leckershell
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 25, 2006
- Messages
- 6,947
- Reaction score
- 0
I don't expect any replies to this, I just wanted to sound off somewhere really.
I guess I just feel generally miserable for no reason.. though I probably have let things bottle up and spiral out of control..
..until recently I've been convinced Ryan doesn't like me, and even now I still cry every few nights as I think he doesn't want me as he settles and calms down much better with Nat and seems agitated with me.
..I feel under pressure to do things all the time. I know I'm pretty lazy and don't tend to do much housework or anything, and Nat doesn't mind, but I always feel that by doing nothing (even though looking after Ryan all day isn't exactly a walk in the park) I'm somehow a failure.
..I feel like most things I do I do badly. So even when I make a concerted effort to make dinner, or tidy up, in my eyes it's still not good enough and I've failed somehow. I don't know what I'm failing, just myself I guess.
..I do all the night time feeds and admittedly Nat can't exactly breastfeed for me lol but it'd be nice if he could at least show some support by fetching Ryan from the other room so I don't have to get up, or offering to do the nappy change. That makes me sound really lazy... I don't have a problem with doing things myself but it would be nice to have some support and company.. be nice for him to offer. I know he has work in the mornings and I don't, so I'm probably being unreasonable, but for some reason I just resent him for it. I've got no problem waking up at 3 in the morning, but it's just so lonely. I end up getting annoyed at Ryan for not settling, then Nat wakes up in a strop, settles Ryan by walking him and singing to him and I just get *that* look, the one that says omg can't believe I've got to do this *again*. So I sit in bed crying because I'm a failure for not being able to settle him myself.
..I can hardly sleep, as I have too much on my mind, and it's stupid things like what bus I'm going to catch the next day, or where I can buy the ingredients for the next cookery lesson, or how to do a right turn (i'm doing driving lessons).
..And don't even mention a sex drive.. I feel sorry for my OH, I don't know what's got into me but I mostly just want to be left alone.
..In the mornings my stomach lurches when the front door closes at 8am cos Nat has left for work. I dread the day on my own with Ryan as I'm convinced I'll get it wrong and he'll be screaming at me all day. It's actually not happened - every day has been fine, and I'm capable of doing everything I need to do to look after him, but when I hear the door go I just get that feeling that I can't cope, even though I know I can.
..Everything aches all the time. I'm overtired but I can't sleep, and my back has knots in it and it hurts to lie down straight onto it. The past few days I've been less hungry, and my skin has gone all crap too, so I'm probably getting quite run down.
..I dread the thought of going back to work. Admittedly I'm not going back until April, but still, it's in the back of my mind. I used to like my job, but it's the thought of being back in that office with all those people.
..I have no enthusiasm for anything any more. I would used to be like woo I'm doing this on this day, this on this day, and look forward to things, but now I'm just living the calendar and doing things like dates set in my life calendar. When I get out to driving lessons and cookery class, yeah, I enjoy it, but it's as if as soon as I get back into the house I sink and everything's back to normal and my fun's over. Which sounds awful cos I love Ryan and Nat to bits, and I love hanging around with them and playing with Ryan and bathing him and making him smile and stuff, but for some reason I just have no sense of humour at home anymore.
Sitting here crying, I won't be awake for replies cos I'm going back to bed, but since I was awake anyway I thought I'd sound off and see if it lifts the weight off my mind a bit. I don't feel much better tbh, but it was worth a try. My OH is so supportive compared to a lot of the partners I've read about on here and he doesn't have expectations of me, it's me that makes myself feel like a failure, he's never said that at all. I guess I'm putting pressure on myself, and I don't know why. I wasn't 100% honest in my PND screening either, I don't want anyone to think I'm struggling and I didn't lie much I just underplayed a couple of the answers. Even if I was struggling nobody can do anything about it, so I'd rather they just left me alone instead of bugging me asking me if I'm alright every 5 minutes. No I'm not alright, nothing's changed since the last time you asked.
I do love being a mom, it's awesome, and I do love being with Nat... I just don't know what's up with me. I'm just miserable most of the time now. I don't let it carry over to Ryan, but inside I'm feeling it.
Thanks for listening goodnight guys x
I guess I just feel generally miserable for no reason.. though I probably have let things bottle up and spiral out of control..
..until recently I've been convinced Ryan doesn't like me, and even now I still cry every few nights as I think he doesn't want me as he settles and calms down much better with Nat and seems agitated with me.
..I feel under pressure to do things all the time. I know I'm pretty lazy and don't tend to do much housework or anything, and Nat doesn't mind, but I always feel that by doing nothing (even though looking after Ryan all day isn't exactly a walk in the park) I'm somehow a failure.
..I feel like most things I do I do badly. So even when I make a concerted effort to make dinner, or tidy up, in my eyes it's still not good enough and I've failed somehow. I don't know what I'm failing, just myself I guess.
..I do all the night time feeds and admittedly Nat can't exactly breastfeed for me lol but it'd be nice if he could at least show some support by fetching Ryan from the other room so I don't have to get up, or offering to do the nappy change. That makes me sound really lazy... I don't have a problem with doing things myself but it would be nice to have some support and company.. be nice for him to offer. I know he has work in the mornings and I don't, so I'm probably being unreasonable, but for some reason I just resent him for it. I've got no problem waking up at 3 in the morning, but it's just so lonely. I end up getting annoyed at Ryan for not settling, then Nat wakes up in a strop, settles Ryan by walking him and singing to him and I just get *that* look, the one that says omg can't believe I've got to do this *again*. So I sit in bed crying because I'm a failure for not being able to settle him myself.
..I can hardly sleep, as I have too much on my mind, and it's stupid things like what bus I'm going to catch the next day, or where I can buy the ingredients for the next cookery lesson, or how to do a right turn (i'm doing driving lessons).
..And don't even mention a sex drive.. I feel sorry for my OH, I don't know what's got into me but I mostly just want to be left alone.
..In the mornings my stomach lurches when the front door closes at 8am cos Nat has left for work. I dread the day on my own with Ryan as I'm convinced I'll get it wrong and he'll be screaming at me all day. It's actually not happened - every day has been fine, and I'm capable of doing everything I need to do to look after him, but when I hear the door go I just get that feeling that I can't cope, even though I know I can.
..Everything aches all the time. I'm overtired but I can't sleep, and my back has knots in it and it hurts to lie down straight onto it. The past few days I've been less hungry, and my skin has gone all crap too, so I'm probably getting quite run down.
..I dread the thought of going back to work. Admittedly I'm not going back until April, but still, it's in the back of my mind. I used to like my job, but it's the thought of being back in that office with all those people.
..I have no enthusiasm for anything any more. I would used to be like woo I'm doing this on this day, this on this day, and look forward to things, but now I'm just living the calendar and doing things like dates set in my life calendar. When I get out to driving lessons and cookery class, yeah, I enjoy it, but it's as if as soon as I get back into the house I sink and everything's back to normal and my fun's over. Which sounds awful cos I love Ryan and Nat to bits, and I love hanging around with them and playing with Ryan and bathing him and making him smile and stuff, but for some reason I just have no sense of humour at home anymore.
Sitting here crying, I won't be awake for replies cos I'm going back to bed, but since I was awake anyway I thought I'd sound off and see if it lifts the weight off my mind a bit. I don't feel much better tbh, but it was worth a try. My OH is so supportive compared to a lot of the partners I've read about on here and he doesn't have expectations of me, it's me that makes myself feel like a failure, he's never said that at all. I guess I'm putting pressure on myself, and I don't know why. I wasn't 100% honest in my PND screening either, I don't want anyone to think I'm struggling and I didn't lie much I just underplayed a couple of the answers. Even if I was struggling nobody can do anything about it, so I'd rather they just left me alone instead of bugging me asking me if I'm alright every 5 minutes. No I'm not alright, nothing's changed since the last time you asked.
I do love being a mom, it's awesome, and I do love being with Nat... I just don't know what's up with me. I'm just miserable most of the time now. I don't let it carry over to Ryan, but inside I'm feeling it.
Thanks for listening goodnight guys x