Shut off hubby

[josiegirl]

Hey guys-I posted on here maybe once or twice when I was pregnant with my baby girl (Ruby), I will try to log in a bit more as I don't connect with other moms much and it will be nice to "talk" with others who also have baby on the brain.
I am 21 and have just had my first with my husband who turned 20 in January. It was an unplanned pregnancy but we weren't being very safe and I have always looked forward to having an LO (even though I should have waited a bit more).
Anyway, my husband has been so shut off since Ruby was born that it is starting to cause me some depression. I expected a shift and that he may have trouble adjusting since the whole experience can be different and alien to first time daddies, but he didn't really want to hold or change or do anything with our baby until she was five months old. He says all the time that he just doesn't like babies and he likes being with her more now because she is developing more of a personality and can play and such, but it is still hurtful to me. He has said how ugly he thought she was when she was a newborn and even though he is just trying to be honest, it seems mean to me. He plays with her now but if she needs a diaper change or anything he shoves her into my arms, or just kind of doesn't check it, waits until I get out of the shower etc.
Today he gave me the silent treatment all day, something he does often, and whenever I ask what is wrong he gets aggravated and says I am bugging him. Which I am, because it bothers me that he won't say a word to on almost the only day of the week I get to spend time with him. By the time he is home on the weekend I look forward to some adult conversation and some help with the baby and I am almost always let down. He expects that I should be more quiet when letting him sleep in an extra hour or two past me and Ruby because he works but I don't have the patience to sneak around our tiny house so he can sleep, at least not every weekend. I want him to get up when I get up, because I am usually alone.
I am sorry for the rant, I hope some of it makes sense at least. Am I being out of line? I feel really down and unsupported. I do not get everything I want from my husband. He is not a bad guy but I still feel in my gut like I am settling for only 70%. Maybe it is because he is so young.

 

[keli]

Maybe he still ajusting?.. i don't know but he definatley should be giving you more support with the baby. Some men i think just think it's the womens job and leave them to get on with it. I'm sorry that your having to go through this i don't think your out of line at all! It sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your fella and tell him how you feel and hopefully he'll open up too. hope things get better for you xx

 

[Sherlock]

What is his upbringing like? Was his father a hands off father when he was young? It might explain his aversion to contact with his own child. If his father was like that with him (and any brothers or sisters) it can affect the parenting of the child when they grow up.

TBH you are both young. And often men do react and find things a big change when a child arrives. As do the mums. But it can be harder for men to connect as they can feel alienated or alienate themselves for whatever reason. Some couples are able to work things out, others are not. I also think sometimes men can feel tied down and resentful if a pregnacy was unplanned (even when planned it can happen), even if they don't want to feel that way, it happens. It can be a big stumbling block.

In some ways he is being unreasonable but unless you can get to the bottom of it and find out why, you can't expect things to change. And your OH has to be prepared to talk and open up for that to begin to happen. I have to be honest here I don't recall many 20 year old guys able to discuss how they feel on such an emotional level. It might not happen as he simply is not aware enough of himself or in touch with those sort of feelings. He might be the tough it out strong and silent type.

I think he needs to understand he is not the only one needing sleep and a rest. You are at home caring for your child and don't have time off from that. And while he may work in the week, on weekends he needs to be prepared to play a more active part in her life and not think its ok to have lie ins all the time and so on. Lives change when a baby arrives. It cannot and will not ever be as it was before hand. Maybe that is what he is having trouble adjusting to. Its a huge responsibility for any person, and maybe at 20 he is struggling with the enormity of it all. From supporting his family to bonding with his child.

If he was emotionally detached and could be silent or awkward before baby came along then I don't hold out much hope he will really change.

Maybe write a letter explaining how you feel and what you hope for the future. But remember its not about laying blame at someones feet. Just explain how you are feeling and how you miss him and would like for him to have more input into you being a family etc. Don't set impossible goals, just take small steps. Encourage him, have a set time to talk about these things and outside of it, leave it alone. Keeping on at him about things will probably drive him further away. See if you can set out some groundrules for you both, that he does do things like the odd nappy and gets up in the morning to be with her daughter rather than lie in. Hopefully you can build on it all.

Hopefully something in there was of use.

 

[mamichuli]

Hi hunny,

Aww you sound so down...first of all a load of these
I wonder if he doesnt think he can "do" the things Ruby needs - diaper changes, etc. I know it is a more unpleasant job for Dad than for Mum - we dont find it as distasteful, apparently... but also he may see that you are so competent that he is afraid of ballsing it all up!
The other thing is just to swing things around to a different perspective, as far as lying in is concerned. I work and my OH is a stay-at-home dad at present, on week ends he always MAKES me stay in bed a lil while longer while he gets up with Ani and the other kids. It makes me feel soooo spoiled and loved, you cant imagine how nice it is for me. It is not about sleeping more or less - just relaxing a bit more (I get up at five twenty during the week ) Maybe you could agree that you will get up and give him, an hour extra maybe? Explain to him that you understand, but that you miss him and want to spend the time with him?

Hope some of my rambling might help - the most important thing is that you two sit down and talk...

Lisa

 

[josiegirl]

Thanks so much for all the responses! Sherlock, you are pretty much dead on, and it is a helpful reminder to me as well, to jump start my understanding again.
I don't mind that he doesn't change diapers when I am around-I have become pro and he works all day. But I used to worry because when I wasn't around he would just sort of leave it, not check her or change her if she was fussing. His parents are the same way, they play with their children but they aren't really there for them when they have a real need. (His parents are truly awful but that's another topic). He is breaking the cycle though, he is getting much better everyday. Once Ruby hit five months I didn't really have complaints about him as a dad, it was more about my relationship with him. It still is rocky, but I think I have to be mature as well and recognize that things are rough after a new baby and be secure in things more. I have been really insecure because it kind of comes more naturally to moms and he has to adjust to a lot when he isn't really ready, so I feel worried when things in our relationship are different due to Ruby-we're tired, there's less sex, it takes more work to get out of the house for errands...things that occur naturally that I am afraid might be that extra splinter in his side. Especially the sex, blah.
Mamichuli, I agree he should be sleeping in that extra bit, I do it for him because I want him to feel better on our family days...I think my problem was more that he just complains every single day how tired he is, but expects to make up all the sleep. He hasn't gotten over the fact that he simply can't get his ten+ hours, and there isn't enough I can do to make up for that. I think he just worn out from work, so my sympathy goes out to him as far as that. But we have it really good now; Ruby sleeps in her crib from 7:30 pm until 70 am and only wakes once for a feeding. I guess none of it was about the actual facts, it was more about the general attitude. I have talked to him a lot and he is usually compassionate during and after, but I think I am going to have to accept that things may be more challenging. As long as he shows me a bit more love and compassion (he jokes about my intelligence a lot and such and it bothers me), I am very committed to him and our family. So I hope things continue to improve for me and him. I can't fault him for what happened with Ru at first, he is trying so hard.