach when I was suicidally depressed was a reality check and a kick up the arse. The 'there, there' comments that would be considered 'kind' weren't helpful and if I only got them, I'd probably not be here. My point being, what one person might find helpful or constructive, another may not which is why I personally think that a range of opinions are far better than a load of people agreeing and tiptoeing carefully around the issue. I'm sure everyone on here is capable of taking the advice they find helpful and skipping past what they don't. If you can't cope with a range of opinions without taking anything too personally, maybe it's best not to post on a public forum about extremely emotive subjects. Like I said before though, I haven't seen anybody post anything that looks like they did so with the intention of causing hurt.

I regret calling people (rather than comments) cruel and I apologise for that. I do understand that it's important to have various different views to fully help someone when they ask for it. However, I do think that those comments I consider "kinder" aren't agreeing with or tiptoeing around the issue and that it's perfectly possible to give people a "reality check" in a way which won't come across as hurtful necessarily

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

*takes a deep breath*
I'll try and keep this simple kitty to avoid your head exploding. They say not to judge unless you have walked in someone's shoes. Well I have and still am so here goes.
I have bipolar very well managed but after losing my baby in the second tri I decided the next go I would stop all medication with the support of my doctors. Oh wow. I will add here that my surgery has loads of docs but only 2 I will see as even tho the others are clever well trained ect if I don't feel at ease they are therfore unless to me personally rather than totally.
The second I got that bfp I hit a meltdown of fear that after losing so many babies the same would happen again. The feelings that it would be easier if I wasn't pregnant crept in cos after all it can't hurt if I wasn't. It's a way of protecting yourself from being hurt. You try so hard to get a baby the are so scared when you do. My pregnancy was well supported (don't hold back be honest) I wanted my baby so much but I was terrified of it all the entire time. At 37 weeks I had a melt down and they delivered my baby all 8lb4 of perfection.
Lost where I was going with this but just want you to know your not alone feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
I suffered before during and after but I am a dam good mum. Don't ever feel like you shouldn't be one. Xxx

 

[lisa1985]

Am i depressed?
I cry most days.
Its so hard to smile,
Don't know why i feel this way.
Its hard to explain...
In my tummy there's a baby,
But in my heart there is pain.

There's no particular reason
For me to feel so low,
Maybe its stress or worry,
I just don't know.

I feel guilty about it,
Cos I should be sooo happy..
For this baby i've so desperately wanted
But i cant let go
Of this grief that's taken hold
Of my mind and my soul.
And through it all
I feel utterly alone.

Nobody understands me,
To them Im just a nuisance.
My feelings are disregarded
As selfish and inconvenient.

Im scared that my sadness
Might be harming my baby.
How can i be so careless
And not put an end to these feelings.
If only i knew how...
If only there was an "off" button..
To shut down my mind
And end all my anxieties.

Like "was it me that caused his talipes?"
"Is it something that i did?"
"Does my husband really love me?"
"Or does he think im so pathetic?"

Will i ever feel better?
Is it possible to heal
From this hurt that is overpowering
My entire being.

From the moment that I wake
To the moment that I sleep,
And even in between
Im feeling these things...
Does anyone know what i mean? :'(

Found this on babycentre forum and fits with everything you are saying you feel. I almost though it may have been you writing it on another forum?

I am sorry for the way you feel right now, hormones will not be helping. You need to see a doctor as soon as you can for some help before it becomes unbearable for you.

I understand why there are mixed views on this post and being on a forum it is what you have to expect, does not matter how honest you are, some people will not always agree, but others will be supportive. The bit about not being relieved that everything was ok at scan, that would have upset all those ladies and there will be a lot of them, that have suffered losses and been told at their EPU scans that ''there is no heartbeat'' I have been there myself and it is truly devastating. I have also been through fertility struggles like yourself and even when I finally got my BFP I was so happy, yet totally filled with anxiety. But now at 30 weeks I feel so lucky to have this miracle growing inside me, I still have daily worries like money, will my relationship be ok, stretchmarks and weight gain, stillbirth, prem labour etc, but no matter what this baby still feels like a miracle.

Don't give up on this forum Kitty, but just be aware of mixed views and take them all on board. xxx

 

[BunnyN]

Just wanted to send hugs kitty.

I don't think telling the truth or having a different opinion is an excuse for being rude or insensitive. Using tact and common politeness doesn't have to be the same as being overly soft. However on a public forum it can be easy for posts to come accross wrong to another person. It is hard to get the full meaning without being infront of a person and seing their expresion and hearing their tone of voice and without knowing their personality. On the whole I think people were just trying to be helpful but I would have found some of the comments hurtful too, just try to take the good from them.

It does seem that you are in a bad place and need some help so I think people are worried about that. I didn't see anything about your post that says you want to hurt yourself or your baby. Some people seem to have read that into what you said which is why I think the poster who made the comment about being careful what you say to your GP meant. If you had thoughts about hurting the baby etc its important that you are honest about them but if you don't make that clear to your doctor too. Not being relieved after the scan is quite different. That sounds like you were feeling numb and feel bad that you were not more excited by the scan. If it had been bad news it doent mean that you would not have found that devistating I think it is common to be disturbed by not feeling how you thought you would about pregnancy. Some of it is that we have high expectations about what we will feel like and it isn't always like that. Exaustion, sickness, worry about things going wrong, worry about how you will cope with pregnancy, birth and a new little person to look after topped by raging hormones are common problems. If you add that to mental health problems it is a lot to cope with but with the right help and support you won't feel like this forever.

I sympathise with you wanting to see a doctor that is helpful. I have seen doctors in the past that I would never go back to. I have been given very bad advice by some doctors, to the point that if I followed it it could have killed me. Thankfully I've also seen doctors who were more helpful. Doctors may have training and experience but they are still human and have weaknesses and make mistakes. Finding one that you can work with is important. Just don't put off getting help for too long because of it.

 

[dooeyona]

Nobody said that telling the truth or having a different opinion is an excuse for being rude or insensitive. Nor did anybody say that using tact and being polite equates being overly soft. I think the point had been entirely missed here.
Like I said before, I haven't seen anybody on here being rude or insensitive. As per what's already been said, it's hard to gauge a person's tone and even their point sometimes from a written piece of communication. Perhaps some people are just too sensitive to what they perceive to be negative comments or they care too much about the opinions of people who realistically, shouldn't matter that much. Take what's helpful to you and skim past the rest. If you're going to write about an emotive subject on a forum where people have experienced a range of circumstances, I think it's realistic to expect a range of responses and they're not all going to be what you want to hear. It doesn't make those people, rude, nasty, insensitive, cruel, bullies etc etc etc. The labelling needs to stop...pot kettle black and all that jazz!

 

[BunnyN]

Maybe you didnt understand my post dooeyona. I'll try to explain better. I didn't call any one a name. I said I think people are trying to help. I just meant that there is no need to be rude or blunt on purpose in the name of truth but its hard to tell on a forum when it is on purpose or when it is miscommunication. Sometimes people can be overly blunt without realising and I have done it myself before. I try to learn to put it in a more tactful way the next time. Some posters made very direct comments in a kindly way. Kitty did say she found some posts upsetting. She has been called bloody fussy told her post was offensive and that she wanted to harm the baby. I would have found those things upsetting too and wanted to acknowledge that to her but I do think people are just trying to help. I sympathize with the ladies who have suffered loss or infertility and think kitty has made it clear that she does too. She isn't feeling the way she does to offend others but is dealing with emotional issues. It doesn't really help someone with PND for example to be told that they should just be happy that their baby is okay. They need help and support to get better.

 

[FebMum2Be]

Going to keep this short and sweet. You need to see a doctor ASAP and get a plan in place ASAP regarding your mental health. It's nothing to be ashamed of but it needs sorted. I think the thing that upset me with the post was the not feeling relieved part. If I had read that after losing my little one in 2013 it would have angered me so much. I can understand why it upset people. This is your baby and you're it's mummy, the only one it will ever have, it is overwhelming and I tell you the more they grow the crazier it gets BUT you take it as it comes and enjoy the ride. I hope things work out for you x

 

[sammielou]

Hi Kitty.

I was diagnosed with depression in July and went onto anti-depressants. This was after 18 months of TTC. Doctor said I absolutely should not get pregnant on them. I was gutted. As I'd sunk deeper and deeper into depression I'd gotten all ravelled up and thought that getting pregnant would make EVERYTHING better. We agreed, and I painfully accepted, that TTC would stop for at least 6 months.

I settled on the meds. I started to feel.... not better... but more stable. Less emotional, more motivated to do things. Then I accidentally got pregnant. I've come off the meds, my anxiety that they might harm the baby would outdo the good they do me. Only now I'm tired ALL the time. I have no motivation. I'm miserable again. Is this because of pregnancy hormones? Or is this the depression? Is it both? I'm terrified I'm being an awful mother already by concieving when I said just three months ago that I wasn't fit for this. I'm equally terrified that I'll miscarry. I'm desperate to hang on to this pregnancy but also convinced I can't handle it. Honestly, I'm in a real mess. But I'm seeing healthcare professionals. The four people (beyond hubby) I've told about my pregnancy are four people who also know my mental state. They were all delighted for me and offered their unconditional support.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in my rambling way, is that help is out there for you. Seek it. All the healthcare professionals will treat the situation you are in, not judge you for how you arrived there. It is safe for you to talk to them honestly about your feelings and your fears. They just want what is best for you. When I went into my GP and told him I'd done exactly what we agreed I wouldn't do, his first word was, "Congratulations." I cried, a lot, said I didn't think I could handle this. He said, "Don't worry, we'll work it out." And we are. We are treating my depression with the best interests of both myself and the raspberry-sized new life growing inside of me at heart. You aren't alone, Kitty.

 

[russellmuscle]

Ok so I didn't know this post existed until a little while ago when I found out that perhaps the reason you might not have been on was the above.

Ill be open and honest as I (usually)always am. First of all I have sat reading through post after post, saying not being nasty, not meaning to be offensive not not not but actually the tone that some you are giving off is judgemental/rude - and I actually agree with the posts that Kitty needs to speak to someone regarding her feelings, so its not that I have "biased" feelings.

I also think that every pregnancy, every feeling, every emotion is completely differing from person to person - so yes we all have an opinion, its not us therefore I don't feel that we should be here to give her a lecture. She is an adult, she will make up her own mind and no amount of pushing will help. It may work for some of you, but guess what none of you are the OP. How can you say that you felt the blunt approach to have worked well so that's what your giving as if it may have the same affect - actually being frank, blunt and too honest with people who has severe anxiety and especially when involving something she has went through so much for isnt really helping? Police officers don't approach a suicidal person at the edge of a building saying "you know what? just jump! how dare you be ungrateful for a life that so many people didnt get the chance to have" That doesnt happen because its not always the best approach.

I do get that Kitty is completely lost in faith with her GP, I have moved so many times, our last family GP (who has actually been my grans, mums and OHs family Dr for years, diagnosed bacterial meningitis as VERTIGO. Obviously completely different situ, but since nearly losing OH at the cost of a misdiagnosis and then again 2 misdiagnosis' which resulted in my son being took into hospital means now when I phone or go to a GP whether its a locum or my own, I have no faith, and I work for the NHS for doctors and I still just have no trust in them so telling someone not to be fussy is a bit by the by, when trust is misused its very hard to get that back - whether the person has a doctorate or not.

Aside from all this Kitty, I know you've not been on your journal since but have been online but you do need to speak to someone in a safe enviroment, whether that's a different GP, MV, Nurse or even a councilor for the sake of your health and your baby's. Well done for being so brave to have been so honest and accept "judgement" I hope you get the help you need and I hope you really start to enjoy your pregnancy as you should. Hopefully you mentioned your GP is back and you can see them but I really hope your ok. I certainly dont judge you for being honest which is more than a lot of people can say seeing life through a computer screen.

Wishing you well.

xxxx

 

[BunnyN]

I hope you are okay Kitty.

 

[mcparn]

Thinking of you, Kitty xx