Looooong one, sorry...

[LaceyKeo]

I really appreciate each if your responses.

It's really a weight off even just knowing other people see there's something clearly not right goin on.

I do agree as needs to understand how big a deal this is. I'm just tying to think of a way to approach it without him just jumping on the defensive xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

So, I've had C overnight last night. Went to bed at 8pm (he was at nursery yesterday and full of beans by the time we got home at 7).

6:24, he gave one lil squawk, so I called him, he came padding through, back to normal.

It is definitely not 9 or even 8am. Xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

I wonder if it's worth calling social services? Just for like an anonymous chat for advice, thing... Do they do that? Xx

 

[clairebear22]

In my honest opinion I couldn't let C stay with his Dad if he were mine. As far as I'm concerned he is neglecting his Son's needs by not attending to him pretty much as soon as he wakes (we've all dozed off for 5 mins, nothing wrong with that) because he's awake, hungry and doesn't want to be laying in his bed for hours waiting for Daddy!! I'd actually really resent D if I were in the situation!

I don't think SS would be the best option. I'd just tell D that he can still have him during the day if he can stay awake the whole day himself that is but the overnights have to stop until D can get himself into a proper sleep pattern himself so that he can hear C and be rested enough himself to start the day when C says so! x

 

[MrsS143]

I know its not what you do
But perhaps ignore him at yours for 5 mins
You know hes not at harm where he is
and see if he just takes himself back to sleep

also... is his room at yours quite light?
im thinking as opposed to a blackout curtain maybe at his dads?

 

[Goat]

I think gut instincts are often right hun. When dropping C off could you put some kind of recording device in his room that you can play back and listen too? That way you have proof?
Or turn up at 7am under the pretense that you forgot C had a GP appointment or something and listen if you hear him crying?

I have to agree with Clairebear hun, I would feel too anxious and on edge leaving C with D if I strongly suspected that was going on.xx

 

[LaceyKeo]

He has a blackout blind at mine, as well as drawn curtains, so I don't think that's it, although it was a good idea.

Ideally, yes. I'd stop him having C overnight, but... Still can't prove it so don't really have the justification for it.
Other than talking to him next time I see him (tomorrow?), and getting lies about how C "just sleeps that long"...

Urgh. I don't know.

I can leave him shouting for a few mins, see if he goes back down, but I honestly don't think he will. Once he's awake, he's up.
I'll give it a go though xx

 

[mylullaby]

Do you think there's anything at all in MrsS suggestion of leaving him for 5 mins at home and see what happens? Obvs you know him and we don't, but trying to give your ex the benefit of the doubt (which I don't think he deserves) could there be a chance that he knows at yours he can get up as soon as he makes a noise whereas he's learnt at his dad's that it's not the same so he just goes back to sleep? I have a friend who leaves her lo for up to an hour in the mornings and he just amuses himself in his cot playing with his toys. I know it's different for everyone though so not saying this is def the case with you... just trying to throw a few ideas round and hopefully you can get this sorted for your own peace of mind. I know people often get scare of the idea of contacting social services, but I'm wondering if you could contact them or a charity (nspcc?!) to seek some anonymous advice. I'm genuinely not sure if they would class this as a safeguarding issue or not? I can absolutely see why you're upset at the thought of it as his mum and of course it's a shitty thing for him to do if he's leaving your son for hours when he wakes, but I don't know if technically this would be seen as neglect? Somehow you need to find out what's actually happening (easier said than done) and if what is happening is something that would go against him in court if he challenged any decision you made about staying overnight. So I don't see any harm in speaking to someone for advice about what the official stance would be in this situation - you'll need to know that if you do manage to get the evidence.

 

[LaceyKeo]

Unfortunately I don't drop him off. I'm very rarely over at Ds because it's out of town and I no longer have the car. He Picks C up/drops him off at mine.

I had thought about some sort of "nanny cam" recording thing, but C's not attached enough to anything to take it to bed with him, I'd have to set it the evening before, somehow ensure it ends up in his room, lasts all night, and get it back the next day.
Maybe if it had a strong enough sensor it'd be alright if it was downstairs somewhere, but it's still gotta make it inside the house somehow...

Ima go google what sort of thing's available, see if I get any ideas xx

 

[mylullaby]

I really feel for you. Must feel so awful not trusting ex to properly take care of him. Let us know how you get on with the detective work! xxx

 

[LaceyKeo]

Mylullaby: we posted at the same time, I think.

I will leave him for a bit and see what happens, probably need to do it a couple days in a row for him to realise.

You're thinking along the same lines as me.
I don't want to actually get "authority" involved at this stage as I don't have any proof, just a hunch, but some advice would be helpful, maybe. NSPCC is probably a better idea than SS.

The courts thing is my hold-up. I don't have proof it's happening, so if I try and say to him he can't have C overnight because of this, then he'll end up going to the court, and again, they'll want proof before they stop D having C, so, back to square one. Xx

 

[mylullaby]

Yeah sorry - I'm typing on Internet browser on phone so it takes me a while to write a post, lol. Have you actually questioned the 9am thing yet? (i.e. "are you sure he's not waking till 9? V unusual and we know you have form for not hearing him. I'm worried" - worst case scenario he gets a bit pissed off but perhaps has a think about what he's doing? I dunno. It's a tricky one.

 

[LaceyKeo]

I questioned it insomuch as I said words to the effect of "9am! That's late! He NEVER sleeps that late with me, 7:30 is a lay-in..."

He sorta shrugged and changed the subject.

Having a look at nanny cam stuff, but, as good as something looks, it all still needs to end up in his bedroom... Teddy, thermometer, alarm clock, plug socket, potted plant... Xx

 

[Goat]

Could you get something like the teddy and tell D that C has randomly become obsessed with it and to make sure he leaves it in his room otherwise C will be up in the night shouting for him?

 

[KWarbee]

Lacey, I'd be really tempted to try and talk to D about this seriously. Say how you're worried and how unusual it is for C to sleep in that late. Don't let him change the subject. He might get defensive/angry about it but it's your right to question him about it if you feel something isn't right. You never know, saying something to him might be enough to trigger something in his mind and he might change his behaviour. Not sure how likely that is though!

I think speaking to NSPCC or someone similar would be a good idea. They could probably give you some decent advice xx

 

[BonzE]

What she said^ xx

 

[Angela2612]

I hope you get something sorted Lacey

 

[Rooster30]

The thought of my son being left crying in his room for hours actually makes me feel sick. Have a word.

 

[LaceyKeo]

So he came an picked C up for tonight.

I went with "This thing with him sleeping in so late is bothering me. C has set his own routine, which I've adapted and stuck to, and having random days where he's not getting up and getting on with his day for an additional 2-3 hours is really starting to mess him about. I appreciate you don't see it, but it really makes a difference. Can you please make sure he's up by 7:30 at the latest, and has had breakfast by 8. Will you be awake by then? I'll be up so I'll call you if you think you'll need me to".

He seems to think he'll be okay to get him up on time, so, we'll see.

Guess I message him again in the morning now asking how C slept. See what time it gets read. If it's on time, I'll message him again with some random thing to see if he's just woke up enough to message back, knowing I'd message, then gone back to sleep, or if he's legit awake.

Guess it's up to tomorrow, now...

Thank you so much, everyone. It makes a big difference knowing it's not just me being silly xx

 

[littlemonkey]

Seeing what happens this morning with your ex

I think the issue here is what has happened in the past, the previous incident of your ex sleeping all day is causing you to assume the worst. Not that you're wrong to do so. Frankly, I wouldnt feel comfortable leaving my LO with his dad ever if something like that had happened.

But in saying that, you have no proof and until you do its either a matter of giving him the benefit of doubt or just come out and tell him truthfully what is bothering you. And that you're not comfortable leaving LO with him just now.

The thing is every parent is different and just because one doesn't stick to a routine, it doesn't mean one's right or wrong and you've said that already yourself. There's things my OH does with my LO that I despair at, and vice versa, and we live together and are in theory working together regarding our care of LO! But it's a matter of accepting we're different and as long as LO is safe, it's ok. As for the laying on in bed thing,it could be LO wakes up at his usual time but is happy to play in his cot or even comes in to daddy's bed for an hour. As I type this my son is playing with his teddies in bed happily while I lie in bed. We will all get up about 7.

I hope you get something sorted out and feel better about it soon.