Struggling With Infertility

[Erinesque]

I'm an artist, and I'm trying to get how I feel down on paper or on canvas. My sister, who has three boys, also had a miscarriage, and was devastated by it, understandably. It feels like I'm dealing with the death of a child every single month, grieving for that child, and then starting the cycle of hoping, anticipating, devastation and grief all over again.

I've thought of a woman standing in a graveyard, surrounded by the caskets or graves of all of her children, one child for each month she's been trying to get pregnant, whether that be 10, 50, or 100 graves, while other women around are joyously pregnant or have children, with one or two graves with them. I just can't get to the point where I can draw this without breaking down in tears. I'm crying as I'm writing this.

 

[Crazycatwoman]

Hey Erin, big hugs xxx it is really hard TTC .
It's hard, you are pregnant woman and lots babies everywhere!
Do you have any fertility problems ? X

 

[CornishGirl]

Massive hugs from me too!
I know I'm only just starting out and can't talk but I have 3 sisters and two of them have fallen pregnant by accident and aborted when all I ever wanted was to be a mummy. I'm giving myself added stress by telling myself they did it so easily and didn't want it but I have to try!

 

[Eryinera]

I understand your pain about the trying and not seeming to get anywhere. It's raw and it hurts. If this is a personal picture by all means do what you want to vent and scream. I did similar but in poetic form a while back on here. However if this is something tats going to be displayed or I dunno ... just spare a thought that you may not know every pregnant women's journey. It's tough and seeing people with children is so painful and raw to us but those people with 1 or 2 graves may also have been trying for such a long time as well. I think you do need to get this down and you will cry it will hurt and it may or may nt help the feelings you have. I wish you the best of luck in getting your take home baby and I look forward to seeing or hearing about your artwork too.

 

[Erinesque]

Thanks to you all for the virtual hugs.

I don't have any tattoos, and am not liable to get any, simply because I change my mind too often. What I'm working on will be either a painting or simply a drawing. Once it's done, I'll be sure to share it here, of course.

I'm definitely going to do it, because I agree with you, Eryinera, that it will be cathartic, and will help to express these feelings. I would never want to hurt anyone else, or minimize anybody else's pain.

 

[Eryinera]

I was thinking of getting a tat as a symbol to remember my angels. Was thinking of a large angel non religious more like a less sexualised luis royo drawing holding a rainbow maybe with three sets of wings one for each heartbeat I lost or three dragons playfully flying over a rainbow. That's providing my next pregnancy is a success or there will be 4 dragons etc. But I'm scared as I can't draw and don't trust a tattoo artist to fully visualise what I mean if you get me. I envy anyone who can draw. I used to be able to write poetry but I can't anymore my miscarriage poem was the last one I felt worked for what I needed.

 

[Erinesque]

I've been drawing since I was little, and I have a vivid imagination. I used to make up genealogy stories, keeping track of the year, would research how they would dress, and they always had 12 to 15 children in my drawings.

Now, I can't draw like that anymore, not that I don't have the technique, but I don't have the heart anymore. If anything, I concentrate on drawing individual figures in historical dress; mostly Egyptian people, and some symbolism. I'd love to do more abstract or surrealistic art, and I'm grateful that I have this outlet for my feelings.