Sister in law is driving me mad

[Pemsy]

Hi everyone

I have one sister and three sister in laws. My husband and I have always had a bumpy relationship with his older sister but we've been in a good place for years.

However, since having a baby she is driving me mad. I'm worried with the hormones I am going to explode and say something I shouldn't.

My baby is just over two weeks old.

She came to visit when my daughter was less than a week old. I became so stressed out that my BP was dangerous and my midwife banned all visits.

Last week we went to visit my husband's mother. When we arrived we found his sister there too.

Firstly she was annoyed that I was breast feeding as she wanted to see her. I told her no, she can wait. She even tried to lift up my shawl without asking.

Then when she did have a hold she was really OTT on the affection. 'You're my baby girl, you're Aunty loves you most, you're staying with me forever'

She kept telling me to start expressing so she can baby sit - not happenening!!!

I honestly wanted to punch her!

Then I took my baby to give to nanny who we had come to visit. She quickly took her away again. I feel I should add my MIL is bed bound with MS. At one point even she commented on what her own daughter was saying.

Now she keeps asking to visit but if I'm honest I'm so angry every time she takes her I am doing everything I can to avoid it.

We live an hour away so it's not too hard to avoid.

She has three of her own children and her daughter is 2 so I'm not sure why she says the things she does.

Should I comment on it when she does it?

My daughter is her relation too, am I being wrong to get upset?

X

 

[Dianeea]

I think you should discuss your feelings with your husband since she is his sister. Explain to him all the things you have in mind that makes her annoying to you. Then, your husband will be the one to talk to her.

 

[Pemsy]

Thanks for replying

I have spoken to my husband about what she does. He was in another room with his Dad at the time.

He thinks I'm being too sensitive and his sister is just being a typical Mum but that's the thing she needs to fill the role of Aunt now. She has messaged me again now to meet. But I can't cope with the way it stresses me out.

I had a stressful high risk birth and I think this has made me a bit more clingy than usual.
Feeling like she's been stolen is just poking a lion with a stick x

 

[Rachel82]

I would just tell her that you aren't feeling up to her visiting yet and that you'll let her know when you are. When you have a few more weeks behind you, you might feel more able to cope with her being over the top with your daughter.

 

[KHTW]

Give yourself time. Tell her you want some time alone with the baby and you will invite her when you are ready. And remember, it is up to YOU who visits and when they visit x

 

[kumber]

I agree with the above, tell her that you're not up to visitors at the moment as you and baby are still trying to find your own little groove.

I think I'd have smacked her hand away if she'd tried nosing on my bfing, how flipping cheeky! And your husband is wrong, she's not acting like a mother, she's being very rude and very inappropriate.

Don't feel bad about keeping visitors away, this is your time with your brand new squish. The only person you need to share them with is their daddy, everyone else can wait their turn. You never get this time back so you need to make the most of it

 

[Pemsy]

Thanks everyone!

I'm going to put her visits on hold until I feel more settled.

My brother in law and his wife are due to visit any day with their newborn. I'm sure my sister in law will act the same way with her new nephew which means I can share how I feel with my brother in laws wife and see how she deals with it x

 

[dolly26]

I can sympathise my MIL was like that when my daughter was born and it impacted on me quite a lot to the point I wouldn't even leave my lo with her dad.

I have also only spent 3/4 nights away from her (she is 2 now) and nursery aren't to ever let my lo go with my MIL.

Her own words have made it that she has only ever seen my lo 3 times in 2 years.

If you ever need a chat just pm x

 

[ruby2015]

Poor you- sounds awful. I had a friend who visited and was incredibly possessive of my baby- kept trying to send me off for naps or take him for a walk- I wasn't ready to be separated from him but she didn't listen. She always used to try to take the pram from me if we were walking down the street and once when someone admired him she just said 'aww thank you' in a way that made it look like he was HER baby. I really hated it and spoke to her about it but she just said I was being over sensitive and that he's lucky to have so many people who love him. I have limited how much I see her and try to leave George with hubby when I do as I don't think I will ever be able to resolve it. My best advice to you is to see her outside your home so that she can't overstay her welcome and so that you have complete control of your baby. Meet her for coffees or shopping so that she's not being cut out but just don't get stuck with her for hours on end waiting for her to leave. Or if she does want to come over make sure your hubby is there and able to control the situation. Much easier for him to tell her to back off/ go home than you! Good luck xxx

 

[Pemsy]

I can sympathise my MIL was like that when my daughter was born and it impacted on me quite a lot to the point I wouldn't even leave my lo with her dad.

I have also only spent 3/4 nights away from her (she is 2 now) and nursery aren't to ever let my lo go with my MIL.

Her own words have made it that she has only ever seen my lo 3 times in 2 years.

If you ever need a chat just pm x

Exactly, I almost want to say stop it, I can't cope and if you don't the only way I'll manage is by avoiding you. I think she'd just get angry and try to arrange meet ups with my husband. I'm so glad she is breastfed as it means I can really oversee what my baby does and doesn't do.

Whenever I've been around a baby I wait to be offered. When someone says 'would you like a hold?' That's when you take them. Alternatively ask if it's okay. She doesn't she just snatches her away.

I also found out her daughter has hand foot and mouth. She gave her my newborn baby to hold (whilst seated) again without asking. Thank godness my baby seems not to have gotten it but still. Plus I don't actually feel comfortable with her 2 year old around my baby. She's a bit obsessed and sees her as a dolly. She also calls her 'my baby' and gets upset when I take her away.

It's not her fault she's only 2 but she's started kicking animals and I'm worried she's a bit unpredictable around my newborn. I have decided to tell her mum that she cannot hold her until she is older. She didn't give me the chance before I just walked in the room and she was in her arms x

 

[Pemsy]

Poor you- sounds awful. I had a friend who visited and was incredibly possessive of my baby- kept trying to send me off for naps or take him for a walk- I wasn't ready to be separated from him but she didn't listen. She always used to try to take the pram from me if we were walking down the street and once when someone admired him she just said 'aww thank you' in a way that made it look like he was HER baby. I really hated it and spoke to her about it but she just said I was being over sensitive and that he's lucky to have so many people who love him. I have limited how much I see her and try to leave George with hubby when I do as I don't think I will ever be able to resolve it. My best advice to you is to see her outside your home so that she can't overstay her welcome and so that you have complete control of your baby. Meet her for coffees or shopping so that she's not being cut out but just don't get stuck with her for hours on end waiting for her to leave. Or if she does want to come over make sure your hubby is there and able to control the situation. Much easier for him to tell her to back off/ go home than you! Good luck xxx

That would drive me mad! We go through so much to get our airs to have some act as if they are their own is awful!

I think I'm going to avoid making plans because I know she will invite herself to other family met ups. She doesn't work so she will just come along on the day when we visit grandparents etc.

That way I can play the whole 'cuddles for nanny card'.

Plus I think having witnesses will help as I wasn't the only one to notice she was OTTx

 

[Pemsy]

Just to update!
It's not just me now. Apparently she's been constantly calling my husband asking how 'her' baby is and demanding to meet up oh and accusing of us being rude not to have done so already (our daughter is 4 weeks old and we've seen her twice).

I feel much better now he is annoyed because I though I was being a paranoid overprotective new mum x

 

[ruby2015]

She sounds soooo annoying! LOL I bet your husband's not v pleased with her! Oh well he can sort it out and you can just enjoy your precious mummy time. Glad your LO didn't catch the hand foot & mouth thing- that would have taken the biscuit! Congrats on your baby ❤️ Hope you're feeling ok and getting some sleep!

 

[Pemsy]

Christmas has come which meant the sister in law I have been avoiding is now forced upon me. I walked into a family gathering still with my coat on to be greeted with ‘I’ll steal her’ just after staying twice that I needed to change and feed my baby.

After I fed her I let her have a hold (begrudgingly) and requested not to bounce her as it was a big feed and didn’t want it coming back up. Of course she bounced, even her bf who I can’t stand reminded her not to do it but she kept going. Then she asked if she could take a photo of my baby and her daughter who is 2. I was so glad she’d felt she should ask and I was happy for her to take a photo but I clearly said but as long as you are holding my baby. ‘Ofcourse’ She replied, 2 seconds later she has passed her over for her 2 year old to hold. All my graces went out the window and I took my daughter back and left the room.

From then on my SIL was making comments to my husband about not getting to hold the baby. I explained what happened and he was fine about what I did. I even noticed him refuse to pass our daughter over a few times because he wanted a hold. She makes me so angry because if my husband or myself say we want to hold her she tries to make us feel guilty saying we are being greedy - we were there 6 hours I think we are allowed to hold our own baby in that time.

She also commented that I should be expressing my milk so that she can feed her!

But she is SO glad she never breastfed because myself and my other SIL spend so much time doing it.

I am actually sick of her and I will now be avoiding her apart from family functions, I ate that she does not respect what I say. Her daughter is so badly behaved I really don’t want her influence. She hits other children and kicks dogs. I just feel that I don’t want that type of 2 year old trusted with by 3 month old.

Sorry just needed to vent.

Any tips for surging relatives at Christmas? X

 

[Cati]

I think sometimes you just have to put your foot down and be firm with people like that!

My LO’s great grandad (his fathers grandfather, not mine) made SEVERAL rude comments the first time he met my baby. He complained that feeding was taking too long many times and he was so rude I just had to leave. I didn’t feel guilty about it, it’s their fault for having such a foul attitude.

Whats important is you and baby. Do whatever it takes to make sure the both of you are happy and chilled! And make sure you steal all the best Quality Streets before she gets to them!!!

 

[Pemsy]

Thanks it’s good to feel reassured.

It’s so annoying she makes me feel guilty for wanting to hold on to her myself

 

[KHTW]

She sounds horrible. If you don't feel like handing YOUR child over to somebody you simply DON'T. I have a 2 year old at home and even tho she is a good-natured child, if any of my friends offer to let her hold their babies, I say no right away. Babies are so fragile and you just can't trust a toddler. You were right to take your baby away.

I hope you don't have to spend much more time with this woman x