Thanks _GG_.
I really do feel the closest I've felt to being done. I actually said to OH that regardless of the outcome, I just want this miserable situation to end. I can't keep feeling like my life is dictated by it as every month that we dtd at the appropriate time, there remains that tiny glimmer of hope that has ended in disappointment and failure for nearly 36 consecutive months!! I just don't feel like I can carry on like this. I can't even visualise a happy ending to this journey for us any more.
I don't know how you have did tjis for 36 months. I am now on month 11 come next cycle and I've had it. Af started to show yesterday 4 days early with a big clot when I wiped. I am so over this now. I can't feel like this much lonher and it's only the start of our infertility investigations. How do you keep on going when you feel so low. I honestly take my hat off to you girl! I don't know how I will get through this day at work.
Alexis...this is how you will get through today....
You will breathe your next breath, even if it hurts to do so while fighting back tears or with a huge, painful lump in your throat, because breathing is what we do.
You will take that next step, even though all you want to is collapse in a heap and have magic make you wake up one day, with your bfp without you having to carry on your life, feeling the heartache of every passing day that you are not pregnant, because we have to take that next step, and the next, and the next. They are steps towards our future and whatever that future holds, it will be better than where you are right now.
You will continue to smile when all you want to do is scream because part of what will make you such a good mother one day, is your ability to stand tall when you'd rather fall, to be kind when you feel so cheated and to carry on smiling because that's just what we do.
You will let yourself laugh despite your heart feeling broken, because life is nothing without allowing ourselves to let some light break through the clouds that hover over us.
You deserve to live, that might mean that you have to fake it for a while before you make it, but we do what we need to do to get through. We do it because we have to. Because we are worth more than succumbing to the cruelties of this life.
You need to absolutely put yourself first. You need to let yourself cry sometimes, but please also let yourself laugh, find things you know will lift your mood, make a conscious effort to do that. The brain is a muscle and we absolutely can train it to behave differently.
Make the ttc journey about you and your oh, not about a bfp. Cover your fertile days but dtd through the whole cycle when you can. Make a conscious effort to distract yourself from the pressures of the tww. Take the burden off your shoulders.
I use this forum for that. When I'm not actually posting on here, if I find myself thinking about it...I set out to distract myself immediately. I only started that this past cycle.
Please take the pressure off yourself. I bet you feel like you're failing in some way...but you're not. You're just at the beginning of a new chapter where you are starting to get answers so every ball is still well and truly in the court for you.
Don't let doubt win...let hope shine through. You deserve it. Xxx
The silver lining is that there is a really nice pizza place near our friends house and OH has promised me one when we are going home and I definitely think I will be washing it down with a beer or two lol
how did it go with the visit? Hope you are feeling okay and got that pizza! Treat yo'self hahaha xx
I've made an appointment for the GP for another referral to a different clinic after our crap experience last time but I'm not really sure why I'm bothering.
