OK here goes. I am really down.

[Sunnyb]

I haven't been on the forum for a while so firstly want to say hi & hope you're all well.
I'm really struggling at the moment & I know I should be happy, but I'm a wreck! I breastfed my little boy exclusively for 6 months even though I was severely anaemic after a difficult birth & moving house when he was 3 weeks old. I also suffered with bad post natal depression after having him which was a lot linked to illness, upheaval of the move etc.
After having Holly which was a great labour & birth & no anaemia I have struggled with breastfeeding. Joseph fed every 2 hours, but was very settled between feeds. Holly encountered awful Colic from week 2 & for 3 weeks every night from 9pm til 2am she would scream in pain. We tried Infacol but it didn't work & were then recommended Colief which did work. The problem was with having another child to look after & having to hand express milk & add Colief at each feed, it was proving very difficult when out in public & at night I was having to get up & do this at every feed. I was sooo tired & snappy & weepy & asked for advice from HV she suggested combined feeding so that I could make up bottles & hubby help with feeds or if out in public. This was great at first as the hel
& sleep was appreciated, but it messed my milk supply up! I also expressed for the night feed, but not feeding her by breast at night caused further damage to my milk supply. Holly seems content, sleeping from 11pm til 6am & no colic! Sometimes she gets constipated, but she's gaining weight steadily & is a very content & smiley baby (bless her).
The problem is my milk has nearly gone now & as she is my last baby I'm missing the close bond you feel when breastfeeding. I don't love her any less, but as I'll never breastfeed again I feel gutted. To add to the mix that our house has been up for sale for nearly a year & as the market had quietened off we thought we'd be here for a while, so decorated the spare room & turned it into Holly's room. New carpet fitted & wallpaper border up & still drying we got a call from the estate agent for a viewing! The day after the viewing we receive the full asking price for it! The rush was then on to find a house we liked enough to buy & close enough to Joseph's school! We hadn't been looking previously as we didn't want to fall in love with a property & then watch it sell!
So 3 weeks of frantic viewings & house found & offer made & accepted & we are packing furiously as there is no chain & we're set to complete 28th September!
So I have 2 gorgeous children & a hubby who loves me & a mum & dad helping us pack to move & are set to move into the bigger house we dreamed of.
The problem is me! I'm so sad about breastfeeding, so stressed about packing & moving. I've got emotions about the house we're moving from & Holly is 3 months old this week. I'm sad cos she's growing so fast & growing out of clothes she's barely worn (thanks to the British Summer & volume of clothes bought for her). We haven't had time to take as many photo's as we did with Joseph or film her on video as much. I feel time is passing me buy so quickly & I'm missing it. I keep crying & I'm just wanting to hold onto everything of Holly's. I'm turning into a major hoarder! I want to do everything I did with Joseph, as I don't want her asking why we did something with Joseph & not her & be accused of favouritism. I'm also tinged with sadness, as Joseph has been playing up recently (never venting anger on Holly or saying anything about her). When I asked him why he was so frustrated, he burst into tears & said although he loves Holly very much, he sometimes wishes she wasn't here. He said he knows we love them both, but he says sometimes he misses just having me.
I'm a total wreck now. I've cried myself to sleep the last two nights & won't let my hubby hug me (cos it makes me feel worse). I have felt totally unmotivated to day & haven't done anything today (& still have loads to do)! I feel really fat & unattractive & look like shit compared to some of the yummy mummy's & glam mummy's & feel really lonely again. I'm so scared I'm getting depressed again & don't know who to talk to (hence the monster post here).
They say things seem better if you right your feelings down. Thought it was worth a try!
If you've managed to read this, thanks for taking the time to do this.
Just hope I can get out of this shitty rut.

Sunnyb xxx

 

[Tracey M]

Oh you poor love!! I dont think it sounds like depression, just everything getting on top of you....and no wonder! I see your point in everything you have written... I totally snubbed my caring hubby last night when I just sat crying. Your wee boy of course will feel he wants things as before when he got all attention. Oh and moving house is so traumatic anyway trying to break away from the emotional attachment its not easy!! I think you could do with some time out maybe with a best friend or friends away from baby talk etc. Also a nice romantic time with hubby should be on the cards. Maybe he feels just like you and you're not letting him in? Hey, you are so not alone. Hope it helped to get it all out your system. Big hug honey xxx

 

[Sunnyb]

Well Holly has woken up & I've tried to BF & there's nothing. Totally gutted. Feel like a total failure now. Even eating porridge & taking fenugreek hasn't helped. Don't know if there's anything else I can do to kick-start my supply.

Sunnyb xxx

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Im no good with advise for breastfeeding as I have never done it and never will, sorry but from everything else your saying hunny, it sounds like you may have post n depression, with you having it last time is the health visitor keeping a close eye on you?
I just want to give you a massive x x

 

[Sunnyb]

I expected HV to do the questionnaire with me & ask more, but she hasn't. I blamed the stress of the house move, but that everything was ok. I'm not sure it is though. I'm in tears already today & my hubby has gone to work worrying about me. I'm even feeling like I don't want to take Joseph to school today. Don't know if it's just not being able to BF that's getting me down or if I am heading down the depression route again. Really don't want to go there again.

Sunnyb xxx

 

[Princess81]

I know nothing about breastfeeding but it sounds like you are stressed out to me - this with a mixture of guilt over your little boy and combined with BF issues. I agree that a support group sounds great. You have given Holly the best possible start in life, you should feel proud not guilty x

 

[Mummy2Adam]

I expected HV to do the questionnaire with me & ask more, but she hasn't. I blamed the stress of the house move, but that everything was ok. I'm not sure it is though. I'm in tears already today & my hubby has gone to work worrying about me. I'm even feeling like I don't want to take Joseph to school today. Don't know if it's just not being able to BF that's getting me down or if I am heading down the depression route again. Really don't want to go there again.

Sunnyb xxx

Can you call your HV hun, explain how your feeling, i know you said you dont want to go down the route of PND again but if it is, its best to catch it now and get some help than trying to deal with it on your own. The breastfeeding will only add to your stress hunny, maybe the HV will be able to give you some advice on that too but if its not possible remember you were combined feeding for a reason, to make your little girl more comfortable, you shouldnt look at youself as a failure because you were doing what was best for your daughter x x

 

[DaisyPurple]

Oh sunnyb I just want to give you a big hug and help you organize things in your mind so you feel less overwhelmed with everything,
I think that you sound like a great mum and its natural for Joseph to feel like this, maybe you could schedule sin mum &Joseph time when Holly is having a nap or maybe your oh can take her for an hour or two,
Please don't upset yourself regarding breastfeeding and remember that you have done your best, and if your milk has stopped, then bottle feeding is the only option, you have successfully BF her until now and you can be very proud of yourself that you have managed to do so, (I only managed 3 weeks before mine dried up due to J having feeding issues), I felt just as you do now, only there was no support or PF back then. You have a lovely family who need a happy mummy to keep them all in check, if you are struggling emotionally then please do mention it to the hv or Dr but also try to remember you have been through a lot and it will take a while to adjust. Good luck hunny xxx

 

[frankie707]

Replied on your other post about the bfing but the rest of it sounds like you might be being a bit hard on yourself and stressed out with the move etc. It's probably worth voicing how you feel to your hv so they can assess whether you have pnd again. Have you spoken properly to your DH about it? Would a meal out together with kids give you guys a chance to take a breath in what is obviously a very busy time for your family at the moment?

 

[Maria1977]

Also replied to your other post hun. Stress is sounding like the cause here, and the more you get worked up about BFing, the harder it is going to be and you'll pass that stress over to baby eventually too and she will be happier on the bottle. although there is nothing wrong with that, but if yoou want to carry on BFing you have to set aside the time to do so and approach it really calmly.

Defo speak to your HV hun about how you are feeling and get in touch with your local BFing support group, they can usually come out to you if you need them to and they are so supportive and don't judge or anything.

Lots of skin to skin will help you supply, but please don't worry your body will always do the job. My boobs never feel full and I don't always hear Oz swallwoing when feeding but he has not lost weight since after the first week. Just have confidence in your body.

If baby was hungry after coming off boobs she would scream bloody murder, she probably would pull off boob and scream if nothing was coming out too!

Good luck and let us know how you get on. Moving is one of the most stressful things to do, and doing it with 2 children to look after must be a nightmare!!!

xxxxxxx

 

[AyeshaD]

Oh sunny sweetheart, you just beating yourself to it babe,,, I know its hard coping with kids and house move also having hardship but things will get better eventually..First thing I know of and sure to know 100percent that YOU are not a failure. You've beautiful kids and husband that loves you to death please dont push him a side and at least if you share you share your feeling he'll know what you've been going through, What about your mum Why dont you invite her to come and help..so that she can spend more time with her grand kids am sure she'll be delighted,, Kids need reassuring everyday that you love and spend time with them will forget things they say.. am sure you son didnt mean it in bad way.. all he asking you family time maybe you him and holly spend time together, read stories encourage him to play with his sister... it takes time but soon before you actually know it .. you'll see hes hugging and playing with his own sister,, dont be selfish and hard on yourself...babe you truly blessed having kids, husband and family to die for.. when you feel down look around and reflect on wonderful life you know... Knowing you moving to your dream house, things will get better, trust me on this.. appreciate it on what you've and dont make feel guilty and worried for not knowing whats going on.. I simply know you one strong woman..so dont give it

 

[Sunnyb]

Have left a message for HV to call & have searched online for a breastfeeding clinic & there's one about 3 miles away tomorrow, so I'm going to go for some advice. Mum & dad came down today to help pack & mum came with me for Holly's vaccinations. Mum has suggested we get out of the house on Friday & go looking for some furniture & wallpaper etc. For the new house. I'm taking it one step at a time & I'll see how it goes. Also booked a table for a lovely local restaurant just me & hubby x

Sunnyb xxx

 

[Sunnyb]

PS thanks so much for all your support. I can ALWAYS count on the support from everyone on PF x

Sunnyb xxx

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Glad to see things are looking clearer for you hunny and getting out the house will do you the world of good. Let us know how you get on with the hv and at your breastfeeding workshop.
We are always here if you need us hunny x x

 

[Sam's Mum]

I haven't read the whole thread as the boys are being a nightmare, but just wanted to send you some s and also to say that with work there's a good chance you will be able to carry on breastfeeding - I'll try and fin some info for you tonight but the breastfeeding clinic will probably be able to give you some good advice tomorrow. The best thing you can do to stimulate milk production is to keep trying to feed her (it's unlikely that it has completely gone, but stressing about not producing any combined with Holly being used to not having to work much to get any milk from a bottle does make it harder - stress can delay your let down and she may start sucking, get frustrated at not getting anything straight away and stop trying). But it's helpful to do it at a time when it doesn't matter if she gets any or not, so when she's not really hungry. Strip her down to her nappy and take your top off or lift it up so you have lots of skin to skin contact - or get in the bath with her - and just relax and let her feed if she wants to, even just a couple of minutes for comfort. With all you've got going on I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you do though. Hope you're being well looked after too x

 

[Sunnyb]

Sam's mum - if you could dig out any information that you think might help, I will give it a try. I stripped off this morning before my mum came & let her comfort suck & skin to skin. Am going to persevere as I don't think I'll have entirely dried up. Just trying my best to stay calm (very hard to do) & be patient so that I don't upset Holly & stress her out too. Sometimes she headbuts my boobies & cries as if she's frustrated & other times she's much more patient. I guess I just need to keep at it & try to remain positive x
Thanks again everyone.

Sunnyb xxx

 

[frankie707]

You're doing great - stay positive and I'll keep my fingers crossed that it all works itself out very quickly.

 

[Minchin]

hey there hon
sending you massive hugs, just seen this, been wondering how you doing.
Sounds like the girls have given you some good advise, there's nothing I can add there. Hope things get a little better for you chick xxx

 

[Lulu_Laroo]

Oh sunnyb, I feel completely useless at not being able to give you any advice, but wanted to give you some big virtual hugs and say that I really hope you're ok and that things work out - I'm so sure they will. Again, so sorry about not having any advice to give, but keep your chin up. Lots of love xx

 

[BabysMomma]

Just wanted to send a and I hope you're ok. x