Don't know where else to turn (TMI alert)

[Sahara]

I am sorry if this is TMI and I hope don't offend anyone, but since my Mum died I have no where else to go so I need to get this off my chest somewhere.

My partner has always had erection problems on and off. This doesn't just happen around the 'right time of ttc' it can be anytime so to speak, so its not just the pressure of ttc. He is OK during foreplay so I guess we mostly concentrate on that before we started ttc, but again now as soon as it gets to the important part he looses it. I love him dearly and we are getting so upset.

The Dr is useless say its just stress and stuff and relax, well what good is that. However hard you try not to get stressed over it you do. Esp if you are ttc. Perhpas we should stop ttc again, cos this month has been completely unsuccessful. I got my +ve on my ov kit yesterday (i didn' tell him to try and take the pressure off) he was feeling better from the flu as well and again it happened. wooosh down the loo goes this months egg. How on earth are we ever gonna conceive if this keeps happening. I mean what help is there for someone in our situaution. I dunno what to do

We even tried a small dose of viagra we managed to get hold of once (tut tut) and that didn't work.

I don't know what to do or where to turn and I know I keep adding to the problem by getting upset but I can't help it.

I guess you can take me off the Jan testing thread now cos it ain't gonna be this month

Sorry again if I have ofended anyone, I just con't stop crying at the moment.

 

[HannahD]

Oh sweetheart
I had a similar problem with my oh half (although not as consistent as it happens with you) when we first started trying. We'd get into the swing of things and then when it came to the end he just couldn't come, which would make him feel bad and me annoyed and then feeling guilty because I was annoyed. My husband will get so far sometimes and not be able to go any further because he goes beyond the stage of it being able to happen ~ is that the same for yours?

There is an awful lot of pressure to perform once you actively start ttc, especially for a man. I think you need to go back to doing it for fun as well as ttc. Don't let him know the times you ov, make it fun and non-clinical and the more you both can relax hopefully you'll hit it at the right time.

You could get your dr to refer your husband to an ED (erectile dysfunction) specialist as there maybe a reason this happens to him.

 

[waterlilie]

Oh hun i'm so sorry to hear that. I perfectly understand how you feel! the same thing happened to us twice since we started ttc, hubby was excited during foreplay and all but just when i started to get really excited he lost it. It was frustrating for both of us but the best thing is to take it easy and not stress him out otherwise he would start feeling guilty and that might put him off sex completely. You say this has always been the case and is not just related to ttc, does your hubby suffer from any medical condition such as a cardiovascular disease or diabetes? i read an article about erection problems and they said that these type of diseases can greatly affect erection..same thing is he has weight issues. Would be a good idea to have his diabetes and blood pressure checked. Once you are reassured his health is absolutely fine, you can help him overcome any psychological barriers he might be facing as i can't see any other reason for his erection problems tbh! why don't you try putting a bit of spice in your sexual life? do it in another bedroom, use different lighting, aromas and let him take full control of the situation sometimes all you need is a bit of fantasy to restore both your sexual energy!
Good luck hun and don't hesitate if you need to talk! that's what this place if for!!

 

[Sahara]

Thanks Hannah,

I thought people would think I was mad posting this, but I have no-one really to talk to at the mo. I have 2 really close friends, but they are also v. close to OH and I feel for that reason I don't want to talk to them about it. Normally I would be on the phone to Mum now.

He can get an erection, and we can have foreplay, but he can lose his erection and more or less most of the time when we try intercourse - it starts OK then it just droops, we can bring it back with some more foreplay but then it goes away again when we try sex.

Have been to doc and he says its stress blah blah blah.

I am now not going to mention anything about ttc and see what happens. Its just so frustrating, my Daughter was an accident and a fluke, cos he was having those problems then and we weren't ttc, I mucked my pills It was just one of the times it worked.

Thanks
Sarah

 

[buddabun]

I know very little about the subject but the fact that he can get (and sustain) an erection, coupled with the fact that viagra didn't work for him, might suggest it's psychological rather than a physical problem.

It doesn't necessarily mean it's the pressure of ttc... I'd keep at the doctor. Even if you weren't ttc it's something you need sorting at some point!

Here's a couple of websites I dug up... hope things get sorted quickly hon

http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/27000164/
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/diseases/facts/impotence.htm

 

[Sahara]

Thanks waterlilie - they are good suggestions. I am trying to get an appt at the doc again. No diabeties as far as I am aware. Will have to check blood pressure

He smokes and I have said all this to him but I don't want to add to his pressures. It so hard to know what to do for the best.

He is slightly overweight but can't exercise (he has no arms and is waiting on hip replacement) He is in alot of pain with his hip so we know that doesn't help. It just feels we have a mountain to climb. It has taken me a year to get to the stage of ttc#2 as I have had OCD for 18 months and of course not a good thing to have with a toddler and new born. I have worked my butt off to get this stage and now I feel there is yet another bloody problem.

I guess I feel angry as well cos his brother has 3 kids from 13 yrs to 20 yrs from previous marraige and he has now got himself a new girlfriend and she is now 3 months pregnant. I think why it should be me he has had his family its my turn now. Why is it so easy for him. I don't mean to sound selfish but it hurts. I just want our little family. He has had his and now he is going to get another. He just swans around, doesn't have much to do with his other kids. He walked away from that marraige with no maintenance to be paid for the kids or anything can't be bothered with the kids and now just cos he fancys another one he can. He has been with her 10 months. Me and my other half have been together 11 yrs. It just seems so unfair.

Sorry rant over now!!!


I think we shall try something romantic tonight.

Perhaps I can still catch that egg. +ve yesterday so I have 48hrs after that.

 

[buddabun]

Well hon he sounds like he has a lot on his plate! And you. I suffer from mild OCD myself and know how frustrating it can be so well done for getting to this stage

I'd keep pushing the doctor if I were you... Otherwise it will just sit there and build a wall between you.

And you're not selfish. I am still very bitter that everyone and his wife (or girlfriend of 4 weeks!) seem to be sprogged up. Due when I was due, having their second, having an unwanted child. You just can't win, everywhere you look there will be someone with babies/a bump/a perfect family. Just concentrate on you and how much you love each other and forget about those ungrateful people!!!

 

[Sahara]

Thanks for links Buddabun, and thanks for the links too.

It is frustrating, and I try so hard just to think about us and I hate envy its such an evil emotion. I guess I will get used to them all being preggers soon.

All a bit of a shock cos they all 3 announced it within 3 days of each other. LOL I suppose I should think at least I get cuddles without the sleepless nights and dirty nappies

Trying to get a doc appt at the mo - always bloody engaged!!!

 

[Sahara]

I am sorry to hear you suffer mildly from OCD its a nightmare. I had it from when Nicola was 4 months old. It was so bad I spent most days frozen!! How she ever got to eat anything I will never know. I am surpised my hands didn't fall off with all the handwashing!!!

But hey we are nearly there - just got to get over one more issue and I am not far off.

If you want any advice on how to tackle it or anything feel free to pm be only to pleased to help as I now how hard it can be sometimes

 

[trixipaws]

is he on any medication? particularly antidepressants- i have been on these several times and they make it near impossible to orgasm. its very frustrating! altho it wouldnt really matter if i didnt have one! idk if anti-d's have the same effect on men

i would be asking the doc for some therapy/meds. dont let them fob u off

 

[melissa5317]

I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you're having, hon. My dh had the same issue throughout pretty much the whole month of December, to the point where we didn't bother with foreplay b/c he wouldn't last long enough otherwise, and we ALWAYS had to bd in doggie style (how romantic, right?). Annoyingly, turns out that I didn't even ovulate when I thought I did so all it did was stress us both out for nothing! We both went over the Xmas period to have a reflexology treatment, and that has really helped us both de-stress, actually . We're both making an active effort to eat properly (well, I'm making that effort for him, really, b/c he doesn't cook most days ) and taking good multivits, and he's also taking korean ginseng which apparently is supposed to help in that area (his idea, not mine - I have no idea what it does). We haven't had the same issue since. I hope you're able to find the answer to your issue, but take comfort in the fact that you're definitely not alone!

 

[Sahara]

Thanks Melissa, what amount of ginseng does your dh take?

I have found some on the web and thought I might get some - also there is one that is combined with another herb that is supposed to help. Ginkgo Biloba.

See if it psycological it may help taking these - you know a bit like the placebo effect?

I hope so

He takes cocodamol for pain and some anti inflammitories at the mo - not sure about these really. They are to help with his hip pain.

 

[melissa5317]

Hi darlin. He only takes a pill a day most days b/c he's only home for dinner (have to be taken with food), but the recommended dosage is 1-2 pills three times a day with food. I have my dh up his dosage on the weekends where I know exactly when and how much he's eating (lord, I sound like a control freak, don't I? ).

Do you know what the side effects of the pain meds are? This might be part of the problem, bless him. Really hope you find a solution, sweetie.

 

[Sahara]

Thanks Melissa,

Not sure. We are going to make an appt to see the Doc again and see what he says. We are going to try again tonight so fingers crossed he will be OK.

I am going to order some the gingseng tablets and see what happens

As from next month ov is gonna be a big secret!!