way off topic but dont know where else to turn.

[PrettyFx]

I feel so down ladies, I just dont know who to turn to anymore. My husband and I are arguing all the time. We have been married for about 5 months, and I just feel like I don't want to be with him. We're muslim so a Divorce probably wouldnt go down very well, and I know my parents hearts would be broken as they advised me not to marry so young in the first place.

I just dont know what to do, I have tried everything, patience, understanding, communicating, none of it works. We don't belong together, I find myself longing for someone from my past, anyone else.

It is good at times, and when it is good, I honestly do think that I love him, but when its bad which is most of the time, I just dont know what to do.

Please help x

 

[kedi376]

Hey hun, I'm not sure I can help, but didn't want to read and run. I hope you are ok and sort something out soon. Take care xx

 

[star fish]

Talk to Relate. They do free marriage guidance and councelling and even offer special councellors that deal in arranged marriages and stuff, so maybe they can help you with the implications of being Muslim. You can talk to them on your own or as a couple.

To be honest you might just feel like this because of the time since you got married. About 6 months after our wedding we went through a really bad patch, arguing all the time and I thought we'd made a mistake. But then we moved past it, I'm not sure what it was but I remember a close friend going through it as well. Not sure if that is helpful in anyway, but just a suggestion that it might just be about finding new boundries and struggling to settle down with just each other. xx

 

[Princess81]

Have you tried talking to hubby? To tell him how you are feeling? I'm sorry I don't know anything about your religion at all but would your parents main concern not be your happiness? Xxx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi Pretty

Getting married is a huge stress. If you combine it with a number of other things (e.g. moving house, leaving uni, getting a new job) then you might think you can carry on as normal but actually it does affect you without you realising it. Could it be that you have both just undergone quite a bit of stress? The way your husband is reacting might also be a symptom of that (without him realising).

I have been married twice now, first time age 21 (split age 23) and recently almost 5 months ago. I think it is hard work, especially getting used to "the other" person's expectations of what function you play in his life.

Patterns are set early in relationships so while things are still early you may have the chance to change them.

However a friend of mine was saying the other day that if she heard that a recently-married person was already regretting their relationship, the only thing she'd care about was that person, that they were alright. Break-ups happen all the time & people accept them, but there is only one of you. Maybe your parents would be quite disappointed things didn't work out but at the end of the day they surely care most about you?

I hope it gets better

xx

 

[Sam's Mum]

I was going to suggest Relate too - I know a couple of people who have used them and said how helpful they were. As star fish said, it's actually surprisingly common for married couples to wonder whether or not they've done the right thing within the first year - was your relationship good before you got married though? Had you been together long? Does he know how you're feeling? x

 

[PrettyFx]

thanks ladies for all of your support. I have spoken to him on many ocassions. He "acknowledges" whats going wrong and says he will do his best to change, but I know he never will. I had thought before we got married that he may change, but he hasnt.

I know my parents would support me in the end IF i decided to divorce, and I also know how many people face these problems at the begining of marriages, I have seen it first hand with my sister.

He just has a really backwards mentality, which is making me question him, yesterday we were out to dinner and he mentioned that if we ever got divorced and we had kids, they would disappear before I could say the word divorce, meaning they would never be in my custody. I know i shouldnt take it seriously, because firstly, we have no kids yet, and secondly I am a law student so I fully know my rights, and what they would be if i was a mother, but it doesnt stop me thinking that deep down he is cruel.

Right now, knowing im upset, he is sat in the other room with his brother in law (his sisters husband) playing fifa! Is he for real? and earlier on! he allowed his brother in law to comment on our marriage, saying that I had a short fuse! is it any of his business? should he be allowed to say this about me?

im so confused, i feel so vulnerable, i need my parents, but i dont want to stress them out with this stuff, i know they wouldnt be on my side at the moment, because im probably being childish, but they have no idea how i feel.

i just feel like taking the car and going.

 

[Princess81]

You aren't childish Hun. I left my first husband after 5 months of marriage. My parents were devestated at first but supported me and they know it was for the best. You should talk to them, they will have your best interests at heart

 

[LouiseB]

Honestly, i think that if you ever feel like you love him, then it can still be worked out

If when he is good, you still don't think you love him - that is when to call it a day.

It does sound a little bit like you are over-sensitive. That isn't a critisism, but a possible issue with your relationship.

Me and my hubby say horrible things to each other, wicked things, but it is simply a sign that we aren't communicating very well about something and instead of taking offense - we talk about it. Maybe it'll kick off with an argument to speed up the communication process (lol) but when the dust settles we have an awareness and an action plan to sort it out.

If you brother-in-law says that you have a short fuse, sure it might not be his place to say, but it isn't necessarily inaccurate.

You husband must feel the same way or i feel he would have corrected him.

I think it is always good to ask why a lot if you don't like something. Not in confrontation, but to genuinely want to know the reason.

Why are you letting your brother-in-law say that about me?
Why would you say that to me about taking the children?

I would also ask you why your husband needs to do all the changing? You have to look to yourself for change, not him, and he needs to do the same.

 

[fruitcake]

Hope things improve for you x defo talk to your parents like the other ladies are saying i sure they would have ure best interests at heart!?
Could u go an visit them for the weekend an have a bit of space and time to you? Or discuss it with ure sister if she has experienced similar things?
Hope all works out for u x

 

[Sam's Mum]

You're not being childish at all! It doesn't sound as if he thinks that anything needs to change Would he be willing to go to Relate or somewhere similar with you? Maybe hearing someone else's view of your relationship will help him realise that he's only going to drive you away and make him more willing to make an effort - or make your decision easier if he's not willing to make any changes x

 

[dita_parlo]

Sorry you're feeling this way hun xxx IMO, a marriage should make you feel happy most of the time. Sure you have arguments and little disagreements, but I think the ratio should be something like 5 good times for every 1 bad. Of course you love him when he's good, it's easy to love somebody when times are going well, but I think the true test is whether you still love somebody even when times are bad. Me and my husband have had arguments and what not, but neither of us have ever thought we didn't love each other.

I think you should mention going to Relate together, I have heard really good reviews about it. I hope everything works out the way you want it to xxx

 

[mustard]

Oh sweetie I hope you and hubby can work things out if that's what you want and if it doesn't you then you have to do what is best for you. I'd definately recommended talking to relate or someone independent because while friends and family mean well, they will have their own agenda.

 

[cherrybinky]

Hey hunny. I agree with Louise B, why is it him that needs to change? You cant change someone else to make you love them or vice versa. If youre not suited thats that. Ive been married before and it lasted 4 years. I often wondered why we got married as we werent suited in lots of ways and we just went through the motions after a while and then we both agreed to call it a day. Im not a fan of 'Relate' or any other marriage guidance/counselling. I feel that if you cant sort out your own problems together then youre not meant to be. A 3rd person may see things different, suggest things but they cant mend you or your relationship imo.
Talking and communication are the key thing in a relationship to me and if thats not there then things will go wrong. Were not mind readers so talking things over is best.
You said there are good times and thats when you love him but I think that may sound like a slight excuse to convince yourself its ok because you also say its bad most of the time and you shouldnt be together.
Im a strong woman and dont hesitate to act on things so if it were me, Id pack some things, explain why Im going and just go. Take a break from it and tell him why or just split for good. Move on now, be happy 80% of the time with someone else instead of 10% of the time with him. You only get one life.
xx

 

[PrettyFx]

Hey ladies, thankyou all for your support. I do agree that I also need to change, the main reason we are arguing most of the time is because of our current living situation, ( i think i mentioned we have his sis, hubby and 2 kids living with us at the mo), it puts so much pressure on me, cooking, cleaning, everything. He doesnt see the things that i do.

Since we got married, I have done alot of the changing, I never wore Hijjab before (headscarf) then after the wedding I put it on, I have no problems wearing it, but it was a huge sacrifice, and maybe one that was too early for me, had i not got married, i probably would have waited untill i was slightly older. But as i say, i have no problems wearing it so i dont even know why im mentioning it.

I cook, I clean, I do the laundry, and he does help me here and there, he just doesnt see it when I have been cleaning all day, and doesnt see the big issue when I have come back from uni to make HIM dinner. He doesnt appreciate his dinner on the table as soon as he gets home. He is quite happy with me WAITING for him while he goes out with his friends. He farts and burps even though many times I have asked him not to and we have argued over it... I know thats pathetic! but Im really easily grossed out, and one fart can make me puke for the rest of the evening! It sounds ridiculous when Im reading what ive written, but its just how i feel.

I can see that he tries, but its just not what i want. He tries not to go out with his friends and go to the gym so often, but I see his alterior motives eg: he will say to me i will take you out during the day, then in the evening he will go out with his friends, then i know that the only reason he took me out was to ease his conscience about going out with his friends. As far as im concerned, I have left my parents and family for him, and he doesnt even enjoy spending time with me.

We;re so different, I enjoy reading, and talking about theatre, books, everything! and he is so quiet, but not quiet in a nice way, he honestly is like a mute, but when he goes out with his friends he has so much to say! I have tried takling about things that relate to him, but it just doesnt work. Hes so closed and wants me to be open, i just dont see how this is going to work.

My parents will obviously blame me, but I wouldnt go back there, if i was to leave i would probably run away somewhere to be honest... urgh!

it doesnt help that recently (since my period was 3 weeks late last month) I have so much pent up anger, I just want to scream and shout all the time, I know it doesnt help. I wonder if its PMS, it has gotten much worse since taking evening primrose oil, which is supposed to help!

im sorry for whining on about this, but i have no where else to turn to. I feel so lost and alone.

 

[cosmicgirl]

Awww hunnie, I really feel for you. I think you mentioned the headscarf because deep down it maybe wasn't the right time for you to wear it, I think you wouldn't have mentioned it if you weren't completely happy with it??? Maybe a trial separation would work? Some time to yourself to assess what you want for yourself xxxxx

 

[jomc]

Oh PrettyFX you poor thing. I'm not sure I have much advice for you ... only yuu know how you feel and if leaving/separating/giving it a try will make you happy.
I can only go on my own experience. I am 4 years into my marriage. Hubby and I have been together for 10 years. I lived in Ireland and he lived in the UK. For 5 years we commuted back and forth at the weekends. We then got engaged and for two years further we still commuted at weekends to see each other. Only 2 months before we got married did our situation change - I moved to the UK. It took this long because of my job etc as I was waiting for a transfer to my companys UK office. I moved in with hubby and his mum as he was living at home at the time. Unfortunately, his mum is ill with dementia but it was only just diagnosed at that stage. We moved out 3 months after we got married. And, OMG did I get the shock of my life. Suddenly I had to deal with my own house, a new job and suddenly living with himself 7 days a week. It has been extremely tough, even after 4 years. I often feel I come second in his life... his mum being first. I try to understand as she is not well and I think in the next year will prob be in full time care. However, everything we do in our life has to revolve around her and her care issues. This causes a huge amount of arguments and bad moods between us. The worst one lately being over something so stupid and him announcing that the next step for us, if I don't change, is divorce. I get quite a complex as our arguments are always over something I have done and involves him standing having a go at me for about half an hour to an hour and listing every single thing he hates about me. Not once have we had an arugument about something that has been his fault - its always me apologising. I think I let go of things alot more easily than him.
We take each day as it comes and I dont take anything for granted. While we could be having a fabulous day today being mad about each other, I know that another fight will be around the corner - like all couples.
It sounds to me like you need a break - and perhaps this will put things in perspective for him. He will realise that perhaps he shouldnt take you for granted. Perhaps he needs to see that his dinner and laundry etc wont be ready and waiting for him when he comes home in the evening. If there is someone you can go and stay with, maybe go to them even if its just for a couple of nights. Whatever you decide, I think you need to do it soon or else you will get stuck into a rut and nothing will ever change.
You need to do what makes you happy xxx

 

[zaymisa]

Hi im sorry to here about your problems sis, i to am Muslim so i see were you coming from.
Maybe try talking to your parents you never know they may support you, i hope your situation gets better xxx

 

[star fish]

Can I ask how old you are? There seems to be a lot of people telling you that you are being childish and a lot of grown up responsibilities on your shoulders. You only sound about 19 to me (I dont mean that in a patronising way) and I agree its too young to be stuck in a domestic situation (I'm ducking now as I know a lot of the younger members with start throwing things at me in outrage). Its just my opinion. I nearly got married at 19, now I'm so glad I didnt. I had a blast through my twenties, sharing a flat with mates and living life to the full. Now I'm very happily married because I waited til I was very sure (my parents had a messy divorce and it made me careful).

I dont want to suggest that age is everything to do with it, but it seems like you escaped into marriage from your parents and it would have been better to go it alone?

Big hugs, moan as much as you like, everyone here is so supportive, and I think its great that everyone offers a different perspective and different advice. xx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi Pretty

It sounds like you've made quite a lot of changes to your life to accommodate him and you feel he doesn't recognise these?

Also, maybe you are dealing with a shift in identities? (wearing the hijab illustrates this change, which is why you mention it)?

And, from the way you describe your life, it now seems to revolve a lot more now around him.

Is there anything you can do to change the situation you are in with his family, e.g. do you HAVE to do all the cooking, cleaning & so on? What would happen if you didn't?

And are there any hobbies or interests you have or used to have that you could pursue so that you get back some fun into your life, and also give your partner some breathing space? Do you have any friends you could meet up & do things with?

What I took from my first (failed) marriage is that (IMO) if you do everything/spend all your time together, it's kind of like two trees being planted too close together, they sort of end up strangling each other. But if you give each other just a bit of space, then you both can develop a lot more successfully. Sorry if that sounds a bit hippy.