Off topic - family advice

[Lyllian]

I posted about this aaaages ago in tri 1 but cant find my old thread. I'll try keep this brief...

I have an elder brother who is married with a little boy. They live about a 5-6 hour drive from my parents (im an hour away). Anyway due to severe endeo and ovarian cysts and one redundant ovary I was told at 21 I wouldn't be able to conceive naturally. I pent a long time remarking constantly about how much I hated kids/babies how much I loved my career blah blah, total self preservation, Im not sure I fooled anyone. Anyway basically my brother and his wife fell pregnant and had a little boy year and a half ago. Last February, having came off all my medication for endeo and various other meds I was on for a blood condition to cleanse to prepare for ivf, I fell pregnant (obviously lol). I had a haematoma so decided to tell my brother about the pregnancy to be fair on my parents as they knew and if anything bad were to happen I didn't want them to be in an awkward position with not being able to mention to my brother what we ere going through etc. Anyway I sent a text to this effect and got a one word 'congratulations' message back, which I thought was a slightly inappropriate reply but I took it on face value and left it.

Anyway from then on in my parents had a couple of strange remarks from him such as 'they were under the impression x would be the only grandchild' etc. Since that initial text back, I've never heard from my brother again My parents have tried to talk to him about it but to no real avail and the only thing they get is comments such as 'im worried you'll be closer to (my little girl) than you are to x'. My lo is now three months old and has never met her uncle. He's never text, called, emailed anything to ask how she is. hes made no effort whatsoever.

Needless to say im extremely hurt, nothing happened to make things this way, no argument, no falling out. I got pregnant and he cut me out his life completely. Ive tried numerous times and have got rebuffed. To be honest I'm starting to top feeling hurt and start to feel angry with him. I keep thinking if I had gone for ivf, would they hve been relieved/happy if it failed? what kind of person wishes hurt on someone? which I feel when it comes down to it, he is. He is clearly unhappy that I got the one little miracle I never thought I would ever be able to have. Im starting to feel quite sick and disgusted by the whole thing.

I think its time to make a decision as its his birthday in a few days. I feel like now hes not only being a d*** to me but now hes being a d*** to my daughter and that's a whole different ball game. if he isnt interested in a little innocent baby that's his niece, why should I be bothered by him. My guts telling me to not send a card or anything and make this the break, take nothing more to do with him and accept that I don't have a brother any more. But at the same time, its a horrible position to put my parents in (though they have said that they 100% understand my decision and know that none of this is my fault and ive already tried more than most would)but I still keep thinking how hurt I would be if this happened to my lo and any future babies we might be blessed again with. And its all kind of final, will I regret it, or has too much damage ben done now? I know in all honesty in my heart for the sake of protecting myself from any further hurt and protecting my daughter from ever being hurt by this I have to accept that he snt an will never be in my life anymore, I just need some reassurance I guess that this isn't the totally wrong thing to do....

 

[Dotty_woman]

It sounds like he's jealous his little boy isn't the only one who's getting attention any more which sounds a little childish. Don't stoop to his level by not sending a card. It shows you're the adult here. Maybe seeing all the names on the card might make him realise what a knob he is being. It's particularly harsh when you thought you might never have kids. Hope this sorts out because it would be nice for them to spend some time together. My kids will never have any cousins so only have each other . It's a special relationship and it's sad he's denying his little boy a playmate in a couple of years. You haven't done anything wrong here! xxx

 

[juliekim0908]

I would say, and what I would be thinking in your position.. No your not being harsh, I think it's got to the point where I would make the cut and leave it be. Forget and move on. BUT
I agree with the post above.

Be the adult, don't beg, or call and try to make a relationship happen between you all again. That's something he's lost. Send birthday cards, even with a small gift/token/money if you fancy. Send happy birthday txt, Christmas cards etc..
I was talking about something similar with a close friend a few weeks back, but involving her mother in law not seeing her son but seeing her step daughter. (mother in laws choice almost) and I stick by what I said.

Someone not being in your childs life, or your life. Is not YOUR loss. It is THEIR loss, THEY will miss out in their neice, THEY will miss out on a relationship with their sister, and when your child is old enough to understand you will be able to explain, that they didn't make the effort, you have tried to keep in contact and let them make the decision of what they think themselves.

 

[Mrs M]

I would definitely send the card. Maybe add a little note to say hopefully you can catch up once the weather has settled? If he anything about him, he will contact you to at least say thank you for the card!

 

[Pumpkin9]

I would still send a card but perhaps just 'from' rather than 'love from'. It's a disgusting situation and I empathise with you. I would feel angry too. I have a sil who is pregnant and although she hasn't had any medical problems that meant we thought she wouldn't have children I am so happy that our little boy is going to have a cousin that is only 14 months younger than hi who he can play with. Why your brother doesn't think that your children could have a fab relationship I don't know! Jealousy is a strange thing.

I'd try to keep the upper hand and even if it's just sending cards at least your making a gesture that doesn't necessarily need to be acknowledged immediately.

Edit: I should add my sil doesn't live close to us either

 

[OMGbabyno3]

Ah, it's a horrible situation.

I'm a massive softie and hate things like that...I've had on and off issues with my brother but nothing like you're going through. Are you close to your SIL? Could you talk to her?

xx

 

[Lyllian]

No not close at all. I think she's the root of the problem tbh x

 

[Makeme]

I'm sorry you are going through this Lyllian I really don't have any advice.. Just that I would take it hard too and be very angry.. I didn't want to read and not reply.. Sending your big HUGS and I hope your brother realizes how immature he is being.

 

[CARNAT22]

I remember your thread when you were pregnant and I was going to say isnt SIL the instigator here?

I know its normal to feel a wee bit jealous - my SIL was due 3 weeks after me with James - but normal people get over it. In fact same SIL was pregnant again the same time as me (much more of a gap beteeen us this time lol) and I didn't bat an eyelid.

Your brother is behaving so childishly. Does he have form?

Are your folks able to act as a mediators at all?

I'd send the card personally though. Be the bigger person.

X

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

This is probably the most childish act I've ever seen. I can't believe anyone would be so pissed that their baby wasn't going to be an only grandchild now. His baby will be missing out on so much. I feel for you I really do.
Be the bigger person and send the card if not it will bubble away inside you. Try and not let it ruin things with your little one by being bitter about it.
Me personally I'd be like what's your bloody problem you complete beep beep beep beep beep lol
I think I'd also send an uncle card and put a tiny hand print. Show him she is here and real and isn't going away so deal with it. Xxx

 

[mellie_88]

I remember your previous thread before too, cant believe it's still going on, he is definitely a d***.

Personally I'd send a card but that's it, mainly because I wouldn't want to go down to his level of pettiness! Honestly cannot believe someone could be like this to their own sister and their own niece. I'd hope soon he'd realise what an idiot he was being. But seen aa though he hasn't so far he may well never realise.

Have your parents tried talking to him about it at all, because it's a horrible position he's put them in.

 

[Becibelly]

Personally I'd send the cars as its for the child not for him. But I think I'd also send a letter to him expressing how I felt, I'm a believer in 'life is too short' and would want to try to find out the reasons he's being this way and repair it (despite it not being anything u have done). However, if I got no response I would not keep trying as the term 'life is too short' works that way too! I'd keep sending cards to his child as they haven't done anything wrong and maybe one day your child and his child may forge their own relationship x

 

[LaceyKeo]

I'd send a "happy birthday" text message and call it good.

IF he were to ever say anything about it, I'd say "Oh, I thought that was how we celebrated now, seeing as how I just got a text from you saying "congratulations"..." And walk away.

You've done nothing wrong at all, and if SIL is convincing him otherwise, and he's siding with her, then more fool him. Sometimes we have to wake up and realise our precious little snowflakes may be unique, but they're still only as unique as everybody else's.

 

[LaceyKeo]

I thought the card was for the brother?

ETA: The card is not for the kid, it's for OPs brothers birthday.

 

[Becibelly]

Ah right, well if it's for the brother I think I'd prob still send one ( a funny one about being the best sibling!) and send the letter too. But I guess it's a difficult call. I can't imagine not having my brother in my life but then again can't imagine him behaving so appallingly. I think I'd give it one last shot before giving up x

 

[Lyllian]

Thank you so much for all.the replies,and for taking the team to read through that mammoth post. I really appreciate it, is good to get a view from people who are completely detached from it.

My parents spoke to him a couple of.weeks ago and pointed out they were aware he hadn't been in touch and that my baby was at that point two months old now. Thing is I get it was a bust time of year and he might not want to have driven up when the weather can be so dodgy with a little one in the car, I certainly wouldn't, if that was the only problem. But call.and say you're looking forward to coming up when the weathers better and ask how she is but there's nothing at all coming from him. As some of.you know who remember my original thread it's been going on a while now, I just really thought things might be different when she was here and it wasn't a case of me being pregnant anymore (nasty me) but he had aniece now and the bigger picture might have become apparent. He talked round in circles with my parents and.kept.changing his mind he went from it being that he was.worried my lo.would be closer to my parents (we're hopefully moving to be back beside them again which my parents are actually too scared to tell him case he kicks off and it makes.things worse!) , they got again that him and his wife 'were under the impression their lo would be the only grandchild', and also that it was his wife that doesn't want anything to so with her, but can't answer what her problem is with my three month old baby she's never met! He's 32,so not a young immature guy. Well...immature maybe but you get my point. I sent Xmas cards, pressies, the kids birthday pressie (his first bay was week.before my due date so I made sure I got months before case I went into labour early so they couldn't say I wasn't bothering about my nephew.soon as my lo arrived (which is ridiculous in itself that I knew itd have came to that). None were acknowledged.

I just feel so sorry for my parents. My sil only has her dad.left and he's quite old and not in the best health so when he passes.I know.They're going to want to suddenly start going to my parents at Christmas again despite not going near in past eight years and I'm going to not be able to go if this is the end officially. I just don't want my parents to feel.they have to choose between their children but at the same time, I keep trying and am getting treated like sugar and I fear I'm really starting to look like a breast!!!! (early morning politeness)

 

[douglasxox]

Just a thought, is there a chance your SIL would like another child but would have troubled conceiving? Or was it their decision to only have one child? Although this is no excuse at all for the behaviour (especially due to the fact they know you were in the exact same position!) but it can cause people to become quite bitter?

It's an awful situation regardless of the reason and you seem to be already acting like the bigger person, just remember your little one won't miss out, it's them. She's always got you and your parents stay strong x

 

[T84]

I can't even imagine not speaking to my brother for so long, it must be really hard on you! I have to disagree and say you need to speak to your brother and sort this out. He's family after all, I can't imagine what must be going through his mind to not want to see his own Neice! If It was me tho, I would need to speak to him face to face, if only to be able to make sense of things. If after this conversation you still feel the same, at least you can be a bit more at peace with the situation iykwim. As for your SIL, euccchhh!! You don't need to even involve her hopefully. x

 

[mellie_88]

I honestly don't understand the big deal about their child being "the only grandchild" it really does seem very, very spoilt to me.

My brother was the over the moon when I announced my pregnancy. a month later, him and my SIL announced their second. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be, so I did wonder when my LO arrived if they would feel a little weird. But if they did they certainly didn't let it be known to me.

I just really feel for your parents in all this, you'd think he'd realise how stupid and pathetic he was being by now. If you do decide to speak to him about it (if he even lets you!) Then make sure you mention your parents, they wont christmas to be spent with only 1 of you I'm sure.

 

[Lyllian]

Nope they had no probs conceiving my nephew and he was onLy a few.months old.when I fell. I suspect.they'll be trying.to.have another.now so mines.Not the 'baby',but could be wrong. Only thing I can think is that she maybe wanted a girl? But I'm racking.My brains for anything