Losing hope its gonna work out :(

[averagegirl]

hi everyone,
feeling a bit low today,and its been building up for a while,im pretty sure its not hormones of pregnancy thats making me feel this way,its just my OH(other half),we have been together a long time 13 years and half one child together,i have another older child from previous relationship,everything was kinda ok up until about a year ago,or so i thought so,until i found out last year that my OH had been having online relationship with some young 18 year old girl via his xbox(which btw he plays every single day)he btw is 39 yrs old,
i never kind of minded his gaming habit,even though it did take up alot of his free time at home,staying up late,chatting online via microphone etc normally 3-6 hours per day or longer,but like i say he met a young girl online via his xbox which then lead to sykpe chat,photos etc,this went on for about a month and a half before i found it.
Needless to say it was pretty hurtfull especially when i read all the emails(which he thought he had deleted)it was all really personal stuff,as i guess you can imagine,even talking about me to her
Anyhow i kicked his arse and his stuff outta the door,we broke up for about 2-3 monthes,then we decided to give it another go since we had 12 years together,he has always been a good dad to his child,so i carnt diss him in that area,we talked our problems out,and tried to make the effort to spend more time together,he always moaned about never having any money left after paying his share of the bills,so i put a plan down for him which we agreed so he can pay off his debt quicker,and now that is gone,
So everything should be peachy now right?wrong
the last few monthes we have argued more since getting back together than we ever did in the 12 yrs previous,and i do feel,it is all HIM starting it,which may sound unfair,but seriously last weekend he started banging doors and moaning at me for the whole day because 1~ i needed the toilet when he was in there,and 2~ because i made the bed!!!(he said he wanted to get back in bed at half 11am) to which i said thats fine then,just get back in,and all i got was grief all day because of it,i was totally gobsmacked at how such little things are setting him off lately,i tried to ignore it and keep calm,but he told out daughter later on that day to 'make my 'life as hard as possible' in a nasty way,
then i just kinda flipped and told him to stay outta my way until he said sorry,which he did 2 days later,but this weekend he then still blames his bad mood for being my fault again,so he never really meant the apology,
i booked bowling for my kids,,as i promised i would take them in holiday,he then moans that he wont bowl with us because i booked the kids lane(which is glow in the dark,i thought my girl would love it) my OH says no he will only play in adult lane,cause i guess the kids lane it 'too uncool to be in'.i said i didnt book it for him,i im going for my daughter,as i promised her,he is soooooooooo selfish,all the time,he never seems happy,unless everything goes his way,
i dont bring up the past since we got back together,we decided to lay it to rest(even though he slept with 2 different woman within 2 weeks of us splitting up which was also hurtful)i find it hard to forget sometimes,but it doesnt do any good to drag it up,i just have to trust he wont do it again,even though he still plays games,everyday!(he was meant to be cutting down on the game play since we got back together)
my little girl would be devistated if we split again,she is 8,and im 7 monthes pregnant(with his child,i fell pretty quickly when we got back together,a bit unexpected as it took 2 years of trying with my girl)
i have 2 monthes to go and i feel so unhappy,why carnt he be happy with what we have?a nice home,a family,he has a secure job,our bills get paid,and yet he always feels the need to moan and nag about evey little thing possible,things that actually in fact dont matter,he gets so stressed,and im sick of it,he is never grateful for anything he has,and wants everything he hasnt got,if you know what i mean?
and he never helps me around the house either,i did all the decorating the bathroom on my own last weekend,from top to bottom and all i got was moaned at because he didnt like the smell of the paint!i didnt get a thankyou for dong it at all,
i dont know what i want anyone to say on hereit ?i just feel abit low, i just dont feel he loves me enough,and getting back together was a bad idea,i have tried to talk to him several times,but he never takes it in,or in afew days he blames it on my and my hormones,its never his fault
ps,sorry for the very long story

 

[kat86]

Ah Hun, sorry to hear you are having such a crap time!! It's so tough when relationships aren't great never mind with the added stress and emotions of being pregnant!! Sending you big hugs xxxx

 

[Kayelle]

Don't really know what to say but wanted to send hugs!! Tbh, he sounds like an arse! I hope you feel better soon and things work out for you.
P.s , kids bowling lane sounds amazing!! I wanna go lol x

 

[Jayjay027]

If you have spoken to him about all this already, which you say you have, and he still doesn't take any heed of what's upsetting u, I'd be out of there like a shot!
You're daughter may be upset, but surely him sulking around and picking stupid fights with u all the time is much worse for her in the long run?!

He sounds very selfish and quite spoiled. And maybe I'm way off or out of line, but it seems like he resents u a little bit for coming between him and his xbox girl.

The very fact that he did that to u, and u found out and split up with him over it, should make him see exactly what he's got with u, and as a result, he should appreciate u 100 times more than he did before! But instead, he's making u miserable. Fighting with u cuz u made the bed?! Are u kidding me?!?!

Maybe I'm harsh, but I wouldn't put up with that at all. I'd have his bags packed and I'd tell him how miserable u r because of him. If he truly loves u, he'll do everything in his power to keep u. But he needs to know that his attitude and behavior are not acceptable.

Sorry for the long post! I really hope ur ok and get this resolved soon xx

Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk

 

[averagegirl]

i do feel you have hit the nail on the head on quite afew things you say,i thought splitting up with him when i found out what he was doing would make him appreciate me a bit more once he realized what he had lost,and that he would show me a bit more attention when he came back,but it seems to be the oppersite
maybe he does resent me for finding out about him and this other girl?it seemed quite a fantasy world for him,he even lied about his age to her saying he was only 29,haha!hes 39,she never saw pictures of him,but he got plenty of photos of her in her undies,as part of my revenge before i kicked him out i sent her a nice email saying she was welcome to him,told her his real age and then sent a real bad crappy picture i had of him on my computer,greasy hair,unshaven,a real mess,it kinda made me feel better at the time

but i always now feel uneasy when he is on the xbox,he is meant to have blocked her,she lives in the states,and were in uk so there was probably no chance they would ever meet,it was just all the hurtful things he said about me in the emails that crossed the line,it really knicked my confidence,now im 33 and i am always being told i look in my early 20s,i take care of my apperence and have never had trouble attracting men,my OH friends all fancy me,but now i kinda feel like crap cause my OH looked elsewhere and slagged me off behind my back,but i try to forgive and forget that past grey area,so why is he picking fights with me all the time?it seems on purpose?im a kinda laid back easy going person,so when he gets stressed over little things i really dont understand it?i think for the past year hes been going through a midlife crisis,though he would never admit it,he is coming up to 40,and he is always constantly worried he might get fat,he has quite a big ego,and loves it when woman pay him attention(he is in a music band)he wanted to get tattoos last year(cause this 18 year old had some,i found out he wanted to get the same ones she had!)he likes to hang out with the younger lads at work,he never acts his age,i really dont think i can put up with his man moods any longer,it is making me quite unhappy

If you have spoken to him about all this already, which you say you have, and he still doesn't take any heed of what's upsetting u, I'd be out of there like a shot!
You're daughter may be upset, but surely him sulking around and picking stupid fights with u all the time is much worse for her in the long run?!

He sounds very selfish and quite spoiled. And maybe I'm way off or out of line, but it seems like he resents u a little bit for coming between him and his xbox girl.

The very fact that he did that to u, and u found out and split up with him over it, should make him see exactly what he's got with u, and as a result, he should appreciate u 100 times more than he did before! But instead, he's making u miserable. Fighting with u cuz u made the bed?! Are u kidding me?!?!

Maybe I'm harsh, but I wouldn't put up with that at all. I'd have his bags packed and I'd tell him how miserable u r because of him. If he truly loves u, he'll do everything in his power to keep u. But he needs to know that his attitude and behavior are not acceptable.

Sorry for the long post! I really hope ur ok and get this resolved soon xx

Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk

 

[Xcitedmum]

without trying to be too hurtful or to aim for the jugular, reading your post makes me think that ur OH isnt happy and regrets getting back into the relationship, I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong but he seems distracted and longing for whatever thrill he was getting out of the freedom of the false relationship he was having with the xbox girl?

Your OH is nitpicking and making you feel like you can't do anything right... it's wrong and you shouldn't stand for it... take some time out with your kids and your little one on the way -he will be the one who loses out in the end.

I hope you get answers soon along with the strength to see whatever answer is staring you in the face, you sound like a genuine strong, good natured mother - good luck xxx

 

[littlemuffin]

He sounds like an idiot. Leaving you 7 months pregnant to paint.
Are you happy really. Don't stay with him because of he children. They won't always be there and they would rather a happy home than one filled with him making you sad.

 

[littlemuffin]

He sounds like an idiot. Leaving you 7 months pregnant to paint.
Are you happy really. Don't stay with him because of he children. They won't always be there and they would rather a happy home than one filled with him making you sad.

 

[Sassysugar]

God your oh is an idiot isn't he! (thats putting it politely) You are far more forgiving than I would be. You sound like such a strong woman and you deserve to be happy. Like one of the girls said, I think he is regretting getting back together so he is picking fights with you on purpose. He is a fool for not seeing how good he has it with you. I certainly wouldnt have forgiven him for everything with the girl online, but he also slept with 2 people a couple of weeks after you split.

I know it would be really hard but do you want to be with someone like this, he doesn't sound like the same person you had been with for 12 years. I know your daughter would be upset but you deserve so much more, someone who appreciates you and makes you happy. Sending you a hug I hope I haven't upset you.

 

[averagegirl]

to be honest,i think what he is going through is a mid life crisis,and have thought so for a while,i have tried to look at all the reasons today and his attitude,and it is not my fault why he is acting like this,it is his own doing,i look at all these facts....
1,he was having an online emotional affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter
2,he wanted to get the same tattoos as her at the time,but told me it was just cause he wanted to do it as they looked cool
3,when we split for 2-3 he loved the single life,stayin out late with mates
4,he blew all his wages on new clothes,he was sleepin on his mums floor at the time,didnt give a penny to her over 2 months
4,when we talked about getting back together,he said he didnt know what he wanted,the family life,or being single,he couldnt decide as he enjoyed both,he loved the idea of family life but not the respnsibiltiy or being tied down,he felt guilty for leaving his child,but i told him to go away and think about it until he was sure what he wanted,and not to come back just for the sake of his child,but only if he loved me
5,even though he said he was sorry about emotionally cheating on my with the 18 yr old online,he still continued to talk to her even when we split up,which in my mins showed little remorse over what he had done,i told him and he still didnt understand
6,since we have been back together,he has quite short temper some days over little things then on other days he is nice to me,i never know what kind of mood he will be in?
7,lately he is very paranoid about his weight,he even went to boots for a bmi check,he is like barely 3 pounds overweight,i tell him all the time he is not fat at all,he jogs as a hobby,but he still feels over weight ,specially cause he looks at younger guys at work and see they are slimmer,fitter than him,he isnt as slim as he used to be,but for his height he looks good,no matter what i say he is worried about his looks,he wanted to get powerful diet pills online,i told him 'no' they are a very bad idea(he got addictive to lemsips once,the strong ones)i was afraid he would depend on them too muc,thankfully he listened
8,theres a part of me that still feels he only came back for out child,and now another is on the way he is beginning to feel trapped again,he may love me somewhat,but probably not in the way he should,or not enough?

he wants the best of both worlds,family and singledom,he had a taster and really enjoyed it for those few monthes,that and he is turning 40 and i think he is lashing out in this strange midlife crisis ,problem is im not sure i have the patience to hang around long enough to see if he comes out of it?and finally see's what he has?
how long do you give someone like that,i always said when we got back together that if iit didnt work out then at least i could say i tried,
but yes,he has days at the moment where i feels he punishes me and picks needlessfights because he feels he is kind of trapped in this mundane life,i have been low this whole weekend,crying to myself in places where kids and him cannot see,he knows i am sad and has been nice to me today and yesterday,but at the moment i dont wish to talk to him,im trying to figure out what to do?
in 13 years i have never cheated on him,the house is always tidy and well kept,the kids dont go without,tea is always on the table,i dont mind decorating myself,infact i enjoy it and always get a burst of engery to do it in late pregnancy,im not sayin im 100% perfect housewife but i try my best,i have off days too like anyone,but i do feel lately he made the wrong choice for him,and i can feel it

 

[Kbex]

The issue is not just about whether you love each other bit what respect you both have left for each other. Carrying on emailing that girl is a total lack of respect for you and your feelings. It then must be hard for you to respect or even like him when he's being horrible to you. You need o sit down and have an honest discussion with each other. Explain to him how you feel that the life he has chosen is making him angry etc. tell him he can't have both and he needs to chose what he wants out of life. You also need to tell him what you want from life ie can you carry on like this? I believe, not that you have, that you can't tell people what to do. It's for them to chose what to do and how to behave and they have to love with the consequences of that. So if he chooses to continue this behaviour he has to understand that you might leave him and in 5 years time he might regret his decision but by then it will probably be too late as there could be another man in your and the children's lives. It must be so hard for you and the easiest thing would be just to say nothing so I think you are being amazingly strong facing this. Like everything it's so hard when you are in the middle of it all but in a few years time whatever happens you will look back abd know you made the right choices.

 

[MrsCow]

Hi, have just read ur thread and sorry u going through this. Sounds like mid life crises to me and praps some guilt for his xbox antics! I think more talking is needed BUT u need to be firm. He is in the wrong, u should not be dancing to his tunes, other way round. Xbox needs to go! No more, should be part of deal for fresh start and he needs to know u mean business. Things will just slip back to how they were otherwise, he hasnt lost anything, so why should he change anything? As for ur lovely kids, they pic up on his bad moods, they just want there mummy to be happy, u are there security, so you need to think more selfishly bout urself, ur kids and ur baby, you are no.1 not him xxx

 

[averagegirl]

im feeling a bit better since last weekend,i have been thinking things through in my own quiet way and i decided to let things run for a little longer ,i have 2 monthes more to go until baby due,time will tell what will happen when baby is here,i personally dont think he will change in the form i want him to,he noticed the other day i have been quiet and sad,he asked me one night in bed 'will i throw him out when baby is born?',so he must know something deep down inside me aint feeling right,
i just basically said in a calm way that i carnt see much hope for us in the future after baby is born,we have been argueing too much lately,i feel he doesnt understand me at all,and even when i try and talk to him about stuff he still does not understand my point of veiw,i find him quite selfish and i cannot stand him sometimes,i will snap one day soon,and next time i will tell him to leave,i can only take so much im afraid,i have already given him one chance and hoped he would appreciate me more,but he just doesnt show it enough,
he did tell me he does love me,i asked him if he felt 'did he make the right choice in coming back?and if he resents me for anything? to which his reply was 'no'
but i feel we are two completely different people,we dont have much in common and im getting tired and fedup of trying to talk to him about the same old problems,i dont wanna continue in circle,i told him all of this the other day,im not gonna lie to him,sometimes love aint enough,
so time will tell huh?

 

[MrsCow]

I really wish u well, we are here to listen if u need to bend an ear. Feel so sorry that u are going through this at such an exciting and vulnarable time in ur life, take care of urself, sending u hugs xx