Looooong one, sorry...

[littlemonkey]

Also wanted to say that our LOs are similar in age and I know with my son now that he is pushing boundaries at every opportunity. And this is particularly evident at the times OH and I do things differently. So even if LO is displaying difficult behaviour, it's not necessarily a result of any neglect etc by his ex, it could purely be because he does things different.

 

[mylullaby]

Yeah I don't think there's a lot you can do about the routine per say - like others have said, everyone does things differently you have to accept that he won't necessarily stick to the same routine as you. That is a separate issue to leaving him in his cot for hours though. I would separate those two issues in your mind actually - this should be less about him sticking to the routine and more about how worried you are that he's crying in his cot for hours in the morning. I think if you ask nspcc (or whoever) the part about the routine they will say you can't control his routine while he's not with you. If you say you're worried about him being left alone and possibly distressed in the morning, you may have a different response. Try not to get too hung up on the routine thing - you need to let that bit go (hard as it may be) and focus on what's important - that your lo is being taken care of. xxx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I may not have come across quite right in my post where I mentioned D messing with C's routine.

I posted that more as an insight into the way he (doesn't) think, but also said this after:
But that's by-the-by. There will be differences in the way we parent him, I know that. And there will be times I think he's done things wrong just cause they're not the way I'd do them, and times he'll think I'm wrong... We interact with C differently, that's fine, we're different people. Some of it may bug me, or downright piss me off, but, that's life.
When it comes to "abandoning" him though... That's a different story. Xx

He messaged just before 7:30 this morning to say C woke up at 7am, so, I guess that's a step in the right direction... Xx

 

[mylullaby]

Sorry - I missed that bit. Great that you've spoken to him and sounds like things are different today, so hopefully you feel a bit more relaxed about things with the reassurance text this morning. xxx

 

[clairebear22]

That's great that he text you! Looks like you'll have to do the text thing by 8am every time D has C overnight. Just to make sure all is ok

 

[LaceyKeo]

Urgh... So, the saga continues.

I wanna point out before I launch off that I'm well aware this could be absolutely nothing, circumstance, or a thousand other things.

C would NOT go into his room tonight.

I don't offer him naps through the day any more. If we're home and he decides he wants a nap, he'll start chanting "buh-bye" as he sidles off to his room.
At bedtime, we do whatever, he gets undressed, change his nappy, he puts his jammies on, we watch his two bedtime songs on DVD, hugs, then we go into his bedroom, I cover him over, tell him I love him and goodnight, and go, closing his door behind me.

That's bedtime.
That's how long it takes to get him to bed.
That's just, how it is.
(I believe I said in the first post how easy a child he is).

I've had the odd night where I've tried to put him down to early, and he's protested when his songs go on, so I've stopped them and left him to it for ten minutes, then just right on as usual.

So, tonight, we did all that, did the songs... I got up to walk him through, and he point blank downright refused to go.

I sat back down, and he WAILED.

I got up, he stopped.
I asked him about going to bed, he flat out refused to budge.

I sat back down.

He threw a fit. Collapsed on the floor howling.
This went on for a couple minutes, then went quiet.

Dude's head down bum up sound asleep on the living room carpet.

I know the last couple days are probably swaying my observations, but... It was like he was scared to go to his bedroom...

 

[MrsS143]

Was he at his dads last night?

 

[mylullaby]

Can you text your ex? Ask did anything happen you need to know about coz you've had a few issues with C tonight? You can be vague and see what he comes back with? Not surprised you're worried. Any chance you could start keeping a diary of all this so you have a record of what he's like / how he's different when he's been at his dad's? xx

 

[kumber]

This sounds really, really peculiar. Haven't any practical advice to offer but from what you've said something is absolutely not right.

 

[littlemonkey]

I would ask your ex if there had been any issues the night previously etc.

But if it makes you feel any better, my son had a similar tantrum tonight about going to bed. He'd not napped at the childminders all day so by the time I got him home he was a nightmare. We had an early bath and by 6pm he could hardly stand he was so tired. He had a complete meltdown about going into his bed in his room and kept saying he wanted to sleep in our bed. He hasn't slept in our bed since he was ill a couple of weeks ago either. Eventually he nodded off being cuddled by daddy in his room.

It honestly could have been anything. He's missed you and wanted cuddles with you, he's been allowed to sleep in his dad's room or dad's bed and wanted that at home, he's been allowed up later at dad's and wanted that at home or he's not napped at dad's and was an overtired nightmare. Or he's just two and that's what two year olds do at bedtime sometimes.

I think you just need to have an open a honest talk with dad that you're not happy with him staying there based on previous incidents. I think the problem is no matter what happens and what your ex says you will always fear the worst based on that. So it's going to continue to be an issue as long as he is there.

 

[Rooster30]

Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much. My son has been hit or miss lately and he's usually as good as yours is. Pyjamas, milk, teeth, story, goodnight and off we go without another peep. Lately it has been much more of a battle so it might just be an age thing or being overtired.

As others have suggested, casually speak to your OH about it.

 

[LaceyKeo]

It honestly could have been anything...
Or he's just two and that's what two year olds do at bedtime sometimes.

This was also what I was thinking.
It makes it extra difficult when he can't talk, so I literally have no idea what's wrong. Everything I ask is met with "yeah". He doesn't understand yet that it's an agreeing word, and "no" means the opposite. Even that would help.

He's woke up perfectly fine this morning.

Something's going on somewhere, I'm sure of that. He's fine at mine, then fine at Ds, then every time he's back from Ds, we have problems.
Either he's like with D too, because it's change, and D's just saying he's fine because he wants to be the "better parent whose kid never cries around him", or if I'm right an C's learning to fear his bedroom because he gets abandoned in it, or it's just... He's a two year old.
It just isn't like him.

I don't know what to make of if all.

Apparently, night before last when he was at Ds, he was fine. No issues, no nothin.

 

[kittikat489]

Hi lacy hope you don't mind me replying to you, have been reading your post and it took me back to 14 years ago, my ds is now 15 me and his dad spilt when he was 1, like you and your ex we shared nights with ds, everything wad perfect until he turned 2.5 he used to comme home from his dads first night impossible to settle, at this age they are finding their own little personalities, pushing the boundires, when he has a settled routine with mum then goes to dad who never has the same routine, it can be confusing for the child, my sins behavior got worse over the next 2 years very unsettled, I went to court to get it changed the court agreed with me, my ex got ds every second weekend and still does, I know he helps when your at work but its better for lo. Always trust your instinct, if you feel somethings not right then its prob not, I feel for you, you do what's right for you and lo, xxxx

 

[kittikat489]

Lots of hugs, I'm sure your head is fried, I have been there, you look after yourself and lo, I'm glad I changed it fir my ds he's a very happy grounded 15 year old, xxxx

 

[littlemonkey]

Hi lacy hope you don't mind me replying to you, have been reading your post and it took me back to 14 years ago, my ds is now 15 me and his dad spilt when he was 1, like you and your ex we shared nights with ds, everything wad perfect until he turned 2.5 he used to comme home from his dads first night impossible to settle, at this age they are finding their own little personalities, pushing the boundires, when he has a settled routine with mum then goes to dad who never has the same routine, it can be confusing for the child, my sins behavior got worse over the next 2 years very unsettled, I went to court to get it changed the court agreed with me, my ex got ds every second weekend and still does, I know he helps when your at work but its better for lo. Always trust your instinct, if you feel somethings not right then its prob not, I feel for you, you do what's right for you and lo, xxxx

On a similar note, I've been wondering how much your pregnancy is also having an impact on your LO's behaviour of late.

I'm convinced that my son is picking up on things with me being pregnant and acts up more as a result. It could be the combination of his age, the difference between mum and dad and then the new baby at home coming soon are all adding up and getting to him.

 

[kittikat489]

Lacey if you think for 1 sec your ex isn't giving LO 100%, do what you need to do, its so hard when they stay away when you don't know what's happening, gosh this is bringing back so many feelings for me, I understand everything your going through, xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

Thank you for the additional replies ladies.
Kitti, it's interesting to hear you've been in a similar position.

Just an update for the weekend...

So I had C Fri night and last night.

He was a bit grouchy in Fri afternoon, but settled down nice by about 3pm and we had a lovely evening together. Come bedtime, he upped an toodled into his room, and that was that.

Yesterday morning, he woke up at 5am, padded through to my room and climbed up into my bed, head down, bum up, so I hauled him over to the other side an told him to lay down, and he went back to sleep until just before 7am.

He was lovely all day yesterday. Behaved beautifully, did as he was told. We had a crazy morning rampaging through the flat an making one heck of a mess, a quiet afternoon chilling out, then tidied up in the evening before bed.
Bedtime: off he toodled, into bed, sleep.

This morning, he padded through about 6:20am, so I hauled him over again an told him to lay down. He didn't go back to sleep, but lay there quietly (ish) amusing himself until about 6:50 when he decided enough was enough an we were getting up.

He's been pretty good again this morning.


In terms of being affected by the pregnancy... I don't know.
He doesn't "know" I'm pregnant, or that there's another baby on the way. He doesn't talk or really understand much speech or anything still at the moment. He'll point at my tummy now and say "beebee", but, that's just what he thinks it's called, if that makes sense.
He's probably aware that mum can't do as much as she was, but I do my best to get round that. Like, instead of getting on the floor to do his shoes, he comes up on the couch so I don't have to bend down, and stuff like that.
That being said... I have no idea what they actually "pick up" on at this age, and I'd fully believe he knows something's changing.

There's still also the point that he's a two year old and really they're expected to be weird at this age.

It still seems odd to me that it's always the day after he's been at his dad's that I have trouble with him.

I'm sure D's gonna want to have C overnight tomorrow. I'm torn between sending him and seeing what he's like Tuesday, and just saying no. Xx

 

[kittikat489]

Hey lacey you and only you knows how your son behaves, if you feel he's not happy going or from dads, then you know your right, you have LO you know how he behaves how he thinks, trust your instincts, we as mothers know when something is not right, don't be worried about upseting your ex, just have your wee LO happy, lots of love xxxx

 

[MrsS143]

Record his behaviour daily for 3 weeks
How he is with you
And how he is when you get him back x

 

[LaceyKeo]

I like the idea of recording how he is, so Ima continue on here because I've already started, and I get valuable opinions too.

So. He was at Ds last night.

Been good as gold all weekend, went to Ds last night, nursery today. I picked him up from nursery, got him home, ready for bed, usual routine.
Put him down and the wailing started.
So, I calmed him down, pulled his door closed, and left him for a few minutes.
No way he was settling, so I went back in, calmed him down, pulled his door closed, started again.
Left him to it again, but he was getting more and more worked up, so, I went back and calmed him, this time I left his door open (never done that, I usually open it once he's asleep).
That was it.
No more noise.

The whole thing only took about 20 mins or so, and I really don't want to fall into the trap of "blame it all on what MIGHT be happening at dad's", but...
It was honestly like he was upset about being shut in cause he was scared he'd be left there or something. As soon as he realised his door was staying open, he went straight to sleep.

Urgh, it's a tough one. Xx