Off topic - family advice

[douglasxox]

Well that was my only thought for why they're acting this way. I would love a girl and my sister recently had one and I was over the moon! I agree with the asking to speak face to face, all you can do is say you've tried. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all, so stop beating yourself up hun. It's definitely their problem xx

 

[Lyllian]

Only thing is I didn't find out what I was having and they stopped talking to me.when I was 7 weeks preg but I guess then there was the chance I was having a girl then when I had one it's too hard for them, I don't know. I'm trying to find a reason to make it easier other than he's just a horrible person. Will send a standard birthday card. For my parents sake x

 

[Mrbump83]

I'm the opposite to most here, I wouldn't bother sending a card, not to him anyway. I would if it were the child's birthday or the wife but to be honest, I don't see the point.
Maybe I might leave one at my parents for next time he visited for my pas rents sake but otherwise I don't see why.

I'd be more tempted to send a letter in a few weeks and explain the lack of card etc and put all my feelings down. Leave the ball in his court. Face all the suspicions of jealousy etc in the letter so he can read how he is acting. It would be a nice letter but I would want to address all the issues once and for all and allow him time to digest this.

I'd say call to say it all but doesn't sound like he would listen at the moment.
His actions are childish and he needs a wake up call x x

 

[littlemonkey]

Urgh familiest! My OH has two brothers he hardly sees or talks to so I know what it's like. To be honest my OH doesn't bother making any effort with cards, texts etc for birthdays, but then he is a typical bloke about this stuff and is useless at doing stuff like that with the ones he does speak to! If it was me, I would still send the text, card etc for birthdays and leave it as that.

Do you think they feel a little bit put out that they never realised you wanted kids and saw you going from career driven in their eyes to suddenly having a baby soon after they did? Even still doesn't excuse falling out over it. One of my sisters and I have done loads of things around the same time as each other - we moved out within the same year, got married within a year of each other and had our first kids within a year of each other. Neither of us has had any problems with the other about it. Although there's four of us, so none of us was ever under any impression of being the only one at anything!

Just take the higher ground and don't let it upset you. What ever is going on is more about them than you.

 

[Goat]

I remember this too Lyllian! Weren't they also very insensitive when they became pregnant in the way they told you?
Sounds to me it's the wife that's fueling a fued based on nothing and your brothers getting sucked into believing whatever she's telling him. I would stay on cordial terms with him if I were you. Show him that you do care about him but I would stop bending over backwards trying to resolve things. I totally get you feel for your parents but sounds like they're very rational and understand it's not you.
When you're dealing with people that act like children it's best to keep yourself at a friendly distance, so I would send a card and leave it at that.xx

 

[Mum2Many]

I, personally, wouldn't bother with him. He's made his feelings clear, you don't really need to understand them, he obviously wants nothing to do with you or your baby. He sounds selfish and childish, and I think by continuing to try and force a relationship with him you're only going to end up hurting yourself.

It's HIS loss. Not yours, and not your daughters. Would you really want her around someone who thought so little of her and of you? I know if it was my kids, I certainly wouldn't.

Don't involve your parents either. If it was me, I'd just politely say "he's made his choice to have nothing further to do with us, and so I'd rather not talk about him or this situation any more please" and leave it at that.

He'll either come around one day, or he won't. Either way you need to protect yourself AND your daughter until then.

 

[H16]

My brother is really selfish too, he also lives a few hours away, makes no effort to stay in touch etc and always has to be center of attention. He didn't bother seeing my daughter until she was 13 months old so know how you feel. However I still send him cards etc even though we talk once a year at most as although we don't get on too well and he really upsets me all the time I just don't need the drama of a massive fall out where things are awkward for my parents. Believe me my brother is an ass he even tells people on facebook I am not his sister etc (we have same mum, different dads) but I just think I would rather let that be on his conscious not mine.

I guess what I am trying to say is, your feelings are totally valid, you deserve to be treated better but at least if you still send a card your conscious is clear. You don't have to talk to him etc if he upsets you but at least by sending cards no-one can ever say you caused the problem. He will be the one who realises what a total asshole he is one day and you will have nothing to feel guilty about x

 

[CARNAT22]

Have you tried calling him? Does he answer?

Could you maybe send SIL an email?

I just find it such a sad and wasteful situation.

As for being the only grandchild. What entitled nonsense. I mean what if THEY had another? Would they stop talking to themselves? Lol.

My kiddies have loads of first cousins and I am incredibly thankful that they have some 'ready made friends'.

I am angry in your behalf OP. I want to shake some sense into these weirdo's

X

 

[Lyllian]

Urgh familiest! My OH has two brothers he hardly sees or talks to so I know what it's like. To be honest my OH doesn't bother making any effort with cards, texts etc for birthdays, but then he is a typical bloke about this stuff and is useless at doing stuff like that with the ones he does speak to! If it was me, I would still send the text, card etc for birthdays and leave it as that.

Do you think they feel a little bit put out that they never realised you wanted kids and saw you going from career driven in their eyes to suddenly having a baby soon after they did? Even still doesn't excuse falling out over it. One of my sisters and I have done loads of things around the same time as each other - we moved out within the same year, got married within a year of each other and had our first kids within a year of each other. Neither of us has had any problems with the other about it. Although there's four of us, so none of us was ever under any impression of being the only one at anything!

Just take the higher ground and don't let it upset you. What ever is going on is more about them than you.

Hmmmmm don't think so. When they announced they were expecting year before I was so happy for them though I did have to leave soon after as I'd been told the day before my other ovary was probably no longer working either and emotions were a bit raw. There was a bit of tension between my parents and him over that as they wanted to wait a few days for me to find out cause it was still raw but my brother, somewhat childishly, wanted to be the one to tell me there and then in front of my whole family who had found out day before so I was left in the middle of a room with everyone staring at me for my reaction and it upset me a lot. They never knew that's why we had gone and just thought we were leaving anyway cause we had a long drive home but it did Cause tension between me and my parents who said they knew it was the wrong approach and said to my brother that it wasn't right time but he wanted to do it then and that was that. My parents let him away with a lot,mainly cause they're worried they'll loose him as he's cut all his friends off (him or her, debatable) And Now Me so they Tip Toe a lot. So they knew I wanted babies and They knew we were preparing To start I've And everything was fine up until The Point I Was pregnant so That wouldn't explain it either sadly even if they did think that I still don't see how me having a baby affects them on any way?

Sorry About The random capital Letters BTW I Don't know What my phones Intentions Are....
Xxx

 

[Lyllian]

I remember this too Lyllian! Weren't they also very insensitive when they became pregnant in the way they told you?
Sounds to me it's the wife that's fueling a fued based on nothing and your brothers getting sucked into believing whatever she's telling him. I would stay on cordial terms with him if I were you. Show him that you do care about him but I would stop bending over backwards trying to resolve things. I totally get you feel for your parents but sounds like they're very rational and understand it's not you.
When you're dealing with people that act like children it's best to keep yourself at a friendly distance, so I would send a card and leave it at that.xx

Yes! Well remembered I'm quite touched so many of.you remember my upset ramblings from months ago xx

 

[Lyllian]

Mummy2many that is actually quite heartbreakingly true you've made a very good point thank you xx

 

[Lyllian]

Have you tried calling him? Does he answer?

Could you maybe send SIL an email?

I just find it such a sad and wasteful situation.

As for being the only grandchild. What entitled nonsense. I mean what if THEY had another? Would they stop talking to themselves? Lol.

My kiddies have loads of first cousins and I am incredibly thankful that they have some 'ready made friends'.

I am angry in your behalf OP. I want to shake some sense into these weirdo's

X

He doesn't answer when I call. I tried to add him.on Skype amd he blocked me. My Sil is worse, I still talk to his friends as we all grew up together amd they are all adamant it's because of her he doesn't take anything to do with them anymore. She's caused a lot a lot of drama in the family since she came on the scene. I can't help but think this is all her doing and she's loving every second of it xx

 

[Louise2013]

Oh wow, bless you, this is so horrible and so unfair I agree with the other posters (sorry, I skim read a few though so may have missed something crucial!) that clearly, this is his loss. To not get to know his niece is appalling, but equally to not be so elated for you having gone through what you have, is just so sad for you, and obviously your parents too.

I think if it were me, I'd want to walk away with my head held high; I'd always make an effort to send a card/gift for your nephew's birthday, and I'd probably also send cards for bdays/anniversaries too, but in terms of any more of a relationship I think you've tried your damned best and have effectively been left with nowhere to turn. Frankly, it's their loss; it all reeks of jealousy TBH that their little one is no longer the centre of attention which is so sad, mainly for both of the children involved; there is something so lovely about relationships between cousins and it is so sad their little one won't get to learn that.

Totally agree with mummy2many on the point about involving your parents; this must be breaking their hearts too.
Like they say, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your families eh? What a nightmare xxx

Good luck, really hope things work out one way or another xxxxxxx

 

[Rooster30]

I don't think there is anything I can add that hasn't already been said. It is a very sad situation, however PLEASE try not to let it get you down too much. Personally i'd send cards and for their LO a gift for birthday/Christmas - gives you the moral high ground and leaves the door open.

I grew up with one my Aunts never even giving me a card when I was young - to make it worse, my sister would always get something! You'd have thought she'd have at least been fair and given us both something or nothing, but nope. My mum found it really upsetting, but has just brushed it under the carpet now - luckily for her they live on opposite sides of the world now so they can't butt heads!

I don't know much about this situation with the SIL, she may well been a genuine problem. However, all of my in-laws, i'm convinced, see me as the source of all their current issues with their relationship with my OH, and I find it deeply upsetting. We moved away from where they lived, to closer to my parents as I needed to be near them when my LO was born, my OH also wanted to move and I was suffering PND - but since the move I have had nothing but grief from my MIL, who in turn spreads her dislike of me to my SILs. Despite making sure my parents-in-law saw us at least every fortnight, nothing has been good enough. Unfortunately my in-laws don't live on the other side of the world and I just have to put on a brave face whenever I see them - for my sons sake.

Anyway, basically what I am saying, SIL might not be the entire source of the problem - however, i know nothing of the situation with regards to you and your brother, so she might be. I just know what it is like to be the source of blame (unjustifiably anyway, hers may well be justified).

 

[Lyllian]

Thanks Rooster. I won't go into it with my Sil in case someone reads it and figures they know her and it causes more grief but your situation sounds very different, she's a bit of a nasty piece of work and there's countless examples.of her causing problems in a very obvious way. Your relationship sounds more like mine, we,eek currently trying to move pack to my home and my MIL has taken a little huff and made comments she knew I'd do this and how hubby won't be near his friends,so it was OK for me.to move here but not other way round lol,bless her...xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I've had another read-through and a slight change of heart...

Is there any chance SIL is putting him through a touch of emotional abuse? It goes both ways, and if it's "I'd like to go spend a couple hours with friends", "oh you CAN'T go out now and leave me, blah blah", or "if you don't stop seeing them I'm leaving" or something, he could actually need to know there's someone that hasn't given up on him?

I'd send a short note in his card, "I'm not sure if I've upset you in some way, but I really miss you. Hope you have a wonderful birthday".

Do the same next Christmas. Don't badger him or go out of your way to get him to contact you, just leave it open for him to know you're still there and leave it at that. Xx

 

[Rooster30]

Haha, yup i've had those exact some comments thrown my way too! My MIL will always be bitter about it.

I'm sorry your SIL is causing so much trouble though, it can't be nice at all. Keep your chin up and move forward. Try not to let her affect your life. It is a true shame that your daughter has not got to know her uncle - but as long as you know you are doing the best you can, then there really is nothing more you can do. Just try your best to not let it tear you up and crack on with enjoying your own little family

 

[Kay Kay]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said but having issues with my own brother I can sympathise. It's really cruel not contacting you esp after everything you went through to get pregnant. My brother and I butt heads and I do think he was a bit worried that his kids wouldn't becthe main focus once my lo came along but that said he's been quite good. For all his issues if he'd treated me the way yours has I would be very upset because he's still my brother and I do care about him. I think what's the other girls gave suggested, sending a card with a note is a good idea, and send your nephew birthday/Christmas pressies is all you can do. Deep down he will know what he's doing is wrong and will hopefully come around for your Los sake x

 

[Mackmummy]

How horrible lyllian, he is being very childish. If it were me I'd write a letter if he won't return calls or see you etc . Put it all down in a nice adult way and put the ball in his court. Tell him if he doesn't contact you by such a date you will assume he does not want to be a brother or uncle and let him know what you want. At Least then you've told him how you feel and what's upsetting you, I'd send it by post and email so he can't say he never got it. I hope things work out Hun xxx

 

[MrsG81]

I'm not normally confrontation but I would have to call him out on this one. I'd be calling him directly and asking what the heck he is playing at. He's acting very childish and the ones who are really going to miss out are the kids. He needs to get over being butt hurt about this and grow up. After trying nicely to resolve things like you already have, I'd be a whole lot more direct about it.

If he is willing to lose contact with a sibling and put your parents in a really awkward position over something so childish then I don't think I would put up with that.