Unplanned Happy Terrifying Crisis

[MaisieMoo]

I am early 40s with two teenage girls, separated but not yet divorced.

I am 6 weeks pregnant by my friend who is married - his wife lives in another country & they have no children, but would want to in the future.

I fell in love with him, but not him me - he loves his wife & was upfront about us not having a future.

I am pleased at the prospect of number 3, it's probably my last chance but;

My friend will want to abort because of the problems it will cause him
My estranged husband will be devestated
My family will disapprove

I am fearful health wise as I'm older & previously suffered with a mental health issue but with someone on side I would cope & do not really want to terminate.

I am worried however about the impact on the people I love.

Can anyone help?

 

[snowbee]

I would suggest some counselling and talking through your options with someone impartial.

Don't feel guilty, it took two to tango. He made his bed now he must lay in it.

You of course don't have to tell anyone who the father is either.

As you are separated from your husband it isn't like you have cheated on him. You say he will be devastated but if he would feel that way does he still wish to be married and in a relationship with you?

Ultimately it comes down to doing what you will regret the least. What will you look back and wish you had done in a few years time? I find it helps to look at things this way. Good luck in your decision making.

 

[honeybear]

ultimately the decision will always lie with you as you have to live with it nobody else. there is plenty of help and support out there available although it may not seem it.

regards to your previous husband if you have been separated it will be nothing to do with him, maybe he hopes for a reconciliation?
regards to the babies dad, he had had his cake and eaten it and althoug may have made no future clear, he also did a job in making the baby so may wish to be given the option to be involved after all he has been unfaithful to his wife so I would question his intentions too.

I hope you sort it x

 

[Papermoon]

The decision is ultimately up to you. Do what YOU want most, do NOT make this decision based on how and what others think or will think. The baby's father knew there was a chance this could happen when he chose to cheat on his wife, so don't base your decision on how he may feel. He made his bed now he has to live with the consequences. So don't make your decision by trying to protect him. Like others said, what will you regret doing the most. I personally would keep the baby, no one has to know who the father is except the father. Just let him know what your decision is and give him the opportunity to be a part of the baby's life. If he chooses to have nothing to do with it because of his wife, then so be it. But this is YOUR child, choose the decision YOU want most. Remember no matter what choice you make, he has already chosen to stay with his wife, so do what makes YOU happiest. I would keep the baby. Please keep the baby.

 

[Pambi]

Your body, your baby, your decision. Can you bring up a baby/child in a warm, loving environment and do you have the means to do so?

Whatever feelings other people have about the situation (father / friend / family / ex husband) they are temporary but the decision you make will last the rest of your life. It may well be the scandal of the year but you are human, you are allowed to make mistakes, people will get over it.

Unrequited love does horrible things to the mind. Try to stay rational and think of what is best for you and baby.

 

[MaisieMoo]

Thank you - this was the view I took immediately I found out. Then Was thinking if it was selfish & started to consider the implications for my kids, my family, his family etc

My husband did want to reconcile but I think this is now unlikely - he will just be so hurt.

I also have to consider that I will be in my 50s when the baby is 10 and I'm already finding it hard to wake up at just 6 weeks. Also if I was to get ill again I'm on my own.

 

[Papermoon]

Don't worry Maisiemoo, I pretty much slept through my whole first trimester. It will get better. I have much more energy now and feel much better. Don't worry about how old you'll be when he/she is 10 yrs old. As long as the child has a loving home, your age doesn't matter. Age is just a number. Don't make decisions based on what people will think or how things will look. Do what makes you happy. Since the beginning of time, grandparents have stepped in at our age to raise their grandchildren when unfortunate things happened to the child's parents. So if you could/would raise your grandchild then you can raise your child. Don't worry about what people will say.

 

[Sparklegirl]

Congratulations- it may not have been the conventional expectation of pregnancy but baby had other plans! My dad was 42 when I was born and at 77 now we are just as close as we were when I was a little girl. As others have said, do what is right for you and the fact the title you chose had the word happy in there, that came from somewhere within you.

The father not only cheated on his wife but presumably he failed to use a condom so I am afraid there is little sympathy to be had for his plight. He cant dictate an abortion for you, dont make his life easy by choosing that just to make things better for him- dont get me wrong I am not saying keep it purely to spite him but it is you who has to go through the physical, emotional and mental hardships of an abortion not him so he wont care as long as his little secret is kept.

It might not have been how you planned it but you seem keen to keep the baby so go for it, if you are able to give baby all it needs then have it. The family dont need to know who the father is as long as he does and can decide his level of involvement. Are your teenagers at the upper limit and old enough to be able to help you if they are out of school? I would speak to a midwife, possibly a doctor or counsellor just for some support for yourself. Bottom line is, you want it, dont abort it as I can see how that would have quite a detrimental affect on your mental health if its not something you feel really strongly about doing yourself for the reasons which are right for you

Both my parents were older when they had me, it took them 19 years to have me so try not to focus too much on age

 

[MaisieMoo]

Hello again,

I spoke to Marie Stopes this morning about counseling - they did offer this but advised me to try BPAS first as then it is available on the NHS.

I've booked a telephone appointment with BPAS tonight although I'm not sure how much is counseling and how much is consultation, so we shall see.

I'm so torn, as age wise it's last chance but it will certainly turn my life on its head

Thank you x

 

[Pambi]

Hello again,

I spoke to Marie Stopes this morning about counseling - they did offer this but advised me to try BPAS first as then it is available on the NHS.

I've booked a telephone appointment with BPAS tonight although I'm not sure how much is counseling and how much is consultation, so we shall see.

I'm so torn, as age wise it's last chance but it will certainly turn my life on its head

Thank you x

So glad you are accessing support. Sending you positive vibes and strength for whatever decision you make.

 

[MaisieMoo]

Hello

I've had two Marie stopes sessions now and another booked for next week. The same problem remains I want to be clear in my head of what I want to do before I speak to dad, I know I have to remove the judgement remove other people and make a decision based on what I want.

I just do not know what I want. In a day I can swing from going ahead to that being the most ridiculous idea imaginable.

I do now know what I want - how do I find out?

 

[Papermoon]

Hi Maisie. I say go ahead with the pregnancy, then if you change your mind you can put the baby up for adoption. But if you choose the other thing, it can't be undone if you change your mind. It might bother you and you might regret it and it can't be undone. If you have the baby and feel like you don't want it you can put him or her up for adoption. Having the baby gives you more options as well as more time to make a decision. There are plenty of people who would be happy to adopt a newborn baby if you decide you don't want him or her.