Need to get this off my chest

[Rubys mummy]

Right, this might be long, bear with me...

Have been with OH for 6 years, we are happy and have a lovely home. This is my house, I bought it with my ex hubbie 14 years ago, kept it on when we divorced and it was a struggle for a few years on my own (had 3 jobs and a lodger at one point to keep afloat) Over these years I accured debts, loan, over draft and credit card...I have managed to keep it ticking over by consoladating debts etc but never seemed to get rid of the debt.

OH moved in about 3 years ago. I never asked anything of him, we split bills and I put him on the mortgage.

Now, we are looking to move house to a bigger famiy home. I am so terrified of having to admit my debts when we go to bank for a new mortgage. I have buried my head for long enough now, he has never asked me, and I have never told him I have debts but I feel embarrassed to admit it, like he will think less of me for it?? dont know what to do, its making me ill...I am getting to the point where its all I can think of, and I am always snapping anf being horrible to him.

I have worked hard all my life, I am not frivilious, rarely buy for myself -I have got into this mess trying to juggle everything over the years. I have been working full time again since Ruby was born in a great job but never seem to be able to get this sorted

Sorry for waffling...thaks if you have got this far!!

 

[1sttimemum]

i think you should just be honest with him, its going to be hard but if he loves you he will listen an understand and help.

I got myself 10k in debt and my OH helped me out when we got the mortgage we used extra money to pay it off, so basically now, as a family he has taken my debts on. i ALWAYS said if we split up id get a separate loan to take this money back on.
Good luck hunny

 

[fran_23]

that wasn't even long hun!
I think you know what ppl are gonna advise .. i know it will be hard but it is time to come clean,
your OH and Ruby are your family hun and you are all meant to support each other!
I doubt your OH will think any less of you and will probably just wonder why you have kept this to yourself all this
time, I bet you will feel relieved to get it out and have some support, as you say you have been juggling it and keeping afloat..
it will just mean he knows about it and you can get it sorted together and get a bigger place!!
You must be under constant stress having this in the back of your mind all the time..take a deep breath sit him down
and tell him..then you will feel better and deal with it together you will make yourself ill if you keep this to yourself anymore and it sounds like your very happy and sorted in every other way so once you bite the bullet think how much happier you will feel!
xxxx

ps i forgot to say maybe if you find it really hard to tell him you could write him a letter..
sometimes its easier to write everything you want to say down as when you try and say it you forget stuff or find it hard to be totally honest.

 

[Lorna]

I think you need to sit down with your OH, but be prepared before you do, have information to hand about all of your debts that you can give him and maybe work out a repayment plan so that he can see that you are trying to deal with them sensibly.

At the end of the day he will have benefitted considerably by being put onto your mortgage so I doubt very much he can expect you to struggle along on your own now, after all you're a family, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say.

When me and my OH first moved in together he earned considerably more than I did but I stupidly insisted we paid 50/50 for everything, this got me into some debt, it wasn't until I swallowed my pride and fessed up that I was struggling that we sat down did a revised budget and got things sorted.

It will be hard but I am sure he wll probably surprise you and be understanding.

 

[jennywren]

aww zoe you gotta just bite the bullet and come clean but dont think he will think less of you because he will not! If anything show him this post if you don't want to say it, just say, Ive got something to tell you but Im finding it really difficult so I asked the girls for help, could you just read it off their for me and show him and then you can work through it together.

Best of luck hun although Im pretty sure you WONT need it!!!

 

[Jen & Her Men]

Exact same thing happened to me hun. I got into a lot of debt during and after uni as i had to fend for myself and didnt get a bean from home and then my first job paid crap wages so the spiral into debt just continued and like you it was all so i could live - not frivolity or anything.

I admitted it to DH but did tell him i was very embarrassed about it and told him i found it very difficult to talk about. Like you it all came to a head when we were looking to buy a house together and had to state our current debt.

He was a bit shocked at first but understood how it had happened and was really good about helping me out - not just by giving me money but by seeking advice for me on how to get rid of it etc.

The best thing you can possibly do is talk to him. IF you think there is going to be a problem then I would also seek advice on what you can do productively about your debt so that he can see you are doing something about it and not burying your head in the sand.

debt is a horrible thing and has caused me many a sleepless night in the past. I was guilty of trying to ignore its existance but all it did was make it worse so my biggest bit of advice would be to tell OH and try to do something about it together. Cos if you dont and ignore it all that will happen is the problem will get bigger.

Good luck chick

 

[Misslarue]

My mum went through a very similar thing recently. She got married about 6 weeks ago and wanted to tell her OH that she had 14k on a credit card. The interest alone was ridiculous Anyway she had been worried sick about it for months and although she had ran up the debt over along period of time while they weren't living together, she knew she had to tell him before they got married. She was worried sick, to the point she thought he would call off the wedding! muppet that she is! He was very supportive and said he would help her sort it all out. He told her she was silly for keeping it to herself for so long!

Like everyone says hun, you need to tell him. You will feel so much better when you do. It's not as if you have gone crazy, spending money on new things. In fact if you hadn't struggled you all wouldn't be living in the house you do now. This happened over time and for things that your family needed. It's easy for anyone to find themselves in this position.
Let us know how you get on hun