So I've thought long and hard about writing this because I feel so guilty about it and like a terrible person, but i thought maybe writing about it and getting it off my chest will make me feel a bit better. Basically, I had my 20 week scan just over a week ago and we found out we are having another boy (My first son is 13 months) As soon as the sonographer told us, I burst out crying and I cried until the next evening. I wanted a girl so badly and a part of me believed that it would happen. I was of course relieved that my baby was well and had all his fingers and toes etc, but I just can't shake this feeling of disappointment. I truly feel awful about having these feelings, I know there are millions of women that would do anything for just one baby of either sex, let a lone 2 and i'm sat here feeling sad about not having a girl. My 2 best friends are due babies in the next couple of weeks (both don't know the sex) and I'm actually scared that they might have girls and I'll be jealous, when really I should be over the moon for my closest friends. I think the guilt of my feelings is actually making things worse. I've started to look into ways to decorate the nursery for him (we stayed team yellow first time so it was very neutral) and I've had a look at some clothes I'd like to buy but the excitement just isn't there like it was when I had my first. And that's the other thing that's worrying me, I've not been as excited about this pregnancy as I was my first. I think part of it was that it was'nt 'exactly' planned. I say it like that because we were planning to try for number 2 when my son turned one, but I fell by accident in January. I know its only a matter of months, but I had some things I planned to do and some occasions that were changed by pregnancy. All the way up to the scan I was worried that something might be wrong because I wasn't excited so when we were told he was healthy I was totally relieved, but then came the sex reveal. I know if we had been told it was a girl I would be much more excited because it would be like doing it all over again, but with having another boy we don't really need to do/get anything because we have everything already. Like I said, I've been looking at clothes and nursery bits for boys because many of my sons first clothes are neutral, but it's just not giving me the burst of excitement I feel like i should have. Please don't get me wrong, I love this little baby and I know once I get to hold him in my arms and see his little face he's going to give me all the love and joy that my first son does right now, everyday. I just feel like i want to be at the end of my pregnancy so I can get to that stage and not feel this horrible mix of emotions, the biggest one of all being GUILT. I know this post might upset some people that have tried so had to have babies and if I was back as the TTC me, I'd be upset too, but I was also wondering if anyone else can understand? Sorry for such a long post, but thanks for reading and (hopefully) not judging, I just needed to share to try and shake this off and enjoy the next 19 weeks.