Not feeling like I should (long post sorry)

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by Dodsy83, Jun 8, 2016.

  1. Dodsy83

    Dodsy83 Well-Known Member

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    So I've thought long and hard about writing this because I feel so guilty about it and like a terrible person, but i thought maybe writing about it and getting it off my chest will make me feel a bit better.

    Basically, I had my 20 week scan just over a week ago and we found out we are having another boy (My first son is 13 months)
    As soon as the sonographer told us, I burst out crying and I cried until the next evening. I wanted a girl so badly and a part of me believed that it would happen.
    I was of course relieved that my baby was well and had all his fingers and toes etc, but I just can't shake this feeling of disappointment. I truly feel awful about having these feelings, I know there are millions of women that would do anything for just one baby of either sex, let a lone 2 and i'm sat here feeling sad about not having a girl.

    My 2 best friends are due babies in the next couple of weeks (both don't know the sex) and I'm actually scared that they might have girls and I'll be jealous, when really I should be over the moon for my closest friends.

    I think the guilt of my feelings is actually making things worse.


    I've started to look into ways to decorate the nursery for him (we stayed team yellow first time so it was very neutral) and I've had a look at some clothes I'd like to buy but the excitement just isn't there like it was when I had my first.

    And that's the other thing that's worrying me, I've not been as excited about this pregnancy as I was my first. I think part of it was that it was'nt 'exactly' planned. I say it like that because we were planning to try for number 2 when my son turned one, but I fell by accident in January. I know its only a matter of months, but I had some things I planned to do and some occasions that were changed by pregnancy.

    All the way up to the scan I was worried that something might be wrong because I wasn't excited so when we were told he was healthy I was totally relieved, but then came the sex reveal.
    I know if we had been told it was a girl I would be much more excited because it would be like doing it all over again, but with having another boy we don't really need to do/get anything because we have everything already.

    Like I said, I've been looking at clothes and nursery bits for boys because many of my sons first clothes are neutral, but it's just not giving me the burst of excitement I feel like i should have.

    Please don't get me wrong, I love this little baby and I know once I get to hold him in my arms and see his little face he's going to give me all the love and joy that my first son does right now, everyday. I just feel like i want to be at the end of my pregnancy so I can get to that stage and not feel this horrible mix of emotions, the biggest one of all being GUILT.

    I know this post might upset some people that have tried so had to have babies and if I was back as the TTC me, I'd be upset too, but I was also wondering if anyone else can understand?

    Sorry for such a long post, but thanks for reading and (hopefully) not judging, I just needed to share to try and shake this off and enjoy the next 19 weeks.
     
  2. scn

    scn Well-Known Member

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    First of all, it's is absolutely no ones place to judge you or your feelings, they are yours to feel and are very real and upsetting for you.
    I can't totally relate as I'm having my first. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a baby boy, I just couldn't see myself as being a mummy to a girl! I've tried long and hard to conceive with 5 losses along the way and now I'm finally here at the grand old age of 42! I'm over the moon to be pregnant but also because I'm having the boy I always wanted and I truly think that had I been told it was a girl, I would have had feelings of disappointment even though it has been a struggle to get where I am. My husband has a son and two daughters from his first marriage and he was disappointed that we're not having a girl.
    It's ok to feel the way you are feeling, you are grieving in a way for the little girl you're not having, it's not a reflection on how you feel about the little boy you are carrying, as you said, you know you will love and cherish him.
    These feelings will pass and all the more reason to try for number 3 :wink:
     
  3. kanga86

    kanga86 Well-Known Member

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    Wow dodgy reading your post brought back all the feelings I had at my private scan at 17 weeks. Like you baby wasn't entirely planned fell in Sept but was going to ttc from Dec. This was my 3rd baby and I had 2 boys already. I was desperate for a girl to "complete" our family as he is our last. But I had another boy and I was exactly the same place you are now.

    I felt awful not being happy to have a healthy boy when so many people struggle and all you really want is baby to be healthy. I to have everything from having 2 boys already and I was so upset and not being able to go shopping and get excited to experience something new by having a girl. Having a boy just felt a bit blah and the guilt was horrendous. I did also felt like baby wouldn't feel as loved as much by getting 3rd hand me downs! As we didn't need much I did treat myself to loads of next stuff in the sales and a new changing bag etc

    My little boy is now 4 weeks old and I wouldn't change him for the world. Was pregnancy easy, no it wasn't and I felt so upset and angry and guilty for what felt like forever but slowly it did pass after a few weeks. I do still get pangs of extreme jealousy as a friend had 2 boys and recently had her 3rd baby a little girl and another had 2 girls then a boy. I end up wishing it was me that got to experience both a boy and a girl. But having him here I do feel all the love and excitement for him as I do my other two boys and just want to protect him and keep him a baby forever.
    I do still have the wonders of what ifs but it's no where as bad as in pregnancy.

    Feel free to pm if you need to chat xx
     
  4. Gem212

    Gem212 Well-Known Member

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    Hi Hun my story is slightly similar and wanted to give you some reassurance, me and my OH had our first son 13 years ago we were both really young and i was so pleased to have a boy for my OH, we then waited 4 years and decided to try for a sibling for our eldest, not sure why but you automatically think your second will be a girl, at the 20 week scan we were told we were having a boy, i was slightly disappointed but my OH acted devastated, after a week a so i got my head around it and started shopping etc and he was/is the most beautiful little boy that i feel truly blessed to have, then just over a year later i suffered a miscarriage on new years eve it was horrific i was in hospital for 3 days. The strange thing was that the pregnancy wasn't planned and i wasn't even considering another baby but after this i felt really broody, by the March i was pregnant again after literally 1 slip convinced it was fate, i felt so different with this one, sick and tired all day long i was convinced i was carrying a girl, low and behold 20 week scan another boy :)
    This time i did feel gutted, everyone's comments were 'never mind, at least youll be well looked after when your old' or 'gutted bet you well wanted a girl'. After a few tears and lots of over thinking i tried to take myself back to how i felt when i had the miscarriage and how much i wanted that baby whatever it was, again after a few weeks and the initial shock of being completely outnumbered at home i was fine and busy shopping again, when he was born all 9lb 11oz of him i was over the moon, he is my cheeky little monkey and my boys are my life.

    Then comes this pregnancy, my OH was due for a referral for the snip after Christmas, i can take the contraceptive pill due to family history and severe migraines. We had a slip up at OH Christmas party so on the Monday i swiftly took the morning after pill, drank and ate my way through Christmas and then after being 2 weeks late and no period i decided to take a test, when it came up positive there was a complete mixture of emotions, how would i cope with 4 kids, i was at my lowest weight and feeling great, our house is too small and termination did cross my mind and my OH was adamant that i shouldn't go through with it, we argued lots and i felt so unwell in the first trimester, anyway to cut this long story short i stood my ground and continued with the pregnancy and after 3 scans we are apparently expecting a girl, not sure ill believe it until she's here though! At my 16 week gender scan my heart was racing and i felt physically sick with nerves had they told me a boy yes i would have felt exactly the same as you, gender disappointment is real and you should not feel bad! However i can guarantee to you, you will start to feel better in next few weeks feeling kicks etc and once he is here you will forget all of this, plus the bond your 2 boys will have is amazing, i love seeing how close mine are.

    Try not to feel bad your hormones are all over the place, sending you massive hugs xxxx
     
  5. RoisinC

    RoisinC Well-Known Member

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    I have been through this too in this pregnancy and agree with what others have said. I have 2 boys and a girl already- this pregnancy was not planned my eldest is 19 and youngest 7. My boys have been hard work in so many ways and even though I love them both with all my heart and wouldn't change them, I really really wanted a little girl this time. I convinced myself it would be easier - my hubby is not as hands on as me and I just couldn't see myself standing on the football pitch age 45 + or dealing with a boisterous boy when my energy levels are already low - plus I really wanted my daughter to have a sister. But found out this baby is a boy at an early scan. I cried for 2 days on and off - I was shocked at how badly I took the news and felt guilty but looking back i know that it helped me to get those feelings out and I think I would have been a lot worse if I'd bottled it up and told myself I was selfish etc. At the end of the day I love all my kids the same regardless of gender or anything else and I now feel so much better to be expecting another boy and am excited about meeting him. You will get there too- just give yourself time. Just because you are a mummy doesn't mean you're not human- and you feel the way you feel and can't help it. It doesn't make you a bad person- or a bad mum. I think it's healthy to admit how you feel and deal with it. Good luck with your pregnancy 😊 xx
     
  6. clarew

    clarew Well-Known Member

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    Yes give yourself some time to think about it and you will gradually start to realise that it was always in the stars for this little boy to come to you and you were always destined to be the mum of these two boys. It is sad that it is mainly boys that give mums the gender disappointment. It was society and family that made me feel under pressure to make my third child a girl . And the horror from people at me having three boys. But now I just want to stick two fingers up at everyone that pulls a face and I wanna wear my mum of 3 boys badge with pride !! I have totally got my head round it. These boys were always ment to happen x
     
  7. Dodsy83

    Dodsy83 Well-Known Member

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    Ladies, thank you SO Much for your replies and sharing your stories with me!
    It has made me feel so much better knowing that other people have felt the same too and knowing that (hopefully) in a few weeks, I'll be in the swing of getting things prepared for this little boy.

    Thanks for the support and understanding, it means a lot to know that you ladies can understand how I'm feeling.

    Hope you have happy, healthy pregnancies with your little bundles, whatever sex they are :) xx
     
  8. MillersMissus

    MillersMissus Well-Known Member

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    This is baby number 1 for us, and we were both convinced I was having a boy (although I never actually said it out loud to anyone!!). OH kept referring to bump as him so when we found out girl, we were shocked. As much as OH won't admit it he was initially disappointed as he became a bit snappy and hated all girls clothes (we both aren't pink people so won't be dressing her in pink!!). I spent a week almost in tears because I realised I had wanted a boy.

    However, 3 weeks on and we are both truly smitten with our growing little girl already. It's natural to be disappointed, I don't care what anyone says!! Gender scans are fantastic for allowing you to get your head round the sex before they arrive. Don't beat yourself up though xx
     

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