right um im not sure where to start and i dont know how much sense any of this will make if it makes any at all but i just wanted to share what happened with chloe,
i think the reason im doing this is because at my last counselling session i had written everything down about her birth and i read some of it to my counsellor but couldnt read it all so she read it and it just had me shaken up all day apart from immediate family iv never told anyone any of this but im just scared if i try to make myself remember it will just make it harder to talk about,
i started having some back pain that evening as we were out for the night but didnt really think much of it really as i was having some before hand anyway, i just thought it was all normal not stomach pain nothing at first as the evening went on i felt small cramps so we decided to head home as i was shattered, before we left i needed the toilet as it was then i noticed a little blood, i told steve, and he immediately said we should go get everything checked out, i just wanted to go home and rest as we had been up there so many time and they sent me home so many times saying just to rest
but we still ended up at the hospital bout 11pm i was taken into a lovely little room and the nurse asked a few questions and she had a little feel of my tummy and said she would get the midwife over and to check me over as soon as possible but i felt find no pain hardly, within 30mins it went so quick i was in quite a bit of pain and we pushed the buzzer and a midwife came over and said she was just going to do a quick internal she looked up and me and said that i was in labour was 3cm dilated, but i said no i couldnt be it was far too soon and that they have to do something to stop it i screamed at her, steve was crying and we were both looking at each other saying this cant be happening,
i wont go into ever little detail with the next hour or so they tried to stop it all giving me drugs but nothing seemed to work and my waters broke at midnight i can remember them offering me some drugs or something for pain relief but at that point in my mind there was no pain i just kep thinking i was in a nightmare this count be happening, steve never left my side all night he was my rock,
i can remember the midwife telling me that chloe's heart beat was slowly dipping and i remember just watching the monitor waiting for it to come up as strong again but it didnt and then i was told i needed to push that the time was right but i couldnt it was just too too soon i dont know how but chloe, was born into the world then at 2.15am, they took her straight away and i kept hearing steve say is she ok whats going on but i just looked on i wanted to get up and go and see her but i couldnt i felt useless, steve then disappeared to see what was going on and i was shouting then to stop and leave her alone i just wanted to hold her, after a few minutes they brought her over to me and put her in my arms, i know everyone says their baby is georgous but she just was so beautiful my angel, everyone was standing around me i knew she was still breathing i felt her chest go once or twice and i put my finger around her tiny and and just held her close to me crying for what it seemed like ages i knew she had gone by then and eventually i let the midwife take her and clean her up a little, i dont remember a lot then as i was sedated to help calm me a little and slept for a while,
we got her back shortly later and we both held our darling i looked at steve and he was just i dont know what the word was like there was no life in him i knew there was no life in me either its like our worlds had ended,
i cant type no more the tears have now taken over and its taken me a very long time to write out on here, i hope no one minds i just wanted to share my angels story,
love you chloe so so much
i think the reason im doing this is because at my last counselling session i had written everything down about her birth and i read some of it to my counsellor but couldnt read it all so she read it and it just had me shaken up all day apart from immediate family iv never told anyone any of this but im just scared if i try to make myself remember it will just make it harder to talk about,
i started having some back pain that evening as we were out for the night but didnt really think much of it really as i was having some before hand anyway, i just thought it was all normal not stomach pain nothing at first as the evening went on i felt small cramps so we decided to head home as i was shattered, before we left i needed the toilet as it was then i noticed a little blood, i told steve, and he immediately said we should go get everything checked out, i just wanted to go home and rest as we had been up there so many time and they sent me home so many times saying just to rest
but we still ended up at the hospital bout 11pm i was taken into a lovely little room and the nurse asked a few questions and she had a little feel of my tummy and said she would get the midwife over and to check me over as soon as possible but i felt find no pain hardly, within 30mins it went so quick i was in quite a bit of pain and we pushed the buzzer and a midwife came over and said she was just going to do a quick internal she looked up and me and said that i was in labour was 3cm dilated, but i said no i couldnt be it was far too soon and that they have to do something to stop it i screamed at her, steve was crying and we were both looking at each other saying this cant be happening,
i wont go into ever little detail with the next hour or so they tried to stop it all giving me drugs but nothing seemed to work and my waters broke at midnight i can remember them offering me some drugs or something for pain relief but at that point in my mind there was no pain i just kep thinking i was in a nightmare this count be happening, steve never left my side all night he was my rock,
i can remember the midwife telling me that chloe's heart beat was slowly dipping and i remember just watching the monitor waiting for it to come up as strong again but it didnt and then i was told i needed to push that the time was right but i couldnt it was just too too soon i dont know how but chloe, was born into the world then at 2.15am, they took her straight away and i kept hearing steve say is she ok whats going on but i just looked on i wanted to get up and go and see her but i couldnt i felt useless, steve then disappeared to see what was going on and i was shouting then to stop and leave her alone i just wanted to hold her, after a few minutes they brought her over to me and put her in my arms, i know everyone says their baby is georgous but she just was so beautiful my angel, everyone was standing around me i knew she was still breathing i felt her chest go once or twice and i put my finger around her tiny and and just held her close to me crying for what it seemed like ages i knew she had gone by then and eventually i let the midwife take her and clean her up a little, i dont remember a lot then as i was sedated to help calm me a little and slept for a while,
we got her back shortly later and we both held our darling i looked at steve and he was just i dont know what the word was like there was no life in him i knew there was no life in me either its like our worlds had ended,
i cant type no more the tears have now taken over and its taken me a very long time to write out on here, i hope no one minds i just wanted to share my angels story,
love you chloe so so much
