Please help x

[busymummy]

Hi I was wondering if anyone can give me advice.

I split up with my eldests father when she was 4 months old due to domestic abuse and him threatening her life. She has had no contact with him since and is now 3 and a half years. I have been with my current partner for nearly 3 years, lived together for 2 and he has played a huge part in her life since a few months after her 1st birthday. She used to call him by his name but one day she started calling him daddy, and for the first few months she went back and forth between his name and daddy but now she calls him daddy all the time. As much as I would love to go along and let her believe that he is really her daddy, and although her actual father is a nasty man, I know the right thing to do is to tell her the truth but I don't know how to go about it? Obviously I'm not gona tell her why her father isn't in her life (well not until she is much older!) But I'd rather her know from a younger age that my current partner isn't her biological father, so as it doesn't come as a shock when she is older. I've tried explaining to her a few times and showing her pictures but I don't think she really understands. Has anyone got any tips? Should I just continue what I'm doing every now and then till she understands? Or am I fighting a loosing battle and better waiting until she is older?

TIA

xxx

 

[tabbi]

am in the same situtaion hun, i left my ex for same reasons when my daughter was a year she now 3 and a half, have been with my my current Oh since the split she calls him daddy and her real dad she no's he's not a nice man (she over heard a convo we were having) but i am letting her grow up thinking my current Oh is her dad as i dont want make her feel like she is left out she has a brother now and another on the way, we are even getting her surname changed and she calls herself the same as my OH (getting married this year) its best to make her feel part the family don't let her know til she is older about 10 that he aint her real dad and let her build brilliant memories.

when my daughter is 10 i will tell her she has another dad and that my partner still is her dad and what a dad is really about and her father isn't one and will explain again after she is 18.

do what you think is wright. Not what anyone else says...this is just what i am going to do x x x

 

[Kellybean]

I would wait a little while longer. My sister has a different dad to me, her dad was very abusive and was sent to jail when she was 1 for numerous things...my mum told her constantly that my dad wasn't hers as she felt this was the right thing at the time (she was also calling him dad) my sister ended up resenting me and stopped calling him dad. that is the worst case scenario but had to put that in the mix. It would be a shock in later life but I think it could wait a few years at least. X

 

[LYLLJellyTots]

I have a four year old son, a four year old step son and a little girl on the way. I can't imagine anything worse than allowing my son to believe in something for years and then just before he turns 10 telling him that everything he believes to be true is in fact a lie and all his special memories are false. He has a right to know who his real father is and who his step father is all the way along. Okay it's difficult to explain to a child but my life was ripped apart at 10 for different reasons and this has had a massive impact on the rest of my life. My step son in the beginning obviously called my OH dad and my son was picking up on this so we compromised on daddy 'name1' and daddy 'name2'. For example daddy tim & daddy joe. Although my sons biological father is not a big part of his life I still talk about him to my son so that he knows about him. I tell him he's special as he has two Daddy's and in all honesty so far I have found it to work fantastically. I know my son will have questions when he is older but at least I will know I have been honest with him and he isn't going to have this one day of memories in his life where everything he knows is destroyed. You might find this harsh but that's how I feel

If my son asks questions before he's old enough to truly understand I would explain in simple terms that although we loved each other it didn't work out but that doesn't mean he is loved any less and I will talk to him more about it when he is older. My step son my son and our new baby will all call my oh the same 'daddy +name' so that none of them feel left out and I realise it's a difficult situation to be in but you have to imagine yourself as that 10 year old child finding out that news. Even if the child's father hasn't been involved in their life at all, just use their name and don't push the subject further. I dont think this decision in about making my son feel different but about being honest from word go. My step son has a step father with his own mother & my son has a step father here, they both use daddy x and daddy y names and to be honest so far it is working very well. I can only speak for their ages at the minute but we try very hard to treat the children the same so that there is no resentment, obviously siblings have rivalry but they are told daily by us both that they are loved xXx good luck with your decision hun x

 

[busymummy]

thank you for your responses.

I have to agree with LYLLjellytots. I've also now spoke to a support worker at the Womens Aid support group I go to and they said I'm doing the right thing, even if she doesn't quite understand it just now, if I'm at least talking about it it will sink in. I am only reffering to her biological father by name though. I have shown her pics of him and his family. I think I'll just stick to doing this every few months or so and I will always broach the subject gently. I have no worries about her feeling left out, we involve her with everything.

Thanks againn for all the responses x

 

[LYLLJellyTots]

I'm glad you've found some support hun and come to the right decision for you and your family xx hugs xx