Struggling

[Loubalouba]

I don't know where to post this but I feel I need some sort of support right now.. I am really struggling today, this tww has got me so emotional and I can't help thinking that this is too much too soon... One min I feel hopeful then the next convinced it has not worked and that's on top of the constant ache and longing for Harrison.. Not sure I can handle this..

Went to a family bbcue today with my brother and his 3 children, first time we have seen them since Harrison died, we should have been there with Harrison, his cousins getting to know him, all happy and excited and yet there we were with no children and probably not pregnant either yet again.. Then on the way home my hubby says he refuses to think about Harrison and him being there etc because why put yourself through it... So I said so you are just going to pretend he did not exist.. Then he starts asking why am I so desperate to be pregnant again because I need to deal with what has happened and another baby won't change that.. But I need to do something to help with this pain?? Or maybe I am not dealing with it and trying to get pregnant is making things worse? Thank god we have counselling tomorrow but I feeli need it now when I feel and think these things..

Sorry I just need somewhere to vent this but it consumes me otherwise..

I dread to think how I wil be if this cycle fails..

Lou xx

 

[lisey]

Firstly I am sending you hugs xx

I am sure counselling will help both of you. Grief is so complex and everyone goes through it differently. I have tried blocking things out before but it does catch up with you in the end.
Does your hubby talk about Harrison often? Maybe he deals with the loss my keeping it all inside and you need to talk? I am sure counselling will help with it all.
Through each of my losses, I have been desperate to be pregnant again and I have read the same from so many, I think it's normal. It's not to replace or take away the pain but a yearning.
I really hope this cycle has worked for you and I am keeping everything crossed for you xx

 

[kaypee]

No idea what to say, but just to let you know thinking about you. Hope counselling helps tomorrow...what about writing things down to help at the session? So sorry x

 

[Clementine]

Lou I am so sorry you are having such a rough time, grief is so tough, I'm really glad to hear you have a counseling session, good counseling should help as it should help normalize the feelings you have. I totally understand your desire to have another baby and I also understand the practical approach your OH is taking, men are wired differently and they like to be able to come up with a clear cut solution to most problems, so if something upsets them they avoid thinking about it and probably he's worried that he does want to put you through anymore pain and he now associates pregnancy with the loss of your little boy & the grief you both now feel. But each pregnancy is totally unique so hopefully your OH realizes that having another baby doesn't lessen the grief but it does give you hope for the future & I do think a new baby would help to heal your heartxxx look after yourself

 

[snowbee]

Big hugs Lou. I agree with the others, people do deal with grief in different ways and it can be hard finding what works for you both.

I can see your husbands point, he doesn't want to torture himself by thinking this should have been happening and instead thinks this has happened so I'll deal with it. I don't think it means he wants to forget Harrison ever existed. I also see why you would love to be pregnant again, having another child won't in any way replace Harrison and it won't make his loss any easier but having another child to love will make your loss less raw. Such a difficult situation for you both, I'm pleased you are having counselling and I hope that you can both find a way to cope together.

 

[ClaireDoll]

Slightly different perspective Hun but here goes, my sister in law lost her baby a week after he was born. We held him in our arms as he passed away, it was absolutely heartbreaking and knowing the effect it had on the family I could never imagine how she feels herself, it must be 10x harder. She talks about him often and writes his name in birthday cards etc, the rest of us feel a bit awkward with this and sometimes it can get a bit much and she gets upset with us but everyone remembers him in different ways we just don't necessarily show it the way she wants us to. Just because we don't maybe speak about him in the present tense all the time doesn't mean we don't remember him or think about him in our own way. Personally I like to go to the grave to speak to him quietly by myself, my husband will do anything not to go to the grave but goes to psychics to talk to him, something I would never consider and don't believe in. what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is it maybe appears your husband or others don't care as much as you do but we all have different levels of dealing with things and I don't doubt he loves Harrison just as much as you do he is probably just struggling with Thinking about it differently to you. There's no right and wrong, and it's lovely that you are both staying strong together and doing the counselling. You'll get there, it's such a hard thing to go through x

 

[phonixgirl]

Big hugs.

I agree with the others. If it was me, I'd definitely want to remember him as my baby and I'd find it so, so difficult. I can't imagine what you're going through.

It's nowhere near the same but I would've been about 5 weeks when I had my chemical. I was really upset but DH saw it as never really being pregnant in the first place. Yet when his cousin had an ectopic at 6 weeks, he was first at the hospital, talking about 'the baby' etc. I think they find it easier to help them cope that way. Then it was him to said to stop treatment because he can't cope with the disappointment... I think they just bottle everything up but are as upset as us.

DH also lost his brother a few years ago (again, not the same). He thought he was ready to go back to work straight away and so he did. He seemed ok for a few months, pretending nothing had happened, but then he had a breakdown. He was off work for a couple of months and was a different man.

My point is that grief does show itself in different ways, and it can take a while to come out fully.

You will both know when the time is ready to try again. I know why you want to do it nownownow - I think I'd be the same - but there's no rush. Maybe you could talk about it in counselling? I hope you get somewhere and I hope you get a little brother or sister for Harrison when you're both ready. Xxx

 

[Loubalouba]

Firstly I am sending you hugs xx

I am sure counselling will help both of you. Grief is so complex and everyone goes through it differently. I have tried blocking things out before but it does catch up with you in the end.
Does your hubby talk about Harrison often? Maybe he deals with the loss my keeping it all inside and you need to talk? I am sure counselling will help with it all.
Through each of my losses, I have been desperate to be pregnant again and I have read the same from so many, I think it's normal. It's not to replace or take away the pain but a yearning.
I really hope this cycle has worked for you and I am keeping everything crossed for you xx

Thank u Hun xx
No he does not talk about him much at all, he is trying to be strong for me and he deals with it by not dwelling on it or going over it.. We have talked about it more today with the counsellor and it helped to see it from each other's eyes..
Yes lots of people on the sands forum are desperate to be pregnant again, I am just terrified of going through disappointment on top of grieving but I have to try! Feeling a bit better since appt, just need to get through the next few days and see what they bring.. When did you first notice symptoms and what sort of symptoms did you have at the earliest? I keep thinking I am imagining things.. I am just so scared and that's why I am not sure I am ready but then maybe I would be like this in 6 months anyway!? I know everyone struggles in the tww.

How are u feeling?

Lou xx

 

[Loubalouba]

No idea what to say, but just to let you know thinking about you. Hope counselling helps tomorrow...what about writing things down to help at the session? So sorry x

Thank you xx

I wrote things down and everything I wrote down we covered so that was good.

Lou X

 

[Loubalouba]

Lou I am so sorry you are having such a rough time, grief is so tough, I'm really glad to hear you have a counseling session, good counseling should help as it should help normalize the feelings you have. I totally understand your desire to have another baby and I also understand the practical approach your OH is taking, men are wired differently and they like to be able to come up with a clear cut solution to most problems, so if something upsets them they avoid thinking about it and probably he's worried that he does want to put you through anymore pain and he now associates pregnancy with the loss of your little boy & the grief you both now feel. But each pregnancy is totally unique so hopefully your OH realizes that having another baby doesn't lessen the grief but it does give you hope for the future & I do think a new baby would help to heal your heartxxx look after yourself

Thank you clementine xx
Yes they are wired completely different! The session today helped us to talk about how we both felt and so it helped to see it from each other's eyes..
I just hope we manage to get pregnant soon because I am so emotionally drained with TTC! The battle of that on top of losing Harrison is too much at the moment and this TWW is horrendous!

How are you doing?? Xxx

 

[Loubalouba]

Big hugs Lou. I agree with the others, people do deal with grief in different ways and it can be hard finding what works for you both.

I can see your husbands point, he doesn't want to torture himself by thinking this should have been happening and instead thinks this has happened so I'll deal with it. I don't think it means he wants to forget Harrison ever existed. I also see why you would love to be pregnant again, having another child won't in any way replace Harrison and it won't make his loss any easier but having another child to love will make your loss less raw. Such a difficult situation for you both, I'm pleased you are having counselling and I hope that you can both find a way to cope together.

Thanks snowbee, yes I can see his point too it's just the lack of emotion from him I struggle with but I understand he is a man! Today helped us to both set time aside to talk about it honestly and openly so I think it will help..

How are u feeling?? I am 🙏🙏🙏 this little one is here to stay for u! I am so happy for u xx

 

[Loubalouba]

Slightly different perspective Hun but here goes, my sister in law lost her baby a week after he was born. We held him in our arms as he passed away, it was absolutely heartbreaking and knowing the effect it had on the family I could never imagine how she feels herself, it must be 10x harder. She talks about him often and writes his name in birthday cards etc, the rest of us feel a bit awkward with this and sometimes it can get a bit much and she gets upset with us but everyone remembers him in different ways we just don't necessarily show it the way she wants us to. Just because we don't maybe speak about him in the present tense all the time doesn't mean we don't remember him or think about him in our own way. Personally I like to go to the grave to speak to him quietly by myself, my husband will do anything not to go to the grave but goes to psychics to talk to him, something I would never consider and don't believe in. what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is it maybe appears your husband or others don't care as much as you do but we all have different levels of dealing with things and I don't doubt he loves Harrison just as much as you do he is probably just struggling with Thinking about it differently to you. There's no right and wrong, and it's lovely that you are both staying strong together and doing the counselling. You'll get there, it's such a hard thing to go through x

Thank you Hun xx and I am so sorry for your sisters loss 😓😓 it's so sad! What happened? I can see what you are saying and after today I can see it more xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply

Lou xx

 

[Loubalouba]

Big hugs.

I agree with the others. If it was me, I'd definitely want to remember him as my baby and I'd find it so, so difficult. I can't imagine what you're going through.

It's nowhere near the same but I would've been about 5 weeks when I had my chemical. I was really upset but DH saw it as never really being pregnant in the first place. Yet when his cousin had an ectopic at 6 weeks, he was first at the hospital, talking about 'the baby' etc. I think they find it easier to help them cope that way. Then it was him to said to stop treatment because he can't cope with the disappointment... I think they just bottle everything up but are as upset as us.

DH also lost his brother a few years ago (again, not the same). He thought he was ready to go back to work straight away and so he did. He seemed ok for a few months, pretending nothing had happened, but then he had a breakdown. He was off work for a couple of months and was a different man.



My point is that grief does show itself in different ways, and it can take a while to come out fully.

You will both know when the time is ready to try again. I know why you want to do it nownownow - I think I'd be the same - but there's no rush. Maybe you could talk about it in counselling? I hope you get somewhere and I hope you get a little brother or sister for Harrison when you're both ready. Xxx

Thanks Hun x we did chat about it with the counsellor but he did not give his opinion on it he just said we will benefit from counselling so going to go again.

Do you think that is why your DH does not cope with the disappointment because he has had so much to deal with in the past and hurt is more painful ?

I feel like we are both grieving more now in someways so maybe it comes out differently at different times, never been through anything like this so just have to get through each day.. It's this tww on top which feels so intense and making me worse.. Will see what the next few days bring and then see how we feel.. You don't know how you will be until you try.

How are u feeling about your FET? Is it October you are doing it?

Lou xx

 

[maybe baby]

Hey Hun,

So sorry you're feeling like this my heart goes out to you and your hubby.

What about running your hcg bloods to get an answer sooner than an hpt or have you had a hcg trigger?

Wishing you lots of luck!

Xx

 

[lisey]

Firstly I am sending you hugs xx

I am sure counselling will help both of you. Grief is so complex and everyone goes through it differently. I have tried blocking things out before but it does catch up with you in the end.
Does your hubby talk about Harrison often? Maybe he deals with the loss my keeping it all inside and you need to talk? I am sure counselling will help with it all.
Through each of my losses, I have been desperate to be pregnant again and I have read the same from so many, I think it's normal. It's not to replace or take away the pain but a yearning.
I really hope this cycle has worked for you and I am keeping everything crossed for you xx

Thank u Hun xx
No he does not talk about him much at all, he is trying to be strong for me and he deals with it by not dwelling on it or going over it.. We have talked about it more today with the counsellor and it helped to see it from each other's eyes..
Yes lots of people on the sands forum are desperate to be pregnant again, I am just terrified of going through disappointment on top of grieving but I have to try! Feeling a bit better since appt, just need to get through the next few days and see what they bring.. When did you first notice symptoms and what sort of symptoms did you have at the earliest? I keep thinking I am imagining things.. I am just so scared and that's why I am not sure I am ready but then maybe I would be like this in 6 months anyway!? I know everyone struggles in the tww.

How are u feeling?

Lou xx

I'm glad the counselling helped xx Yeah, the 2ww is a nightmare, esp when they involve IVF/FET.
I think I started to feel occasional queasiness around 3dp5dt. Went off tea too which is a big sign for me. Nothing majorly obvious though. I hope the things you feel are not your imagination xx

 

[phonixgirl]

Big hugs.

I agree with the others. If it was me, I'd definitely want to remember him as my baby and I'd find it so, so difficult. I can't imagine what you're going through.

It's nowhere near the same but I would've been about 5 weeks when I had my chemical. I was really upset but DH saw it as never really being pregnant in the first place. Yet when his cousin had an ectopic at 6 weeks, he was first at the hospital, talking about 'the baby' etc. I think they find it easier to help them cope that way. Then it was him to said to stop treatment because he can't cope with the disappointment... I think they just bottle everything up but are as upset as us.

DH also lost his brother a few years ago (again, not the same). He thought he was ready to go back to work straight away and so he did. He seemed ok for a few months, pretending nothing had happened, but then he had a breakdown. He was off work for a couple of months and was a different man.



My point is that grief does show itself in different ways, and it can take a while to come out fully.

You will both know when the time is ready to try again. I know why you want to do it nownownow - I think I'd be the same - but there's no rush. Maybe you could talk about it in counselling? I hope you get somewhere and I hope you get a little brother or sister for Harrison when you're both ready. Xxx

Thanks Hun x we did chat about it with the counsellor but he did not give his opinion on it he just said we will benefit from counselling so going to go again.

Do you think that is why your DH does not cope with the disappointment because he has had so much to deal with in the past and hurt is more painful ?

I feel like we are both grieving more now in someways so maybe it comes out differently at different times, never been through anything like this so just have to get through each day.. It's this tww on top which feels so intense and making me worse.. Will see what the next few days bring and then see how we feel.. You don't know how you will be until you try.

How are u feeling about your FET? Is it October you are doing it?

Lou xx

I've never thought about that before, maybe it is. He wants a baby more than anything and is an optimistic person (I'm more of a realist lol) so does tend to get his hopes up. Then he finds it really hard to deal with when it doesn't happen.

Our FET is October, yes. Kind of excited and kind of anxious as I know it's our last shot.

If it doesn't work then I think we will spend the money we have on upgrading our conservatory. DH still talks about 'when' we have children but I say 'if' - I think that's the difference between us. X