What on Earth is Wrong with me? :(

[Baby2sky]

Hi hun. I had the exact same feelings with my last pregnancy. I hate to think about it all now but i had no excitement, no bond, no real love. I was so worried about what life would be like and in the early days, everyday was a struggle.

I didnt actually get any help for how i was feeling and things gradually got better, although i never had much excitement or really even thought much about my baby. However, once he was born oh my God the love i felt was indescribeable. I was so so worried the whole pregnancy about whether i would love him, but i neednt have worried. And im certain the same will happen for you... Whether during pregnancy, at birth, or later down the line.

Ante natal depression is a really difficult thing to suffer with. It takes away a womans ability to feel joy at what should be the happiest time in her life. If you do need to.speak to someone and your gp is away can you contact your midwife? I know my midwife has access to specialist midwifes who provide support specifically suffering with ante natal depression.

Good luck hun. Youre certainly not alone in feeling this way, its actually more common than people realise. Its just still seen as a "taboo" thing to admit to xxx

 

[kittykitchn]

You really should see whoever is available. And I don't think all the other available gps are useless. Go and seek help asap. It's important to keep yourself and especially baby healthy. When it comes to mental health and pregnancy you can't be bloody fussy

Really don't appreciate that. I've been at that surgery for 4 years and have seen all seven GPs through chronic illnesses over that time. I'm glad YOU don't think they're useless - really helpful.


I haven't registered with the midwife yet - I actually need to change surgeries before doing that as I've moved house and my current doctor is 2 buses away. It's very inconvenient and was hoping to start fresh at a new surgery, even if it means leaving my lovely doctor. Id like to stay with her until things are a little better and I feel up for moving on.

 

[twinkle90]

Don't appreciate some help? Or advice like others are trying to give you. Do you really think they would be in that profession if all 7 are 'useless'. If it's that bad then you would seek help regardless, it'll just get worse.

 

[charlene09]

I know I'll regret this in the morning, but I have to get it off my chest. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, and I'm well aware of my journey to get here which makes me even more frightened of the way I'm feeling.

My anxiety is sky high. Not about the baby, but for myself. I suffer from depression and it feels like it's getting worse daily.

It feels like a dark cloud is over me. I don't want to go out, go to work, do Anything, I don't want to get up in the morning. I really assumed as soon as I got pregnant the happiness switch would be turned on - why do I feel worse?

I'm not happy in the slightest. If anything, I feel regretful that it's happened. How can this be? I feel like every day that passes is a day into something I can't get out of.
What if this doesn't change? What if I can't be happy? Can't love my baby or bond with it? I currently don't feel any attachment, just negative thoughts. Even at the early scan last week, I wasn't relieved that everything was fine - and I'm SO sorry for saying that.

I tried to talk to my husband about how Im feeling and he just didn't get it, said this is what I wanted and I should be happy. It'll all change soon once I get a bump ect - but this is what he expected me to feel like.

How do I know I've done the right thing? Perhaps I *thought* I wanted a baby more than anything, but was wrong.

The thought of writing in my pregnancy journal or carrying on with my baby blanket makes me feel sick. What the hell is wrong with me?

Someone please tell me this is just hormones playing silly games and these feelings will stop. I'm so scared of how I'm feeling. Absolutely not in control of my mind or body.

I am going to sound really blunt here but one thing you said that I took massive offence too "I wasn't relieved that everything was fine" then afterwards I am so sorry for saying that.
To be fair if you was sorry for saying that you wouldn't have put that, that is a very serious and scary thought for a mother to be I think. Have you ever thought maybe you suffered with depression pre-pregnancy and thought that this was going to solve everything being pregnant?, because that's what it sounds like to me.
I do believe you need to go to your GP and speak with him/her and tell him EXACTLY what feelings you have before they get worse than they already are, I don't believe a mother should think like that if they are stable.

I don't know I sound blunt but i needed to get that off my chest as this thread hurt

 

[Tigger87]

Twinkle your tone and use of words aren't particularly helpful in this thread. I'm sure you don't mean to offend, but someone in kitty's situation doesn't need to be spoken down to and made she's not doing the best for her baby. She is. Mental health issues are more complicated than you might realise and I think, Kitty, you've received some very helpful and useful advice from others so try to take them onboard and ignore the less patient ones! Xx

 

[twinkle90]

I just mentioned what others have said, go and seek help. Regardless whether Kitty thinks her gps are useless. It's a serious situation and she needs to speak to someone. For the sake of her child! Yet I'm the one being called out about it.

 

[carli91]

I think if someone has mental issues to start with having a child isn't going to help at all until they are under control. I'm sorry kitty but you have wanted a child badly for so long and you said when you had your scan that you weren't relieved when everything was ok. I can't believe a woman who has gone through all that heartache every month for 18 months can actually say something like that

 

[Baby2sky]

I dont think its fair for people who obviously (thankfully) havent experienced ante natal depression to start throwing in their opinion. Its not going to help kitty, only make a sad situation worse. Not feeling relief isnt akin to not wanting her child, or for everything to be ok with the pregnancy. She may be numb to all emotions atm as a result of the depression. That doesnt mean that she wants something to go wrong, more she doesnt know how, or cant allow herself to feel any emotion towards the pregnancy.

 

[Toni.C]

Hi Kitty,

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Having followed some of your journal I know how desperate you were to have a baby.

I can't understand how you are feeling.

Is there anyone else you can talk to whilst you GP is away? These irrational thoughts and feelings need to be sorted now before they seriously affect yours and your baby's health.

You e had some really great advice and support from the ladies here. I think even the negative comments, they are very worried about you and your baby.

Please seek professional support as soon as you feel able.

Thinking of you x

 

[babyslog]

I dont think ppl r being horrible or giving nasty opinions.

They r just agreeing that seeing a dr asap is best...

I think we r just concerned!!

 

[twinkle90]

I don't think it's fair for people to speak of others not experiencing ante/post natal depression. Most of us have depression, anxiety and other issues, so yes we understand a little. I don't think it's fair having a fussy atitude over what gp you see.

 

[Emily0505]

I dont think its fair for people who obviously (thankfully) havent experienced ante natal depression to start throwing in their opinion. Its not going to help kitty, only make a sad situation worse. Not feeling relief isnt akin to not wanting her child, or for everything to be ok with the pregnancy. She may be numb to all emotions atm as a result of the depression. That doesnt mean that she wants something to go wrong, more she doesnt know how, or cant allow herself to feel any emotion towards the pregnancy.

I think that's a little unfair.

I've never had ante natal depression but that doesn't make my opinion invalid.

Kitty obviously is in a very low place and needs to seek help. That is what everyone has said to her and they are right. Leaving it 2 weeks while waiting for a specific gp could do much harm and her mood could sink further. Judging by kitty's previous posts feelings of depression aren't anything new and have been going on untreated for too long already.

Kitty, don't leave it any longer. Go and see a doctor and then book in with your preferred gp when she is back. What you are feeling isn't normal; not to this extent. Go and see a doctor.

XX

 

[first_time_mum]

I think a lot of comments on here are actually uncalled for, it's probably taken kitty a lot of courage to say this on here. Sometimes now I feel shit scared about having 2 children and think what have I done but then I feel thankful that I am.

Kitty's emotions and hormones are probably all over the place which doesn't help when you have depression already. She has taken the first big step in saying exactly how she feels. I agree with kitty that some GP's are useless, at my surgery they are the same, you get some really helpful ones and then some that don't listen to you and basically make you feel like you are wasting thier time.

Kitty I hope you start to feel a bit better soon and then you can enjoy your long awaited pregnancy xx

 

[rachyboo]

Hiya Kitty

I am about 20 weeks pregnancy and have had depression in the past, 4 weeks ago my gp started me on an antidepressant to help as the anxieties about my pregnancy recommenced and my mood dipped unfortunately I couldn't keep the antidepressant down it made me violently sick and I had a horrendous headache for 5 days for which I just slept and slept but it took ages to shift. My gp then referred me to let's talk which is a counselling service in our area which should help me talk through how I'm feeling. I really think a similar service should be available in your area and would be beneficial to you. I am a mental health nurse myself and it was so hard to come to terms with depression last year but it seems to be so much worse when your pregnant.

I remember how passionate you was about getting pregnant to the extreme you avoided one forum as it upset you so much to read about those who were successful with varied timing/miscarriages/physical health issues etc but now you are pregnant and there are still ppl struggling so desperate for a child like you was for so long. Maybe think back to how you felt and look how far you have come. Look to your future with a gorgeous little baby boy or girl, the specual moments you will treasure.

I think cbt may really help you, and your really need to talk to someone soon. Someone you trust and get the help you need. Depression and anxiety impacts on you and baby maybe more than you realise.

Can I ask, have you been diagnosed in the past, have you been on treatment to help?

Please try and take all comments on board I'm sure everyone is just worried about you.

Rachel

 

[dooeyona]

Whilst I agree that someone in Kitty's position doesn't need to be spoken down to etc, I don't think anybody on here has done that. By the same token, someone in kitty's position definitely doesn't need to be mollycoddled and given a gentle nudge to seek help. In my opinion and experience, it's much more appropriate in a situation like this to be frank and direct. I don't think that what you're feeling is normal kitty, particularly when you've been on such a lengthy and painful ttc journey. Whilst hormones may play a role I don't think they can be held solely responsible for such extreme thoughts and feelings. The fact that you suffered with depression prior to becoming pregnant makes me think that even more. I don't think that the levels of stress and anxiety you are experiencing are good for your baby and I think that it's extremely important that you seek help ASAP even if this means seeing a GP that you wouldn't normally see. I don't think it would be right in a situation like this to wait it out for a fortnight. I'm not speaking as someone with no experience with depression/ anxiety so please don't assume I (or anyone else) is just 'throwing their opinion in'.

I would like to reiterate that I don't think anybody has been nasty or out of order on this thread. I just think it needs to be accepted that if you voice strong opinions about how people should be nothing but grateful and shouldn't complain about pregnancy etc and then you do exactly that when you become pregnant, people might be a bit surprised and depending on their personal experiences, maybe even take offence. This doesn't mean that people aren't there to support and help you though; it's maybe just a bit difficult for some people to get their head around a post like this from you considering the journey you've been on (and / or they've been on) and the strong opinions that have been expressed previously. That doesn't detract, however, from the fact that what you're experiencing and feeling is very real, scary and serious. I urge you to seek professional help urgently.

 

[rachyboo]

I just want to add you do need to maybe be a bit careful what you say to gp or professionals. If you repeat some of the things you have said on here they may think baby is at risk and I imagine you want to avoid being admitted to hospital for monitoring throughout your pregnancy and then mental health mother and baby unit when you have baby. One of my closest friends went through this and it was horrific. So unless you truly feel like harming your baby or like you don't want it don't say it. X

 

[Baby2sky]

Im not talking about the people talking about her seeing a gp, any gp. Im talking about the two replies that were specifically mentioning her comment regarding not feeling relief at the scan. It will have taken kitty enormous strength to admit that, and i dont think it fair for people to pick up on that.

 

[Emily0505]

I just want to add you do need to maybe be a bit careful what you say to gp or professionals. If you repeat some of the things you have said on here they may think baby is at risk and I imagine you want to avoid being admitted to hospital for monitoring throughout your pregnancy and then mental health mother and baby unit when you have baby. One of my closest friends went through this and it was horrific. So unless you truly feel like harming your baby or like you don't want it don't say it. X

I don't think you should censor yourself at all kitty.

Tell the gp exactly how you feel, no matter how bad it is.

They are there to help and support you and need all the information to do that properly.

XX

 

[Sprout]

Wow, some of these comments are just awful. I think it's incredibly brave to admit to not feeling relieved that everything was fine. It's not like that kind of feeling can be helped and she has made it clear that she feels sorry for feeling that. Why some of you feel the need to be so cruel when someone is asking for help, I don't know.

Anyway...
Personally I found the first trimester to be a very odd time. I didn't really believe I was pregnant until I started feeling the baby kick and didn't really bond until she was here. I also felt a slight resentment towards pregnancy for it making me feel so ill with morning sickness...

I imagine the fact that you tried for so long actually doesn't help either. Sometimes if we desperately want something for a long time, the reality can come as a bit of a shock. It's almost like because you've imagined and wanted it so much, once it happens it can feel a bit of a let down, even if it's still good, because you were expecting to feel incredible about it.

I definitely feel like it's worth talking to a professional though, even if you don't feel like the GPs you can see will help, it wouldn't hurt to try?

Try not to focus on how you're going to feel later, especially once your baby is here. Pregnancy is long and it's very likely that you will change how you feel. Just concentrate on everyday, as cliche as that sounds. Don't feel you need to feel this amazing bond right now, it's very early days. Just try to get your head around getting through the first trimester for now.

I really hope you feel better soon.

 

[Kay Kay]

I hope you don't mind me popping in kitty. I just want to offer you support and I hope you seek the help you need.

I was also a ltttc'r, it took almost 3 years to get my bfp and I was truly at the end if my rope. It was a lonely, torturous 33 months. When I got my bfp I was over the moon, I did have moments of waaahhh what have I done (what dani was saying), we all have concerns about will I be a good mum etc. But generally it was the happiest time of my life.

However once baby arrived I had a terrible case of the baby blues, looking back I reckon it was PND, albeit maybe a 'mild' case. The low feelings I had were scary esp as I have never had mental health issues before. I was just lost. What helped me was talking to my new mum friends. Eventually it lifted.

What I'm trying to say is, it is possible to be desperate for a baby and then feel depressed when it finally happens. There is a tremendous amount of guilt that comes with feeling so low when you have everything you ever dreamed of. To those who have never been through it, trust me you cannot judge until you have been there.

We need to support kitty, even if you can't understand her feelings it doesn't mean it's ok to come on here and make her feel worse.

Kitty I hope you continue to write down exactly how you feel without judgement and as Emily said, be honest with the doctor xxxx