Need advice (very long rant)

[Merfairy]

Hi all,

My partner and I are not getting on at all and have been having some troubles for around three weeks. I am feeling insecure and more clingy then usual, which is somewhat irritating my OH. He has little patience with me and keeps snapping at me. I seem to do everything wrong and feel like he is looking elsewhere as his interest in me has dwindled. I asked him if he would ever marry me last night and he said he would not at the moment as he feels I am not in a good place to be marrying him and that our relationship is not stable enough. I know I can be difficult at times, but he can too. He also remarked on getting money from a divorce (he is due), then marrying me, us getting a house and me leaving him and taking half of everything after a couple of years, I mean .. what?? Last night he was intolerant as usual, and when I was trying to snuggle up to him and be loving; I noticed something in his hair, so I removed it (as you do) and he said 'stop assessing me' and he got really ratty. I ended up crying and he was huffing and puffing. I mean we were stable enough to try for a baby, so why not take it further I wonder?

He claims recently he lost his mobile phone; I had got suspicious of something last week and checked his phone and found he had been texting a female work colleague on his personal mobile to her personal mobile, and I got arsey. I know I shouldn't have checked his phone, but in our work we have work mobiles for work purpose. So it caused an argument and he said I was being paranoid. Now he claims he has lost his phone and only has his work mobile to be contactable on which is fine, but he does not usually lose things I have to say... but hey it happens..

Also.. when I am in a good mood he says I am manic, when I am tearful he says I am suicidal (his words not mine) and if I am angry for something he says I am bi polar or something alike.. the trouble is we both work in mental health and using the terminology in our personal relationship, can be upsetting... I am starting to feel low as I don't know how to be with him or how to act as everything I do he picks on. I have thought about leaving him as I don't know if I want to be in this situation of uncertainty for another 8 weeks. I asked if he wanted me to bugger of and give him space and he said 'do what you want'...

He says its in my head; maybe it is some of it, but he is irritated with me and seems to put me in tears easily. I am aware I am hormonal, on constant PMT and not sleeping, which is not fun but he won't make time, even though I am over emotional sometimes; I am feeling insecure and feel like its getting worse...


I feel fed up today (really?) and anxious about stuff and just wanted to off load. Should I leave him and go it alone, after all he told me he might kick me out in May anyway or should I stick it out... all I know is when the baby comes I want to be a safe place where I can mother my baby and look after her; I am at a point where I don't care where I am, but I need to feel secure so I am able to nest... I do not want to bring our baby in to a problem situation, but I don't want to go it alone either. I know I am having a bad day, but I needed to get this stuff out it is eating me up today.



Thankyou for reading, feels good to have a rant!

 

[cherelle]

Oh hun

Sorry i cant be much help but what i would say is dont make any rash decisions - i dont think we are in the right state of mind to with all the hormones and everything we have to deal with in late pregnancy. On a better day youll probably look at everything a lot differently?

It sounds like your OH has said some hurtful things but i do think our OHs deal with a lot sometimes. If he loved you enough to try for a baby then he obviously wanted a future with you and its probably just as difficult for him dealing your hormones as it is for you!

Maybe try and have some time for yourself to put things into perpective? Go out with a friend or visit your parents or something xx

 

[riotfox]

I agree with Cherelle. I think you need to go and do something for yourself that you enjoy doing.

Maybe when you have your head clear you and your OH could do something nice together with nothing else interfering?

xx

 

[PinkPanther]

Hmmm this is a tricky one. What was his attitude towards you like before you got pregnant?

Personally I think you need a good heart to heart, it will be upsetting but it's more upsetting to carry on like this. You both need to know where you stand with your relationship. I think it may be better to do this before baby is born.

Have you got anywhere you can go to for a couple of days to give yourself some headspace/thinking time?

 

[nmf1987]

im sorry to hear this hun. maybe it is worth having abit of time apart. just a night or something. is there anyone a friend or something you can stay with for a night. have abit of fun for you and see if it hits home with him what he has got in his life. xxx

 

[Merfairy]

Hi, I was out on Friday evening and on return he was saying I missed you etc etc.. but the weekend still ended up a mess...

I am thinking about buggering of for a couple of days, but is so hard because I love him... before we got pregnant things at times were tense, but we managed to see them through... maybe the pregnancy is added stress to an already 'at times' stressful situation.. we planned the baby to which seems wrong now as it is seeming to be having a bad impact and not a good one.. we clearly did not plan us well !!

Maybe we both need time apart.. He is bringing his son over tonight so we won't get much resolving done this evening, I think I will just go to bed early.. maybe my hormones are making things worse, but they are so hard to keep in tact.. !!!!




Thanks for replies, again sorry for the rant..

 

[PinkPanther]

Don't be sorry hun, that's what we're here for.

Try and have a good sleep, and remember that whatever the outcome of your relationship your little baby in your arms will give you more joy than you have ever known.

 

[wookie]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this hun...I would defenitely avoid the marriage subject for now as he obviously has issues that won't be solved overnight,let him come to you rather than ask more than he can give you at the moment..being not married doesn't mean he doesn't love you and I don't think it will help you feel more secure in the long term..whatever happens he's going to be the father of your child and that's a huge commitment.If you feel the need to go away for a couple of days do so,it's not good to be in each other pockets all the time ! you both sound very stressed and maybe you need to have a little more fun together to help you remember why you've fallen for each other and what's good in your relationship ? I think keeping the communication going is the key because sometimes we tend to suffer in silence then explode or nag rather than communicate effectively ( I know more easy said than done!)..you will soon have your beautiful baby and you're right when you say you need a nice environement to bring the baby up,you will need to be a team or it will be very difficult.I hope I don't sound too patronising I don't have all the answers and I can only talk for myself but my advice is keep talking to each others in a positive way, have fun together and don't be scared to trust him or you will push him away.All the best XX

 

[purplehippy]

we planned the baby to which seems wrong now as it is seeming to be having a bad impact and not a good one..

I thought this, with my bloke too. I packed my things in January this year and eventually gave him an ultimatum. That was around the end of Feb. Apart from the last few weeks where we have both been stressed, he has really worked with that kicking up the butt I gave him.

For what reason is he saying he might throw you out in May? What a callous thing to say. And to analyse you the way he has, when you are happy, sad or angry - what a cock!

It sounds to me like he needs a good shock to make him realise what he is being like and what he could lose. And to assume you'd marry him then take it all - how sad. I'm guessing he's speaking on worries over his divorce, probably though - he's probably very stressed with the divorce. My OH is having ex troubles over his 9 year old, so I can understand that part.

Some of these men have no idea what they have til it's gone. After we'd been together 2 months, I managed to do something that really upset my OH plus there was some misunderstanding with it. He told me 'feel free to leave'. So I did. And he didn't realise I would. And grovelled for me to come back.

Many times, even this week as well, I've thought over my decision to come back. But he is lovely, he's just a typically spoilt only child who has been through hell over the last year with losing his last remaining parent, to an awful type of cancer.

How pregnant are you, and can you stay with your mum for a week or so? Only that's what I would do at this point. It is hard when you love them but it's easier than you think to disappear for a little and let them stew.

 

[Merfairy]

we planned the baby to which seems wrong now as it is seeming to be having a bad impact and not a good one..

I thought this, with my bloke too. I packed my things in January this year and eventually gave him an ultimatum. That was around the end of Feb. Apart from the last few weeks where we have both been stressed, he has really worked with that kicking up the butt I gave him.

For what reason is he saying he might throw you out in May? What a callous thing to say. And to analyse you the way he has, when you are happy, sad or angry - what a cock!

It sounds to me like he needs a good shock to make him realise what he is being like and what he could lose. And to assume you'd marry him then take it all - how sad. I'm guessing he's speaking on worries over his divorce, probably though - he's probably very stressed with the divorce. My OH is having ex troubles over his 9 year old, so I can understand that part.

Some of these men have no idea what they have til it's gone. After we'd been together 2 months, I managed to do something that really upset my OH plus there was some misunderstanding with it. He told me 'feel free to leave'. So I did. And he didn't realise I would. And grovelled for me to come back.

Many times, even this week as well, I've thought over my decision to come back. But he is lovely, he's just a typically spoilt only child who has been through hell over the last year with losing his last remaining parent, to an awful type of cancer.

How pregnant are you, and can you stay with your mum for a week or so? Only that's what I would do at this point. It is hard when you love them but it's easier than you think to disappear for a little and let them stew.

Hey, am in 33 week now... I coud go and stay with freinds or family, but will try the giving him space I think and see what comes. Still have some time before baby is born...

Thanks for replies everyone xx