I am sooo upset....don't know what to do....please advise

[Julia]

I am 34 weeks pregnant. My DH has gone out for the evening to the local pub ( he wanted me to go with him but feeling too tired now). He left his new mobile at home and his friend phoned him on it. After i had hung up I spent some time looking at what his new phone could do. I discovered that in his download video folder he has four downloaded porn files. I am sooo upset because it seems to be never ending: I have found a soft porn mag (not a collection, just 1), he has been on the computer looking at it. I am not really against porn - I know that for many men it is normal to have some. I am just really upset to discover it now on his phone! He has not been near me throughout the pregnancy so I suppose I feel down about that also. What do you think I should say when he comes back? Our marriage is now suffering because of it. Don't know what to do for the best....please advise!

J xx

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

id tlk to him hun explain to him how u r feeling and see wot he has to say about it - men will be men as the saying goes - my OH loves his porn i used to really disagree with it but it caused loads of arguements so i have lernt to live with it!!

 

[Hypnorm]

Personally i wouldn't worry about it - maybe it is his way of 'relieving him self' as he may view you as unavailable at the moment - some men get turned on by pregnant women - some worry that sex may harm the baby.
Its didfficult to say as i don't know either of you. He may get offended that you have been looking at files on his phone. i don't know.

Difficult to suggest what to do or say, depends if he is an easy bloke to talk to who actually listens!

 

[Julia]

Thanks Hypnorm and Sarah for honest and sensible advice,

I feel that DH is cheating on me by looking at these images (believe me, these girls are nothing to look at). I feel so down about it but don't know whether I will say anything about it when he gets in. I feel like doing something really dramatic like leaving him BUT (a) I don't want to upset myself and the baby any further (b) I know I am hormonal (c) I can't be bothered. I am by no way a prude (we have watched films together in the past and don't really have anything against porn) but I am just worried he might get up to other things also....I feel soooooo upset, frumpy and vulnerable. I think he now views me as a mother and not in a sexual way at all...

Jxx

 

[hearts81]

My Oh was like that. When i moved in with him i had to throw out so many magazines!!! I then found loads of it on his computer.

I did used to have a go at him at first cos it used to upset me. But that used to embarrss/annoy him so we'd have awkward moments.

But i eventually realised that there was nothing really to be angry about because at least he wasn't going out all the time so he wasn't cheating on me and our sex life was great so it wasn't affecting me.

So I started making it into a joke and say stuff like- ' I found your mag you little perv ha ha' and 'whats this website you been looking at? She looks like a dog!'

Now he thinks i a cool girlf and he doesn't really look at porn just the odd occasion (i got good at checkin websites visited et )and i dont mind the odd occasion.

If you feel you gotta mention it I'd suggest you say something jokey cos if you don't men have a way of turning it on you eg- 'what you doing looking at my stuff!'-You know what i mean

 

[Juzza]

Julia,

I know it must seem even more upsetting especially when ur at such a fragile stage in the pregnancy - i think i cried most from 32-36 wks!

I honestly wouldn't be too upset - i don't know any men who don't occasionally look at a bit of porn (soft or otherwise) For all you know his mates sent it to him for a laugh (as often happens) these things always do the rounds at work - luckily (or not!) my hubby shows me them every now and then for comedy value.

I know it might seem like he's cheating but the positive is that you didn't find any pics/vids of 'real' girls with him - that sounds shit but you know what i mean.

I'm sure hubby loves you loads or he wouldn't be having this beautiful little one with you - men are very strange - they either go completely off sex cos of the protection/fear factor or turn into rampant rabbits cos their mates tell them pregnant women are well up for it! (ha ha)

Cheer up chick
Lots of love Juz xxx

 

[Julia]

Thanks Juz and Hearts,

You have made me feel sooo much better about the whole thing. I won't explode when he comes in (like I was going to). I will just make it known that I know it is there. This is the only real problem in our marriage (apart from silly things like too much TV and other little annoying things!!). I have sooo much pride in my appearance - even at this stage in pregnancy I am trying to look as glamourous as possible. That is why I feel sooo upset and confused when these overweight, greasy girls are pleasing him on his phone more than me (could understand more if it was Pam Anderson etc).

I am just going to concentrate on getting through the next six weeks and look forward to seeing my little miracle who we both want and love SO much.

ANY OTHER REASSURING ADVISE IS WELCOME!!!

 

[hearts81]

Hi they could also be just for a laugh if you know what i mean! Carl and even me have videos of people having sex ets cos friends have sent them to us- they're always fun to pass on to the easy shocked haha!

So it could just be lads passing them on to each other.

 

[Julia]

Hearts,

Thanks for replying again. It maybe the fact that friends are passing them on BUT it looks like he has downloaded them from a phone company. Also, we work together, and in our type of job, there is no way they would pass these clips around just incase you got caught.
The clips he has look like they are amateur and certainly not professional but I am sure they are downloaded - can you download such wobbly film clips? NO - he is not in them and they have different accents!!!!

 

[hearts81]

NO - he is not in them and they have different accents!!!!

The fact that are different accents means he either downloaded them or got them off some mate somewhere who did download them. He'll have either downloaded them out of curiosity and part fun or if he got them off a mate he'd have saved them for a laugh (like i usually do)

PM if u want to talk X

 

[Hypnorm]

those things are really expensive to download - about 3 - 5 quid per thing. i think once you've downloaded one you keep getting some sent to your phone..at a cost..
I haven't downloaded any but i was looking at the small print in on of the sunday papers.. as you do! (obviously i was bored or sumthin!)

 

[v11kae]

Hey people,

When i first met my other half I found porn. Ok they were dusty but when i asked when he had them he said in his previous relationship when things didnt go to well and he needed relieved he would play it at the same time, helps with imagination apparently???

OK, i know guys dont have a good a imagination as us and i certainly know guys get paranoid getting sexual during our pregnancy so maybe your OH put 2 and 2 together. Certainly better than going out for the real thing. Guys are a strange breed and certainly more sexual than your typical woman.

Things could always be worse, so keep your chin up pet. If you blow your horn it would make him feel he cant talk to you about things so if you take the calm easy approach he'll think your being understand and I'm sure he'll help you to!

Goodluck pet.

 

[Julia]

Thanks v11kae and Hearts,

I have a clearer head this morning and did not actually say anything to him when he came in last night. I think I will just keep an eye on things and if any more appear, I will have a word with him. TO be honest, at this stage in my pregnancy I can't be bothered getting upset with DH. I think if it continues after the pregnancy or if more and more of these images appear, then is the time to start asking questions.

He does joke openly about the fact that he has not had any action for a long time and that his right arm is now very muscular! When we were trying for our baby, we were only having sex at the right time of the month and DH said he felt pressurized and that it was far too medical. So our sex life was not amazing before....things are going to change after I have had the baby (given time)....New undies, bits down below kept under control, nails painted etc.....

Thanks Hearts for your replies...I really appreciate it. You maybe hearing from me through PM if I get upset again...xx

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

sound like ihis in for the shock of his life

 

[v11kae]

Just remember that guys although to us gals it seems shallow they actually judge the affection and feelings towards them a lot by how sexually turned on their partner gets. My partner is such a gentleman and i know that when my mind has been elsewhere and he hasnt been getting any action he has actually asked me if i am goin off him.

Its always important no mater how much you love your partner or how long you have been togetehr to make an effort to keep the flame burning or atleast talk to them and let them know how you are feeling. We might be close to our other halfs but no one is a psychic,( well that i know of here!! lol )

Atleast your partner is making some sort of effort even though it may be through jokes to let you know whats happening. A lot of guys wouldnt even do that.

Things could always be worse, just always think of the good things you have and keep a smile on that lovely face!

 

[Julia]

Thanks v11kae

It is so good that everyone is so positive on this site. Many people would have probably said "go mad with him" etc...but I know this does not work. I am really looking forward to this baby (and he is so excited about it). I am not going to let the problem get in the way of the excitement!

 

[hearts81]

Thanks Hearts for your replies...I really appreciate it. You maybe hearing from me through PM if I get upset again...xx

No probs. hope everything going ok